Some People Just Don't Know How to Age, Part I

Last week I went to see Cloud Atlas, and even though some stories were better than others (the future is always more interesting than the past) and the makeup jobs were a little uneven (Halle Berry as a middle-aged Korean man? Seriously?) the entire experience was simply overwhelming and truly amazing to behold. Easily the best thing the Wachowski siblings have done since 1999. The only thing that bothered me was how Ms. Berry, who is currently 46 years old, looks exactly like she did over a decade ago in Swordfish and the first X-Men. Hasn't anyone taught her how to age properly? She should be ashamed of herself.

This is basically how old Halle Berry looks in Cloud Atlas. I don't think that's her natural hair color, though.

Haiku of the Day: Blood & Chrome is OK, I Guess

A computer screen
Is rarely a projector.
Got it, Hollywood?

Dafuq is that crap all over your face!?

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

I Think I Just Got Loopus!

Today I went to see Looper, the new R-rated neo-noir time travel sci-fi thriller written and directed by Rian Johnson (the brilliant mind behind Brick) starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt as a blonde with a southern accent and Piper Perabo as a hooker with adorable little boobies. Sounds like a recipe for a huge disappointment, doesn't it? Well, unfortunately for all you pessimistic assholes out there (me included, naturally), it is not. Looper is just as amazing a film as its premise makes it sound, and so much more. It's set 30 years in the future but it doesn't shove that fact down your throat, the acting is solid all around, the writing and directing are obviously of the highest quality imaginable, the time travel rules are a little weird but still extremely cool, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's makeup is totally freaky but not too distracting, and it literally has the best booty-call-via-frog scene I have ever seen in my entire life. If you're a fan of all that is good and pure, it does not get much better than this big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey cinematic stuff.

IMDB said Looper was rated R for nudity (among other awesome things), but I did not expect to see Ms. Perabo wearing nothing but her undies! Good stuff. Good, good stuff.

And eariler this week I went to see the new Resident Evil movie, but since it didn't seem to have a plot or a script or any acting to speak of I don't really have much to say about it, other than that I did have some fun staring at a 3D Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a couple of post-it notes, and that I'm definitely looking forward to the next movie in the franchise, mostly just because I really like flying monsters.

No Real Cows were Blown Up During the Making of this Movie

This week I went to see the 102 minute long Costco commercial known as The Watch, and I had a really nice time. It's exactly what one would expect from an R-rated comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, only with an ever higher dosage of dick jokes and a bunch of scary aliens running around and skinning people! Mind you, I did ingest a healthy amount of the movie-enhancing substance commonly known as Tuborg Red while watching the film, so scenes projected on the screen may have appeared funnier than they actually were, but that doesn't make my viewing experience any less fun. That is all.

Jessica Stroup may not have anything to do with The Watch, but she is still amazing and I want to bear her beautiful children in my big fat belly.

So, I saw the Total Recall remake this week.

You don't have to see the Total Recall remake.

Here's a quick comparison:

• The Hero: Arnie or Colin Farrell? Arnie, obviously. He might be big and dumb, but he knows how to use it to his advantage. Colin Farrell may be a fine actor, but as an action her he's fucking boring. Original: 1, remake: 0.
• The Wife: Sharon Stone or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Stone, you were very pretty in the early '90s, but Ms. Beckinsale is absolutely gorgeous even at the ripe age of 39. Also, spectacular ass. Original: 1, remake: 1.
• The Bad Guy: Michael Ironside or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Beckinsale, if this were a "who would you rather get an over-the-pants handjay from?" type of contest you'd be a sure winner, but playing a good villain takes the kind of awesomeness only creepy-looking character actors like Mr. Ironside possess. Original: 2, remake: 1.
• The Girlfriend: Rachel Ticotin or Jessica Biel? Well, I'm not a huge Jessica Biel fan, but even I have to admit that these two don't even belong to the same species. Seriously Mr. Verheoven, what were you thinking? Original: 2, remake: 2.
• The Über Villain: Ronny Cox or Bryan Cranston? Mr. Cox did a fine job in the original, but Bryan Cranston is a fucking god, so even though his character doesn't really do much in the remake, it's not like he can lose to anyone. Original: 2, remake: 3. (oh noes!)
• Special Effects #1: how good did they look? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology and has the kind of realistic look that I'm guessing will still seem convincing even in 22 years. Original: 2, remake: 4. (dafuq!?)
• Special Effects #2: how cool were they? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation that were totally awesome! The effects were weird and funny and unlike anything else seen at the time. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology, but as long as your futuristic world looks like every other sci-fi movie that's out there, what's the point? Sure, the movie is technically perfect, but that doesn't mean it isn't utterly boring to look at. Original: 3, remake: 4.
• Story: The original wasn't very faithful to the Philip K. Dick short story, but it did have Mars in it. The remake doesn't even have that. It's like someone had an idea for a generic sci-fi thriller about a giant elevator that travels through the center of the planet, but couldn't get it picked up until he rewrote it as a Total Recall remake. Nice try, but no thanks. Original: 4, remake: 4.
• Gore and Nudity: The original was an R-rated Paul Verhoeven film. The remake is a PG-13 joke directed by Kate Beckinsale's husband, where people get shot and there's never any blood in sight. You do get one quick shot of the triple-boobied hooker, but it's so brief you can easily miss it if you blink at the wrong time. Original: 5, remake: 4.
• Fun: The original Total Recall was a blast. The new remake is so generic and yet it takes itself so seriously that mostly it just made me want to take a nap in the theater and get the hell out once the credits came up. Original: 6, remake: 4.

Final Verdict: If you're craving some Total Recall goodness, the 1990 Paul Verhoeven film looks pretty amazing on blu-ray. Len Wiseman's remake, however, turns a true classic into something that is so mundane you'd forget it the second you leave the theater. He should just keep making movies where his wife wears fake fangs and tight outfits. You can never go wrong with that sort of stuff.

If you don't think that this rugged and manly individual is a GOD, then the atheists win!

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Last week I went to see Prometheus, and despite of what most of the reviews I've read since then had to say, I didn't think it was stupid, I wasn't bothered by any plot holes and I don't think Ridley Scott needs to stop making movies. In fact, I thought it was one of the most interesting, thought provoking, intense, visually breathtaking and just awesome movies I have ever seen. And the 3D was really good too! Until now, the only two Ridley Scott movies I've actually liked were Alien and Blade Runner, so I basically haven't enjoyed any of his stuff since I was two years old, but Prometheus just blew my stupid little mind to bits. It's no Alien, because it's not about chasing a scary monster through dark corridors, but it's so much more than that. I'm not saying I actually understood even half of it, but I knew I was watching something truly unique, and long before the movie ended I knew that I wanted to see it again in the next couple of weeks. And then I went online and read a lengthy but elegant analysis of the film, and then I knew I just had to see it again as soon as fucking possible. The explanation seemed kinda weird, but it was based on interviews with Mr. Scott himself, and in a way it made perfect sense (spoiler: once again it's all the chosen people's fault). So yeah, it's pretty clear to me that I'm going to enjoy Prometheus even better the second time, but that will have to wait until I get back from visiting Germany. In the meantime, my message to Ridley Scott is simply this: please make more sci-fi movies, you're really good at those, and please don't bother with other genres anymore, because the last thing the world needs right now is more movies that don't have any robots or gooey space monsters.

Well apparently Charlize Theron is one of those women who still look amazing even as they near their Terrible 37. Good for her!

Coming up next week: expect a bunch of poorly taken pictures of cute German puppies, and if I'm lucky enough, cute German kitties too!

Feel Free to Drop an F-Bomb, Late '70s Mad Magazine

Mad Magazine, January 1978. I recently picked up my copy at this cute little used bookstore in Tel-Aviv. Apparently even back then everybody knew that C3PO preferred boy-bots (and that R2D2 was a gay bashing asshole).

Agent B. Approves (Elfman Double Feature Part II)

Yesterday I went to see Men in Black 3, and surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty good! I've always loved the original Men in Black (despite my deep, burning hatred for everything that is Will Smith), but the 2002 sequel was a huge letdown (I think the script went something like: "Here's a weird looking alien, here's another weird looking alien, and hey look, over there we've got another weird looking alien. The End") so I was more than a little suspicious this time around, which is why I couldn't be happier to find the new movie deliciously delightful and just so, so much fun! I mean, who would have thought that transporting a gentleman of darker complexion with an attitude problem into the 1960s would actually be a good idea! If I thought '90s aliens were awesome then the '60s variety totally blew my mind, and you also get Andy Warhol played by a generic SNL comedian AND the profoundly hilarious Jemaine Clement (whose baby I definitely wouldn't mind having) as a big scary one-armed time-traveling space alien! I also found it pretty funny that in a sci-fi comedy about time travel, the only thing that didn't make sense to me was how a smoking hot piece of ass like the unnaturally lovely Alice Eve turns into Emma Thompson in only 40 years' time, because we all know what Mrs. Thompson looked like when she was younger, and she was never that hot, or even at all. Which is a little weird, but also says a lot about the quality of the script, written by some Jewish guy I've never heard of whose writing credits include Madagascar 2. Yeah. Hopefully they'll hire him once again to write MIB4: Black Suits on the Grassy Knoll, in which we'll finally learn who fake-assassinated America's first Alpha-Centauri-Catholic president and why there were no evidence of his long fluffy double-ended tail at the scene of the supposed crime.

Alice Eve desperately wants you to look up her nude scenes from Crossing Over and fap to them like the diseased, sex starved chimps that you know you are

And guess what! I got to see the movie in spectacular, jaw-dropping 2D! Thank you Yes Planet for not making my eyes bleed from the awful fake 3D!

Daddy Issues in Outer Space

This week I went to see Lockout, a Luc Besson produced sci-fi-ish thriller about an amnesiac cop who has to save the president's daughter from a maximum security prison in outer space, and it was kinda dumb, but also sort of fun. Sure, the movie is chock full of genre clichés, the plot doesn't make any kind of real sense and Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace (of Lost fame) do an awful job playing the two main characters (he's about as funny as a Holocaust documentary and she's extremely pretty but about as sexy as a yellow haired doorknob, though she does get considerably hotter after her prison makeover) but Joseph Gilgun is just as awesome as he was on Misfits (he would've looked just as crazy and menacing even without all those scars and tattoos) and the special effects are pretty good and I never got too bored watching it, so I guess I'm not too angry with Mr. Besson. The worst thing about the movie? Guy Pearce is 16 years older than Maggie Grace, which means he probably started having sex before she was even conceived, which means he's old enough to be her father, so throughout the entire thing I kept praying to the hairy guy upstairs to please please please whatever you do just don't make them kiss in the end, because he's way too old for her and the two of them have zero screen chemistry and the thought of them together makes me blow chunks. Well, they never actually kissed, but the final scene was just as bad. Yuck.

Maggie Grace in better days. I guess Iraqis don't really care about a girl's personality, as long as she looks good in a bikini.

Bonus haiku:

Dubstep's not so bad
Makes me wish I had someone
To bone me to it.

Cuckoo for Catnip

I have never watched any of the Harry Potter movies, or any of the Twilight movies, because I don't like kids and I despise teenagers and I don't really like wizards and I really don't like sparkly vampires who carve cock (unless they have boobs and live on True Blood) and I think that the only people who should be legally allowed to read young adult fiction are teenagers, and even they can usually do a lot better. And yet, yesterday I went to see The Hunger Games, and it was actually not bad at all! I mean, sure, everybody knows that Donald Sutherland, Woody Harrelson and Stanley Tucci are totally awesome, and it only made sense that Elizabeth Banks would still look totally hot even in all those ridiculous, unflattering outfits, and Gary Ross did write and direct Pleasantville, which happens to be one of my favorite movies ever, and Jennifer Lawrence is in fact oh so very pretty, but what surprised me the most was that despite the lame romantic plot line between Catnip and her creepy stalker boy (camouflage being one of the basic essentials of efficient stalking), the story was actually really good, and that I actually cared about the characters. Also, in most movies, when a child or a teenager is in mortal danger they usually get rescued at the last minute, and if they actually die then the movie thinks it has the right to try and make you feel like it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to anyone in the entire history of space and time. Well, not in this movie, where watching kids get offed in interesting ways is the main attraction. Since I suffer from a rare bone disorder that prevents me from enjoying a movie if I've already read the book it's based on, I can't really read the other two books in the series, but I'll definitely pick up the first one, if only to find out just how graphic the gory parts really are. Hopefully I'll be able to locate a used copy that doesn't stink too much of teen spirit.

Why so serious in the movie, Jennifer Lawrence? In real life you seem hilarious!

In other news:

Dear Internetz,


Please stop coming to my blog looking for 'hot', 'sexy' or 'nude' pictures of Isabelle Fuhrman. She is barely 15, and I'm tired of getting creeped out every time I check my traffic sources stats.


Sincerely yours,
Ben

I'm Super. Thanks for Asking!

Yesterday I went to see Chronicle, and it was really really good and interesting and exciting and pretty much everything you could ask for in a found footage superpowers movie, but as a realistic superhero film it does suffer from one basic flaw: it isn't Super. Because after watching Super the previous night, everything else simply pales in comparison.

Technically, it could have been the combination of cold medicine, cough syrup, tequila and sage tea I was on at the time that made me feel this way, but I'm pretty sure the movie has spoken to me in a profoundly personal way, and what it said was this: even if you're the kind of person who compares to the rest of the world the way Rainn Wilson compares to most Hollywood actors, you can still get a few brief moments of happiness during your lifetime, and even though these moments are most likely to be closer to petting a bunny rather than to banging women who look like Liv Tyler, it should be enough to sustain you for most of your life. The three other things the movie has taught me are as follows:

1. Super features the greatest rape scene in the history of filmmaking, and quite possibly in the history of rape. It has to be seen to be believed.
2. Ellen Page is without a doubt the perfect human female specimen, and I would happily give my left arm for a chance to smell her skin for just a fraction of a second. And if the Interweb is right and she really does prefer girls, well, that only makes her even more awesome, because we all know how deeply messed up women who are attracted to men are. I mean, seriously, what sort of person in their right mind could ever think that penises are even remotely passable as sexual organs? The mind literally boggles.
3. I need a pet bunny.

Dear Ellen Page, do you think I could maybe one day spend the night in your bedroom and watch you sleep? I promise I'll be super quiet and that you won't hear a peep! Well, maybe just one soft little SPLAT on your wall when I'm done.

Dear Clea DuVall, I've been desperately in love with you since The Faculty, so next time you have your tongue up Ms. Page and you want to record the event on video, please keep in mind that I actually happen to be pretty handy with a Flip Cam.

The Darkest Hour and a Half

In a world where most commercial 3D projection systems are based on a single projector setup, which decreases image brightness by 50%, filming a movie called The Darkest Hour in 3D isn't exactly the brightest idea in the world. Today I went to see it, and even though this lighthearted tale of alien invasion deep within the Russian wilderness does feature a very cool way to kill off filthy humans, it is most underwhelming in every other respect. The good news is that in anticipation of going to see it, last night I had a dream in which I joined the four guys of The Big Bang Theory in the task of designing our very own homemade 3D projection system, and it was by far the most entertaining dream I've had lately that did not involve urination. And you know who's really hot in that show? The lovely Melissa Rauch, who plays Bernadett! She's Jewish and funny and totally cute and only a month younger than me, and so I would like to take the opportunity to award her this month's Official Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Congratulations, Ms. Rauch! You may now ask my mom for my very manly hand in holy matrimony.

I DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bonus haiku:

Dear Melissa Rauch
You have way too many teeth
Or so it would seem

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).


In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Enjoy it while it lasts, because Kirsten Dunst is turning 30 next year and she's already baby hungry

Today I went to see Melancholia, and I guess it was okay. In Lars von Trier's latest film Kirsten Dunst is a whiny little dairy farmer who enjoys urinating outdoors and is fascinated by big stupid animals with oversized genitalia. In the first part of the story she gets married to an exquisitely handsome Swedish vampire at this disgustingly classy mansion, but oh no, she's all sad and stuff! Once we're done with the wedding video portion of the movie, we can move on to the good stuff - or can we? Spiderman's girlfriend and her circumcised sister (along with the sister's special agent husband and their annoying little brat) are all back at the mansion, and surprise surprise, Ms. Dunst is still oh so very sad. And oh yeah, there's this big blue planet that popped up a little while ago and is going to collide with the Earth real soon in a way that makes very little sense if you know anything about 4th grade astronomy (it's been hiding behind the sun all along!). The movie is very pretty to look at, especially when the big scary planet is hanging up in the sky, and I really liked the music (even though I hear Wagner wasn't exactly a huge fan of the Chosen People), but I usually prefer movies that are a little more... interesting. You do, however, get a full frontal shot and some very nice sideboob courtesy of Ms. Dunst, so if you're into that kind of stuff and you don't mind watching a blonde chick making a sad face for over two hours, go right ahead and see the film. Otherwise, just watch Bring It On again, where she's a whole lot perkier in a bunch of different ways.

Say what you will about Kirsten Dunst, but she looks pretty damn awesome when she's naked and playing with her boobs

In other news: here's a theological question for all you Jebus freaks out there - I went and bought a Santa hat today, but all they had at the store were the ones with white braids on the sides with little red ribbons. Being more or less male, is it acceptable for me to wear the hat as it is, or do I need to cut the braids off so I won't end up in Jebus-hell?

Time is Time! Get it?

I never cared much for Gattaca. The sci-fi in it was solid enough, but personally I found the movie cheesy, humorless and overly dramatic. Also, Uma Thurman has a big nose and I don't understand why she keeps getting work. This week I went to see In Time, Andrew Niccol's latest film, and I got pretty much the same deal, only with a whole bunch of lame time puns (you take a cliché about money, and you replace the word 'money' with the word 'time'. hilarious!) and Justin Timberlake instead of Ethan Hawke and Jude Law. As one would expect, Mr. Timberlake does an awful, awful job in it, and whoever told him he could act played a terrible, cruel joke on him. On the ass front we get Olivia Wilde, who is very pretty to look at, but, as anyone who's seen the trailer knows, doesn't last very long in the movie, and Amanda Seyfried in a bad wig, whom I didn't buy for a second as 'the hot chick'. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Seyfried is a very good looking young lady, but she's a tiny bit too weird looking to be movie-beautiful. I didn't suffer too much watching the movie, since between all those cheesy dialogs and tragically obvious social messages there are in fact more than a few interesting ideas, but as far as I'm concerned this is just yet another one of Mr. Niccol's failed attempts to get me to care, and once again, the failure is pretty miserable.

Yeah, I know, I was way cuter in Jennifer's Body

I also went to see Paranormal Activity 3 this week, and it was just a fucking nightmare. The movie itself was okay, as all the Paranormal Activity movies are based on the same simple shtick and are all pretty entertaining in their own way, but the combination of a couple who sat behind me and wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire time, a bunch of noisy kids outside and an usher who insisted that the doors of the theater should remain open at all time made it almost impossible for me to enjoy myself. The only reason I even went was because I don't think that that kind of movie can work for me at home, but now I'm not so sure anymore. If I had even a glimmer of hope for the species, I have lost it that evening.


Bonus love haiku:

Cute girl on the bus:
If you let me lick your nose
You'll get my balloon.

OMG CHAVS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part IV: Finally, last Tuesday I went to see Attack the Block, and it was actually very entertaining! Good alien invasion stories are always fun to watch, and even though the monsters-alien-thingies had a low budget sort of look (they were basically dudes in big hairy suits with only minimal digital enhancements), they still looked pretty damn cool. There wasn't a huge amount of gore, but what I did get was pretty fantastic, and it's going to take me quite a while to forget the image of this tough looking drug lord getting his face torn off by a bunch of crazy ass space gorillas with huge glow-in-the-dark teeth. Also, this movie if one of very few films that made me glad that they put subtitles on movies here, because some of those kids' accents were just plain indecipherable. Attack the Block is a very fun little movie, but the main thing I took from it was this: any male who is heartless enough to mug someone as adorable as Jodie Whittaker at knifepoint is pure fucking evil and deserves to burn in doggy hell for all eternity along with anyone else who was ever cruel to something cute and small.

I want Jodie Whittaker to stitch up all my genital wounds

In other news: Sukot is the Jewish holiday on which dorky Jews from all over the land come together and hang around the Tel-Aviv cinematheque for seven days filled with geeky movies, geeky books, various types of roleplay (the geeky kinds, not the ones that end with intercourse) and many other dorky activities. Today I visited both Icon festivals (not to watch anything, just to look around), and as predicted, they both made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I did however get to talk to this totally cute redhead (and by 'talk' I mean motion yes and no with my head) who tried to get me to join some sort of club for people who like reading science fiction but can't or won't read English. For obvious reasons I had to respectfully declined the offer (using the art form of mumbling), but the good news is that I now have plenty of new fapping material that should keep me occupied for at least a couple of weeks. I am indeed the very essence of smooth.


Bonus love haiku:

Weird girl on the bus
I'm sorry for the staring
I just want your vag.

OMG ROBOTS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part III: Real Steel, which I went to see today, is a heart warming coming-of-age sports drama about a father and son team who try to train a humble boxer for the world championship. Why did I like it so much then? Because of all the friggin' ROBOTS! Big robots! Mean robots! AWESOME ROBOTS!!! I didn't even have any problems ignoring all the parts of the movie that didn't have them (and I'm pretty sure there was like half an hour near the end that didn't have ANY robots) because whenever I did get to see robots fighting on the screen it was the coolest thing I've seen in a long, long while! And guess what! Who got to play the role of the supportive chick back home? Why, it's none other than friggin' Evangeline Lilly, the finest piece of ass on the set of Lost for six whole years! That's right: awesome fighting robots AND Evangeline Lilly! And you even get Phil LaMarr as some sort of sports commentator, for some reason! Totally. Fucking. Awesome. What didn't I like about the movie? Well, there's a little boy in it. Eww. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the kid also dances. With the robot. Yeah. What's even worse is that Ms. Lilly's freckles aren't very prominent in the movie, which is a real shame, because in Lost her beautifully freckled skin was one of the top reasons why I liked the show so much. But in the end, even though the plot in Real Steel doesn't always make too much sense, it's still a very cool film that totally brought out my deep love for all things robot, and for that I will cherish it forever.

DAT ASS

You know what's really creepy about cute little boys? I think it's how they always look like if you'd slap a vagina on them and add like ten years they'd turn into hot chicks, while in reality they usually end up as dudes, which is just about the most useless thing I can think of. What a waste.


Bonus love haiku:

I want to make love
To Evangeline Lilly
In the vagina.

Some quick catching up!

The first thing I did after coming back from Montenegro and after that whole explosive diarrhea phase came to a blissful end was to go see the Fright Night remake. It was pretty entertaining, but not very memorable, despite a hilarious performance by the previous Doctor Who as some sort of goth wizard dude. The only thing that stood out about it was how the 3D in the movie was wholly unimpressive, despite having been shot in 3D. Here's some good advice for you future filmmakers out there: shooting a film in 3D is an art. You can't just point and shoot, and you have to know what you're doing, otherwise it looks pretty much like a stupid 3D conversion, and a flat one at that, minus the awful screw-ups.

The next day I went to see the Conan the Barbarian remake, and even though the movie itself was a fun and gory sleaze fest, the gawd-awful 3D conversion pretty much ruined the whole experience for me. In an endless sea of horrible 3D conversions, the new Conan movie shines as the ugliest piece of conversion trash I have seen so far, which is quite a feat indeed. It did, however, inspire me to construct my very own pair of 2D glasses, so I suppose it wasn't a complete waste of my time.

And last week I went to see Cowboys & Aliens and I've enjoyed it quite a bit, but mostly because I'm such a huge sucker for cool alien-type creatures and not because it was a good movie or anything. I've enjoyed the action sequences and the special effects, but the unfortunately weak script was a complete waste of Jon Favreau's talent. Also, the movie had that guy from Dexter! And those two guys from Carnivàle! And that guy from The Shield! And that one really old guy from that old movie with all the dorky lightsabers! And even that oddly hot chick from Tron Legacy! So yeah, I had a moderate amount of fun, but I don't think I'll ever want to watch it again, ever.

And then I went to see Blonde Redhead and Jane's Addiction perform live in Tel-Aviv, and that was pretty fun, even though the hardcore Jane's fans acted like FUCKING ANIMALS and one of them jumped on my big toe and it really hurt. Blonde Redhead were really great, and their opening performance lasted over an hour, which was nice. The thing is, while Perry Farrell is still totally cool, I thought that Dave Navarro looked like a flaming queen, and the fact that every single woman on the planet wants to get into his pants is a testament to what a profoundly screwed up gender they belong to.

Finally, last night I went to take part in the largest political rally in the history of Israel (around 300,000 protesters in Tel-Aviv alone, plus about 150,000 more nation wide), and it was pretty damn cool. And yeah, despite what a lot of people here claim, it was definitely political, and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would definitely like to have sexual intercourse with Daphni Leef. In the vagina. Oh yeah. Vagina-sex with the so-called leader of the protest. Right in the vagina.

Rose McGowan, Y U no be in better movies???

Bonus haiku:
Teen girl on the bus
When you scratch between your boobs
It brings me great joy.

NO!

Yesterday I went to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and, well, wow. Just... wow. What a truly incredible film. I haven't experienced such a deep emotional breakdown at the movies in almost a decade, which could just mean that I'm in a pretty fragile state of mind these days, but I think it's a little more meaningful than that. A lot more, actually. I was never really that impressed with Andy Serkis' previous portrayal of a CGI ape, but this time around he has done such an amazing work with the character of Caesar that I couldn't really help but fall deeply and madly in love with an animated chimpanzee, and a male one at that. And I even cared about the human characters in the film, which is kind of rare for me these days, but with fantastic actors like John Lithgow (who plays a tragic victim of Alzheimer's disease, something I am very much familiar with) and Brian Cox (who plays the evil ape warden) and even fucking David Hewlett (who plays some sort of asshole), how could I not get sucked neck-deep into the story? Maybe it's all the synthetic crap I've been fed at the movies lately, but I honestly can't remember the last time I came out of a theater knowing that I just had to have a sequel, and soon, or I will surely perish. As a standalone film, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an amazing achievement, but there's so much more I'd like to know about this world, so much more I'd like to see, so many more stories that should be told. I know I probably won't live long enough to see the final demise of the human race, but I sure hope I'll get to see it in a Planet of the Apes movie some day. Until then, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Rupert Wyatt for the best monkey movie EVER.

And there's a hot Indian chick in it too!

Where have writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver been hiding all these years?! Their last screenwriting work was in The Relic, back in 1997, which I now need to watch, but that will have to wait until after I'm back from Montenegro. And so, I bid you farewell, suckers! And never forget: if you keep messing up your job as the dominant species on the planet, there will always be others to take your place.