Saturday, September 24, 2011

Saving the planet, one dead teenager at a time

This week I went to see Final Destination 5 in 3D, and as expected, it was totally freaking awesome! I got exactly what I came for, that is, more or less attractive teenagers getting offed in hilariously gruesome and highly improbably ways, and so much more. And the 3D was just fantastic, with some of the most spectacular opening credits I've seen recently and plenty of deliciously eye-popping popping eyes, among other severed body parts. And I'm pretty sure that by bringing in an old pair of 3D glasses from a previous movie (the one I didn't use to make my 2D glasses) instead of taking a new pair I singlehandedly saved our planet's fragile environment, so yeah, you're welcome earthlings. And there was even a Terry Poison song in the background during one scene at the restaurant! Terry Poison!!! Also, I've never seriously considered going through laser eye surgery, mostly because having perfect vision at all times would just freak me out, but somehow this movie made me like the idea even less. Also, acupuncture. And most types of physical activities. Besides, everybody knows that chicks with glasses are totally hot, and any woman vain enough to go through surgery just to get rid of her glasses should be declared legally brain dead. Finally, while The Walking Dead's Emma Bell is very very pretty and totally adorable, and while it is my understanding that Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is technically hot, for today's boobie picture I've chosen Final Destination 3's Chelan Simmons, partly because she's mentioned in the Wikipedia article about the new movie, but mostly because of her unbelievably hot nude scene in that tanning bed two sequels ago, a scene so breathtaking it shall be etched onto the inside of my skull until the end of time.

I really need to watch Final Destination 3 again. Not only did it have Chelan Simmons' rocking boobs, it also had Gina Holden AND Ramona Flowers!!!

If Final Destination 5 is the last movie you'll want to see before getting laser eye surgery, Inside is probably the last movie you'll want to watch when you're expecting a first child, or possibly a first niece. If the people on the other side of the living room wall didn't think I was some sort of serial rapist they definitely do now, especially after having to listen to the muffled sounds of a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic marathon, followed by an hour and a half of a French pregnant chick being tortured to death.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Plastic Dinosaurs of the '80s!

From deep within the archives of the Coleslaw Museum of Natural History, comes an exciting new exhibition showcasing a wide range of over 17 awful yet totally cool toy dinosaurs! These exquisite lifelike models, painstakingly collected during the 1980s and early '90s, are in no way physiologically or anatomically correct, but aren't they just awesome???

Roar! We're scary and we walk on two legs!

Roar! There are two of me! But which one am I???

Roar! I'm probably supposed to be some sort of duck-billed herbivore, but I'm still pretty scary!

Roar! I'm a scary T-rex!

See? It says so right on my belly! It also says I was made in China in 1978!
Chinese scientists discovered in the late '70s that T-rex had blue eyes and poorly painted teeth!
Roar! We're supposed to be scary dimetrodons!

Roar! I'm a yellow and brown dimetrodon!

Roar! I'm a white and blue dimetrodon!

Roar! I'm a yellow and red dimetrodon and my back thingy is kind of crooked, but that's ok because I still get laid more often than some of you!

I'm a dimetrodon too, but I'm nice, so I won't roar at you.

We are sauropods!

Roar! I'm a big scary sauropod!

I'm a sauropod too, but I'm not scary at all, and on my free time I enjoy playing Mahjong solitaire.

I'm a sauropod too, and OMG WHAT'S THAT THING BEHIND ME?!?!?!

Roar! Two of us are stegosaurs!

I am a kindhearted and mild mannered stegasaurus. Wherever I go, my friendly smile lights up the room! 

Roar! I'm a scary stegosaurus, and that previous guy is a fucking pussy!

Roar! I'm some sort of ankylosaurid, maybe?

And we're the guys nobody else likes. Sigh.

I'm some kind of bird. Yay.

Roar! I'm an awesome triceratops! Why aren't there any more of us here?! This sucks!

Uh.... I got nothing. If you know what I am, please let me know. It would be most appreciated.

And finally, a special exhibit: two glow in the dark skeletons!

Roar! We're both dead!

(Posted while mildly intoxicated. Kindly excuse any unusually stupid content, and bless you for reading.)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Foolproof Pick-up Line #11

This one came to me in a dream one late morning. Enjoy!

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Best Gift 5 Shekels Can Buy!

Last week my mom surprised me with this two-faced 3D lenticular bookmark, and isn't it just about the coolest thing EVER??? One face alone has a skull, a witch, a mummy, a lollipop, a spider on a burning candle, a Happy Halloween sign, Frankenstein's monster, a witch's hat, two jack-o-lanterns, two tombstones in a pool of blood, a ghost, a vampire, a black cat, a scarab and some candy corn on it, and the other face, well, it's just seventy three different kinds of awesome! I'm such a lucky, lucky boy!

The Wonderful World of Early 90s Circus Dinosaurs!

From deep within the Coleslaw vaults: photos taken about two decades ago at a side exhibition on the grounds of the Italian Medrano Circus in Tel-Aviv. They sure make me long for a more innocent time, when dinosaurs were appreciated simply for being large and freaky, and no one really gave a poop about scientific inaccuracies!

The world's single most awesome triceratops!!!

A cute pterodactyl!

A sad looking  dimetrodon next to an orangutan!

Makes perfect sense to me! 

A smiling stegosaurus! 

A scary tyrannosaurus!

What has big teeth and ends with rribili? 

A baby godzilla!

And a funny looking bird!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Some quick catching up!

The first thing I did after coming back from Montenegro and after that whole explosive diarrhea phase came to a blissful end was to go see the Fright Night remake. It was pretty entertaining, but not very memorable, despite a hilarious performance by the previous Doctor Who as some sort of goth wizard dude. The only thing that stood out about it was how the 3D in the movie was wholly unimpressive, despite having been shot in 3D. Here's some good advice for you future filmmakers out there: shooting a film in 3D is an art. You can't just point and shoot, and you have to know what you're doing, otherwise it looks pretty much like a stupid 3D conversion, and a flat one at that, minus the awful screw-ups.

The next day I went to see the Conan the Barbarian remake, and even though the movie itself was a fun and gory sleaze fest, the gawd-awful 3D conversion pretty much ruined the whole experience for me. In an endless sea of horrible 3D conversions, the new Conan movie shines as the ugliest piece of conversion trash I have seen so far, which is quite a feat indeed. It did, however, inspire me to construct my very own pair of 2D glasses, so I suppose it wasn't a complete waste of my time.

And last week I went to see Cowboys & Aliens and I've enjoyed it quite a bit, but mostly because I'm such a huge sucker for cool alien-type creatures and not because it was a good movie or anything. I've enjoyed the action sequences and the special effects, but the unfortunately weak script was a complete waste of Jon Favreau's talent. Also, the movie had that guy from Dexter! And those two guys from Carnivàle! And that guy from The Shield! And that one really old guy from that old movie with all the dorky lightsabers! And even that oddly hot chick from Tron Legacy! So yeah, I had a moderate amount of fun, but I don't think I'll ever want to watch it again, ever.

And then I went to see Blonde Redhead and Jane's Addiction perform live in Tel-Aviv, and that was pretty fun, even though the hardcore Jane's fans acted like FUCKING ANIMALS and one of them jumped on my big toe and it really hurt. Blonde Redhead were really great, and their opening performance lasted over an hour, which was nice. The thing is, while Perry Farrell is still totally cool, I thought that Dave Navarro looked like a flaming queen, and the fact that every single woman on the planet wants to get into his pants is a testament to what a profoundly screwed up gender they belong to.

Finally, last night I went to take part in the largest political rally in the history of Israel (around 300,000 protesters in Tel-Aviv alone, plus about 150,000 more nation wide), and it was pretty damn cool. And yeah, despite what a lot of people here claim, it was definitely political, and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would definitely like to have sexual intercourse with Daphni Leef. In the vagina. Oh yeah. Vagina-sex with the so-called leader of the protest. Right in the vagina.

Rose McGowan, Y U no be in better movies???

Bonus haiku:
Teen girl on the bus
When you scratch between your boobs
It brings me great joy.