This One is a Lot Like the One From Three Weeks Ago

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVII

Naming names is always a big mistake. See edition XV for more information, if you must.

Three weeks have gone by, and she's still just as amazing. And the jeans shorts and exposed navel didn't hurt either.

As seen in PGISLN XI, only this time she was there just to listen to music, rather than play it.

This one is mostly known for being cute, being able to dress herself and having been born into money.  She also used to be married to some allegedly funny guy who hasn't been even remotely entertaining in over a decade.

Haiku of the Day: Found, The Single Most Perfect Human Female on FSM's Green Earth

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XV

Yael Birenbaum
I want to have your babies
By which I mean cats

Perfection incarnate.

So yeah, Jack in the Box are an amazing band and I want Yael Birenbaum to impregnate me with her sweet-scented womanly seed, so that I may give birth to our happy litter of fuzzy little kittens through my belly button.

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

I Put the Fart in Farty

Enter Cunnilingus Pun Here

Disclaimer: recently someone must have put me on a list of bloggers who write about Israeli indie music, because I've been getting all kinds of messages from publicists to the email address associated with Allergic to Coleslaw. Among them, I have received last week a message regarding an Eatliz show, which included an offer to have my name added to the guest list. It was pretty neat, but it didn't really feel right, seeing as how most of my music-related posts are more about attractive female vocalists than actual music, so I did not take them up on their offer. I was, however, going to attend the show anyway, so I just paid for my own ticket the way a mere mortal would.

So, this week I went to the Eatliz show in Tel-Aviv, which marked the fourth and a half time I've seen them play live, and as expected, it was pretty amazing. I don't really like writing about stuff I don't know much about, and I really don't know much about the technical side of creating and playing rich, beautiful music, but I do know what I like, and I really like Eatliz. The old material is great, the new material is great, and even though I reserve the right to miss Lee Triffon deeply, I couldn't be more pleased with what a fantastic job Sivan Abelson does as lead vocalist, and I can't wait for the new album to come out.

All I wanted for Christmas was for Sivan Abelson to show a little skin at the show, but I guess Santa thought I've been too naughty this year (this photo was taken a few weeks ago). I do, however, believe that she wasn't wearing a bra. So that's something.

Shto?

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Week, Part XII

Being the only person in the room who doesn't speak a word of Russian has sure got its benefits. For example, if someone were to make fun of the creepy loner who came to see the Saint Petersburg-based band all by himself, it wouldn't bother you in the slightest.

And she's even prettier when she's running a 38C fever!

Smack is Whack

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Nine Days Ago, Part XI

Street parties can be pretty fun when the music is both live and cool. Also, it might be worth mentioning that I haven't experienced this much human contact in years, which I guess was sort of nice. foreveralone.jpg

Scary is the new pretty

Yeah, that's me right in front of her. You have that weird dress to thank for hiding all the ugly.

Last Night at the Apoptygma Berzerk Concert

Update: and now there's a photo!

And the Most Awkward Clapping at a Concert award goes to...

Last Night at the Fleischerei Show

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part X

She may not be this chick, but she's still very very pretty and she did a fine job last night as the band's new singer. Congratulation young lady, you now have the Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Keep up the good work!

Also, nice tummy!

Bonus haiku:

Old guy at the club
If you're gonna clap your hands
Please keep to the beat.

Last Night at the Club Above the Record Store

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IX

As usual, no names will be named, in order to protect the innocent (that would be me).

Now close your eyes and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue!

Ooh, what a classy broad.

These are both obviously very pretty ladies, and yet the most amazing experience I've had that night took place after the show, as I was waiting for the bus home. Out of absolutely nowhere came this unimaginably gorgeous young woman and smiled at me! She had long raven black hair, pale skin, red lips, a sharp nose and large dark eyes, and she wore a little black dress. She was basically Morticia Addams, only younger and prettier and much, much sexier. Oh how I wish I could draw her, but my artistic abilities could never do her utter loveliness any justice. When I took my earphones out, she asked me something about the bus in a faint Russian accent, and when I told her that during the summer night buses operate during weekdays as well as the weekend she seemed positively delighted. She then asked me for a cigarette. Never in my entire life had I wanted to be a smoker more. Alas, I find smoking to be grossly icky. After procuring a cancer stick elsewhere, she sat down on the bus bench I was sitting on and just smoked quietly and waited patiently for the bus. At one time during the 30 minute wait she reached with her finger (displaying an attractive shade of blue nail polish) and tapped my arm. I repeat: her finger, on my arm. That's right. She then asked me if I was absolutely sure that the night bus was coming, and discussed the frequency of night buses a little further. When the bus finally got there we both got on, and when it reached my destination I got off it one stop further than my usual stop, just so I could stare at her just a little while longer. The End. Nothing happened, as expected, but yeah, it was easily the most successful verbal interaction I've had with a female human I was attracted to in over eight years (longer than that if you don't count women who were paid to talk to me). Success!


Bonus haiku:

Hot girl at bus stop
I never got to tell you
How much I love you

I Find This Extremely Easy to Fap to

Are you as obsessed with this creepy-eyed girl's video as much as I am? Now here is my own version of her cute little song! Mind you, this is a version of this version, not of the original video, which I have tried to watch but failed to do so (I couldn't get past the girl with the weird earrings and dyke haircut). Enjoy this richly animated short clip, and the full lyrics right below it!

If I were your stalker
You'd never be alone
I'd Google up your number
And I'd always call and groan
I wouldn't call it stalking
Just staring right at you
At night, without you knowing
Watching everything you do


Fap, fap, fap, to you


Find out all about your past
Hang cameras in your loo
I don't care about one
I just care about two
I'm your biggest fan
I'd like to smell your shoe
Yeah


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


So tell me that you want me
Don't try to say you don't
I can see your bloodshot eyes
Say you wanna feel my dong
But that's not gonna work
You can hear it in my tone
I can't get it up with girls
Who are made of flesh and bone


S-stalker, stalker
I will be your stalker
I will be your stalker
I WILL BE YOUR STALKER


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Get food in some cans
'Cause you're stuck with me, girl
Spend a decade down here
I'd be calling you my girlfriend, girlfriend
I just made a list
Of our future cats' names
Hannibal, Cujo, Scar and Darth


I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
If I were your stalker.

Random Hangover Thoughts

1. This week I went to see the musician whose name sounds like Shmemily Carpool perform live in Tel-Aviv, and it was really great and everything, but the fact that she's married kinda ruined it for me, peepee-wise. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to fantasize about how after the show one of the security guards will invite me backstage at her request, where she'll perform several unspeakable acts upon my person using her fun parts, when I know she's got a husband waiting for her at home? Female musicians should not be getting married, at least not while they're still hot.

2. I think that the fact that every time I return home from a concert all my clothes smell like an ashtray is the universe's way of telling me to get my jeans washed more often than once a year.

3. Last booze night I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love (mostly for the lovely Analeigh Tipton), and more than anything it made me think about how completely irrelevant to my life it was. You see, the movie takes place in an alternate universe where bars are filled with nothing but friendly, attractive and available young women, and where the quickest way to a woman's heart is simply to be as honest as possible. I don't know where you live, but in the reality I inhabit the only kind of honesty women are interested in is the kind that gets them exactly what they want.

4. I think I'm basically over Emma Stone. I still think she's gorgeous and everything, but she keeps playing the same character over and over again, and the cute witty chick thing has already gotten pretty darn old.

5. Also, Ryan Gosling? I'm sorry, but I just don't get what the big deal is.

6. Finally, I watched an interview with Alison Brie today, and I am sad to report that she seems far less cute than Annie Edison. Same great boobs though.

13 year old boys aren't the only ones who desperately fap to you in their bedrooms, Analeigh Tipton! 

What's Tiny and Russian and Totally Awesome?

Last night I went to see Zola Jesus perform live in Tel-Aviv and it was just totally great, if a little on the short side. The music, her voice, the scary guy banging the drums, everything was just dead on, but the best thing about the show was when during one of her songs Ms. Danilova left the stage to walk between the huddled masses, where at one point she kinda rubbed up against me, or possibly she was just trying to push me back to get past me. Whatever it was, last night she totally earned her place in the top 5 sexual experiences of my life, pushing that one time I almost made out with Ellen Page in a dream to sixth place. Congratulations.

DEM PITZ

(Photo courtesy of some guy who was there and took it with his fancy camera and put his watermark on the lower right corner. It's way too hot today to take it out, so there it is)


Bonus haiku:

Neighbor having sex
Your girlfriend is really loud
Just finish her off

I should totally tag myself

But there's just no way.

A quote from my post about the Lorena B show and a link, posted on Adi Ulmansky's timeline, photographed from a laptop screen in London, posted on Lorena B's Facebook, and now screencapped and posted here. The End.

See also: I dare you to chop it off from way over there.

Bonus haiku that has nothing to do with this post and is only here because Channel 1 keeps airing this promo that uses a cover of that Robert Palmer song:

Addicted to love

That is you in a nutshell

Might as well face it.

She can chop mine off any day

Last night I went to see Israeli post-dubstep band Lorena B perform live at the Barby in Tel-Aviv, and as expected, it was pretty damn awesome, even though I have absolutely no idea what post-dubstep means. I first saw Lorena B about a year ago, and I liked them so much that I immediately posted a bunch of inappropriate comments about the unspeakable acts I had wished to perform upon their singer's person. A couple of weeks later she made a post on her Facebook about my post, which freaked me out so bad that up until now I haven't allowed myself to see the band live again. Why did I go this time then? Perhaps I've grown a little during the past ten months, or maybe it was simply the fact that the Barby is located only a ten minute bus ride away from me. Whatever the reason may be, the important thing is that I did go to see them last night, and I was thrilled to find that since last March Lorena B has turned from a great little band with an obscene amount of potential into a full-blown musical monster act that produces some of the most exciting and original sounds I've had the pleasure of hearing this side of the Mediterranean. When I heard the first couple of singles from their new EP I was a little worried, because they kind of sounded to me like pretty much everything they play on the British MTV Dance these days, but up-to-date music should not be mistaken for being merely fashionable, and I have no problem admitting that I was completely wrong. Last night was a lot of fun. So, so much fun. I've had so much fun that I didn't even care that it was pretty hard to find anyone over 30 in the club, because once the band started playing it didn't really matter anymore. Lorena B are simply that good.

Thanks a bunch Adi Ulmansky for not pointing at me during the show and saying "look everybody, that fat ugly guy is a big creepy perv!"

And yes, Adi Ulmansky, the band's singer/songwriter, is still totally fucking hot, but that is no reason to be disrespectful, or so I've been told. True, she is absolutely gorgeous, she's unnaturally talented, her stage presence is magnetic and the beautiful sounds that come out of her throat make you feel like she's making sweet, filthy love to the entire club, but there's no way I'm going to make the same mistake again and describe what she made my bikini areas feel like. I may have missed almost all of the video art on the screen behind her, because one would have to be completely dickless in order to look away from her when she's performing on stage, but I'm still not going to tell you what it was that I had to do yesterday before the show in the privacy of my own home in order to avoid any potential awkwardness. Twice. Because that, would be wrong. So wrong.

I'm not going to embed any of Lorena B's videos here, because that's what got me into trouble in the first place, but you can easily find them on YouTube. Look for Waste, ReFeel, Not Enough and UR, or listen to their fantastic cover of Nirvana's Lithium!

Last night was Lorena B's last Israeli show for a long while, since in two weeks they're flying to the UK, and I so I would like to wish them all the luck in the world even though they don't really need it, because with that kind of sound, and that kind of talent, and that kind of singer, there is absolutely no reason for them not to become totally fucking huge.

Also, nice gams!

See also: Crime and Punishment.


(Update: Lorena B and Adi Ulmansky, Y U NO leave me all by my alone on Facebook? All I ever wanted was to be a creepy weirdo by myself and get zero traffic as usual. So lame)

10 Minutes into the Future: How a Dork Gets the Girl

Step 1: Construct a device that hijacks audio from nearby portable music players (or phones, or whatever people listen to music on these days).

Step 2: Go to a place where women sit by themselves and listen to music on earphones (public transportation should work just fine).

Step 3: Find a nice looking woman wearing earphones and sit down in front of her, wearing your earphones, which are plugged into the audio hijacking device.

Step 4:

Step 5: Success!

The Art of Fart

Do not come wiz me to ze Barby - we shall make beautiful musicks togezzer right here!

Last night I went to the first night of the Bonsoir Tel-Aviv French-Israeli music festival at the Barby, and it was pretty damn awesome, despite poor (and often dickish) attendance. First up was Umlala, an Israeli band from Jerusalem that sounds like this:

Pretty great stuff, right? Right. So howcome most of the people at the club, of which there weren't that many for some reason, didn't seem too enthusiastic about it? Too many of them stayed far, far away from the stage, while some of them didn't even bother to stand up! What total and utter dickery. Umlala still gave a fantastic (if short) performance, which left me extremely pleased with that part of the evening.

The main act was Lilly Wood and the Prick, a French band headed by Israeli-born singer Nili Hadida, that sounds like this:

Totally. Fucking. Awesome. At Ms. Hadida's request I moved even closer to the stage (the dicks in the back still kept ignoring her repeated pleadings, until she finally gave up), the closest I have ever been to the stage at the Barby, and it was totally worth it! I didn't know anything about Lilly Wood & the Prick before I read about them coming here, but once I've listened to Down the Drain I was pretty much in love with them. Deep, passionate, sleazy love, the kind of love that makes you cream your pants whenever you think about it even a tiny, tiny bit. Invincible Friends is a pretty great album, and witnessing all those incredible songs performed live was mind blowing. However, what I wasn't prepared for was the fact that in real life, Nili Hadida is just about the cutest thing to ever come out of France since Pepe Le Pew!

Nili Hadida and Benjamin Cotto, aka Lilly Wood & the Prick

The outfit and makeup in the video really didn't do her much justice, because the wildly charismatic (she effortlessly made me clap, sing along and even jump up and down on cue) and freakishly talented performer I was lucky enough to see last night, wearing a simple yet elegant heart pattern dress, was nothing short of adorable. At the end of the night Ms. Hadida invited everyone present to come and see the band again on their future visits to Israel, and in my stupid little heart I promised her to do so unquestionably, and only wished that I could give her a great big hug for making me as happy as she has.

Haiku of the Day: Y U NO WRITE MORE HAIKUS?

(Inspired by the events described here)

The only kind of butcher shop that makes any sense

This week I saw Eatliz play live at the Uptown Music festival in Bat-Yam, and I was so blown away by their sheer awesomeness (I've seen them before, but it was a pretty short performance) that the first thing I did when I got home was to order a ticket for their show on the following evening with Consider the Source. CTS turned out to be pretty great, but once again it was the music of Eatliz that blew my stupid little brain into a million happy little pieces. If I knew anything about music I might have been able to describe it in detail and explain why I absolutely love it, but sadly all I can articulate at this point is that Lee Triffon, their lead singer, is absolutely fucking gorgeous, in addition to being an unnaturally gifted vocalist. For their show at the Barby she wore this partially see-through leotard sort of outfit that did a really nice job at showing the curve of her spectacular rear end, her pointy pointy nipples and the classiest camel toe I have ever had the pleasure to witness this side of the Mediterranean. It's a good thing I've prepared myself for the show by engaging in a brief session of furious fapping to the following photo of her, because otherwise things could have gotten a tiny bit weird.

Lee Triffon and her favorite phallic-shaped object

I've enjoyed the shows so much that the following day I actually ordered a couple of their CDs online. You know, those round shiny thingies that sit sealed in their boxes on your shelf and collect dust while you're listening to your MP3 player. I can't really imagine what I'm actually going to do with them, but hopefully they should alleviate at least some of my guilt for seeing Eatliz twice in the same week for only 60 shekels.


Bonus TMI haiku:

Fapped furiously
Before seeing Lee Triffon
My peepee still hurts.


Update: and how about another one!