Kids movies are *always* monster movies

Last week I went to see Super 8, and I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree that it's a film that is extremely reminiscent of classic kids/adventure/monster movies, but mostly in the sense that I didn't care about any of the characters, I couldn't really see much of the monster during most of the movie, and when I did get a good look at it it was pretty much a disappointment. You know, just because I splashed out of my mommy in the early '80s doesn't mean that I have to get all nostalgic (gawd I hate that word) about anything that reminds me of that dreadful decade. For example, it was only a few weeks ago that I watched The Goonies for the very first time, and I kinda hated every minute of it. Anyway, for me, the creepiest thing about Super 8 didn't have anything to do with the big scary alien monster, but with a pretty little girl named Elle Fanning. When I found out that she is only 13 years old, and was probably closer to 12 when they shot the movie, it was a complete and utter shock. Maybe I was confused by the fact that she has the kind of talent most adult actresses would kill for, or that her character DRIVES A FUCKING CAR, but that's hardly an excuse. What I'm trying to say is, I have absolutely no problem with waiting patiently for April 9th, 2016, and I have a feeling that unlike Elle's elder sister, time will be extremely kind to her.

Sorry, there's no way I'm posting a photo of a 13 year old girl

So yeah, in the next couple of weeks I will be spending most of my time washing my eyes out repeatedly with acid for checking out the boobs of a child. Men really are disgusting.

Making sense

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are three handy flowcharts that simplify the thought processes required when dealing with three very important questions I find myself asking at least once a day. They're pretty useful, especially if you're me!

Did you know what else?

Did you know that drinking too much water, just regular, ordinary tap water, may sometimes cause excessive urination? While you're mulling that over, enjoy this crude gif animation titled False Alarm, in which a doodle believes it is about to sneeze!

OMG BUNNY!!!

First I peed,

then I got cute,

then I got even cuter,

then I got totally adorable,

and then I got OMG SO CUTE I COULD JUST DIE!!!

In other news: OMG BUCKET!!!

I am a rusty bucket. Please don't poop in me, as tempting as that may sound.

Update: more bunny photos!

Scary (yawning?) bunny!

Lying down bunny!

Close-up bunny!

Update #2: I fed him (it looks kinda manly, doesn't it?) a carrot, and he really really liked it!


Update #3: he seems to like cucumbers even better!

The other kind of Photoshop crime

Dear Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie,

I love you both with a deep, everlasting passion, I love you more than life itself, I love you like I love the hummus at Aba Gil (especially you, Ms. Brie), and so I would like to make this official, sincere apology for what I have done here, but as soon as I saw that GQ Women of Community photo shoot I knew that I would never be able to stop myself.

I'm so sorry.

Humbly yours,
Ben.


Before
The original photo:

A Closer Look
Alison Brie's chest:

Gillian Jacobs' chest:

Ms. Brie's somewhat hairy forearm (she is half-Jewish after all):

After
All nice and shopped (click for a better view of the smooth, unblemished goodness):

P.S.
I have a problem, I know I do, and I promise to get help just as soon as I find a new psychologist who isn't too expensive and doesn't make me want to punch them in the mouth.

Dating advice

The best dating advice I've ever got from anyone was from this guy I went to high school with who wanted to use my dad's place to get laid, and it went a little something like this:

"The fastest way to win a girl's heart on the first date is simply to shower her with sperm as soon as physically possible. And if you can't get it up, urine works almost just as well."

Pretty inspiring stuff. Now here is another crudely drawn gif animation!