I'd Definitely Occupy That

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVI

Last night I saw a one-woman play originally co-edited by Alan Rickman about how lame this country is. Sounds depressing? Wait until you get to see this attractive young lady wearing nothing but her bra and panties!

I can't even begin to describe how turned on I get by cellulite on hot women.

The only thing that bothered me about the show was how the only person who kept laughing inappropriately in the audience was this terrible old actress who sat in the row in front of me and is also the wife of the creepy old pervert who runs the monodrama festival. Terrible people are terrible.


Bonus: a grainy, high contrast black and white picture of a great big puppy, taken right outside the theater!

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

There is No God: The Ultimate Proof

or: Pretty Girls I Saw This Week, Part XIV

Just before the main discussion panel at the atheist convention in Tel-Aviv had started, two stage men were setting up two tables on the stage. I was sitting in the second row, in front of the right side table. "If this totally hot member of the party I'm going to vote for in the coming elections sits by the right side table," I said to myself, "then the concept of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent deity may not be so stupid after all. However, if she sits by the left side table, it definitely is." Once the break was over, this political cutie sat down at the left side table. You may now draw your own conclusions.

Although, I suppose if Meretz gets six or more seats on the 22nd I might be persuaded to change my mind.

Update: OK, so Meretz got exactly six seats, but I still think it's a bit silly to worship someone who insists on watching me masturbate every day.

Merry Jewish Christmas 2012

Enter Cunnilingus Pun Here

Disclaimer: recently someone must have put me on a list of bloggers who write about Israeli indie music, because I've been getting all kinds of messages from publicists to the email address associated with Allergic to Coleslaw. Among them, I have received last week a message regarding an Eatliz show, which included an offer to have my name added to the guest list. It was pretty neat, but it didn't really feel right, seeing as how most of my music-related posts are more about attractive female vocalists than actual music, so I did not take them up on their offer. I was, however, going to attend the show anyway, so I just paid for my own ticket the way a mere mortal would.

So, this week I went to the Eatliz show in Tel-Aviv, which marked the fourth and a half time I've seen them play live, and as expected, it was pretty amazing. I don't really like writing about stuff I don't know much about, and I really don't know much about the technical side of creating and playing rich, beautiful music, but I do know what I like, and I really like Eatliz. The old material is great, the new material is great, and even though I reserve the right to miss Lee Triffon deeply, I couldn't be more pleased with what a fantastic job Sivan Abelson does as lead vocalist, and I can't wait for the new album to come out.

All I wanted for Christmas was for Sivan Abelson to show a little skin at the show, but I guess Santa thought I've been too naughty this year (this photo was taken a few weeks ago). I do, however, believe that she wasn't wearing a bra. So that's something.

Shto?

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Week, Part XII

Being the only person in the room who doesn't speak a word of Russian has sure got its benefits. For example, if someone were to make fun of the creepy loner who came to see the Saint Petersburg-based band all by himself, it wouldn't bother you in the slightest.

And she's even prettier when she's running a 38C fever!

Smack is Whack

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Nine Days Ago, Part XI

Street parties can be pretty fun when the music is both live and cool. Also, it might be worth mentioning that I haven't experienced this much human contact in years, which I guess was sort of nice. foreveralone.jpg

Scary is the new pretty

Yeah, that's me right in front of her. You have that weird dress to thank for hiding all the ugly.

From Halloween Prop to Sex Toy in 60 Seconds

A little tape and a lot of lube make all the difference. Happy Halloween everybody!

I didn't take a picture of the final result, because that would've been way too creepy. Also, I'm too lazy and not horny enough to actually make it.

I'll Have 400gr of Sarah Gadon, Please

Last night I saw Brandon Cronenberg's Antiviral at Icon TLV, and it was by far the most deliciously Cronenbergian film I have seen in over a decade. Antiviral tells the story of a hideously freckled young man who works as a salesman for a company that sells interesting and exotic diseases extracted from interesting and exotic individuals to people who want to feel as close to their favorite celebrities as they possibly can without actually being in the same room with them. Something happens to this one really hot chick, and then something happens to the ginger sales guy, and a bunch of people keep eating cloned human flesh and puking up blood and sticking each other with needles, but what's really important is that from the very first scene I was once again completely immersed in the beautifully creepy world that is the lavishly diseased brain of a member of the Cronenberg clan, in a way I haven't felt like since the first time I saw Videodrome. David Cronenberg may have officially left the world of all that is good and slimy in the late '90s, but I guess that is why people feel a need to procreate, because while Antiviral is undoubtedly an entirely original creation, one which I'm sure will only gather more and more recognition as more and more viewers are exposed to it, Brandon is still very much his father's son, with all the weird and crazy shit that sort of thing tends to entail. He also seems like a really cool guy, someone I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a mugwump with, and I kinda wanted to shake his hand after the Q&A session, but that would have been kinda weird, because he's about my age, and I usually like my celebrity male crushes to be old enough to be my dad. The young Cronenberg said that he is planning to keep making movies until he runs out of Canadian government money, and if he keeps making them this good, I expect nothing less of him.

Fine, make it 600gr of Sarah Gadon. But you better make it boob meat, because I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight.

And today I saw Dredd 3D, which has some pretty cool gore and violence and not much more than that. Also, the 3D was garbage. The movie was supposedly shot on 3D, but it has so many awful converted shots (including every single close-up) that I found it completely unwatchable. Not even the lovely Olivia Thirlby could save this one, as her only job here was to have yellow hair and deliver awful, generic dialogue. What a complete waste of my time.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

Last Night at the Apoptygma Berzerk Concert

Update: and now there's a photo!

And the Most Awkward Clapping at a Concert award goes to...

Last Night at the Fleischerei Show

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part X

She may not be this chick, but she's still very very pretty and she did a fine job last night as the band's new singer. Congratulation young lady, you now have the Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Keep up the good work!

Also, nice tummy!

Bonus haiku:

Old guy at the club
If you're gonna clap your hands
Please keep to the beat.

Last Night at the Club Above the Record Store

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IX

As usual, no names will be named, in order to protect the innocent (that would be me).

Now close your eyes and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue!

Ooh, what a classy broad.

These are both obviously very pretty ladies, and yet the most amazing experience I've had that night took place after the show, as I was waiting for the bus home. Out of absolutely nowhere came this unimaginably gorgeous young woman and smiled at me! She had long raven black hair, pale skin, red lips, a sharp nose and large dark eyes, and she wore a little black dress. She was basically Morticia Addams, only younger and prettier and much, much sexier. Oh how I wish I could draw her, but my artistic abilities could never do her utter loveliness any justice. When I took my earphones out, she asked me something about the bus in a faint Russian accent, and when I told her that during the summer night buses operate during weekdays as well as the weekend she seemed positively delighted. She then asked me for a cigarette. Never in my entire life had I wanted to be a smoker more. Alas, I find smoking to be grossly icky. After procuring a cancer stick elsewhere, she sat down on the bus bench I was sitting on and just smoked quietly and waited patiently for the bus. At one time during the 30 minute wait she reached with her finger (displaying an attractive shade of blue nail polish) and tapped my arm. I repeat: her finger, on my arm. That's right. She then asked me if I was absolutely sure that the night bus was coming, and discussed the frequency of night buses a little further. When the bus finally got there we both got on, and when it reached my destination I got off it one stop further than my usual stop, just so I could stare at her just a little while longer. The End. Nothing happened, as expected, but yeah, it was easily the most successful verbal interaction I've had with a female human I was attracted to in over eight years (longer than that if you don't count women who were paid to talk to me). Success!


Bonus haiku:

Hot girl at bus stop
I never got to tell you
How much I love you

Last Night at the Theater (but not on stage)

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part V

Last night I went to this fringe theater play, and it was really good and I totally want to see more of that group, but what really caught my eye was this one chick who sat in my row. I couldn't remember her name, but I did know that I saw her on TV a couple of times a few years ago, that she had a boy's first name, that she was ridiculously younger than me and that she was so, so annoyingly gorgeous, as you can now clearly see. Enjoy!

Oh how I wish I were creepy enough not to allow her to squeeze past me without getting some clothes-on-clothes action

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

I believe you missed a spot there, ma'am

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IV


Earth Hour 2012, local edition. I had to wait through almost an hour of awfulness for less than 30 minutes of awesomeness, but I totally got what I came for.

I didn't really care for this little chicky's music, but I still think she's pretty adorable.

Still, the Best Looking Broad of the Night award goes to this lovely young lady, who danced so prettily on stage that I didn't even mind the unsightly hair.

Update, later that day:

Holy crap, a smoking hot blonde (she was blonde tonight) AND she can sing like a father flipper!

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

What's Tiny and Russian and Totally Awesome?

Last night I went to see Zola Jesus perform live in Tel-Aviv and it was just totally great, if a little on the short side. The music, her voice, the scary guy banging the drums, everything was just dead on, but the best thing about the show was when during one of her songs Ms. Danilova left the stage to walk between the huddled masses, where at one point she kinda rubbed up against me, or possibly she was just trying to push me back to get past me. Whatever it was, last night she totally earned her place in the top 5 sexual experiences of my life, pushing that one time I almost made out with Ellen Page in a dream to sixth place. Congratulations.

DEM PITZ

(Photo courtesy of some guy who was there and took it with his fancy camera and put his watermark on the lower right corner. It's way too hot today to take it out, so there it is)


Bonus haiku:

Neighbor having sex
Your girlfriend is really loud
Just finish her off

Redheads are the Reason the Good Lawrd Created the Color Orange

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part III

You know the drill.

All that AND a spectacular rear end!

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

Last Night at the Theatre

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part II

This week I have once again acted like a total sir and went to see two plays at the Habima Theatre, both of which are German-Israeli projects involving Israeli, Palestinian and German actors. Now, don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed both plays tremendously, and if I had anyone to recommend them to I most definitely would have, but since I don't really know anything about the fine art of theatre, I think I better stick to what I know best, which is of course ogling pretty ladies like a disgusting, filthy pervert. Please note that while it may seem like I'm talking about these talented actresses as if they were pieces of succulent tofu-based meat substitute, they are all in fact extremely gifted young women whom I have the utmost respect for. As usual, no names will be mentioned, because of Google.

Adorable German chicks are adorable, especially when they're trying to handle questions from the audience during the post-show Q&A session.

Everybody loves hot lesbian chicks, and when this Israeli actress took her top off on stage there wasn't a dry crotch in the house.

This German-Iranian cutie stripped down to her bra and panties, climbed on top of a chair and gave a fiery political speech that moved me to the core of my peepee stick.

Finally, here's an interesting question for you: when a man masturbates while thinking about a gay woman (and I do mean gay, like someone who would never bang a dude in a million years, not just one who fingers other chicks on camera for cash), does that necessarily mean that he's into rape fantasy? Because if it does, then I am such a worse person than I ever thought I was.

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

My Elaborate Purim Costume, 2012 Edition

Step 1: Get a black sweatshirt.

Step 2: Order some Batman symbol decals on eBay (for $1 a piece).

Step 3: ?????

Step 4: I AM THE BAT.

Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night

Last night I acted like a total sir and went to see a Hanoch Levin play at the Cameri Theater, where I had the pleasure of staring creepily right at these three lovely actresses. Note: none of them will be mentioned here by name, because of, you know, Google.

This young lady played some sort of hot chick, and I'm guessing it wasn't much of a stretch for her.

This pretty lady played a rather filthy hooker, a look that simply wasn't very becoming of her, but in her natural state she is in fact absolutely lovely. Of course, I already knew that, since I did see her that one time at this really good hummus place in Tel-Aviv three years ago (I believe she had a salad and some tahini eggplant, unless that's a total lie).

This prime example of a gorgeous human female wasn't actually in the play, but she did sit next to us in the theater, and when the coat she was holding accidentally pressed against my arm it was easily one of the top five sexual experiences of my entire life.

Bonus competition: Guess which one of these lovely ladies was lucky enough to be my fappee this morning, and you too could be on my mind the next time I abuse myself, providing you have a vagina (or a small enough penis).

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)