Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Kingdom for an Amy Adams Muppet!

This week I went to see the new Muppets movie, and it was actually pretty great, because even though it was produced by stupid Disney the Muppets still kick all kinds of ass. Here are a few points I'd like to make:
  • Amy Adams was born in August 1974, which makes her 37 years old, and six years older than Jason Segel. Despite this fact, and despite the fact that last year she pushed an entire person out of her pee hole, she still looks totally amazing in The Muppets. Good for her. I have always had a thing for Miss Piggy, and Ms. Adams looks almost exactly like her, if she were human and hot and not a felt puppet. They are also very much alike in the way that I would absolutely love to stick my hand up both of their backsides. I just hope Ms. Adams manages to keep her youthful looks until they finish shooting Man of Steel, otherwise Supes is going to end up banging an old lady.
  • I really enjoyed all the celebrity flesh-puppets cameos in the movie, which are just too many to mention, except for three of them, who happen to appear in the same short scene. These include an obese child, a lesbian teenager, and a Whoopi Goldberg. The movie would have been much better without their presence.
  • There's a Muppets tribute band in the movie called The Moopets, which is made up of badass lookalikes of several Muppets characters. If they ever make a Moopets movie I'd totally pay to see it, because they look like they could put on much less kid-friendly show than the original cast, and that's a pretty big advantage over them.
  • I didn't have to read the movie's end credits to know that Bret McKenzie (of Flights of the Conchords fame) had something to do with it. It is just that awesomely obvious.
  • Most of the movie revolves around how the Muppets have to raise $10,000,000 in order to save their old theater. What bugged me was that very early on in the film we find out that Kermit the Frog lives all by himself in a FUCKING MANSION. It would have been a whole lot easier on everyone involved if he just sold his house and moved into someplace smaller, a place more fitting to his small stature and allegedly humble demeanor.
  • The worst thing about the movie? There's a fucking Pixar short before it starts, one that features talking toys! Watching this agonizing piece of CG animated cow poop only reminded me how much I loathe Pixar and everything that it stands for. Seriously Pixar, either you start making movies for people over the age of nine, or go suck on a rusty nail drenched in syphilized vaginal blood.
I'm guessing one would need some sort of X-ray vision to see if these babies would still be this nice and perky in Man of Steel

In other news: whoever thinks that Jennifer Aniston is the sexiest woman of ALL TIME (that means you, Men's Health Magazine) needs to get their stupid head examined, because even back in 1994 she was just an okay looking girl with nice boobs and an unfortunate butter face.

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