Why I Don't Need a Smartphone

It's simple: why would I need a way to go online on the go, when I can't beat off on the bus? I mean, I suppose one could find a use for a portable porn machine in a public restroom or something, but I'm a urinal guy and not a stall guy, so things could get pretty awkward pretty quickly.

My dear, beautiful Gigi, I would gladly buy a hundred stupid overpriced phones if you'd only return to the business

See also: Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part II.