Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #32

Anna Paquin, nude
I embrace her in my bed
She doesn't like it.

I watched Straight A's last night. It was okay. Could have used a lot more of that purple thing she was wearing in one of the scenes. Fantastic nipples, is what I'm saying.

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #47

Two girls on the bus
I want to touch Girl A's boob
While Girl B watches

In the image above: two girls. I believe that usually means over three different boobs to choose from!

Haiku of the Day: Found, The Single Most Perfect Human Female on FSM's Green Earth

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XV

Yael Birenbaum
I want to have your babies
By which I mean cats

Perfection incarnate.

So yeah, Jack in the Box are an amazing band and I want Yael Birenbaum to impregnate me with her sweet-scented womanly seed, so that I may give birth to our happy litter of fuzzy little kittens through my belly button.

Haiku of the Day: This Was Just a Reason to Morph Some More Letters

Dearest Kate Bracken
You're the hottest Scottish girl
Since Laura Fraser

Kate Bracken, who plays Alex on Being Human, happens to be one of those rare individuals you could seriously hurt yourself thinking too much about how beautiful they are.

Alternatively, this GIF could be dedicated to the amazing Alexandra "Alex" Breckenridge, whom I haven't seen in anything in a really long time, which sucks 37 different kinds of ass. Now here is a 33fps version just for her.

Animated Haiku of the Day: Is There Anything Sweeter Than a Lena Dunham?

Bonus: a painstakingly animated morphing G!

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

Haiku of the Day: And I Fucking Hate Cigarettes

Smoking girl walked by
I breathed in her exhaled smoke
Cancer erection

Ivana Milicevic and Buffy are Eskimo sisters!

In other news: I'm deeply sorry, Ivana Milicevic. Even at the ripe age of 38 you're still absolutely gorgeous and I really did try to like Banshee, but it just wasn't very good. Other new shows to avoid this season are The Following and Do No Harm. Bleh.

Haiku of the Day: Blood & Chrome is OK, I Guess

A computer screen
Is rarely a projector.
Got it, Hollywood?

Dafuq is that crap all over your face!?

Haiku of the Day: Last Night on the Bus

When you spread your legs,
I can see your underwear.
White was a nice choice.

No, I did not get to see Tracy Spiridakos's undies last night, but I sure wish I could, because she is absolutely gorgeous and if there is one reason to watch Revolution, she is it. Whoever said Greek girls aren't hot was retarded.

Haiku of the Day: I Just Splooged a Rainbow in My Pants

Dear Alison Pill,
Your Twitter ineptitude:
A gift to mankind.

Seriously Ms. Pill, they are positively breathtaking and you have absolutely no reason to ever wear a top again EVER.

If Hell Ever Freezes Over,

...and I actually produce a human offspring, I would start a blog where I would post nothing but photos, videos and audio recordings of all the pee, poop, vomit, flatulence, crying, screaming, sleep deprivation, fighting, anxiety, disappointment, perineal tearing and erectile dysfunction that the child would produce, including all the verbal, emotional and physical abuse that having said child would unavoidably bring on between me and the unfortunate mother. And I would name that blog: We Should've Just Gotten a Cat.

Luckily, there isn't a single human female on the entire planet who is dumb enough to ever want my thingy inside her thingy. Thank gawd for tiny, itsy bitsy miracles.



In other news: this has been Allergic to Coleslaw's 400th post. Thanks for reading and all, but it still doesn't mean that I like you or anything. Now here's a very special bonus haiku:

Four hundred blog posts
And not a single reader
Without a boner.

Congratulations, Anna Faris!!!

Your vagina is now completely ruined.

Yaaaaaaay.

Also, your body will never look like this again. Ever.

Bonus haiku:

What the world needs now

Is another human child

LOL, JK.

Last Night at the Club Above the Record Store

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IX

As usual, no names will be named, in order to protect the innocent (that would be me).

Now close your eyes and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue!

Ooh, what a classy broad.

These are both obviously very pretty ladies, and yet the most amazing experience I've had that night took place after the show, as I was waiting for the bus home. Out of absolutely nowhere came this unimaginably gorgeous young woman and smiled at me! She had long raven black hair, pale skin, red lips, a sharp nose and large dark eyes, and she wore a little black dress. She was basically Morticia Addams, only younger and prettier and much, much sexier. Oh how I wish I could draw her, but my artistic abilities could never do her utter loveliness any justice. When I took my earphones out, she asked me something about the bus in a faint Russian accent, and when I told her that during the summer night buses operate during weekdays as well as the weekend she seemed positively delighted. She then asked me for a cigarette. Never in my entire life had I wanted to be a smoker more. Alas, I find smoking to be grossly icky. After procuring a cancer stick elsewhere, she sat down on the bus bench I was sitting on and just smoked quietly and waited patiently for the bus. At one time during the 30 minute wait she reached with her finger (displaying an attractive shade of blue nail polish) and tapped my arm. I repeat: her finger, on my arm. That's right. She then asked me if I was absolutely sure that the night bus was coming, and discussed the frequency of night buses a little further. When the bus finally got there we both got on, and when it reached my destination I got off it one stop further than my usual stop, just so I could stare at her just a little while longer. The End. Nothing happened, as expected, but yeah, it was easily the most successful verbal interaction I've had with a female human I was attracted to in over eight years (longer than that if you don't count women who were paid to talk to me). Success!


Bonus haiku:

Hot girl at bus stop
I never got to tell you
How much I love you

This is Not an In-depth Analysis of The Dark Knight Rises

This is just a photo of some big-tittied chick The Bat was dumb enough to risk his life for just because he got to bang her that one time. Silly Bat, hoots are for babies! (and for grown men who still think oversized mammary glands hold the key to their happiness.)

They are still rather spectacular, Marion Cotillard!

A slightly more detailed review follows in the form of haikus:

So how was the film?
Just as I had expected
Pretty darn awesome!


Christopher Nolan
You are a fine director
Why so serious?


Bane's not so scary
Couldn't see the bad guy's mouth
Stole Dragonheart's voice


Dear Anne Hathaway
You might want to eat something
You look malnourished


Were I into guys
I would bone Morgan Freeman
And Sir Michael Caine

I am Officially a Dirty Old Man

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part VIII

Last night I went to this little fringe play with the sole purpose of ogling this attractive young actress. Mission: accomplished.

Lovely little boobies, great shiny teeth and the most adorable face one could expect to find on a female human. It does not get much better than this.

Bonus haiku:

Touched peepee again
How could anyone blame me?
She was amazing!

I Couldn't Stop Thinking About Firecrotches the Entire Time

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part VII

This lovely and extremely talented actress grew up in the same town I grew up in, and she's only three years younger than I am, so there's a pretty good chance that she and I have never met when we were kids. Enjoy!

Is that her natural hair color? I DON'T CARE. It's amazing either way.

Bonus haiku:

From second row seat

Saw redhead in underwear

Touched my own peepee

And no one was any the wiser. I'm sneaky that way.

I Find This Extremely Easy to Fap to

Are you as obsessed with this creepy-eyed girl's video as much as I am? Now here is my own version of her cute little song! Mind you, this is a version of this version, not of the original video, which I have tried to watch but failed to do so (I couldn't get past the girl with the weird earrings and dyke haircut). Enjoy this richly animated short clip, and the full lyrics right below it!

If I were your stalker
You'd never be alone
I'd Google up your number
And I'd always call and groan
I wouldn't call it stalking
Just staring right at you
At night, without you knowing
Watching everything you do


Fap, fap, fap, to you


Find out all about your past
Hang cameras in your loo
I don't care about one
I just care about two
I'm your biggest fan
I'd like to smell your shoe
Yeah


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


So tell me that you want me
Don't try to say you don't
I can see your bloodshot eyes
Say you wanna feel my dong
But that's not gonna work
You can hear it in my tone
I can't get it up with girls
Who are made of flesh and bone


S-stalker, stalker
I will be your stalker
I will be your stalker
I WILL BE YOUR STALKER


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Get food in some cans
'Cause you're stuck with me, girl
Spend a decade down here
I'd be calling you my girlfriend, girlfriend
I just made a list
Of our future cats' names
Hannibal, Cujo, Scar and Darth


I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
If I were your stalker.

Haiku of the Day: Black and White Redheads are Still Pretty Amazing

My Kindle and I
We're growing closer as friends
Jacked off to E-ink.

I'm so used to going incognito that I totally forgot clearing your browser history was still a thing. Thank you Kloe Kane!

Haiku of the Day: The Boldest of All Experiments

Dating sites are great
For collecting excuses
For rejecting me

Haiku of the Day: I already miss Community

Dear Alison Brie:
If I thought I might be gay,
Would you sleep with me?

I'm still not going to watch Mad Men though, not even for her