BANG!

Can't tell if trolling or an actual fan of Bibi.

Shot yesterday in Jerusalem.

Yes, during the Shabbat. Take that, random dick!

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

No Real Cows were Blown Up During the Making of this Movie

This week I went to see the 102 minute long Costco commercial known as The Watch, and I had a really nice time. It's exactly what one would expect from an R-rated comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, only with an ever higher dosage of dick jokes and a bunch of scary aliens running around and skinning people! Mind you, I did ingest a healthy amount of the movie-enhancing substance commonly known as Tuborg Red while watching the film, so scenes projected on the screen may have appeared funnier than they actually were, but that doesn't make my viewing experience any less fun. That is all.

Jessica Stroup may not have anything to do with The Watch, but she is still amazing and I want to bear her beautiful children in my big fat belly.

The Smartest Thing I've Ever Done EVER

Over the last few years, probably due to the excessive frequency of Booze Nights I've been throwing, I have completely lost the ability to enjoy silly movies while sober. Unfortunate, but unavoidable. So when Seth MacFarlane's Ted came out here, I was faced with two options: I could either go see the movie and not enjoy it that much, or I could wait for it to come out on Blu-ray and then watch it at home. Luckily, I'm a pathetic, hopeless loser who doesn't really mind getting drunk by himself in a theater full of teenagers at 3 in the afternoon, so I just purchased a bunch of overpriced beers at the supermarket as Ayalon mall and brought them with me into the theater. It wasn't the first time I got drunk at the movies (Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter comes to mind), but it was definitely the most successful one. How was the movie, then? Pretty good! I can't say I remember much of it other than that the bear sounded exactly like Peter Griffin, but I do remember having an amazing time. Thank you Yes Planet for allowing moviegoers to bring in outside food, and thank you Seth MacFarlane for practically forcing me to have this experience!

Superfluous nipples are HILARIOUS.

Feel Free to Drop an F-Bomb, Late '70s Mad Magazine

Mad Magazine, January 1978. I recently picked up my copy at this cute little used bookstore in Tel-Aviv. Apparently even back then everybody knew that C3PO preferred boy-bots (and that R2D2 was a gay bashing asshole).

Needs More Booze

Yesterday I went to see The Dictator, and while it wasn't bad or anything (although it was much more like the Ali G movie than Borat or Brüno, which isn't a good thing), it did remind me why I almost never watch comedies sober anymore. I imagine that with the right amount of booze in my system I would've found it pretty hilarious, but since Yes Planet doesn't really offer any at the snack bar, it just didn't have any serious effect on me. And the moral of the story is: next time you feel a need to see a comedy at the movies, get yourself a nice flask (preferably one with a picture of a dinosaur on it) and fill it up with cheap arak. That is all.

Oh, and Anna Faris looks really cute with short dark hair and hairy pits

Best Horror Appearance 2012: Gary Busey's Teeth

This week I went to see Piranha 3DD, and it was actually very entertaining, especially after watching 2010's Piranha 3D, which I didn't like one bit (eww 3D conversions). The premise is basically the same, only with a water park full of plastic-boobed strippers instead of a beach full of horny college kids, but everything works much better this time around. The script is funnier, the gore is much more interesting and uses a lot more practical, rubber fish and not just CGI (that's a good thing), David Hasselhoff's manly manboobs are deeply impressive and best of all, I finally got to see the beautiful Danielle Panabaker in her undies AND wearing a tiny little bikini top in glorious native 3D! I don't think Piranha 3DD is going to win any Oscars (like anyone even cares about them anymore), but it's a really fun and gory 83 minutes, Danielle Panabaker is absolutely gorgeous and thanks to the Hoff the ending is just hilarious, so unless there's a toothy fish nibbling on your genitalia at the moment, I see no reason for you not to get off your lazy ass and go see it right now!

I think the rule is, if she was born in the '80s, it isn't THAT creepy

Agent B. Approves (Elfman Double Feature Part II)

Yesterday I went to see Men in Black 3, and surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty good! I've always loved the original Men in Black (despite my deep, burning hatred for everything that is Will Smith), but the 2002 sequel was a huge letdown (I think the script went something like: "Here's a weird looking alien, here's another weird looking alien, and hey look, over there we've got another weird looking alien. The End") so I was more than a little suspicious this time around, which is why I couldn't be happier to find the new movie deliciously delightful and just so, so much fun! I mean, who would have thought that transporting a gentleman of darker complexion with an attitude problem into the 1960s would actually be a good idea! If I thought '90s aliens were awesome then the '60s variety totally blew my mind, and you also get Andy Warhol played by a generic SNL comedian AND the profoundly hilarious Jemaine Clement (whose baby I definitely wouldn't mind having) as a big scary one-armed time-traveling space alien! I also found it pretty funny that in a sci-fi comedy about time travel, the only thing that didn't make sense to me was how a smoking hot piece of ass like the unnaturally lovely Alice Eve turns into Emma Thompson in only 40 years' time, because we all know what Mrs. Thompson looked like when she was younger, and she was never that hot, or even at all. Which is a little weird, but also says a lot about the quality of the script, written by some Jewish guy I've never heard of whose writing credits include Madagascar 2. Yeah. Hopefully they'll hire him once again to write MIB4: Black Suits on the Grassy Knoll, in which we'll finally learn who fake-assassinated America's first Alpha-Centauri-Catholic president and why there were no evidence of his long fluffy double-ended tail at the scene of the supposed crime.

Alice Eve desperately wants you to look up her nude scenes from Crossing Over and fap to them like the diseased, sex starved chimps that you know you are

And guess what! I got to see the movie in spectacular, jaw-dropping 2D! Thank you Yes Planet for not making my eyes bleed from the awful fake 3D!

Hottest. Werewolf. EVER. (Elfman Double Feature Part I)

This week I went to see Dark Shadows, and it was easily the most fun I've had at a Tim Burton film since 1999! Sure, it's kinda dumb and utterly forgettable, the script is a huge mess, Jonny Lee Miller is tragically underused and Eva Green is just plain gross (which brings to mind the Fellatio Theorem), but the whole vampires and witches and ghosts aspect was thoroughly entertaining, Bella Heathcote is oh so very pretty, Chloë Moretz is seriously creepy as a surprisingly luscious and frightfully illegal teenage girl, the soundtrack is loaded with neat '70s songs (which was a nice addition to the usual Danny Elfman poomlah-poomlah-poomlah routine), and yeah, the whole movie is basically one big goofy cheese ball chock full of silly horror soap goodness. The biggest problem I had with Dark Shadows was that it's just a movie and not a two-hour pilot episode for a new television remake of the original show, because I would definitely watch the poop out of something like that.

The Australians are coming - better hide the women and children.

Also: the sexiest werewolf chick I have ever, ever seen. And that includes Katharine Isabelle in Ginger Snaps, Julie Delpy in American Werewolf in Paris, Judy Greer in Cursed and even Meghan Ory in Once Upon a Time.

I'm Super. Thanks for Asking!

Yesterday I went to see Chronicle, and it was really really good and interesting and exciting and pretty much everything you could ask for in a found footage superpowers movie, but as a realistic superhero film it does suffer from one basic flaw: it isn't Super. Because after watching Super the previous night, everything else simply pales in comparison.

Technically, it could have been the combination of cold medicine, cough syrup, tequila and sage tea I was on at the time that made me feel this way, but I'm pretty sure the movie has spoken to me in a profoundly personal way, and what it said was this: even if you're the kind of person who compares to the rest of the world the way Rainn Wilson compares to most Hollywood actors, you can still get a few brief moments of happiness during your lifetime, and even though these moments are most likely to be closer to petting a bunny rather than to banging women who look like Liv Tyler, it should be enough to sustain you for most of your life. The three other things the movie has taught me are as follows:

1. Super features the greatest rape scene in the history of filmmaking, and quite possibly in the history of rape. It has to be seen to be believed.
2. Ellen Page is without a doubt the perfect human female specimen, and I would happily give my left arm for a chance to smell her skin for just a fraction of a second. And if the Interweb is right and she really does prefer girls, well, that only makes her even more awesome, because we all know how deeply messed up women who are attracted to men are. I mean, seriously, what sort of person in their right mind could ever think that penises are even remotely passable as sexual organs? The mind literally boggles.
3. I need a pet bunny.

Dear Ellen Page, do you think I could maybe one day spend the night in your bedroom and watch you sleep? I promise I'll be super quiet and that you won't hear a peep! Well, maybe just one soft little SPLAT on your wall when I'm done.

Dear Clea DuVall, I've been desperately in love with you since The Faculty, so next time you have your tongue up Ms. Page and you want to record the event on video, please keep in mind that I actually happen to be pretty handy with a Flip Cam.

The Darkest Hour and a Half

In a world where most commercial 3D projection systems are based on a single projector setup, which decreases image brightness by 50%, filming a movie called The Darkest Hour in 3D isn't exactly the brightest idea in the world. Today I went to see it, and even though this lighthearted tale of alien invasion deep within the Russian wilderness does feature a very cool way to kill off filthy humans, it is most underwhelming in every other respect. The good news is that in anticipation of going to see it, last night I had a dream in which I joined the four guys of The Big Bang Theory in the task of designing our very own homemade 3D projection system, and it was by far the most entertaining dream I've had lately that did not involve urination. And you know who's really hot in that show? The lovely Melissa Rauch, who plays Bernadett! She's Jewish and funny and totally cute and only a month younger than me, and so I would like to take the opportunity to award her this month's Official Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Congratulations, Ms. Rauch! You may now ask my mom for my very manly hand in holy matrimony.

I DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bonus haiku:

Dear Melissa Rauch
You have way too many teeth
Or so it would seem

My Kingdom for an Amy Adams Muppet!

This week I went to see the new Muppets movie, and it was actually pretty great, because even though it was produced by stupid Disney the Muppets still kick all kinds of ass. Here are a few points I'd like to make:

• Amy Adams was born in August 1974, which makes her 37 years old, and six years older than Jason Segel. Despite this fact, and despite the fact that last year she pushed an entire person out of her pee hole, she still looks totally amazing in The Muppets. Good for her. I have always had a thing for Miss Piggy, and Ms. Adams looks almost exactly like her, if she were human and hot and not a felt puppet. They are also very much alike in the way that I would absolutely love to stick my hand up both of their backsides. I just hope Ms. Adams manages to keep her youthful looks until they finish shooting Man of Steel, otherwise Supes is going to end up banging an old lady.
• I really enjoyed all the celebrity flesh-puppets cameos in the movie, which are just too many to mention, except for three of them, who happen to appear in the same short scene. These include an obese child, a lesbian teenager, and a Whoopi Goldberg. The movie would have been much better without their presence.
• There's a Muppets tribute band in the movie called The Moopets, which is made up of badass lookalikes of several Muppets characters. If they ever make a Moopets movie I'd totally pay to see it, because they look like they could put on much less kid-friendly show than the original cast, and that's a pretty big advantage over them.
• I didn't have to read the movie's end credits to know that Bret McKenzie (of Flights of the Conchords fame) had something to do with it. It is just that awesomely obvious.
• Most of the movie revolves around how the Muppets have to raise $10,000,000 in order to save their old theater. What bugged me was that very early on in the film we find out that Kermit the Frog lives all by himself in a FUCKING MANSION. It would have been a whole lot easier on everyone involved if he just sold his house and moved into someplace smaller, a place more fitting to his small stature and allegedly humble demeanor.
• The worst thing about the movie? There's a fucking Pixar short before it starts, one that features talking toys! Watching this agonizing piece of CG animated cow poop only reminded me how much I loathe Pixar and everything that it stands for. Seriously Pixar, either you start making movies for people over the age of nine, or go suck on a rusty nail drenched in syphilized vaginal blood.

I'm guessing one would need some sort of X-ray vision to see if these babies would still be this nice and perky in Man of Steel

In other news: whoever thinks that Jennifer Aniston is the sexiest woman of ALL TIME (that means you, Men's Health Magazine) needs to get their stupid head examined, because even back in 1994 she was just an okay looking girl with nice boobs and an unfortunate butter face.

Pavlov's Couch Potato

History

Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

OMG CHAVS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part IV: Finally, last Tuesday I went to see Attack the Block, and it was actually very entertaining! Good alien invasion stories are always fun to watch, and even though the monsters-alien-thingies had a low budget sort of look (they were basically dudes in big hairy suits with only minimal digital enhancements), they still looked pretty damn cool. There wasn't a huge amount of gore, but what I did get was pretty fantastic, and it's going to take me quite a while to forget the image of this tough looking drug lord getting his face torn off by a bunch of crazy ass space gorillas with huge glow-in-the-dark teeth. Also, this movie if one of very few films that made me glad that they put subtitles on movies here, because some of those kids' accents were just plain indecipherable. Attack the Block is a very fun little movie, but the main thing I took from it was this: any male who is heartless enough to mug someone as adorable as Jodie Whittaker at knifepoint is pure fucking evil and deserves to burn in doggy hell for all eternity along with anyone else who was ever cruel to something cute and small.

I want Jodie Whittaker to stitch up all my genital wounds

In other news: Sukot is the Jewish holiday on which dorky Jews from all over the land come together and hang around the Tel-Aviv cinematheque for seven days filled with geeky movies, geeky books, various types of roleplay (the geeky kinds, not the ones that end with intercourse) and many other dorky activities. Today I visited both Icon festivals (not to watch anything, just to look around), and as predicted, they both made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I did however get to talk to this totally cute redhead (and by 'talk' I mean motion yes and no with my head) who tried to get me to join some sort of club for people who like reading science fiction but can't or won't read English. For obvious reasons I had to respectfully declined the offer (using the art form of mumbling), but the good news is that I now have plenty of new fapping material that should keep me occupied for at least a couple of weeks. I am indeed the very essence of smooth.


Bonus love haiku:

Weird girl on the bus
I'm sorry for the staring
I just want your vag.

Under-the-Bridge Weddings are so Romantic!

Last night I watched Bridesmaids, because that's that kind of movie I like to watch when I'm heavily drunk at one in the morning, and I guess it was sort of entertaining, but parts of it were just too painful to watch, mainly because Maya Rudolph is so unnaturally unattractive that I literally had to avert my eyes from the screen whenever that face of hers appeared on it. Sometimes HD just isn't worth the risk. Seriously, why does she keep getting work?! You know, just because a person is hideously fugly it doesn't necessarily make them funny. And Black-Jewish couples usually have pretty nice looking kids, so what the hell went wrong here? I still can't believe that she had sex with Paul Thomas Anderson on at least three separate occasions. Didn't he used to like stick it to Fiona Apple? How do you go from such a gorgeous piece of ass to such an unfortunate train wreck? Oh well. At least I got to see the lovely Ellie Kemper play some sort of tragically white chick, even though she was seriously underused. I guess it's time to look up her old blowjob video on youtube again!

Maya Rudolph in Bridesmaids, showing off her fabulous engagement ring!

Update: Well, I guess I'm retarded. The answer was right in front of me the entire time! As in most cases of unattractive, untalented people who are able to maintain successful careers in show business, Ms. Rudolph is probably just really really good at giving head. Personally, I would much rather choke my pathetic little chicken by myself for the rest of my life than let Salacious B. Crumb have its way with it.

The other kind of Photoshop crime

Dear Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie,

I love you both with a deep, everlasting passion, I love you more than life itself, I love you like I love the hummus at Aba Gil (especially you, Ms. Brie), and so I would like to make this official, sincere apology for what I have done here, but as soon as I saw that GQ Women of Community photo shoot I knew that I would never be able to stop myself.

I'm so sorry.

Humbly yours,
Ben.


Before
The original photo:

A Closer Look
Alison Brie's chest:

Gillian Jacobs' chest:

Ms. Brie's somewhat hairy forearm (she is half-Jewish after all):

After
All nice and shopped (click for a better view of the smooth, unblemished goodness):

P.S.
I have a problem, I know I do, and I promise to get help just as soon as I find a new psychologist who isn't too expensive and doesn't make me want to punch them in the mouth.

Jesus loves hairy Jewish girls

Last night I went to see Sarah Silverman (who's turning 41 this year but could still easily pass for 28, especially with that neck) perform live at the Wohl amphitheatre in Tel-Aviv, and here is a list of some of the things I got to see her do:

1. She pretended to gag on her father's cum.
2. She said the word 'pussy' over and over and over again.
3. She masturbated her pretend-penis into her fist.
4. She sang the word 'cunt' over and over and over again.
5. She masturbated her pretend-vagina (though I'm pretty sure she has a real one tucked in somewhere) in two completely different styles.
6. She confessed to having passionate relations with Mr. Shimon Peres, the president of Israel.
7. She told a disgruntled museum employee that he should kill himself.
8. She asked a cute big-nosed redhead if she's getting raped.
9. She made fun of some poor homosexual's ridiculously fake British accent.

So yeah, even though you spent about half the show on a pointless Q&A session with the audience that did very little more than show our American guests just how unfortunately retarded Israelis can be, and even though you used to let Jimmy Kimmel stick it to you on a regular basis, thank you Sarah for a lovely evening, and way to earn your place on my Facebook list of people who inspire me to do the happy peepee dance.

And you wouldn't believe the sort of stuff she did with that mic

In other news: there was this really hot bikini photo of Bar Paly in the weekend paper, so naturally I had to look up some more online, where I found out that she had a small role in The Ruins, and so I was forced to watch the movie again, the first time I have since I've read the book. I really hope that her part in Hyenas is a little more substantial, because she really is smoking hot, and if I don't get a full frontal from her any time soon I'm probably going to end up wasting my last 4 minutes at that porn site I found a free code card to in an old issue of Heavy Metal.

Everybody knows why you dropped the H from your last name, Bar Paly

Update: could two separate images from the same photo shoot, one showing boobs and the other showing some pubic hair, be considered full frontal? If the answer is yes, I think I may have just saved those 4 free minutes. Hooray!

How to make sure your tie doesn't get into your hummus

Well, that's easy. You just get yourself a nice tie clip (or a tie bar, or a tie pin, or a tie chain). And if you're a weird little geek, you get one with a Cybus logo or a little face of a crazy space alien from outer space, and clip it onto your dragon tie!

I am

a big

fat

dork.

In other news: I don't like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. I don't think they're funny, I don't think they're very pleasant to watch, and I just find them generally annoying. But I did like Paul, which I watched yesterday. A lot. And not only did they star in it, they also wrote it. What does it mean? Probably that I just really like R-rated movies that feature funny looking aliens that sound like Seth Rogen and a whole lot of sci-fi references. And so, today I felt compelled to watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind again, and here is my review of the aliens in it: the first one, the big one that looks like a puppet on a string, is just plain awful. The little ones that look like little kids in alien costumes look pretty good, mostly because of the way they're lit from behind, but there were one or two shots when their faces were seen more clearly, and those were pretty bad too. But the final alien, the one that smiles and does that hand thing, that one was totally awesome, and has successfully made up for the general crappiness of its predecessors. Man, I wish I were a spooky space alien. Always have. And I already know exactly who I would use that anal probe on first, and it's definitely NOT Marla Sokoloff. Honest!

Okay, fine, it is her.

Stab 6 was better

Yesterday I went to see Scream 4, and it was pretty fun, if a little exhausting, which the awesome ending totally made up for. And so, in the spirit of the film, whatever that means, instead of the usual Coleslaw treatment, I'd like to present a rundown of all the ladies of Scream 4, by year of birth, from oldest to youngest. Enjoy!

1. Mary McDonnell. I kinda liked her as the president in Battlestar Galactica, but what she has here is your basic non-role, playing somebody's mom. How unfortunate.

2. Courteney Cox. Old and gross. I cannot believe that I used to think she was hot. Next.

3. Heather Graham. It's amazing what 14 year old archive footage can do for one's complexion.

4. Neve Campbell. She's obviously an extremely handsome woman, despite having recently crossed the 37 years threshold, but I don't think I could ever delete the image of her less-than-great boobs in I Really Hate My Job from my mind. Still, a very pretty lady, whose panties I definitely wouldn't mind sniffing. Or something.

5. Marley Shelton. Two words: Gor-geous. I've been madly in love with her ever since I first saw her in Pleasantville, and it's always saddened me that she never got to become the huge star she so righteously deserves to be. Oh well. She'll always be the star of my ejaculatory dreams.

6, 7. Kristen Bell and Anna Paquin. These two are responsible for what are easily the best two minutes in the whole movie. Ms. Bell is oh so very pretty, and Ms. Paquin's body looked so hot in that tank top that I begged my personal pasta monster to make it June already so I could finally start watching the new season of True Blood.

8. Alison Brie. I first saw her in Community last Booze Night, and while she didn't really look like a teenager, I still thought she was totally cute and pretty. Also, great boobs, and a very nice ass to match.

9. Marielle Jaffe. Her role is that of a generic hot chick, and being attractive enough, in a completely generic sort of way, I guess she's right for the part.

10, 11. Lucy Hale and Shenae Grimes. Ms. Hale is a total cutie pie, but maybe just a little bit too cute for her own good. After all, nobody wants to stick their dick in an adorable little puppy dog. Well, most people don't. I think. I also understand that Ms. Grimes is currently in that 90210 show. Meh.

12. Hayden Panettiere. Pretty nice boobs, but whoever told her she'd look good with short hair is retarded.

13, 14. Aimee Teegarden and Brittany Robertson. Who did they play again?

15. Emma Roberts. Easily the best thing about the actual movie (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell don't really count). I first saw her in It's Kind of a Funny Story (great little movie), and was totally blown away by how cute and pretty and intelligent-looking she was. In fact, she is so unbelievably cute and pretty and she did such a fantastic job in Scream 4 that I'm not going to let myself write or think anything filthy about her at this moment. Not one filthy thing. For now.

Emma Roberts. If loving chicks who are younger than me by over a decade
is wrong, I don't want to be right!

And speaking of attractive young actresses: it wasn't until yesterday that I learned that Taylor Momsen was the cute little girl in How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Which of course means that I am now officially ancient.


Nice boobs though.