Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Like Viagra for that other thing you think with

Today I went to see Limitless, and it was actually pretty good, despite of how much the cast list managed to mislead me. I mean, I saw the trailer, and I knew it was about this writer dude who takes this magic pill and gets more smarter and stuff, but I wasn't really sure if it was sci-fi-y enough for me, and so the main reason I went anyway was the promise that the extremely lovely Anna Friel had a large-ish role in it. Well, she doesn't, and during the one short scene she's in she looks like a three day old corpse, which really isn't hot as it may sound. So yeah, huge disappointment. I'm still glad I went though, because Limitless is a pretty interesting and entertaining movie, the kind that the '90s version of David Fincher could have made into something totally awesome. As it is, it's a not-too-dumb techno thriller with plenty of cool moments that's basically just lots and lots of fun, even though I'm pretty sure that in reality, if some loser got himself a surprisingly charismatic super brain he'd probably spend less time hanging around old guys in business suits and more time with frivolous young ladies with not too many clothes on. Or maybe that's just the super-brained version of me.

Thanks gawd for cute freckled chicks

The obvious next step would be to read Alan Glynn's The Dark Fields, the novel Limitless is based on. I just hope that Anna Friel's character has a lot more to do in the book than in the movie version. Also, sex scenes. Running my very own personal movie version in my head would be pretty damn awesome if her character has lots of sex scenes in the book. And you know what? Even if she doesn't, I'm still going to think about Ms. Friel doing naked things in my head. Bad things. Dirty things. Things that involve cheesecake. And there's not a damn thing she can do about it. Not one damn thing.

And finally, a bonus haiku:

Lady on the bus
You're not twenty anymore
Please put a bra on

Monday, March 28, 2011

Stupid Google

I've just noticed the following post on Lorena B's Facebook wall:


They didn't include a link to my original post, and for obvious reasons they cropped out the headline and the second paragraph, but I still feel pretty creeped out right now. It's one thing to write disgusting stuff about a young lady's labia anonymously, knowing no one would ever read it except the friendly inhabitants of a certain BC residence, but when that said young lady actually comes across your filthy, slimy stream of consciousness, and then posts it on her own wall and writes about how embarrassing she found it (including a full link, a smiley face, 44 likes and 24 comments), well, that is just a whole other matter. Does this mean it's time for a serious change for me? Could it mean that I'm going to have to abandon my mischievous ways, and that from now on this blog will never be the same again, at least in terms of the frequent, repulsive objectification of attractive young women I've come to enjoy so much over the years?

Eh, fuck it. I'll just keep pretending that nobody ever reads this stuff and have fun with it.

And I was totally going to go see them live again next month, but now there's just no way. And I was really looking forward to it too. Stupid Google. Stupid fucking Facebook. And stupid, STUPID fucking me.

Update: apparently it wasn't Google that gave me up, is was stupid YouTube. Fuck you, YouTube. Fuck you up your stupid, lumpy ass.

See also: how I screwed myself, and Lorena B live, January 2012.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Uncomfortably good looking

Last night I went to see Rango, and to my great surprise it was so awesome that I think it may have restored my faith in American animation! This tale of a thespian-wannabe chameleon turned small town sheriff may not be a perfect one, as it does contain numerous cheese-filled moments that feel like they belong in a freakin' Pixar movie, but it has more than enough cool and weird stuff that looks like it was written and animated under the influence of Mexican magic sawdust to make it into something that is truly special in this age of 3D eyeball grinders and poorly animated talking automobiles. I'd also like to tip my douchy Purim hat to the talented men and women at ILM, who showed us all that when they're not too busy making crap for chubby bearded dudes in plaid flannel shirts they can actually produce full length animated motion pictures with a level of CGI that's far superior to the stuff you'd see in most recent live action features. The biggest problem I could find with Rango was that being a movie that mostly features animated reptiles, rodents, birds and amphibians, it has absolutely no pretty ladies to look at whatsoever (the handful of human characters are mostly male, and the only Barbie doll is decapitated, though I'm not quite sure if that's a plus or a minus). To make up for that, here is a picture of Isla Fisher (whose character is the only one in the movie that's designed in such a boring way it makes her look like a Bug's Life reject) in a red bikini:

Hey there Little Miss Fire Crotch, wanna go down under?
Man, I still can't believe that a smoking hot piece of ass like that would actually go and change her religion just so that Borat could stick it to her on a regular basis and not upset his mommy.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Everyone in this photo is now dead

Goodbye, baby Knut. It's been almost four years since I took this picture, when you were only six months old, but you were never far from my mind. May you rest in peace in eisbär heaven.


Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy Freakin' Purim!

You gotta love the only Jewish holiday when it's perfectly acceptable for dudes to dress up like dorks and for chicks to dress up like total sluts. And this year I'm a hipster douche from Hamburg! Arrrgh, maties!

Faces are so mainstream

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Attack of the Ehs from Outer Space

Yesterday I went to see World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles, a military/alien invasion movie filmed entirely in Shaky Cam, and I guess it was sort of OK, in a completely lame and unexciting way. I can't say I remember much of the plot, but I don't think there was much of it to begin with. Plenty of nice explosions though! Other than that, the characters were boring, the dialogs were laughable, the action was the kind that doesn't really let you know what's going on, and there was just way too much military stuff and not nearly enough alien stuff to please my little pulsing E.T. finger. I mean, I have bravely managed to stay awake throughout the entire thing, and I still don't have any idea what the aliens' faces look like, or if they even have any! And as if to make matters even worse, there was virtually no ass to be seen anywhere! To illustrate my point, here is a photo of a seriously adorable young lady suggestively holding two phallus shaped vegetables, something this movie was tragically short of:

Oh Tabetha, why did you have to go and get your teeth straightened?

And no, Michelle Rodriguez holding a big ol' dusty gun doesn't quite cut it. She may be great at playing the tough chick, but cute she is not. In short, if World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles is going to get any sequels I'd probably go see them too, because I'm a sucker for alien movies, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like them much either. I'm just retarded that way.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Giving is its own reward, kind of!

Especially when you have absolutely no use for what you're giving away, and you got it for free yourself.

Free DVD player!
Works great
(except that the menus are in Chinese)

An hour later:

Mission accomplished.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I'd definitely perform fellatio on her dad

Earlier this month I finally went to see the foul mouthed puppets of Red Band perform live on stage, and it was pretty awesome, despite the surprisingly high number of douches in the crowd. The thing is, while the second opening band was so awful that it almost made me throw up all the cheap local beer I didn't have that evening (unsexy skinny chicks who think they're sexy are pretty unsexy, no matter how many morons cheer for them), the first opening band was one of the best Israeli acts I've seen in a long, long time. Possibly ever. Also, the hottest one I've seen. Quite definitely ever.

So yes Adi Ulmansky, even though I've read that a few years ago you were on the Israeli version of Pop Idol or whatever it's called these days, I would most definitely like to swallow your gum. Especially if by 'swallow' you mean nibble on, and by 'gum' you mean your labia minora. But even if you just mean a regular piece of chewing gum, and it's really been inside your mouth, and you really want me to put it inside mine and swallow it down so it would stay in my big fat belly for the next seven years or so, then yeah, still, totally, definitely, gladly.

Update: I'm totally screwed!

See also: Lorena B live, January 2012

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Hello Kittyfish!

Last night I watched Catfish, a documentary about this annoying photographer dude called Yaniv Schulman who meets this chick online and how nothing is as it seems, and it was easily one of the most incredible and heartbreaking documentaries I have ever seen, and yes, despite what some people may say, I totally believe it's completely real. I won't go into too much detail, because that would sort of ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but I do have three important things to say about it:

1. Webcams. Every laptop has one these days, most cellphones have video chat capabilities, and even if you don't have one of those, simple USB webcams are available everywhere and are dirt cheap. You just hook them up to your computer, and BAM, you know exactly who you're talking to online, even if they live on the other side of the planet, no problem. And you know what's the best part about webcams? If you can make a chick take her top off on cam, it's bound to make you feel like a god for at least a couple of hours.

2. The person behind the person. In my opinion, the real person behind the person turns out to be a real sweetheart. She's creative and talented, she's warm and kind and sensitive, and if I was age appropriate and if she was available, I'd totally go for it. Creepiness doesn't scare me one bit. Unlike bitchiness, of which she seems to have very little.

3. Yaniv Schulman, aka the dude who gets involved with the mysterious internet chick, is probably the biggest douchebag in the known universe, and he's got the ridiculous ass antlers to prove it. And even if he didn't have a tramp stamp, he'd still be a pretty huge douche who never deserved her in the first place. Fuck you Mr. Schulman, fuck you and your stupid, cocky smile.

And you know who else is a total douche? Anyone who divides what they're trying to say into three parts. Fuck those people too. Fuck them up their stupid, hairy asses. Now go watch Catfish. It'll change the way you look at internet creeps forever and ever.