Thursday, April 28, 2011

Stab 6 was better

Yesterday I went to see Scream 4, and it was pretty fun, if a little exhausting, which the awesome ending totally made up for. And so, in the spirit of the film, whatever that means, instead of the usual Coleslaw treatment, I'd like to present a rundown of all the ladies of Scream 4, by year of birth, from oldest to youngest. Enjoy!

1. Mary McDonnell. I kinda liked her as the president in Battlestar Galactica, but what she has here is your basic non-role, playing somebody's mom. How unfortunate.

2. Courteney Cox. Old and gross. I cannot believe that I used to think she was hot. Next.

3. Heather Graham. It's amazing what 14 year old archive footage can do for one's complexion.

4. Neve Campbell. She's obviously an extremely handsome woman, despite having recently crossed the 37 years threshold, but I don't think I could ever delete the image of her less-than-great boobs in I Really Hate My Job from my mind. Still, a very pretty lady, whose panties I definitely wouldn't mind sniffing. Or something.

5. Marley Shelton. Two words: Gor-geous. I've been madly in love with her ever since I first saw her in Pleasantville, and it's always saddened me that she never got to become the huge star she so righteously deserves to be. Oh well. She'll always be the star of my ejaculatory dreams.

6, 7. Kristen Bell and Anna Paquin. These two are responsible for what are easily the best two minutes in the whole movie. Ms. Bell is oh so very pretty, and Ms. Paquin's body looked so hot in that tank top that I begged my personal pasta monster to make it June already so I could finally start watching the new season of True Blood.

8. Alison Brie. I first saw her in Community last Booze Night, and while she didn't really look like a teenager, I still thought she was totally cute and pretty. Also, great boobs, and a very nice ass to match.

9. Marielle Jaffe. Her role is that of a generic hot chick, and being attractive enough, in a completely generic sort of way, I guess she's right for the part.

10, 11. Lucy Hale and Shenae Grimes. Ms. Hale is a total cutie pie, but maybe just a little bit too cute for her own good. After all, nobody wants to stick their dick in an adorable little puppy dog. Well, most people don't. I think. I also understand that Ms. Grimes is currently in that 90210 show. Meh.

12. Hayden Panettiere. Pretty nice boobs, but whoever told her she'd look good with short hair is retarded.

13, 14. Aimee Teegarden and Brittany Robertson. Who did they play again?

15. Emma Roberts. Easily the best thing about the actual movie (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell don't really count). I first saw her in It's Kind of a Funny Story (great little movie), and was totally blown away by how cute and pretty and intelligent-looking she was. In fact, she is so unbelievably cute and pretty and she did such a fantastic job in Scream 4 that I'm not going to let myself write or think anything filthy about her at this moment. Not one filthy thing. For now.

Emma Roberts. If loving chicks who are younger than me by over a decade
is wrong, I don't want to be right!

And speaking of attractive young actresses: it wasn't until yesterday that I learned that Taylor Momsen was the cute little girl in How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Which of course means that I am now officially ancient.

Nice boobs though.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Nazi steampunk zombies. Enough said

I have no idea what people are talking about. They've been calling it dumb, they've been calling it incoherent, they've been saying that it's like one long music video and that it gets really boring really fast. And you know what? That's the last time I'm going to pay any amount of attention to what other people say, ever, because today I went to see Sucker Punch for myself, and it was so profoundly awesome that I very nearly pooped my pants, even though my next bathroom appointment wasn't scheduled until tomorrow morning. It was that cool. And no, I didn't think it was stupid at all. It is simply the kind of movie that has its own internal logic, that's all, and that doesn't make it a bad movie, not in the slightest. And yeah, it's very pretty to look at. Emily Browning is totally cute, Abbie Cornish looks totally hot, and even that annoying chick from those dreadfully homosexual Disney musicals isn't too annoying here. And how could anyone not love a movie that has the spectacularly adorable Jena Malone playing a mental patient that plays a hooker that plays an ass-kicking superhero? Stuff like that is completely and hopelessly beyond me. You also get dragons, and robots, and demon samurais, and yeah, even Nazi steampunk zombies! Sure, they're not really Nazis, because they're WWI German steampunk zombies, but you get my point. And the music is pretty great too, even if some of the covers are a little on the obvious side. I really liked Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake, but 300 and Watchmen kind of let me down (no fake monster!!!), which made me suspect that he was nothing more than a one zombie pony, but in my opinion Sucker Punch delivered everything those fantastic trailers promised and so much more. Just please try not to mess up the Superman reboot too much, Mr. Snyder, or you'll be stuck directing owls with Australian accents for the rest of your life. Bottom line: I'm totally going to see Sucker Punch again in the near future, providing it would last more than two weeks at the movies.

Jena Malone in glasses, making a cute face.
I think I just made love to my undies, hands free.

I'm so happy that they decided not to convert Sucker Punch into 3D. I'm sure it would've looked spectacular in 3D, but only if they had actually shot it that way in the first place. Thor is coming out here this Thursday, and I'm already annoyed that I'm going to have to see it in horrible fake 3D. And then there's Captain America. And Green Lantern. Ugh. I hate you, Hollywood. I really do. I hope you get over this sad phase real soon and grow the fuck up. Real 3D is awesome. Fake 3D is the devil. Everybody seems to know that except for you.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Kindly refrain from peeing on the art

Here's how it was supposed to work, back when this piece was first installed at the Tel-Aviv Museum of Art: you slide the door open, and enter a small room. Once you're inside, the door slides shut automatically. Inside the room there's a bench-type thingy where you can sit, and this metal toilet/sink combo. I guess it was supposed to say something insightful about something, but I'm just not bright enough to get stuff like that.

Oooooh!!! I'm bursting!!!

I can't remember the artist's name, but clearly they have very little understanding of human nature in general, and specifically Israeli nature. Naturally, when you put a person in a small, private room with a toilet, they're going to pee in it, even if the toilet isn't really connected to anything. It's in our nature! So yeah, the door doesn't slide shut anymore. They used to place a security person outside the door, to make sure nobody pees in there anyway, but apparently they don't do it anymore, which is why I was able to take this photo, despite the museum's strict no photography policy. I'm pretty sure that if I were quiet enough, I would've been able to go number one in there too. There's nothing quite as exciting as peeing where you shouldn't be peeing, but I guess I'm just too much of a pussy to do anything of that sort indoors.

Bonus art from the sixth biennale of Israeli ceramics at the Eretz Israel Museum, where they're nice enough to let you take all the pictures you want:

A yellow cockroach with blinking eyes!
An adorable mutated baby!
And some nice hookers!

And finally, some bonus art(?) from the flower show in Raanana:

Freaking potatoes!!!

Aww, what a sweet little Dick!

Last week I went to see The Adjustment Bureau, and it was actually pretty entertaining for a Matt Damon movie. Being a huge Philip K. Dick fan, I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel about a romantic little sci-fi movie that's based on one of his short stories, but I ended up liking it quite a bit. See, you've got these strange beings, and they look like '60s dudes, with suits and hats and everything, but really they're some sort of angels or something, whose job is to make sure that everything goes according to plan in the world. Specifically, they have to make sure that Matt Damon and Emily Blunt don't hook up, because apparently, even though they're obviously meant to be together, every time he sticks it to her an angel loses its wings or something. Now, I never really got what the big deal was about Emily Blunt, but her performance in The Adjustment Bureau is just spectacular, and I can now honestly say that if I had to fight the People Upstairs for the right to get into her little British panties, I'd definitely give it a shot. I may not be able to understand what a classy broad like that would see in the poorly animated mannequin that is Matt Damon, but I totally understand why his character would fall madly in love with her after that brief men's room encounter, which tragically isn't nearly as sleazy as it sounds. It could be my medication, or it could simply be Ms. Blunt's rocking body, but surprisingly enough, all that romance didn't make me want to puke even once. I didn't even mind the dancing parts, which just goes to show you that the only way dancing has any value is when a hot chick is the one doing it. What did bother me a little was that for some reason they changed the character of the talking dog from The Adjustment Team, the short story that the movie was based on, into a black dude. Not cool, and pretty damn racist, even if it was a black dog in the story. Man, talking dogs are hilarious. Talking animals are pretty cool in general, except when they're in an American CG animated movie. I saw this fish a couple of weeks ago, and it was totally talking to me. He was all like, holy crap, I'm in a fridge at the supermarket! Why the hell am I in a fridge? This sucks! It kinda creeped me out, so I just walked away. Anyway, my point is, while the short story had much better special effects, The Adjustment Bureau is a pretty interesting and very cute expansion of it. It's no Minority Report, but it's miles and miles above that Ben Affleck/Uma Thurman piece of crap.

Emily's Blunts. Aren't they lovely?

In other news: I've been watching Sliders lately, after not having watched a single episode for over a decade, but now that I'm halfway through the third season and Kari Wührer is a regular, it's getting harder and harder to watch an entire episode from start to finish without pausing to do the happy peepee dance.

Marvel at Kari Wührer, the sexploitation queen of the '90s

They really don't make them this hot anymore. Seriously, if this keeps up I'm going to whittle my pee stick down to a bloody stump. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that in reality she's almost 44. Still hot though, I'm guessing. Damn. My pee stick is doomed.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Good times, good times

Flowchart of a typical online chat, dated 1995-2005:


1. The reason why this period of my life ended around the year 2005 is purely technical, and has absolutely nothing to do with personal growth.

2. Making flowcharts on the computer is fucking boring.

3. I guess I've been spending way too much time on Memebase lately, but if Cyanide and Happiness can use the me gusta guy, then I can use forever alone guy.

Bonus haiku:

Redheaded cam girl,
Your vagina is gorgeous
Don't ever hide it

Monday, April 11, 2011

This is definitely NOT Halloween

Passover is the Jewish holiday when normal people throw out all their old junk in order to make room for all the new junk they'll be collecting during the next twelve months, and when Lumpensammlers such as myself collect that said junk into their own homes, providing it's cool enough. And look at what was waiting just for me on the sidewalk last week!

A perfectly nice Nightmare Before Christmas wallet!

Sure, it was kinda filthy when I found it, but after a good scrub it is now practically good as new. Also, after I've noticed that it's too long to fit in my back pocket, it was pointed out to me that it's actually a woman's wallet. I still like it though. So, if you're a Russian emo girl who thinks TNBC is cool even though you've never actually watched it and you live around Hertzog street and would like to have your wallet back, well, then, tough luck, because it's all mine now!

I also have little Jacks on my key ring!

Bonus haiku:

Young girl at the mall,
You have more hairs on your lip
Than I on my head.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Farewell, Cuddles

A couple of days ago I went to see The Roommate, in which the lovely Leighton Meester plays a deeply disturbed and thoroughly creepy young lady who will do anything to have one single friend, so really, how could I possibly not love it? I mean, sure, maybe they went a tiny bit overboard with how a certain little kitty cat finds her unfortunate, untimely demise, but I thought Ms. Meester did a fantastic job here and I totally bought her portrayal of an adorable yet seriously chemically imbalanced chick who dabbles in threats, extortion, naval mutilation, stabbing, arson and girl-on-girl action in the name of true friendship. Now, I have absolutely no idea how a non-creepy person would feel about a character like that, but I have to admit that I totally and wholeheartedly got her. What's so bad about wanting to virtually own another person, physically and emotionally, and then going apeshit whenever somebody else looks funny at them? I know that if I had access to Leighton Meester, I would probably lose myself in the situation in a similar way, which in my case might mean keeping her tied up naked to a metal chair in a dark basement for 20 years. A seatless metal chair.You know. For pooping. And maybe some other stuff too. Yeah. I guess my point is, Leighton Meester totally makes out with this other chick in The Roommate, so it's an easy 10/10. Highly recommended. Especially if you have a penis.

Oh Leighton, why can't I find your sex tape anywhere?

In other news, a couple of Booze Nights ago I watched Morning Glory, and I guess it was sort of okay for a Booze Night, if a little on the yawn-ish side, but the best thing about it was Rachel McAdams' ass. I was never a huge fan of hers, but, damn. Fantastic ass. Easily one of the top ten Canadian asses on my list. Good for her.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Please, not again

Earlier this week I went to see Source Code, but I don't really have much to say about it, and I'd probably just end up putting a pretty photo of Michelle Monaghan here with something filthy for a caption, and I'm a tiny bit sick of that sort of stuff. Kind of. A little. Well, not really. I just thought Source Code was a big meh of a film, and I don't feel too strongly about it one way or the other, so, you know. Um. Yeah. Sigh. Oh, very well:

Michelle Monaghan probably has a vagina!

Yeah. It may not be my finest work, but I guess it just wasn't a very inspiring movie. The best I can do at this time is offer this poor excuse for a bonus haiku. Enjoy!

Michelle Monaghan,
You're way too cute and pretty
For Jake Gyllenhaal.


Last week I won a free ticket to David Cronenberg's eXistenZ at the Holon cinematheque, and I couldn't possibly be happier about it! I absolutely love eXistenZ. I adore it. It's one of my favorite movies EVER, and watching such a beautiful film print of it on the nice, big screen they have there was such a wonderful, joyous experience for me. It's such a tragedy that ever since the '90s ended Cronenberg only makes regular movies, the kind that don't have any rubber monsters in them. I mean, seriously, gangsters? Who the hell gives a shit about gangsters, especially when you can have giant insects that ejaculate psychotropic drugs instead? Or gun carrying stomach vaginas? Or people who stick their tongues into the bases of other people's spines? Man, if I had a bio-port on my ass I would stick stuff up there all day long and spend the rest of my life in a game reality that's basically one continuous intimate moment with Jennifer Jason Leigh circa 1998. Oh yeah. An intimate butt moment.

I wish I was a game pod grown from amphibian genetic material

The screening of eXistenZ was part of this little digital culture convention they held at the cinematheque last weekend, so before the movie they had five short lectures about reality, existence and technology, which were actually pretty interesting. When this one doctor lady talked about how the online world is so immerssive that some people who are as old as the people in the audience have such little interest in the real world that they are still virgins, in no way did my face turn as bright red as Little Benny did when Jude Law and Ms. Leigh were lubing up each other's bio-ports. There was also this totally hot lady there, who I think is the director of the cinematheque, and she kept taking photos of everything. And so, I found these two on Facebook:

Faceless Ben is listening intently,
while desperately trying to find something to do with his hands

Finally, here is a bonus haiku just for you, pretty cinematheque lady:

Women with glasses
Look smart and geeky and hot
Even if they're not.