Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Day in Haifa, Part IV: Gross Pickled Animals

A baby cow with two heads!

Some sort of bird with four feet!


More baby cow with two heads!

Some baby pigs!

Siamese baby rabbits?

Even more baby cow with two heads!


A baby sheep with two faces!

Kids sure love two-headed baby cows!



Human babies make the funniest pickles!

And a creepy stuffed monkey!!!

A Day in Haifa, Part III: a Bear Playing with a Big Piece of Dead Meat

A Day in Haifa, Part II: Cute Zoo Animals

A Day in Haifa, Part I: The Carmelit

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Why are you all wet, baby?

Earlier this week I went to see Shutter Island, directed by Martin Scorsese and starring a circus freak who likes to draw fat guys with no clothes on and bang dumb Israeli broads until their ears start to bleed, and I actually really liked it. Leonardo DiCaprio plays some sort of cop or something who enjoys spraying his deep pink puke all over already filthy toilet bowls, which I guess is how he manages to maintain his blubbery girlish figure, and that's exactly how he chooses to spend his time on the boat ride to Shutter Island, home to a charmingly creepy hospital for the criminally insane, which back in 1954 meant anyone who didn't think that everybody else was a goddamn Commie. The official story is that he's there to investigate the disappearance of one of the patients, some crazy dame who one day got fed up with her three little brats and decided that they'll be better off sleeping with the fishies, from her thoroughly locked room. However, the real reason why he was so desperate to take the case was because the weirdo who set the fire in which Leo's wife burned to a crisp is supposed to still be somewhere on the island, after he'd disappeared from the hospital a couple of years ago. Leo and his dago partner begin their investigation of both the staff and the hospital patients, but everybody seems to be on their utmost creepiest behaviour and none of them are particularly helpful. Things get even worse when a terrible yet awesome thunder storm causes a major power failure, which means all the patients get loose and start running around the Island, screaming and yelling and humping innocent mailboxes to a stupor. Amidst all the confusion, in the darkest corner of the most disgusting cell in the most dangerous ward on the island, he finds the guy who first told him about the secret government experiments that are being conducted in the supposedly abandoned creepy lighthouse, now a mere beaten down shell of his former self who manages to confuse him even further by suggesting that all of Leo's experiences on the island have been staged especially for him. How did the patient escape from her locked room? Why is everybody acting so goddamn weird? Who's lying here, and more importantly, who isn't? And why did the director choose to include so many poorly composited CGI shots? Watch for the pleasantly predictable twist near the ending and find out, or not. Now, I've never seen any of Martin Scorsese's films in the past, and I have absolutely no interest in watching any of his previous ones in the future, but I did find Shutter Island to be an extremely enjoyable '50s B-movie type of film. It's dark and violent and fun, and have I mentioned the word creepy? Yeah, there's tons of that too. I'm not quite sure why Leonardo DiCaprio keeps getting acting work though. Sure, he used to be beautiful as a teenager, but as an adult his face looks completely misshapen, in a way that's almost painful to look at. That being said, I guess he's not too awful here, acting wise, so I'll let it slide just this once. Shutter Island was based on a novel written by some guy who wrote another book about a bunch of kids who get molested up the butt or something that also got made into a movie, but I still really want to read it. Thank gawd for that online bookstore that was named after the sort of book you would stick up your poop chute, because there are very few phrases I like more these days than 'free worldwide delivery'.

If I ever get a chance to lock Emily Mortimer in
a small room I'm gonna do a so much better job

Last week I went to see The Lovely Bones, and I can't say I liked it too much. Some of the effects shots were pretty damn cool, but as much as I enjoy watching teenage girls get attacked by men with creepy facial hair, the whole thing just didn't add up to much. And Marky Mark was just awful as the dad, awful, awful, awful. Whoever gave him the job was either retarded or really into guys with superfluous nipples. At least I had some yummy Rachel Weisz to look at some of the time. I expected much more from Peter Jackson, and I guess that's something I just shouldn't do anymore. Oh well. At least I have Meet the Feebles on DVD now. Awesome.

Did you know that Rachel Weisz doesn't have any nipples?

I've recently finished watching Titan Maximum, the latest endeavour by the creators of Robot Chicken, which for some reason took me forever to watch, and I've obviously enjoyed it quite a bit. Some day I'm going to watch all nine 10-minute episodes back to back, and hopefully it would have an even greater impact. Still, I can't help wondering about that sexy little Sasha chick. Like, what is her puppet made of? And is it water resistant? How about other kinds of liquids? Because, you know, that is definitely one doll I would not mind partying with, if you know what I mean, and I honestly hope you don't.

Sasha. Plastic boobies are totally hot!

And these are my new CI-Boys, Wrath and Gluttony! Aren't the adorable?

You piss me off,

prepare to be eaten alive!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

When you've been alone long enough, nothing seems real

Yesterday I went to see Phobidilia, an Israeli film directed by the Paz brothers and based on a book by the same name, and surprisingly enough I actually really liked it. The main character is this nameless dude who lives by himself in a crappy little rented apartment which he never ever leaves. He works from home, he gets all the supplies he needs delivered right to his doorstep, he has a nice little garden of his very own, he gets all the entertainment he could ever want on his silly looking CRT TV and all the lovely pornography he could ever require on his computer. In short, he has my idea of a perfect life, including the right brand of psychological disorder to keep him indoors at all times. The problems begin when the owner of the apartment decides to sell it, which means that pretty soon no-name here is going to have to move out, something he is simply not capable of doing. The kindly old realtor guy is being pretty cool about it, allowing him a month or two or three to make all the necessary arrangements while he's bringing in potential buyers to see the apartment, but there's just no way. Who is the mysterious apartment owner, whom no one has seen for years, and why does he want to kick the poor guy out? Is Jessica, his gorgeous internet porn girlfriend, a real live person? And will he ever make her do more for him than just question the nature of her own reality as he's spanking his little monkey? And howcome the people meter chick seems to be so interested in him, to the point of literally throwing herself at him? Watching this movie isn't going to give you many answers, but I guess that's half the fun in something like this. Unlike most Israeli movies, you won't find anything about wars here, or Arabs, or dysfunctional suburban families, or any other kind of painfully boring realism. This is a story that could easily take place anywhere on the planet. Phobidilia is the Paz brothers' first feature film, and though it may not be perfect, it shows loads and loads of potential. Working with the tiniest of budgets, the brothers have managed to produce a work of cinema that doesn't look like anything that was ever produced in this part of the world, with the kind of photography, production design and soundtrack you'd expect to find in much bigger films. The weakest part of the whole production is the acting, but I guess that's a given in an Israeli movie, as Israelis make the worst actors. Ofer Shechter, some sort of local TV douche, is actually not all that bad in the leading role, but I've read somewhere that the only reason he lost all that weight before shooting this film is because Christian Bale did the same thing for The Machinist, and that's just plain pathetic. The realtor guy acts like he's performing in a play in the '60s, while the unattractive actress who plays the loser magnet people meter chick manages to do an awful job in a completely modern way, though I was rather pleased to find out that she actually has a pretty nice butt, if not a terribly small one. The best performance here is by Efrat Dor, who plays Jessica, the cute and bubbly American webcam chick. Now, I can't be completely sure of this, as I was kinda drunk when I came into the theater, but I do believe that during the first few minutes of the film I saw her taking her top off and revealing one of the most magnificent sets of breasts I have ever seen in any Israeli production. Once again, I think it has something to do with the stubbornly realistic nature of most Israeli movies, and also with how in the world of movie boobs realistic usually means plain. And her fake American accent isn't too bad either, especially in a film with plenty of bad ones, most of which come from the silly looking TV set. The fact that all the various shows our guy watches on his tiny screen, which range from cooking shows and talk shows to news casts and sci-fi and horror movies, were created especially for this purpose, and in English no less, shows just what a labor of love this movie is. I think I've read somewhere that the Paz brothers' next project is going to be in television, and I think that's bullcrap, because I want more of that good stuff on the big screen, and the sooner the better.

Efrat Dor may or may not have spectacular hoots

As I was walking back home from the theater through the dark empty streets of the city, listening to the new Gorillaz album on my MP3 player and still gently buzzed, I realized that I really do need to do something with my life, because this can't last for much longer. I need to grow up and wise up, get my priorities in order, save up some money like a normal human male and finally get myself into a steady relationship with a reasonably priced webcam porn chick with an OK face, a fairly attractive set of tits and an acceptable vagina. And maybe then I could finally be happy.

And this in my new Dark Void figurine!