Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lumpensammler and damn proud of it

A couple of days ago I happened to find this adorable meter high wooden bear on the sidewalk, after someone must have stupidly thrown it away. I cleaned it, polished it and scraped all the ugly, flaking white paint off the base, and now it's better than ever! I can't believe I was allowed to bring it into the apartment and I still have my worries about that, but as long as it's here I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. I can't even look at it without giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl with a tentacle up her snatch!



In other news: last week I watched Big Man Japan, and I really liked it. It's set in a world where Japan is being protected against giant monsters by a race of Big Japanese Men, who can turn huge in combat but live otherwise perfectly normal lives. The monsters in this movie are just awesome beyond words, but I guess I'm just not really into the whole fake documentary thing. The last ten minutes are completely hilarious and have to be seen to be believed, even though I can't say I understood any of what was going on. Something about grown men in funny costumes running around a miniature set of Tokyo and beating the crap out of some dude in a devil costume. Cool beans.

Anybody wanna see my one-eyed crotch-snake?

Also, I've recently finished watching Hyperdrive, a British sci-fi sitcom from a couple of years ago, and I guess it was reasonably funny, if a tad too British for my taste. The chubby dude from Spaced is pretty damn adorable, but I'm not sure if being adorable is the right base for being funny. Really cool alien makeup designs though, throughout both seasons. Too bad there wasn't more of that. That, and cyborg sex. You can never have too much cyborg horniness in a sci-fi comedy.

Cyborgs are sexy!

Last month they had a bunch of TV shows you could watch for free on VOD, so I watched the first two seasons of Mad Men in ten days. I guess it's an OK show, though it sure could have used some more 30 ft lizard monsters and killer robots and crazy space aliens from outer space, not to mention some naked boobs. Christina Hendricks is absolutely gorgeous, but if her breasts were any larger she'd, um, have really really big boobs. Which would be sort of awesome, I guess.

Christina Hendricks' boobs. In the background: Christina Hendricks

They had the first season of Nurse Jackie for free too, so I watched it as well. The biggest problem with the show in my opinion is that Edie Falco looks like a dude, and not a particularly attractive one at that, so the idea of her being able to attract three different hunky males simultaneously seems a little far-fetched. At the same time, I was delighted to be reintroduced to the adorable Merritt Wever, who played the confused pharmacy chick in Signs. I totally want her to be my new girlfriend. She's exactly the sort of woman you want to be sticking it to while thinking about other, much hotter chicks.


I saw this previously perfectly attractive young actress at the organic supermarket last week, and for some reason she had some kind of baby strapped onto her chest, and her hair was a mess. I'm sorry, but chicks who allow themselves to get knocked up are retarded. They should just go adopt a puppy or something. At least dogs don't grow up and start talking back.

Riki Blich in better days

Finally, I went to see Avatar today for the fifth time, and I still enjoyed it very much. It's funny how the worst display of acting in the whole movie comes from none other than Sigourney Weaver. Giovanni Ribisi, on the other hand, is surprisingly good, and is completely believable as a corporate dick, thick musky pubes included. Sam Worthington does a pretty good job too, especially when he's using his avatar, though it pains me to think that in real life whenever he opens his mouth he sounds like Crocodile Dundee. The best performance is easily Zoe Saldana's Neytiri. Ah, Neytiri. Now there's a Na'vi I would love to see into. I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but when Neytiri laughs, my heart laughs. And when Neytiri cries, my heart cries. And when Neytiri smiles... oh, when she smile. When Neytiri smiles I just wanna crawl up that giant blue vagina of hers and curl up in there until the day I die. Lovely.

A woman standing next to a giant blue vagina

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Way to ruin Christmas, butthole

Today I watched P2, a horror thriller made by the people who did Haute Tension and the Hills Have Eyes remake and starring luscious Orion slave girl Rachel Nichols, some creepy douche and an adorable little rottweiler, and I really liked it. In this heartwarming holiday tale Rachel Nichols plays this smokin' hot office chick who has recently been molested in an elevator by a drunken coworker during an office Christmas party. She's a pretty cool little lady, which you can tell by how quickly she accepts handsy elevator dude's apology, but I guess she's also supposed to be someone who's all serious and hard working, because on Christmas Eve she's the last person to leave the office building where she works. Unfortunately, when she gets to her car on the second parking level it simply wouldn't start, no matter how hard the creepy night guard tries to make it work. She calls in a cab, but when it finally arrives and wakes her up from a long, cute nap she realizes that the front door of the building is locked. That means she has to go back down and ask the creepy night guard to let her out, only when she gets there all the lights start to go out, and we all know what happens to cute chicks in dark empty underground parking lots. The next thing she knows, she wakes up wearing a delightfully low-cut evening dress, seated across the table from none other than Santa Claus himself! No, wait, it's just the creepy night guard again, who simply couldn't be happier about having her as a guest at this intimate Christmas dinner for two in his office. Oh, and her foot is chained to the table. She tries to tell him that she has other obligations for the evening, but he just says something about how some promises were made to be broken (which, as we learn later on, is also true for fingernails) and so she's forced to spend the rest of the movie trying to get the hell away from her friendly homicidal stalker, to my great and deep pleasure. When this movie first came out here I had decided not to go see it, which I guess proves just how dumb I can be sometimes, because P2 is now officially my new porn! I've been totally into Rachel Nichols ever since I first saw her in Alias, and seeing her running around here in that sexy dress, showing the sort of cleavage you just want to dive into and never ever get out, getting all messy and bloody and wet, has made me happier than a pedo at a public swimming pool on summer break. She may not be the world's greatest actress, but she's got such a lovely face, and her skin is simply exquisite all over, and for some reason unlike most hot chicks she doesn't look at all like a terrible person. Also, killer boobs. My only disappointment with her performance was that even when her white dress got completely wet, it never turned even a little tiny bit see through, at least not where it counts. Oh well. There isn't a whole lot of gore in this movie, but what we do get here is pretty damn awesome and looks completely realistic, maybe even a little too much so in this one scene that is clearly not meant for us dog lovers, unless you're one of those dog lovers who love dogs in the way that meat lovers love meat. And it really is true what they say about how women who try to drive are totally adorable, but what they never tell you is that when they're cuffed and their hands are all slippery with blood their driving somehow gets even more hilarious. Cute! Forever will I be kicking myself for not going to see P2 three years ago, and so I guess the lesson here is that whenever a horror movie is shown here, no matter how lame I think it may be, I should probably go see it anyway, because horror movies are like pizza, which I've heard is sort of like sex. When they're good they're great, and when they're bad they're still pretty damn good.

Rachel Nichols looks pretty good even when she's not green

Yesterday I got the first action figure I've ever ordered online, and it's an adorable Ood, as seen on Doctor Who! Hopefully it will be the first of many, as Base have this really cool buy one get one free sale on a selection of toys. As a common cheap dirty Jew I simply adore the concept of 'buy one get one free'. It's right up there with 'up to 80% off' and 'free 3D glasses included'!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Let my kittens go!

Today I went to see The Book of Eli, a post-apocalyptic movie directed by the Hughes brothers and starring the annoyingly hunky Denzel Washington, the deliciously nasal-voiced Mila Kunis and Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg (also known by his Indian name: Smokes Cigarette with Big Explosion in the Background), and I enjoyed it quite a bit, even though there is not too much originality to it. The first scene was a pretty gigantic turn off for me, though it's very possible that the obnoxious dude with the huge plastic-wrapped meaty sandwich who sat across the aisle from me made it seem worse than it really was. In that scene Denzel Washington, who plays some sort of futuristic black dude with a really bad mid-life crisis, stalks an adorable hairless cat and shoots an arrow into its belly, so he could later share its cooked flesh with a friendly rat and make a chapstick out of the leftovers. Poor, poor little kitty. Pretty good CGI and dead cat puppet though. It really did feel like they actually murdered a cute and defenceless creature in cold blood for the scene. Anyway, about 30 years ago there was some sort of big nuclear war, after which most people forgot how to read and not eat each other, and now our feline butcher here is wandering around this big wasteland that used to be North America, carrying a big leather-bound bible around with him, listening to crap on his aging iPod and kicking major ass whenever a major ass kicking is required. Apparently that doesn't include young chicks who are about to get merrily gang-raped and then probably killed for their meat, because our guy here is a man on a mission, and a gawdly one at that, so he can't let anything distract him from it. One day Eli, I guess that's his name, stumbles into this really crappy little town where people seem to have some water to trade, water being an extremely precious commodity in post-apocalyptic movies, but when he manages to get himself into a really cool bar fight it raises the interest of Gary Oldman, who basically owns the whole town. In order to persuade Eli to work for him, the bad guy tries to set him up with Mila Kunis, whose mom he's currently banging. The Jebus freak manages to keep it in his pants, as I guess futuristic movie heroes are contractually obliged to do, only now the ridiculously attractive little brat wants to tag along as he tries to make it to the west coast while eluding Gary Oldman, who wants Eli's bible for himself, because apparently it's the last bible on the planet, since for some reason people used to be really into that whole book burning thing after the war. The movie is sort of pretty to look at, with everything almost completely desaturated and tinted brown, and the few fight scenes are truly spectacular, with heads and various body parts flying in every direction, but most of it is just painfully familiar. It's fun to watch, even if it is rather slow paced and not all that exciting, but I had expected much more from the guys who made the delightfully evil From Hell. And I hope it's not too big a spoiler, but is there some sort of unwritten movie rule that says that post-apocalyptic films are required to have Malcolm McDowell in a key role? I'm not complaining, because he is pretty awesome after all, I just find it a little odd. The best thing about this movie is that if they ever decide to make a sequel, one that would obviously have to star Mila Kunis, it would be just about the awesomest post-post-apocalyptic movie ever! There is nothing quite as sexually appealing as a really cute chick who can totally kick your ass. If that ever happens, I'd be more than willing to forgive The Book of Eli for each and every one of its flaws.

I want to see Mila Kunis kick butt for Jebus, braless

I've recently watched the two animated Hellboy features, and sadly I wasn't too impressed with either of them, mostly because they look like kids' cartoons, only with much better monsters. The animation sort of reminded me of the old animated Batman show, but what looked impressive on television 20 years ago rarely looks as good today. And speaking of Hellboy-related things that looked better 20 years ago! The lovely Selma Blair is going to turn 38 this year, and according to recent beach photos that wonderful boobless body of hers still looks pretty hot, but her age is starting to show anyway. It's kinda sad, but I guess it's way better than getting a brand new plastic face, like the kind that makes Nicole Kidman look like the pathetic freak that she is.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Why don't you hold onto my thruster for a while?

Today I watched The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, an oddly humorous sci-fi/adventure film from 1984 starring a devilishly handsome Peter Weller, a crazy red-haired and green-teethed John Lithgow, a typically stammering Jeff Goldblum and a whole bunch of cool character actors, and I kinda liked it. Peter Weller plays Buckaroo Banzai, who is a scientist, a test driver, a rock star (or what passed in the '80s for one) and a comic book hero, and also the first person to ever go through a solid mountain and survive the experience more or less successfully. You see, only four percent of solid matter is composed of actual molecules, so there must be loads more stuff in there, and a kindly Japanese dude with dust in his fake mustache and flaky crap all over his face that movie goers used to think was acceptable as fake wrinkles will be happy to explain that that's where you'd find the legendary 8th dimension, assuming you're smart enough and Japanese enough to know how to look. What he had failed to realize was that the 8th dimension is used to imprison these evil, red cockroach-like aliens who were put there by their black cockroach-like opponents for some reason or other. Yeah, for some reason a lot of '80s aliens looked like big ugly cockroaches with otherwise human bodies. I guess it had something to do with AIDS. Most '80s oddities were about that. Back then, if you threw a rock anywhere there'd be like a 90% chance that you'd hit an AIDS-related cultural phenomenon. Anyway. Now that Buckaroo Banzai has tapped into the hidden dimension, crazy Italian scientist John Lithgow, who an electronically induced flashback says is possessed by the leader of the red roaches, breaks out of the insane asylum where he's spent 50 happy years of his life, and tries to free his red brothers and take over the planet or something. And as if that wasn't enough, the black bugs say that if Buckaroo Banzai fails to stop Mr. Lithgow, they'll destroy the Earth themselves, the cheeky bastards! And to make things even worse, poor Buckaroo has to deal with this crazy Ellen Barkin-looking chick who looks suspiciously like some broad he used to bang! Ugh. It's all pretty fun and colorful and bursting with imagination, but if you think it sounds like a lot, like it's almost too much to deal with in just one movie, you're definitely not wrong. And it really doesn't help that the movie was made to feel like one episode in a continuing series, in a way that often makes you feel like you should've known a lot more about these characters before going into it, so a lot of stuff must be going way over your head, even though they've never made any other Buckaroo Banzai movies before or after this one. It's a pretty unusual movie and its cult status is now clearly obvious to me, but to be perfectly honest, at some point I just started to lose interest and didn't really follow the plot as closely as one should. The performances are pretty strong and the special effects are kinda cool, if not terribly good, but I don't think I'm going to want to watch it again any time soon. I like my cult movies like I like my women: raunchy, uncomplicated and made in the '70s.

John Lithgow and his fantastic Virtual Flashback machine

I've been watching quite a bit of Stargate Atlantis on VOD lately, mostly because David Hewlett is like the coolest Canadian living today, so yesterday I watched the original Stargate from 1994 and it was pretty enjoyable, despite the rather lame CGI effects. What bugs me about that sort of movies is how whenever the hero is presented with a native chick who takes her clothes off and offers herself to him, he always does the supposedly gentlemanly thing and turns her down. I mean, I can accept ancient gates the allow you to travel between galaxies, or crazy space aliens that look like gay Middle Eastern teenagers, but a guy who's been spending a long while surrounded by nothing by stinky, hairy dudes and still turns down a perfectly supple pair of extraterrestrial boobs is just a little more fiction than I usually like in my science fiction.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It's the next step in female evolution, and it's got some teeth!

Today I watched Teeth, an indie horror comedy written and directed by Roy Lichtenstein's son, and I liked it so much that I just had to order a copy of my very own as soon as the credits started to roll. The main character is a girl named Dawn who grew up in a house that had a huge nuclear power plant behind it. When she was little and was persuaded by her older step brother to show him hers after having shown her his own, the twisted little pervert got a weird looking cut on his finger. Now she's a fully grown teenager (and a deliciously appealing one at that, despite or perhaps as a result of her being played by an actress in her mid-twenties) and I guess she's really into that whole crazy Jebus thing, because she belongs to a freaky yet rapidly growing cult of young people who wear these little red rings around their fingers as a symbol that they're not going to pork anyone (not even themselves!) until they get hitched. Not only does she wear the ring and attends their boring, endless meetings, she actually acts as one of their head speakers, preaching young ladies to keep their legs together and young men to keep their disgusting little thingies in their pants, but we all know the real reason why she won't let anyone get anywhere near her fragrant little panties. One day she's introduced to a "cute" boy by her ring bearing friends, a clean looking fellow who is a born-again virgin, and what passes for love these days starts blooming between the two. However, we all know what teenage douches who appear to be all nice and sweet are really like on the inside, especially ones who make promises to pretty girls about staying "pure" all the way, and when the dick finally tries to rape precious little Dawn in some creepy cave he receives a rather nasty surprise in the form of what the ancients called vagina dentata, which leads our heroine on a painful yet entertaining journey of self discovery and graphic male mutilation. OMG, what an awesome, awesome movie! Everything about this delightfully creepy little film is absolutely spot on. Jess Weixler is just terrific as sweet and innocent and terrified Dawn, and I do believe she owns one of the cutest sets of breasts I've ever seen in a movie with a script. The others do a pretty good job too, including that Michael Jackson look-alike from Nip/Tuck as Dawn's loser step brother and the various other dudes who try to weasel their way into her most private inner sanctum. We never get to actually see what it is that's going on exactly between Dawn's knees, but there's plenty of gore in here to keep any sicko satisfied, with most of it involving dismembered male members, except one guy who gets all his fingers chopped off after performing one of the creepiest onscreen medical examination I've ever seen. It's quite possible that such a deep manual probing is perfectly normal in your average gynecologist's office, but I found it extremely disturbing, if not in a completely unpleasant way. Then again, I've never had to get my own vagina examined by a stranger, so what the heck do I know. I kept waiting for someone to lose the tip of their tongue and never really got my wish fulfilled, but when the moment did come, sort of, kind of, almost but not quite, it was the most perfect movie moment I could have asked for. The world could really use a lot more films like this one, films that are clever and touching and beautifully disgusting as only a good indie horror comedy can be. Are they ever going to release May on Blu-ray?

Nice areolas, Jess Weixler!

As if women weren't scary enough, now we have to worry about toothy vaginas! Well, not me personally, but you know. I guess it does make a lot of sense as an evolutionary step, because the current design of the human female genitalia is ridiculously unprotected. I know there would be a whole lot of dickless assholes out there if only Jebus' dad had bothered to equip little girls and boys with toothy poop chutes. Hmm. Toothy poop chutes. The Toothy Poop Chutes. That's a pretty good name for a band, isn't it? As soon as I start one I'm going to be a Toothy Poop Chute, and damn proud of it too!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

You're cute, I could just eat you alive!

Today I watched Zombie Strippers, a zombie comedy starring former burn victim Robert Englund and former chick who lets strange dudes stick it to her on camera for cash Jenna Jameson, and I very much enjoyed it, even though on many level it's pure crap, and not always in a good way. In the near future George W. Bush wins a fourth term at the White House (the movie was made before Will Smith took over) which plunges America into a bunch of wars with several Middle Eastern countries and at some point even with Canada, apparently because W. wants to get his grubby little hands on all that delicious maple syrup the mean Mounties have been sitting on all those years. He also makes public nudity illegal, probably in order to gain some sort of control over those two little whores who call him daddy (gawd, I wish I had a little whore who'd call me daddy, preferably one I wouldn't be related to). The problem is, there are way too many wars and not nearly enough American soldiers to fight them. The obvious solution? A genetically engineered virus that turns people into zombies! You shoot down an American soldier in the battlefield and he just shakes the bullets off and keeps going, twice as ugly and unburdened by any of those pesky human distractions like a pulse or a soul! This obviously leads to some sort of breakout, and a special forces dork who got himself infected with the zombie virus ends up at this sleazy and highly illegal strip club that's full of disgusting horny slobs and "hot" chicks with big plastic boobs who look like they'd be happy to pleasure you in a back room for a price while wearing a blank expression on their semen-weary faces and then cry about it in the shared bathroom. After the zombified dork bites the head stripper's throat open she dies and turns into a zombie herself, but the cool thing is that in no way does it stop her from doing her job. On the contrary, as a reanimated corpse she's a better stripper than ever, wilder and sexier and way more bloodthirsty. The slobbering customers can't help but throw all their slimy, crumpled dollar bills at her, even though everybody know how a private lap dance from a zombie usually ends, and now all the other strippers in the joint want some of that sweet zombie virus too, which leads to more onscreen undead stripping and even more fun, gory zombifications! Now, this isn't a good movie in any way, but it's so much fun that you never even begin to care, especially once all that cool gore and various boobs start flying around the screen. The occasional CGI shots usually stink pretty bad, but the practical and makeup effects are absolutely stunning throughout, from the zombie makeup and bite wounds to the more elaborate effects like punching a hole through someone's stomach or ripping some dude's jaw clear off his face, a nasty bit that's always been one of my favorite ways of facial mutilation in horror movies. That's also probably where all the film's budget went to, because in every other way the production values here are pretty bad, which is something I would have probably payed a lot more attention to if they hadn't kept throwing all that naked undead flesh at me. I did manage to notice how the acting, if you insist on calling it that, was ridiculously awful, but, well, you get the point. I just didn't care. It's gory, sleazy and simply loads and loads of fun, and to expect anything more is just plain dumb. To paraphrase something that a wise person has told me once, boobs are like zombies are like cheese. They make everything better.

If you think Jenna Jameson looks scary here, scroll down a little

Jenna Jameson will always be the porn goddess of my teenage years, and it truly saddens me to see what's become of her physically in recent years. Don't get me wrong, she still looks pretty damn hot in Zombie Strippers, giant plastic boobs and giant plastic lips and all, but recent photographic evidence says otherwise. Oh well. We'll always have those legendary multi-angle videos of her from the late '90s, when her talent was at its peak. Those wonderfully ill-compressed gems of early internet porn have gotten me through some pretty difficult times in the past, and I'm sure they'll serve me just as well in the future.

Jenna Jameson's charred remains

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Alien baby caught on camera!

Published here for the first time is a selection of exclusive photos taken in my very own home that depict a rather adorable little Na'vi cub, a young member of the dominant species on the luscious forest moon known as Pandora. The whereabouts of her birth parents and the circumstances surrounding her presence here on Earth still remain unknown, but isn't she just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

In other and completely unrelated news: I saw Avatar today for the fourth time, and it was just as awesome as the first three. It was kind of annoying that even in its eighth week I still had to order my ticket in advance to get a good seat for a 14:40 screening on a weekday, but I'm not going to complain too much about the fact that for almost two months now people here have been willing to get off their fat lazy asses in order to see one of the coolest sci-fi movies of our time. The only thing that creeped me out a little this time was that if the Na'vi use their connector thingies during sexual intercourse, does it mean that there's something sexual about the way they connect with their horses and dragons? Because I've always wondered what it would be like to make love to something that had six legs and wasn't an insect.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Urps prefer blondes

Today I watched Alien Trespass, an independently produced '50s style science fiction comedy directed by someone who produced The X-Files and starring a guy who used to play a poof in a prime time sitcom, the liquid metal robot from T2, Fred Savage's TV dad and a whole bunch of actors I've never seen before and probably never will again, and I've enjoyed it quite a bit, even though I'm not quite sure why it was made in the first place. The movie begins with an extremely cartoony flying saucer whizzing through our solar system until it finally crashes on the outskirts of a typical '50s small town during a meteor shower. Witnesses to the intergalactic fireworks show include some sort of scientist whose "hot" wife has recently bought him a telescope (which for some reason he keeps pointing at the sky and not, say, the neighbors' teenage daughter's room), a couple of horny teenagers in a car parked at the local makeout point, and, off course, the town's drunk, accompanied only by his trusty puppy. When the scientist comes to snoop around the crash site the owner of the flying saucer, who is a metallic space cop of some kind named Urp, takes over his body and sets out to recover his rubbery prisoner, a squid-like monster called a Ghota that renders its victims into nothing but little puddles of slime, before it can multiply and take over the entire planet. It sounds like a lot of fun and it really is, but I wouldn't exactly call it a comedy, mostly because it doesn't really have any actual jokes or anything. It's an extremely amusing film, but almost all the humour in it comes from its outlandish retro '50s style of acting, writing and general filmmaking. All the actors, especially the female ones, do a pretty great job at 'playing' their parts in a way people used to think was acceptable or even desirable over fifty years ago, and the result is something that in a way is quite convincing, even if you do kinda have to squint a little, and especially combined with the beautifully created sets and costumes. The special effects are pretty awesome for what they are, and I found the big rubber monster absolutely hilarious, wishing only that there was a little more variety of goofy rubber creatures from outer space. For some reason they've chosen to use blue screens when filming inside a driving car in place of the traditional technique of rear projection, but the obviously fake look does add an extra layer of cheese to what is essentially a delightfully cheesy piece of cinema. And it even starts with a fake news reel before the opening credits, in which Santa Claus climbs out of a friggin' UFO and makes little girls burst into tears! This movie is obviously a labor of love and it shows in every single frame. It was never made for the general movie going masses, but for true movie geeks who can fully appreciate the simple charms of a good old-fashioned sci-fi tale. Now I just need to watch the original The Blob as soon as possible, because the clips from it that were shown during the theater scenes here gave me a total geek-boner that could definitely use some well deserved relief.

Hey baby, wanna see my one-eyed tentacle monster?

Last week they aired the last ever Dollhouse episode, and I couldn't be more annoyed at how the whole second season was handled and executed. Here's how it went: they started by showing a month-worth of rather boring, filler-type episodes. Next they went on a six week break, during which Fox announced that they were canceling the show once the season was over. Only when the rest of the episodes started airing, it's like it came back as a completely different show. No more fillers, no more crap, these were eight full episodes of pure Dollhouse fun and excitement (plus the post apocalyptic final episode) that made me want to wring some Fox execs' necks in frustration. Who was the retard who decided to show those four episodes first, then go on a break? And how could they possibly cancel the show without having watched the rest of the season first?! And this is from the people who seem to allow the producers of Fringe to give us a season that is composed almost entirely of filler material. Ugh! Everybody in the TV business is a dick. They better not cancel Caprica any time soon, or I may start to get really cranky.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The internet is the future!

Today I finally watched Southland Tales, a sci-fi-ish sort of film written and directed by Richard Kelly and starring too many cool actors to mention (though I'm definitely going to try), and I actually really liked it, even though I can't say I've understood all of it, or even just most of it. Set in the highly futuristic future year 2008 it tells the story of an alternate reality in which a nuclear attack on Texas has started a third world war. As a result, a new surveillance authority called USIDnet was created, which allows the government to monitor everything its citizens say and do and post online using cameras and fingerprint identification devices. It's not all bad though, because it does mean that whenever you go to the bathroom there's a good chance that someone out there is watching you rather intently, which brings up all sorts of exciting and sexy possibilities. This in turn results in the creation of an underground group known as the Neo-Marxist movement that other than having a pretty awful fashion sense also has some pretty crazy and hilarious ways of defying the people in charge, like rigging the next elections using the many severed thumbs they've been collecting for a while now. There's also a pretty big energy crisis, now that America is at war with the people who sit on most of the world's fuel sources, but a creepy European scientist played by the adorable Wallace Shawn seems to have the solution: a gigantic construction operated by the power of the ocean that can transmit energy to virtually any device without the use of any silly wires. Oh, and, the end of the world is also coming pretty soon, and probably quite loudly so. The Rock plays an action movie star who has lost his memory in the desert or something, so now he can't remember that he's married to Mandy Moore. His current girlfriend is some sort of porn star, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who is trying to branch her career out to pretty much anything a slutty blonde can do these days, from recording albums ("teen horniness in not a crime!") and hosting a talk show (that deals with such important issues as teleportation, why she wouldn't do anal and, of course, teen horniness) to selling her own fragrance and co-writing a screenplay about the end of the world. Seann William Scott plays a rather disturbed individual with mirror delay issues who is sent by the Neo-Marxists to pose for some reason as his twin brother, who is a cop that's being held captive by Cheri Oteri (as a comedian who thinks that loud equals funny, a role that probably wasn't too big a stretch for her) and Amy Poehler (as some sort of rapping poet, which is like a regular poet, only slightly more annoying). Miranda Richardson fakes a rather charming southern accent as the evil head of USIDnet who also happens to be Mandy Moore's mom and therefore The Rock's mother-in-law, and she looks pretty awesome surrounded by all those fancy surveillance displays. I definitely wouldn't mind having her watch me go number 2, even though she's in her fifties. Justin Timberlake is not too awful as some kind of ex-soldier and ex-actor with pretty attractive facial scarring who shoots people and deals drugs and narrates movies by Richard Kelly. Let's see, who else? The hilarious Jon Lovitz plays a white haired racist cop, the moderately amusing John Larroquette plays a republican or something, Christopher Lambert plays an arms dealer who operates out of an ice cream truck, Kevin Smith plays a guy with a bushy grey beard, and the creepy and sexy Bai Ling plays a creepy, sexy chick. Everybody is working with everybody and everybody's working against each other and just as promised everything ends with a big bang that in no way sounds like a whimper. I didn't really like Donnie Darko and I kinda liked The Box, but those two are like kids' movies compared to this film. The story doesn't make too much sense, but if you were looking for a coherent and structured plot then you're probably watching the wrong movie. There's an astounding amount of cool stuff in here, from crazy musical numbers to rifts in the very fabric of space and time, enough to keep any fan of weird shit fully satisfied. The only thing this movie could have used was a boob or two, and the complete lack of nudity seems pretty odd when you consider the utter adult nature of it. Oh well. It's a pretty huge miracle that someone has actually payed for this movie to be made, and for obvious reasons it was in fact a miserable failure at the box office, but I'm really glad I got to watch it somehow. Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of Cock Chuggers 2, as it's supposed to be even better than the first one!

My thought exactly

I still can't get those broads out of my mind, the ones who went to The Men Who Stare at Goats just because they wanted to see 'the new George Clooney movie'. That's like the most retarded thing in the world, and something that only people of the female persuasion are capable of. I mean, you'd never see a group of guys go to some crappy romantic comedy just because there's some hot actress in the lead role, now would you? Of course not. What they'd do is, they would wait until a screener copy of the movie was available online, then download the parts of it where the hot chick is wearing a bikini or something and have some pleasant pantsless time in front of them, each in the privacy of his own home. That's the only way to deal with having lusty feelings for movie people that makes any sense, and if you'd rather pay to see a movie that doesn't interest you at all instead then you must be some sort of girl.