Tuesday, February 28, 2012

It Worked Perfectly

Today I went to see Martin Scorsese's Hugo and it was really really REALLY good, easily my favorite Scorsese movie ever, and the 3D was nothing short of spectacular (well, at least some of the time), and even though nostalgia usually makes me barf violently I was totally moved by the story, and Georges Méliès really was a genius and I can't wait for the remastered A Trip to the Moon blu-ray to come out (yay Air!) and those archive clips were the only truly justified 3D conversions I've seen so far, but seriously, Chloë Grace Moretz needs to get her act together and GROW UP ALREADY, because I am getting sick and tired of feeling like a total pedobear every single time I see her on screen.


Bonus haiku:

Oh Chloë Moretz,
If I were but half my age
Or you twice your own.

Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night

Last night I acted like a total sir and went to see a Hanoch Levin play at the Cameri Theater, where I had the pleasure of staring creepily right at these three lovely actresses. Note: none of them will be mentioned here by name, because of, you know, Google.

This young lady played some sort of hot chick, and I'm guessing it wasn't much of a stretch for her.

This pretty lady played a rather filthy hooker, a look that simply wasn't very becoming of her, but in her natural state she is in fact absolutely lovely. Of course, I already knew that, since I did see her that one time at this really good hummus place in Tel-Aviv three years ago (I believe she had a salad and some tahini eggplant, unless that's a total lie).

This prime example of a gorgeous human female wasn't actually in the play, but she did sit next to us in the theater, and when the coat she was holding accidentally pressed against my arm it was easily one of the top five sexual experiences of my entire life.

Bonus competition: Guess which one of these lovely ladies was lucky enough to be my fappee this morning, and you too could be on my mind the next time I abuse myself, providing you have a vagina (or a small enough penis).

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Foolproof Pick-up Line #20

For the 20th edition of Foolproof Pick-up Lines, here is a special treat for all you ladies out there: a foolproof pick-up line for gals only!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

How to Pick Up Women Like a True Coleslaw

In this very special edition of Foolproof Pick-up Lines you'll learn the basic rules to successfully picking up women. Featuring a very special guest appearance by the beautiful and talented Zooey Deschanel as The Chick!

Rule 1:

Rule 2:

Rule 3:

Rule 4:

Rule 5:

Rule 6:

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Boneslaw is Retired, Long Live the New Boneslaw!

New Boneslaw has reluctantly accepted the position.

Old Boneslaw will be missed.

Friday, February 17, 2012

That Skull is FA-LAMING!

This week Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance came out in Israel and I'm sure it's mildly entertaining despite the horrible reviews, but there's no way I'm going to see it any time soon because they only have it in awful fake 3D here, and watching a 3D movie using 2D glasses is a special kind of hell I only reserve for movies I absolutely must see on the big screen (John Carter will probably be the first one). Besides, I've already seen Nicolas Cage in 3D in Drive Angry, and that was native 3D. Let us all hope that the guy who first came up with the concept of digitally converting movies into 3D will get really bad eye cancer real soon, so he can feel the collective pain of everyone who's ever had to watch an entire movie using that ridiculous sham of a technology.

And since I haven't seen the Ghost Rider sequel and therefore can't really tell if Violante Placido's hotness can last an entire movie, here is a photo of the lovely Jane Levy (Suburgatory), who is basically the prettiest thing you can find of TV these days. Jimmy Kimmel may not have pronounced her last name the way us Heebs do, but to me she'll always be an honorary Jewess. Enjoy!

Also, ridiculously sexy teeth. Yum!

Update: okay, so she's only half-Jewish (on her dad's side). Good enough for me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Devil Inside me thinks crosses are way too emo to be taken seriously

A couple of days ago I went to see The Devil Inside, and it was actually pretty good. It was very scary and I totally bought it, which is basically the single most important thing in a movie such as this, but if you want a really good mockumentary/found footage piece you better off watching The River.
It's really good and scary and interesting and it looks fantastic and there's a smoking hot blonde chick in it and Jack Bauer's wife looks pretty good even though it's been over a decade since season 1, so there really isn't any reason to look elsewhere for your real-looking fake drama needs. I just really hope they don't cancel it prematurely the way the do to most good things on TV.

My biggest problem with the show? You've got all these fancy HD cameras around, and you couldn't find even a single one to put in Eloise Mumford's bathroom!? Shame on you.

Bonus haiku:

Dear army cutie:
You were the loveliest thing
Aboard that dumb bus.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I should totally tag myself

But there's just no way.

A quote from my post about the Lorena B show and a link, posted on Adi Ulmansky's timeline, photographed from a laptop screen in London, posted on Lorena B's Facebook, and now screencapped and posted here. The End.

Bonus haiku that has nothing to do with this post and is only here because Channel 1 keeps airing this promo that uses a cover of that Robert Palmer song:

Addicted to love
That is you in a nutshell
Might as well face it.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm Super. Thanks for Asking!

Yesterday I went to see Chronicle, and it was really really good and interesting and exciting and pretty much everything you could ask for in a found footage superpowers movie, but as a realistic superhero film it does suffer from one basic flaw: it isn't Super. Because after watching Super the previous night, everything else simply pales in comparison.
Technically, it could have been the combination of cold medicine, cough syrup, tequila and sage tea I was on at the time that made me feel this way, but I'm pretty sure the movie has spoken to me in a profoundly personal way, and what it said was this: even if you're the kind of person who compares to the rest of the world the way Rainn Wilson compares to most Hollywood actors, you can still get a few brief moments of happiness during your lifetime, and even though these moments are most likely to be closer to petting a bunny rather than to banging women who look like Liv Tyler, it should be enough to sustain you for most of your life. The three other things the movie has taught me are as follows:

  1. Super features the greatest rape scene in the history of filmmaking, and quite possibly in the history of rape. It has to be seen to be believed.
  2. Ellen Page is without a doubt the perfect human female specimen, and I would happily give my left arm for a chance to smell her skin for just a fraction of a second. And if the Interweb is right and she really does prefer girls, well, that only makes her even more awesome, because we all know how deeply messed up women who are attracted to men are. I mean, seriously, what sort of person in their right mind could ever think that penises are even remotely passable as sexual organs? The mind literally boggles.
  3. I need a pet bunny.

Dear Ellen Page, do you think I could maybe one day spend the night in your bedroom and watch you sleep? I promise I'll be super quiet and that you won't hear a peep! Well, maybe just one soft little SPLAT on your wall when I'm done.

Dear Clea DuVall, I've been desperately in love with you since The Faculty, so next time you have your tongue up Ms. Page and you want to record the event on video, please keep in mind that I actually happen to be pretty handy with a Flip Cam.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Saturday, February 4, 2012