There is No God: The Ultimate Proof

or: Pretty Girls I Saw This Week, Part XIV

Just before the main discussion panel at the atheist convention in Tel-Aviv had started, two stage men were setting up two tables on the stage. I was sitting in the second row, in front of the right side table. "If this totally hot member of the party I'm going to vote for in the coming elections sits by the right side table," I said to myself, "then the concept of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent deity may not be so stupid after all. However, if she sits by the left side table, it definitely is." Once the break was over, this political cutie sat down at the left side table. You may now draw your own conclusions.

Although, I suppose if Meretz gets six or more seats on the 22nd I might be persuaded to change my mind.

Update: OK, so Meretz got exactly six seats, but I still think it's a bit silly to worship someone who insists on watching me masturbate every day.

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).


In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Sex Ed in the Orthodox Jewish School System

My response, both then and now:

Enjoy it while it lasts, because Kirsten Dunst is turning 30 next year and she's already baby hungry

Today I went to see Melancholia, and I guess it was okay. In Lars von Trier's latest film Kirsten Dunst is a whiny little dairy farmer who enjoys urinating outdoors and is fascinated by big stupid animals with oversized genitalia. In the first part of the story she gets married to an exquisitely handsome Swedish vampire at this disgustingly classy mansion, but oh no, she's all sad and stuff! Once we're done with the wedding video portion of the movie, we can move on to the good stuff - or can we? Spiderman's girlfriend and her circumcised sister (along with the sister's special agent husband and their annoying little brat) are all back at the mansion, and surprise surprise, Ms. Dunst is still oh so very sad. And oh yeah, there's this big blue planet that popped up a little while ago and is going to collide with the Earth real soon in a way that makes very little sense if you know anything about 4th grade astronomy (it's been hiding behind the sun all along!). The movie is very pretty to look at, especially when the big scary planet is hanging up in the sky, and I really liked the music (even though I hear Wagner wasn't exactly a huge fan of the Chosen People), but I usually prefer movies that are a little more... interesting. You do, however, get a full frontal shot and some very nice sideboob courtesy of Ms. Dunst, so if you're into that kind of stuff and you don't mind watching a blonde chick making a sad face for over two hours, go right ahead and see the film. Otherwise, just watch Bring It On again, where she's a whole lot perkier in a bunch of different ways.

Say what you will about Kirsten Dunst, but she looks pretty damn awesome when she's naked and playing with her boobs

In other news: here's a theological question for all you Jebus freaks out there - I went and bought a Santa hat today, but all they had at the store were the ones with white braids on the sides with little red ribbons. Being more or less male, is it acceptable for me to wear the hat as it is, or do I need to cut the braids off so I won't end up in Jebus-hell?

Happy Atonement!

For decades now it has been a time-honored tradition at the Coleslaw household that every Yom Kippur I try my hardest to find the time to masturbate at least once, preferably while thinking about the most Aryan looking shiksa I can come up with, in celebration of the holiest day of the Jewish year. Let's see how things go this time. Wish me luck!

Man, that ezrat nashim looks HOT!

Update: Yup. Mission accomplished.

And this year's winner is the gorgeous Christina Cole of Hex fame!

Bonus love haiku:

Dear Christina Cole

I would like to enter you

And ejaculate.

Gawd hates gags

Yesterday I watched America's Most Hated Family In Crisis, Louis Theroux's follow-up film to his 2007 documentary about the Westboro Baptist Church. It was pretty creepy to watch, just like the first one, but it did have one piece of really good news: one of the members of the church said that if and when they'll be driven out of the United States, their plan is to move to Jerusalem! Well, my love for comically sexually repressed women is no secret, and so, should this actually happen and the Westboro Baptist Church actually relocates to the Holy Land, I hereby make a public solemn vow to take a bus to wherever they'll be picketing at and proudly hold the following sign up in front of the flock's more attractive specimens:

Hopefully by then some of the girls shown in the film would become a little more, well, legal.

Religion rules

From the Coleslaw vaults: a comic strip about faith and devotion (and hookers).

The most hilarious family in America

Last night I watched The Most Hated Family in America, a documentary by Louis Theroux from 2007. I really like Louis Theroux. He's cool and dorky and Jewish-looking and doesn't mind getting himself into extremely awkward situations. This particular piece was about the Westboro Baptist Church, possibly the craziest church in existence today. Founded in 1955, the church has about 70 members, most of them belong to one family, who are led by the family's archpatriarch, an old geezer known as "Gramps". As you may or may not have guessed by now, the WBC is all about hate. God hates you. God hates homosexuals. Anyone engaged in any sort of sexual activity that isn't a married man and woman in a bed is a homosexual, so that probably means you too. God hates America. God hates Sweden. God hates Italy. God hates Catholics. God hates Muslims. God hates Jews. Anyone who gets killed has died because he was a sinner. It is also common knowledge that homosexuals eat poop. That one cracked me up! When interviewed by Theroux, Gramps pretty much admits that anyone who doesn't belong to his church is going to burn in hell. The church is really big on picketing with all kinds of weird signs. Did you know that Barack Obama is the Antichrist? I knew there was something funny about him. They also like to picket next to funerals of war casualties, because American soldiers are homosexuals. Cults are funny. It makes you realize how far you can go by brainwashing children into becoming utterly insane as adults. One of the girls, a 21 year old law student who is also one of Gramps' granddaughters, looks especially disturbed. She's always smiling and running around and she always acts real nice, talking about how happily she dedicates her life to God and how she's not planning on ever getting married (because the end is nigh or something), but you can tell just by looking at her that she's desperately starving for some man meat. That part was sort of sad. You could see a couple of WBC members in Sacha Baron Cohen's Brüno, and now that I know more about the church it makes that scene even more hilarious. In my opinion, the mystery behind the church is pretty simple. Gramps is completely out of his mind, that much is obvious, but anyone can see that he would love to get it up the bum himself. Self hating homosexuals make the best homophobes.

But we're so cute and cuddly!

The thing I don't get about the whole "ideology" behind the church is something I don't understand about all the monotheistic religions. If God himself has created the world, why would he create things in it that he doesn't like? If sins are so bad, why would he create the concept of sin? Why would he create Satan, for that matter? I've always found it really weird that people talk about a war between heaven and hell. Wouldn't that be like a man battling with his own paper-mâché creations? How can you seriously fight or hate anything you've created yourself, especially if you're God and think you're all good and almighty and stuff? I could direct that question to some religious people I know, but I don't really want to. Religious people tend to give you boring answers that don't make much sense unless you believe in the same stuff they do.