Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Buy holy water: now with 30% less pee!

Yesterday I went to see Season of the Witch, and it was actually loads and loads of good, cheesy fun. Season of the Witch is a movie about two guys whose job used to be fighting in the name of that invisible bearded dude who lives on a cloud, but now they have to help transport an adorable little witchy witch who's apparently responsible for the Black Plague from point A to point B, for some reason. It's not the most intelligent film in the history of modern filmmaking, but it does have witches, demons, Black Plague zombies and scary demonic wolves, so really, how could I possibly not love it? It also has Nicolas Cage in a silly wig, the marvelously handsome Ron Perlman, Christopher Lee in some pretty awesome and very creepy makeup, the cheeky guy from Misfits and Claire Foy as the cute little witch who looks even cuter with no clothes on. So yeah, I really liked it, despite the lame PG-13 rating which prevented any chance of serious on-screen boobage. At least I got to see the wonderfully dreamy Ron Perlman with his beautiful, manly face completely free of any red makeup. Yum!

Chicks with back scars are totally hot!

This is the 200th post in this blog, and I am pleased to announce that Allergic to Coleslaw has recently been awarded the title of Best Blog in 2011 That Nobody Ever Ever Reads by Hairy Teen Asshole Magazine, online edition. Hooray!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

No Natalie Portman, I really don't want to sleep with you

Today I went to see Black Swan, and I guess that the parts of it that didn't bore the shit out of me were pretty hilarious, in an unintentional sort of way. Black swan is a movie about a ballet dancer chick who makes out with Mila Kunis and then turns into a duck. That was the film's basic premise and I guess that's what I got, but I'd expected a whole lot more from Darren Aronofsky. I absolutely loved Pi, and I really liked Requiem for a Dream, though I swore to never see it again after the first time I saw it (and then I bought it on DVD, and then I bought another copy), and I was completely blown away by The Fountain, but ever since then it's like Mr. Aronofsky has completely lost his mind. First he made a movie about professional wrestling, which is the gayest thing that a low class homosexual can watch without being called a fag, and then he made a movie about ballet, which is the gayest thing that a high class homosexual can watch without being called a fanny bandit. At least wrestling has some hot chicks in it, which I can hardly say about ballet. Dear Darren Aronofsky, please seek professional help as soon as possible and stop making boring, gay movies! I guess the last 20 minutes of Black Swan were kind of cool, when things actually start getting intense, but during most of it I just begged Natalie Portman's character to start making out with Mila Kunis or TURN INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DUCK ALREADY! And speaking of Ms. Portman, I think I'm starting to seriously dislike her. Have you seen her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes? Really awful stuff. She definitely deserves the 2011 Golden Globe Award for most off-putting laugh in an award show. Also, she has like zero sex appeal, despite having pointy, pointy nipples. Okay, so her masturbation scenes in the movie were sort of nice, and she did look pretty great in full black swan makeup, but that's about it. And guess what! Just as I have predicted here over a year ago, the much anticipated lesbian sex scene did in fact contain zero boobs. No boobs whatsoever. It was completely boobless. 100% boob free. What ever happened to the guy who could make Jennifer Connelly show her bush on camera?! What an utter waste. Black Swan had a pretty good potential to be a cool and interesting horror thriller, but instead Darren Aronofsky has decided to trick me into watching skinny chicks prance around the screen for two hours, and shame on him for that. At least I've managed to learn one important thing from the whole experience: real ladies pee standing up.

Remember how hot Natalie Portman used to be like 17 years ago?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Sort of.

In other news, I saw this ultra orthodox dude at a bookstore today, browsing through a book about Justin Bieber. I guess it's good to know that some of them like girls too, and not just young boys.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The next best thing to getting your skull smashed to bits

Last night I went to see Saw 3D, and it was just loads and loads and LOADS of fun! I saw the first Saw back in 2004, and to be perfectly honest I wasn't really that impressed with it, so I never bothered to see any of the sequels, and the way that they treated the series in this part of the world definitely did not help. However, when I heard that they were going to show the final chapter here at the movies, I knew that there was no way I would ever allow myself to miss a 3D horror movie. And so, I had quite a bit of catching up to do. I watched the first six movies within three days, in HD, and surprisingly enough, I actually really enjoyed them! This isn't quality cinema in any way, but they were all nice and gory and pretty to look at (talk about extreme color grading), and you know what? The long and complex back story, as it is told in the first six chapters through various flashbacks, is actually a pretty interesting one! Who would have thought! Sure, some of the plot twists (if not all of them) tend to border on the ridiculous, but it's still all very cool and extremely engaging, if you're into that sort of thing. The final chapter is pretty much just more of the same, which on its own would have been more than enough to thoroughly tickle my gore spot, but the fact that it was filmed in 3D has made it into a viewing experience that very nearly made me cream my pants right there in my seat, in front of gawd and the horrified theater ushers and everybody. It's pretty amazing how a $20 million 3D movie (like Saw 3D) can look infinitely better than a $120 million 3D movie (like The Green Hornet, which I saw the day before) simply because IT WAS ACTUALLY SHOT IN 3D. Sigh. I'm already depressed about having to see The Green Lantern in crappy fake 3D this summer. The only thing that I felt was missing from Saw 3D was a decent helping of sleazy, gratuitous nudity. And no, a 47 year old woman with pointy nipples in a slinky nightie doesn't quite cut it for me these days. On the other hand, we do get the extremely lovely Gina Holden as somebody's wife, and at one point she isn't wearing any clothes to speak of, so I suppose that in away I wasn't left completely unsatisfied. In a way. A creepy way. A gross way. An awesome way.

Gina Holden burns alive very prettily

Bonus haiku:

Redhead on the bus
Please look in my direction
It would help later

Sunday, January 16, 2011

More chubby superheroes please!

Today I went to see The Green Hornet, and I guess it was sort of okay, in a completely generic sort of way. It's exactly what you would expect from a superhero origin comedy written by and starring Seth Rogen, but not even a tiny bit more. I was never a huge Michel Gondry fan, but what I did like about his previous movies, sappy as they may have been, was that they all had something special and unique about them, if not in the storyline then definitely in the visual side of things. The Green Hornet, with the exception of a handful of short sequences, is not that kind of movie in any way. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, but it is completely unmemorable, I didn't care one bit about any of the characters or any of the plot lines, and after the first 30 minutes I mostly just wanted the whole thing to be over. I would definitely like to see more chubby superheroes out there, but it would be nice if they could put them in movies that I could actually give a crap about. Surprisingly enough, the fake 3D actually didn't look all that bad. It wasn't good, but it wasn't completely awful either. And yet, I still think that the whole concept of 3D conversions is thoroughly stupid an a complete waste of time and effort. It's about as pointless as plastic boobs on a chick with a dick. Sure, it sort of resembles the real thing, but in the end of the day it's not going to fool anyone who isn't legally blind, and unless you're severely drunk you will not want to stick your cock in it.

Remember how hot Cameron Diaz used to be like 17 years ago?

Bonus haiku:

Seth Rogen is hot
How I wish I looked like him
But with better hair

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Museums smell funny

I only have one question about the newly renovated Israel Museum in Jerusalem: how come they thought it was okay to display this elegant piece of art on the wall at the Dada exhibition hall,

Marcel Duchamp's Fountain

...but they couldn't bother to install even a single urinal in the men's room? It's just weird, because everybody knows that using a urinal is the most fun a person could possibly have while urinating indoors. In a completely unrelated matter, guess what I did at the museum! I'll give you a hint: it was brown and it didn't smell very nice. Also, in yet another completely unrelated matter, I think I may have recently contracted some sort of STD from a toilet seat. When bright green goo starts oozing out of your penis it's time to go see the peepee doctor, right?

Hans Bellmer's The Half-Doll

This alone was worth the price of admission

Hans Bellmer's The Top, aka BOOBIES!!!