Sunday, June 26, 2011

Jesus loves hairy Jewish girls

Last night I went to see Sarah Silverman (who's turning 41 this year but could still easily pass for 28, especially with that neck) perform live at the Wohl amphitheatre in Tel-Aviv, and here is a list of some of the things I got to see her do:

1. She pretended to gag on her father's cum.
2. She said the word 'pussy' over and over and over again.
3. She masturbated her pretend-penis into her fist.
4. She sang the word 'cunt' over and over and over again.
5. She masturbated her pretend-vagina (though I'm pretty sure she has a real one tucked in somewhere) in two completely different styles.
6. She confessed to having passionate relations with Mr. Shimon Peres, the president of Israel.
7. She told a disgruntled museum employee that he should kill himself.
8. She asked a cute big-nosed redhead if she's getting raped.
9. She made fun of some poor homosexual's ridiculously fake British accent.

So yeah, even though you spent about half the show on a pointless Q&A session with the audience that did very little more than show our American guests just how unfortunately retarded Israelis can be, and even though you used to let Jimmy Kimmel stick it to you on a regular basis, thank you Sarah for a lovely evening, and way to earn your place on my Facebook list of people who inspire me to do the happy peepee dance.

And you wouldn't believe the sort of stuff she did with that mic

In other news: there was this really hot bikini photo of Bar Paly in the weekend paper, so naturally I had to look up some more online, where I found out that she had a small role in The Ruins, and so I was forced to watch the movie again, the first time I have since I've read the book. I really hope that her part in Hyenas is a little more substantial, because she really is smoking hot, and if I don't get a full frontal from her any time soon I'm probably going to end up wasting my last 4 minutes at that porn site I found a free code card to in an old issue of Heavy Metal.

Everybody knows why you dropped the H from your last name, Bar Paly

Update: could two separate images from the same photo shoot, one showing boobs and the other showing some pubic hair, be considered full frontal? If the answer is yes, I think I may have just saved those 4 free minutes. Hooray!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Facebook dragon!

Easily the best thing I have ever done with Facebook. Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How to make sure your tie doesn't get into your hummus

Well, that's easy. You just get yourself a nice tie clip (or a tie bar, or a tie pin, or a tie chain). And if you're a weird little geek, you get one with a Cybus logo or a little face of a crazy space alien from outer space, and clip it onto your dragon tie!

I am

a big



In other news: I don't like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. I don't think they're funny, I don't think they're very pleasant to watch, and I just find them generally annoying. But I did like Paul, which I watched yesterday. A lot. And not only did they star in it, they also wrote it. What does it mean? Probably that I just really like R-rated movies that feature funny looking aliens that sound like Seth Rogen and a whole lot of sci-fi references. And so, today I felt compelled to watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind again, and here is my review of the aliens in it: the first one, the big one that looks like a puppet on a string, is just plain awful. The little ones that look like little kids in alien costumes look pretty good, mostly because of the way they're lit from behind, but there were one or two shots when their faces were seen more clearly, and those were pretty bad too. But the final alien, the one that smiles and does that hand thing, that one was totally awesome, and has successfully made up for the general crappiness of its predecessors. Man, I wish I were a spooky space alien. Always have. And I already know exactly who I would use that anal probe on first, and it's definitely NOT Marla Sokoloff. Honest!

Okay, fine, it is her.

Monday, June 20, 2011

I guess I'm a douche

Well, apparently, Ed Hardy clothes are made exclusively for douchebags, a statement I cannot wholeheartedly disagree with, but I don't really care, because I happen to really like my new Ed Hardy necktie. It's got dragons on it!

That's fine, I'm used to being made fun of

Coming up next: how to make sure your tie doesn't get into your tahini at a family wedding!

In other news: yesterday I watched And Soon the Darkness, and it was pretty entertaining if not original in the slightest (two hot chicks travel through South America and encounter a human trafficking ring, and the moral of the story is: foreign countries are dangerous and people whose first language isn't English are pure evil) but it did have both Amber Heard and Odette Yustman in tiny bikinis in the same shot, so yeah, not a single dry penis was left in the house.

Yay! It's another opportunity to post a photo of Amber Heard! 

Also in other news: I also watched Let Me In yesterday, a year and a half after I watched the original Let the Right One In, and I actually really liked it, which proves that sometimes American remakes can vastly improve on bleak and depressing European films. Man, I can't believe I have to wait almost four whole years before I can begin to construct elaborate masturbatory fantasies starring Chloë Moretz.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

At least the vampires were cool

Earlier this week I went to see Priest, and I guess it was sort of fun, once I got past the total lack of originality. I mean, Paul Bettany is pretty hot, but in the spirit of last week's Shavuot, the Jewish holiday that is basically just a big scam set up by dairy farmers, Priest is a motion picture experience that is just about 100% pure cheese, and there are only so many curds I can take in one sitting. And fake 3D is still dumb, pointless and just plain evil. Oh well. At least the vampires in the movie were kinda cool, all big and slimy and with no eyes, and they don't talk, which in this case is a pretty big plus. What creeped me out the most about the movie was that Lily Collins, who was 21 when they shot it and played a character who's supposed to be 18 years old, looked about 13 to me, which made me physically cringe when she almost made out with this guy who's almost 30. I'm so bad at telling women's ages that if I were socially active at all, it could have gotten me into some pretty awkward and possibly criminal situations. So yeah, thank gawd I'm not, right?

I don't care how legal Lily Collins is or how nice her boobs are, she still looks like jailbait to me

In other news: a couple of days ago I was in Tel-Aviv, where I went through nine different used bookstores in under 90 minutes in search of a book I didn't really need. As I was looking for it in one of the stores, this guy who was sitting there there reading a book reached back, took a book off of a shelf behind him and motioned me to take it, without looking at me or saying anything. "Hmm?", I said. He just kept on motioning me to take it. "What?!", I said. He still kept on motioning me to take the book, not saying anything, not taking his eyes off the book he was reading. Reluctantly, I accepted the book, which turned out to be Dostoyevsky's Netochka Nezvanova and White Nights. Yeah. So I put the book down gently, and got the fuck out of there. It's so refreshing to meet people who are ever creepier than I am.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Coolest. Car. Ever.

This awesome looking car has somehow materialized itself this morning in front of my building. A couple of hours later, it vanished as mysteriously as it had appeared. Enjoy!

Also on this fine Shavuot eve:

Dudu Zar entertaining small children, minutes before he called me a 'long haired dad' and invited me onto the stage to play a snail puppet named Shabi. I respectfully declined the offer.

Dudu Zar's butt

A cute little robot that from now on will helps me keep my headphones cord under control

And an awesome turtle!!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Broken down dinosaurs in Berlin!

Today I went to see Hanna, and I guess it was okay, even if it wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be. Also, Olivia Williams, who has a rather pointless role in it, is starting to look kinda old, which is really sad. And I really don't get why Eric Bana keeps getting work, because he has like zero charisma. Oh well. At least the music was pretty cool, thanks to the Chemical Brothers. The greatest thing about the whole movie was the part that was shot in an abandoned theme park in Berlin. According to some dude named Joe who wrote something on the internet, the park was opened in the late '60s under the name Kulturpark Plänterwald and was closed down in 2002, and wikipedia says that a couple of years later the former owner of the park was sentenced to seven years in jail for attempting to smuggle 180kg of cocaine from Peru to Germany in the flying carpet ride! And if that wasn't awesome enough, the park had dinosaurs! Big ones! Dinosaurs that are now mostly broken down and just lying around on the ground! Next time I'm in Berlin I really need to check it out, because it truly looks like the happiest place on earth, especially if you really like creepy old theme parks.

Sadly, there will be no boobs today,

because Saoirse Ronan is 17,

and Cate Blanchett is just meh,

but these dinosaurs are still pretty cool,

aren't they?

And look! A dragon thingy!

In other news: for some reason I literally got all teared up during the last few seconds of last night's episode of Doctor Who. What do you think it could mean?

a. I'm a hopeless sci-fi dork.
b. I'm hours away from a complete mental breakdown.
c. I'm a fucking pussy.
d. it was a really moving scene, shut up!

I think I'm gonna go with 'all of the above'.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Best holocaust movie EVER

This week I went to see X-Men: First Class, and it was great, just great. Really, a fantastic film. The story, the casting, the acting, the action, everything is just top notch, and making an X-Men movie that's set in the '60s during the Cuban missile crisis (with a deeply movie introduction set during WWII) is nothing short of brilliant. Kudos to Matthew Vaughn, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors working today, for breathing life back into the X-Men film franchise. My only problem with the movie is this: why is it that in a film full of new and exciting female characters donned in wonderfully skimpy outfits, the only seriously hot chick is a two-second cameo role played by an actress we've already seen in the first three movies? I mean, Jennifer Lawrence, playing a young Mystique, is really very pretty, but I don't care how nice her boobies look in blue makeup, because at the age of 20 she still looks like a child. Zoë Kravitz, who plays some sort of winged hooker, is pretty damn hot, but I'd still rather bang her mom. Rose Byrne has like zero sex appeal, which is a real shame for a woman this good looking. And January Jones? I'm sorry, maybe there's something seriously wrong with me, but she does absolutely nothing for me, and her portrayal of Emma Frost was just plain boring. Despite all that, X-Men: First Class is now my favorite X-Men movie, and not just because it's the first one where someone uses the F word. If things go as planned, I don't see any reason why the sequel can't have some nice, tasteful mutant nudity. If there aren't any three breasted women in the X-Men universe, I really think it's about time to make one up.

On second thought, I guess sometimes two are just enough

In other news: I don't get it. I really don't. Why would anyone want to eat goat dairy products? Why do people do that to themselves? Why would you want to eat something that makes your mouth feel like you've just licked a goat's anus clean? I really don't get people. But I guess there's nothing new about that.