Sunday, November 25, 2012

I Love High School Slayers

I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

It's fine, she's a Republican and a female, so she probably hates her body anyway.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

People are Awful: The OkCupid Experiment

The Experiment:
Two weeks ago, disappointed by humanity yet again, I've decided to try and compose the most awful, cheesy and boring dating profile known to man. It had to be believable, so it couldn't be all bad, but it was pretty damn close. There wasn't a single original idea in the entire profile. It was basically one excruciatingly typical cliché. I then proceeded to answer over 200 matching questions (this is how OkCupid matches potential partners) in the most douchey way possible. Finally, I added a single profile photo, one that I found by googling 'white guy with sunglasses'. The person in the photograph was wearing large, pink-rimmed sunglasses (during what appeared to be nighttime, no less), so one couldn't really tell what he looked like. I am not going to translate the profile, because most of the awfulness would be lost in translation, but those of you who read Hebrew might get a kick out of it.

The Results:
Well, they certainly weren't very surprising, assuming one is at all familiar with the human species. Within 10 short days, and without contacting any other OkCupid member, the fake profile had received over 70 visits from eligible women and six personal messages, numbers which my real profile took over 6 month to accumulate.

People are awful and they only like other people who are just as awful as they are, we are all doomed and I definitely don't want to live on this planet anymore. So long, and thanks for all the vegan burgers.

In other news: so the recent war (oh, I'm sorry, 'military operation') got here this afternoon, which included sirens all over the Tel-Aviv area and two loud bangs. If this should be the last post I ever make, you'll be able thank our Fearless Leader for it.

Update, November 17: the fake profile just got the 'you're now among the most attractive people on OkCupid' email. FML.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Return of the Burt: a Bull Terrier's Tale

I was never a big fan of '80s Tim Burton. Much like the rest of that decade, his movies had a lot going for them, but ultimately they were too awkwardly-made and too much on the bad side of creepy for me to truly enjoy. '90s Tim Burton was a completely different creature: his movies were so rich and joyful and lovingly crafted that they defined an entire generation of avid moviegoers. Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Selick's The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks! and Sleepy Hollow were all regarded as cinematic masterpieces by anyone with fully functioning ocular organs (yes, even Mars Attacks. shut up, aliens are cool!), but then something truly terrible had happened. 2001 saw the rise of '00 Tim Burton, who was a big scary money-making machine which produced a string of big-screen artistic disasters and made us all suspect that some time around the turn of the century Mr. Burton had sold his tortured soul to the studios for a buttload of cash (I'm blaming '00 Tim Burton for Alice in Wonderland too, even though it was released in early 2010). Then came Dark Shadows, which wasn't a perfect film, but it did get me to reconsider my view of Burton's transformation. Finally, yesterday I got to attend an accidentally-private screening of '10s Tim Burton's stop-motion animated remake of his 1984 Frankenweenie, and boy, was I glad to behold his glorious return to the realm of heartwarming black-and-white creepiness. I absolutely loved everything about this version of Frankenweenie, and I have no doubt that this is the best possible way of telling this story of one boy's unbound love for his tragically deceased puppy. Welcome back, Timmy. I hope you'll decide to stick around for at least another eight years.

Reanimated bull terriers are ADORABLE.

A note on the animation: in the age of computer animation, the only merit of stop-motion animation is its hand-made quality. Corpse Bride, Burton's 2005 film, did not possess that quality, which is one of the reasons I disliked it so much. A stop-motion animated film that looks and feels as smooth and perfect as a computer animated film is a complete waste of quite a bit of time, money and talent (and the godawful songs didn't help either). The good news is that Frankenweenie looks a lot more like The Nightmare Before Christmas than Corpse Bride. Don't get me wrong, the animation is still very fluid and you can definitely notice the use of modern animation techniques, but the animation style, the gorgeous character design (especially Martin Landau's Mr. Rzykruski) and the textures of both sets and characters are much more reminiscent of crude pencil sketches than of computer models. And that's a good thing.

Can you guess how many beauty marks I felt compelled to remove from this image? The winner gets a free butt mole!

And a note on the 3D: for some reason, Frankenweenie is only released in Israel in eye-popping 2D. As that is how it was originally shot (the 3D version is one of those crappy conversion things), that is also a good thing, and I'd like to thank whoever made that decision.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Haiku of the Day: Blood & Chrome is OK, I Guess

A computer screen
Is rarely a projector.
Got it, Hollywood?

Dafuq is that crap all over your face!?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Exquisitely Fappable

The following pieces of artwork were photographed this week at the Salon d'Automne Israel art exhibition at the Old Jaffa Port. Enjoy!

Note: if you own the rights to a specific piece, please contact me at once so that I may mail you the corresponding batch of splooge extracted under its influence, or an equivalent amount of said splooge. Especially if your name starts with an X.

Update: yes, that's really her in the comments, and yes, she really did say my splooge is her bread. This planet is getting pretty darn weird and I don't think I like it anymore.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

When Women Say They Like Funny Guys

Every damn time.

Note: I found this image of the lucky douchebag who's currently banging Kristen Bell by googling "white guy with sunglasses", while searching for images for an unrelated project. More details coming soon. Stay tuned!