Animated Haiku of the Day: Is There Anything Sweeter Than a Lena Dunham?

Bonus: a painstakingly animated morphing G!

Haiku of the Day: And I Fucking Hate Cigarettes

Smoking girl walked by
I breathed in her exhaled smoke
Cancer erection

Ivana Milicevic and Buffy are Eskimo sisters!

In other news: I'm deeply sorry, Ivana Milicevic. Even at the ripe age of 38 you're still absolutely gorgeous and I really did try to like Banshee, but it just wasn't very good. Other new shows to avoid this season are The Following and Do No Harm. Bleh.

I Love High School Slayers

I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

It's fine, she's a Republican and a female, so she probably hates her body anyway.

Haiku of the Day: Blood & Chrome is OK, I Guess

A computer screen
Is rarely a projector.
Got it, Hollywood?

Dafuq is that crap all over your face!?

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

Aww, She Makes Such a Lovely Beard!

So, apparently Seth MacFarlane (38) has been dating Emilia Clarke (25) for a while now. That's nice. I just hope he doesn't find her too itchy.

Unfortunately for Mr. MacFarlane, in real life Emilia Clarke does not have a Peter on her crotch.

Dear People: You are Awful

What follows is an incomplete list of oddly successful people whom I seriously dislike, in no particular order. All images have been resized in order to protect the readers' delicate ocular organs, as well as my own. This post will be updated in the future as I see fit. Enjoy!

Sofia Vergara is awful.

The highest paid actress in television is a loud, annoying and truly frightening monstrosity of a woman. Is everybody in North America on meth? Well played, Mr. White. Well played.

Ricky Gervais is awful.

This guy is as unfunny as he is smug, and everybody knows that the original British version of The Office doesn't hold a candle to the American version (or the Israeli one, for that matter.)

Ellen DeGeneres is awful.

Her wife may be totally hot, but this lady is still one of the most obnoxious television personalities of our times. No Mrs. DeGeneres, scissoring someone who is pretty and funny does not make you any prettier or funnier.

Fred Armisen is awful.

This guy must be some sort of evil genius for convincing the lovely Abby Elliott to allow him into her pants, but he's still as terrible and unfunny as they come, and the only good thing about Portlandia was the occasional Aubrey Plaza guest appearance.

Maya Rudolph is awful.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only reasonable explanation for the success of this hideously unattractive and utterly untalented actress is a remarkable talent for chugging dick. 

Larry David is awful.

Mr. David has obviously peaked over two decades ago, and since then has been the embodiment of a one-shtick ass. We get it, uncomfortable situations make you uncomfortable. Now please disappear.

Whitney Cummings is awful.

The reason nobody believes that you were born in 1982 isn't your late-30s looks, it's more because your shows have such an archaic style that they feel like they were conceived by a committee of a dozen 80-year-old Jewish TV execs. Kat Dennings must have the worst agent in the business.

Will Smith is awful.

I can't wait for movie-making technology to become advanced enough so they can edit this guy out of all the Men in Black movies and replace him with someone a little less horrible. Like, say, Snooki.

Catherine Tate is awful.

All by herself, this woman has rendered an entire season of Doctor Who completely unwatchable, which means that when she finally dies she's definitely going to Dalek hell.

Jimmy Kimmel is awful.

Sarah Silverman must have the lowest self-esteem of any woman on the face of the planet.

Tina Fey is awful.

This woman has single-handedly ruined SNL for all eternity. She must be so proud.

Laura Fraser Speaking German on Breaking Bad!?

Total freakin' awesomeness to the power of three? This definitely calls for something awful and unexpected to take place in my pants!


Also: I love you, Laura Fraser. You were my first giant crush and I will love you to bits forever and ever, and if you could please come to Israel and make out with me for no more than five minutes (including some moderate tongue action) it would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Ben.

Haiku of the Day: I already miss Community

Dear Alison Brie:
If I thought I might be gay,
Would you sleep with me?

I'm still not going to watch Mad Men though, not even for her

Haiku of the Day: I almost had a heart attack when episode 4 wasn't online on time

I really like Girls
The show, not those dickless folks
They still creep me out

Oh how I wish I were five years younger and that Lena Dunham were into fat, ugly guys, because she is positively ADORABLE. Unfortunately, judging by her movie and TV show, she likes them slim and attractive.

Bonus haiku:

Dear Lena Dunham:
You sure got purdy boobies
And a brain to match

That Skull is FA-LAMING!

This week Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance came out in Israel and I'm sure it's mildly entertaining despite the horrible reviews, but there's no way I'm going to see it any time soon because they only have it in awful fake 3D here, and watching a 3D movie using 2D glasses is a special kind of hell I only reserve for movies I absolutely must see on the big screen (John Carter will probably be the first one). Besides, I've already seen Nicolas Cage in 3D in Drive Angry, and that was native 3D. Let us all hope that the guy who first came up with the concept of digitally converting movies into 3D will get really bad eye cancer real soon, so he can feel the collective pain of everyone who's ever had to watch an entire movie using that ridiculous sham of a technology.


And since I haven't seen the Ghost Rider sequel and therefore can't really tell if Violante Placido's hotness can last an entire movie, here is a photo of the lovely Jane Levy (Suburgatory), who is basically the prettiest thing you can find of TV these days. Jimmy Kimmel may not have pronounced her last name the way us Heebs do, but to me she'll always be an honorary Jewess. Enjoy!

Also, ridiculously sexy teeth. Yum!

Update: okay, so she's only half-Jewish (on her dad's side). Good enough for me!

The Devil Inside me thinks crosses are way too emo to be taken seriously

A couple of days ago I went to see The Devil Inside, and it was actually pretty good. It was very scary and I totally bought it, which is basically the single most important thing in a movie such as this, but if you want a really good mockumentary/found footage piece you better off watching The River.

It's really good and scary and interesting and it looks fantastic and there's a smoking hot blonde chick in it and Jack Bauer's wife looks pretty good even though it's been over a decade since season 1, so there really isn't any reason to look elsewhere for your real-looking fake drama needs. I just really hope they don't cancel it prematurely the way the do to most good things on TV.

My biggest problem with the show? You've got all these fancy HD cameras around, and you couldn't find even a single one to put in Eloise Mumford's bathroom!? Shame on you.

Bonus haiku:

Dear army cutie:
You were the loveliest thing
Aboard that dumb bus.

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).


In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Pavlov's Couch Potato

History

Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

As pointless as a man with red hair

This week I went to see The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, and even though it was kinda fun and the visuals were pretty great and some of the action sequences were really cool and Andy Serkis was AMAZING (as usual) as a big-nosed captain, unfortunately Tintin is the world's greatest non-character, the story wasn't that interesting, the 3D was sort of lame and I still don't get the point of making a Tintin movie in motion capture animation. The way I see it, if you have access to that kind of technology, the first thing you do is make a movie that takes place in an exotic, far away place like Mars or Alpha Centauri or Pandora, and then populate it with all sorts of dragon-like creatures and hordes upon hordes of smoking hot alien chicks with silky green skin and gorgeous faces and fuzzy, wiggly antennas and boobs so pointy they can slice a tongue in half. Instead of going the logical way, for some reason The Adventures of Tintin is about a bunch of dudes doing stuff in a boat, and then some more stuff in some sort of sand country. No aliens, no dragons, no boobs. I mean, I know Hergé was kind of a dick when it came to women, but come on! And that wasn't even the most troubling part of the movie: could someone please explain to me what a bestiality joke is doing in a Tintin movie?! Personally, I would absolutely love to see more English-speaking animated films aimed at adults, but in a movie that goes out of its ways to be kid-friendly, a line about sheep fucking just felt completely out of place. The Adventures of Tintin was enjoyable enough to watch, but the whole thing felt like such a tragic waste of time, money, talent and technology that I don't know if I can trust Steven Spielberg anymore. I think his next movie is about a Nazi-killing horse or something, so maybe that would be kind of cool. Maybe.

And since there aren't any hot chicks in The Adventures of Tintin, here is a photo of the lovely Alexandra Breckenridge, who does an incredible job playing the sexy young version of Frances Conroy in American Horror Story! 

In other news: I finally got to watch A Serbian Film, and to be perfectly honest I thought that the infant porn scene actually made a lot of sense. I mean, think about it: why should an infant's first encounter with adult genitalia be exclusive to vaginas? Right? Think about it. I dare you.

Haiku of the Day: Honest!

I don't diddle kids.
I really don't diddle kids.
And I'm not lying.

Also, there are no small children under my desk at the moment, and I am wearing pants. I swear!

Thank you It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and thank you Danny DeVito!

Frights, camera, action!

Last week I saw this picture in the paper of the new Channel 10 News anchorwoman, who in addition to being a classy young lady, is also a smoking hot piece of ass:

Aside from an unfortunately orange face, it's a pretty nice picture, right? Well, take a closer look and guess again:

Could someone please explain to me why so many attractive young women these days have hands that look like two bags of snakes? It is completely beyond me. It's so sad to think that every time this chick's husband (who is also a pretty cool journalist) gets a handjob, he feels like he's married to the Crypt Keeper.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are three handy flowcharts that simplify the thought processes required when dealing with three very important questions I find myself asking at least once a day. They're pretty useful, especially if you're me!

The other kind of Photoshop crime

Dear Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie,

I love you both with a deep, everlasting passion, I love you more than life itself, I love you like I love the hummus at Aba Gil (especially you, Ms. Brie), and so I would like to make this official, sincere apology for what I have done here, but as soon as I saw that GQ Women of Community photo shoot I knew that I would never be able to stop myself.

I'm so sorry.

Humbly yours,
Ben.


Before
The original photo:

A Closer Look
Alison Brie's chest:

Gillian Jacobs' chest:

Ms. Brie's somewhat hairy forearm (she is half-Jewish after all):

After
All nice and shopped (click for a better view of the smooth, unblemished goodness):

P.S.
I have a problem, I know I do, and I promise to get help just as soon as I find a new psychologist who isn't too expensive and doesn't make me want to punch them in the mouth.

Aww, what a sweet little Dick!

Last week I went to see The Adjustment Bureau, and it was actually pretty entertaining for a Matt Damon movie. Being a huge Philip K. Dick fan, I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel about a romantic little sci-fi movie that's based on one of his short stories, but I ended up liking it quite a bit. See, you've got these strange beings, and they look like '60s dudes, with suits and hats and everything, but really they're some sort of angels or something, whose job is to make sure that everything goes according to plan in the world. Specifically, they have to make sure that Matt Damon and Emily Blunt don't hook up, because apparently, even though they're obviously meant to be together, every time he sticks it to her an angel loses its wings or something. Now, I never really got what the big deal was about Emily Blunt, but her performance in The Adjustment Bureau is just spectacular, and I can now honestly say that if I had to fight the People Upstairs for the right to get into her little British panties, I'd definitely give it a shot. I may not be able to understand what a classy broad like that would see in the poorly animated mannequin that is Matt Damon, but I totally understand why his character would fall madly in love with her after that brief men's room encounter, which tragically isn't nearly as sleazy as it sounds. It could be my medication, or it could simply be Ms. Blunt's rocking body, but surprisingly enough, all that romance didn't make me want to puke even once. I didn't even mind the dancing parts, which just goes to show you that the only way dancing has any value is when a hot chick is the one doing it. What did bother me a little was that for some reason they changed the character of the talking dog from The Adjustment Team, the short story that the movie was based on, into a black dude. Not cool, and pretty damn racist, even if it was a black dog in the story. Man, talking dogs are hilarious. Talking animals are pretty cool in general, except when they're in an American CG animated movie. I saw this fish a couple of weeks ago, and it was totally talking to me. He was all like, holy crap, I'm in a fridge at the supermarket! Why the hell am I in a fridge? This sucks! It kinda creeped me out, so I just walked away. Anyway, my point is, while the short story had much better special effects, The Adjustment Bureau is a pretty interesting and very cute expansion of it. It's no Minority Report, but it's miles and miles above that Ben Affleck/Uma Thurman piece of crap.

Emily's Blunts. Aren't they lovely?

In other news: I've been watching Sliders lately, after not having watched a single episode for over a decade, but now that I'm halfway through the third season and Kari Wührer is a regular, it's getting harder and harder to watch an entire episode from start to finish without pausing to do the happy peepee dance.

Marvel at Kari Wührer, the sexploitation queen of the '90s

They really don't make them this hot anymore. Seriously, if this keeps up I'm going to whittle my pee stick down to a bloody stump. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that in reality she's almost 44. Still hot though, I'm guessing. Damn. My pee stick is doomed.