This Movie is After Your BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINS

Well, I can't say I haven't been warned. Today I went to see Warm Bodies, and it was one of the worst cases of false advertising I have ever seen. Unlike what the trailer has lead me to believe, Warm Bodies is not a zombie comedy. In fact, it isn't a comedy at all. Warm Bodies is just another one of those dreadful supernatural teen romance movies that seem to make so much money these day. Expecting something along the lines of Zombieland, what I got was the undead version of fucking Twilight. I've read a review earlier this week saying just that, but I simply refused to believe it. How bad, I said to myself before entering the theater, could a movie starring Rob Corddry (SO funny), Analeigh Tipton (SO pretty) and John Malkovich (SO creepy) possibly be? The answer is now clear to me. It could be very, very bad. Painfully bad. So bad I didn't care about anything happening on the screen and kept checking my phone for the time, and I NEVER turn my phone on at the movies. Oh well, un-die and learn, I guess. At least the mummy-like Boneys were sort of cool. Boneys, I can only assume, is a term referring to obsessive fanboys of the new animated TV hit My Little Boner: Dipshits are Tragic, voiced by Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. Coming to the sweaty center of the smelly Middle East this spring!

Analeigh Tipton may be totally gorgeous and Teresa Palmer may be extremely beautiful in a completely bland sort of way, but it is Rob Corddry who just oozes raw sex in Warm Bodies. Bald guys who aren't me are so darn sexy!

The Greatest Travesty of Our Time

This election day I went to see Django Unchained, and it was obviously extremely cool, but there was one little thing that ruined my viewing experience. With all due respect, and I'm not trying to exaggerate or anything, but casting a beautiful and talented young actress like Amber Tamblyn in a movie as cool as this one and then giving her less than a second of screen time is easily the greatest American injustice since slavery.

Also, Amber Tamblyn is married to a Jewish guy who was 19 when she was born, and that's fucking disgusting.

Some People Just Don't Know How to Age, Part I

Last week I went to see Cloud Atlas, and even though some stories were better than others (the future is always more interesting than the past) and the makeup jobs were a little uneven (Halle Berry as a middle-aged Korean man? Seriously?) the entire experience was simply overwhelming and truly amazing to behold. Easily the best thing the Wachowski siblings have done since 1999. The only thing that bothered me was how Ms. Berry, who is currently 46 years old, looks exactly like she did over a decade ago in Swordfish and the first X-Men. Hasn't anyone taught her how to age properly? She should be ashamed of herself.

This is basically how old Halle Berry looks in Cloud Atlas. I don't think that's her natural hair color, though.

An Unexpected Technology

Yesterday I went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and was completely overwhelmed by the effect of the HFR format. High Frame Rate technology is truly amazing to behold. It is also devastatingly awful. By some miracle of alchemy, because it makes motion look so real, it makes the film look like the opposite of what a cinematic experience is supposed to look, which in turn makes it look completely fake, like watching actors move around a film set. Most of the movie looks like one of those old-timey shot-on-video television dramas, while the CGI looks like it belongs in a video game or an amusement park ride. Whenever an actor makes a quick motion, it looks like someone pushed the fast-forward button. Because of the way single-projector 3D setups work, HFR somehow distorts the 3D effect, so that fast-moving objects seem to float against the background. Worst of all, it made my eyes physically hurt during the first hour or so of the screening. And yet, the high frame rate really does turn The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey into an awe-inspiring visual experience. Most of the time I found it to be completely distracting, but when it does work, it works like nothing you've ever seen on a screen. The next two Hobbit films have already been shot, so they'll probably bear similar flaws, but I think it's fair to assume that by the time James Cameron starts shooting the Avatar sequels next year they'll be able to work out the kinks and make HFR look absolutely spectacular.

So how was the actual movie? Well, obviously, it was way too long for is own good, but not half as boring as I thought it would be. The Gollum scene alone was worth the price of admission, and the rest was pretty cool too, so I will definitely be revisiting the world of The Hobbit in December 2013 as well as December 2014, if only to see the cute talking dragon. I sure do love those cute talking dragons.

Sara Canning does not star in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey because she doesn't have a penis, but what she lacks in genitalia she certainly makes up for with a truly glorious mouth, and right now she's the only reason I still watch Primeval: New World.

Should You Watch ParaNorman: a Study

Yes. Yes, you should. Right now. Like, this very minute. Go!

Anna Kendrick is cute and pretty and funny and talented and I love her and I want to marry her and sit on the couch with her and watch a movie together and maybe smell her hair a little if she falls asleep but probably not and that's okay because she's Anna Kendrick and she's amazing.

Return of the Burt: a Bull Terrier's Tale

I was never a big fan of '80s Tim Burton. Much like the rest of that decade, his movies had a lot going for them, but ultimately they were too awkwardly-made and too much on the bad side of creepy for me to truly enjoy. '90s Tim Burton was a completely different creature: his movies were so rich and joyful and lovingly crafted that they defined an entire generation of avid moviegoers. Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Selick's The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks! and Sleepy Hollow were all regarded as cinematic masterpieces by anyone with fully functioning ocular organs (yes, even Mars Attacks. shut up, aliens are cool!), but then something truly terrible had happened. 2001 saw the rise of '00 Tim Burton, who was a big scary money-making machine which produced a string of big-screen artistic disasters and made us all suspect that some time around the turn of the century Mr. Burton had sold his tortured soul to the studios for a buttload of cash (I'm blaming '00 Tim Burton for Alice in Wonderland too, even though it was released in early 2010). Then came Dark Shadows, which wasn't a perfect film, but it did get me to reconsider my view of Burton's transformation. Finally, yesterday I got to attend an accidentally-private screening of '10s Tim Burton's stop-motion animated remake of his 1984 Frankenweenie, and boy, was I glad to behold his glorious return to the realm of heartwarming black-and-white creepiness. I absolutely loved everything about this version of Frankenweenie, and I have no doubt that this is the best possible way of telling this story of one boy's unbound love for his tragically deceased puppy. Welcome back, Timmy. I hope you'll decide to stick around for at least another eight years.

Reanimated bull terriers are ADORABLE.

A note on the animation: in the age of computer animation, the only merit of stop-motion animation is its hand-made quality. Corpse Bride, Burton's 2005 film, did not possess that quality, which is one of the reasons I disliked it so much. A stop-motion animated film that looks and feels as smooth and perfect as a computer animated film is a complete waste of quite a bit of time, money and talent (and the godawful songs didn't help either). The good news is that Frankenweenie looks a lot more like The Nightmare Before Christmas than Corpse Bride. Don't get me wrong, the animation is still very fluid and you can definitely notice the use of modern animation techniques, but the animation style, the gorgeous character design (especially Martin Landau's Mr. Rzykruski) and the textures of both sets and characters are much more reminiscent of crude pencil sketches than of computer models. And that's a good thing.

Can you guess how many beauty marks I felt compelled to remove from this image? The winner gets a free butt mole!

And a note on the 3D: for some reason, Frankenweenie is only released in Israel in eye-popping 2D. As that is how it was originally shot (the 3D version is one of those crappy conversion things), that is also a good thing, and I'd like to thank whoever made that decision.

I'll Have 400gr of Sarah Gadon, Please

Last night I saw Brandon Cronenberg's Antiviral at Icon TLV, and it was by far the most deliciously Cronenbergian film I have seen in over a decade. Antiviral tells the story of a hideously freckled young man who works as a salesman for a company that sells interesting and exotic diseases extracted from interesting and exotic individuals to people who want to feel as close to their favorite celebrities as they possibly can without actually being in the same room with them. Something happens to this one really hot chick, and then something happens to the ginger sales guy, and a bunch of people keep eating cloned human flesh and puking up blood and sticking each other with needles, but what's really important is that from the very first scene I was once again completely immersed in the beautifully creepy world that is the lavishly diseased brain of a member of the Cronenberg clan, in a way I haven't felt like since the first time I saw Videodrome. David Cronenberg may have officially left the world of all that is good and slimy in the late '90s, but I guess that is why people feel a need to procreate, because while Antiviral is undoubtedly an entirely original creation, one which I'm sure will only gather more and more recognition as more and more viewers are exposed to it, Brandon is still very much his father's son, with all the weird and crazy shit that sort of thing tends to entail. He also seems like a really cool guy, someone I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a mugwump with, and I kinda wanted to shake his hand after the Q&A session, but that would have been kinda weird, because he's about my age, and I usually like my celebrity male crushes to be old enough to be my dad. The young Cronenberg said that he is planning to keep making movies until he runs out of Canadian government money, and if he keeps making them this good, I expect nothing less of him.

Fine, make it 600gr of Sarah Gadon. But you better make it boob meat, because I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight.

And today I saw Dredd 3D, which has some pretty cool gore and violence and not much more than that. Also, the 3D was garbage. The movie was supposedly shot on 3D, but it has so many awful converted shots (including every single close-up) that I found it completely unwatchable. Not even the lovely Olivia Thirlby could save this one, as her only job here was to have yellow hair and deliver awful, generic dialogue. What a complete waste of my time.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

I Think I Just Got Loopus!

Today I went to see Looper, the new R-rated neo-noir time travel sci-fi thriller written and directed by Rian Johnson (the brilliant mind behind Brick) starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt as a blonde with a southern accent and Piper Perabo as a hooker with adorable little boobies. Sounds like a recipe for a huge disappointment, doesn't it? Well, unfortunately for all you pessimistic assholes out there (me included, naturally), it is not. Looper is just as amazing a film as its premise makes it sound, and so much more. It's set 30 years in the future but it doesn't shove that fact down your throat, the acting is solid all around, the writing and directing are obviously of the highest quality imaginable, the time travel rules are a little weird but still extremely cool, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's makeup is totally freaky but not too distracting, and it literally has the best booty-call-via-frog scene I have ever seen in my entire life. If you're a fan of all that is good and pure, it does not get much better than this big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey cinematic stuff.

IMDB said Looper was rated R for nudity (among other awesome things), but I did not expect to see Ms. Perabo wearing nothing but her undies! Good stuff. Good, good stuff.

And eariler this week I went to see the new Resident Evil movie, but since it didn't seem to have a plot or a script or any acting to speak of I don't really have much to say about it, other than that I did have some fun staring at a 3D Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a couple of post-it notes, and that I'm definitely looking forward to the next movie in the franchise, mostly just because I really like flying monsters.

No Real Cows were Blown Up During the Making of this Movie

This week I went to see the 102 minute long Costco commercial known as The Watch, and I had a really nice time. It's exactly what one would expect from an R-rated comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, only with an ever higher dosage of dick jokes and a bunch of scary aliens running around and skinning people! Mind you, I did ingest a healthy amount of the movie-enhancing substance commonly known as Tuborg Red while watching the film, so scenes projected on the screen may have appeared funnier than they actually were, but that doesn't make my viewing experience any less fun. That is all.

Jessica Stroup may not have anything to do with The Watch, but she is still amazing and I want to bear her beautiful children in my big fat belly.

The Smartest Thing I've Ever Done EVER

Over the last few years, probably due to the excessive frequency of Booze Nights I've been throwing, I have completely lost the ability to enjoy silly movies while sober. Unfortunate, but unavoidable. So when Seth MacFarlane's Ted came out here, I was faced with two options: I could either go see the movie and not enjoy it that much, or I could wait for it to come out on Blu-ray and then watch it at home. Luckily, I'm a pathetic, hopeless loser who doesn't really mind getting drunk by himself in a theater full of teenagers at 3 in the afternoon, so I just purchased a bunch of overpriced beers at the supermarket as Ayalon mall and brought them with me into the theater. It wasn't the first time I got drunk at the movies (Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter comes to mind), but it was definitely the most successful one. How was the movie, then? Pretty good! I can't say I remember much of it other than that the bear sounded exactly like Peter Griffin, but I do remember having an amazing time. Thank you Yes Planet for allowing moviegoers to bring in outside food, and thank you Seth MacFarlane for practically forcing me to have this experience!

Superfluous nipples are HILARIOUS.

So, I saw the Total Recall remake this week.

You don't have to see the Total Recall remake.

Here's a quick comparison:

• The Hero: Arnie or Colin Farrell? Arnie, obviously. He might be big and dumb, but he knows how to use it to his advantage. Colin Farrell may be a fine actor, but as an action her he's fucking boring. Original: 1, remake: 0.
• The Wife: Sharon Stone or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Stone, you were very pretty in the early '90s, but Ms. Beckinsale is absolutely gorgeous even at the ripe age of 39. Also, spectacular ass. Original: 1, remake: 1.
• The Bad Guy: Michael Ironside or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Beckinsale, if this were a "who would you rather get an over-the-pants handjay from?" type of contest you'd be a sure winner, but playing a good villain takes the kind of awesomeness only creepy-looking character actors like Mr. Ironside possess. Original: 2, remake: 1.
• The Girlfriend: Rachel Ticotin or Jessica Biel? Well, I'm not a huge Jessica Biel fan, but even I have to admit that these two don't even belong to the same species. Seriously Mr. Verheoven, what were you thinking? Original: 2, remake: 2.
• The Über Villain: Ronny Cox or Bryan Cranston? Mr. Cox did a fine job in the original, but Bryan Cranston is a fucking god, so even though his character doesn't really do much in the remake, it's not like he can lose to anyone. Original: 2, remake: 3. (oh noes!)
• Special Effects #1: how good did they look? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology and has the kind of realistic look that I'm guessing will still seem convincing even in 22 years. Original: 2, remake: 4. (dafuq!?)
• Special Effects #2: how cool were they? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation that were totally awesome! The effects were weird and funny and unlike anything else seen at the time. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology, but as long as your futuristic world looks like every other sci-fi movie that's out there, what's the point? Sure, the movie is technically perfect, but that doesn't mean it isn't utterly boring to look at. Original: 3, remake: 4.
• Story: The original wasn't very faithful to the Philip K. Dick short story, but it did have Mars in it. The remake doesn't even have that. It's like someone had an idea for a generic sci-fi thriller about a giant elevator that travels through the center of the planet, but couldn't get it picked up until he rewrote it as a Total Recall remake. Nice try, but no thanks. Original: 4, remake: 4.
• Gore and Nudity: The original was an R-rated Paul Verhoeven film. The remake is a PG-13 joke directed by Kate Beckinsale's husband, where people get shot and there's never any blood in sight. You do get one quick shot of the triple-boobied hooker, but it's so brief you can easily miss it if you blink at the wrong time. Original: 5, remake: 4.
• Fun: The original Total Recall was a blast. The new remake is so generic and yet it takes itself so seriously that mostly it just made me want to take a nap in the theater and get the hell out once the credits came up. Original: 6, remake: 4.

Final Verdict: If you're craving some Total Recall goodness, the 1990 Paul Verhoeven film looks pretty amazing on blu-ray. Len Wiseman's remake, however, turns a true classic into something that is so mundane you'd forget it the second you leave the theater. He should just keep making movies where his wife wears fake fangs and tight outfits. You can never go wrong with that sort of stuff.

If you don't think that this rugged and manly individual is a GOD, then the atheists win!

This is Not an In-depth Analysis of The Dark Knight Rises

This is just a photo of some big-tittied chick The Bat was dumb enough to risk his life for just because he got to bang her that one time. Silly Bat, hoots are for babies! (and for grown men who still think oversized mammary glands hold the key to their happiness.)

They are still rather spectacular, Marion Cotillard!

A slightly more detailed review follows in the form of haikus:

So how was the film?
Just as I had expected
Pretty darn awesome!


Christopher Nolan
You are a fine director
Why so serious?


Bane's not so scary
Couldn't see the bad guy's mouth
Stole Dragonheart's voice


Dear Anne Hathaway
You might want to eat something
You look malnourished


Were I into guys
I would bone Morgan Freeman
And Sir Michael Caine

The Amazing Penis Parker

All I wanted was to see the lovely Emma Stone in 3D. Today I got to see her in a 3D movie (The Amazing Spider-Man, to be specific), but unless a highly skilled 3D technician is involved, that is hardly the same thing. So I'm not sure I got what I came for. What else can I say about the film? Umm... well, it certainly was a Spider-Man origin movie. That's about it. Oh, and I guess I still don't understand why they decided to cast a medium-sized turkey as Aunt May, but I suppose they had their reasons. That is all.

You may have pretty great gams, Emma Stone, but I have a feeling that your nipples are a bit on the irregular side. I dare you to prove me wrong!

Next booze night I'm totally going to watch 500 Days of Summer, Marc Webb's first movie, if only to see if the guy who directed music videos for Maroon 5, Pussycat Dolls and P. Diddy can make something that isn't completely generic. I just hope that it's entertaining enough for Drunk Ben to maintain a buzz worthy of a mid-week booze night.


Update: yes, yes he can. Also, Zooey Deschanel's character is a bitch.

Dear David Cronenberg,

This week I saw your latest film, Cosmopolis, and it was okay I guess. It wasn't completely boring, but not particularly interesting either. I also saw Prometheus today for the second time, and so I've arrived at this single conclusion: you should really think about going back to making movies about exploding heads, amphibian game consoles, stomach VHS vaginas, man-eating slugs, human flies and drug peddling lizard mutants, because if I wanted to see Robert Pattinson doing his impression of Kristen Stewart for an hour and a half, I would just, well, I'd probably kill myself for wanting to see that. So, you know. If Ridley Scott can go back to his slimy roots, so can you.

With kind regards,
Ben.

And oh yeah, Charlize Theron looks even hotter in Prometheus the second time around. The rumors online say that in the director's cut blu-ray her ass will get a much bigger role. Good for her!

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Last week I went to see Prometheus, and despite of what most of the reviews I've read since then had to say, I didn't think it was stupid, I wasn't bothered by any plot holes and I don't think Ridley Scott needs to stop making movies. In fact, I thought it was one of the most interesting, thought provoking, intense, visually breathtaking and just awesome movies I have ever seen. And the 3D was really good too! Until now, the only two Ridley Scott movies I've actually liked were Alien and Blade Runner, so I basically haven't enjoyed any of his stuff since I was two years old, but Prometheus just blew my stupid little mind to bits. It's no Alien, because it's not about chasing a scary monster through dark corridors, but it's so much more than that. I'm not saying I actually understood even half of it, but I knew I was watching something truly unique, and long before the movie ended I knew that I wanted to see it again in the next couple of weeks. And then I went online and read a lengthy but elegant analysis of the film, and then I knew I just had to see it again as soon as fucking possible. The explanation seemed kinda weird, but it was based on interviews with Mr. Scott himself, and in a way it made perfect sense (spoiler: once again it's all the chosen people's fault). So yeah, it's pretty clear to me that I'm going to enjoy Prometheus even better the second time, but that will have to wait until I get back from visiting Germany. In the meantime, my message to Ridley Scott is simply this: please make more sci-fi movies, you're really good at those, and please don't bother with other genres anymore, because the last thing the world needs right now is more movies that don't have any robots or gooey space monsters.

Well apparently Charlize Theron is one of those women who still look amazing even as they near their Terrible 37. Good for her!

Coming up next week: expect a bunch of poorly taken pictures of cute German puppies, and if I'm lucky enough, cute German kitties too!

Needs More Booze

Yesterday I went to see The Dictator, and while it wasn't bad or anything (although it was much more like the Ali G movie than Borat or Brüno, which isn't a good thing), it did remind me why I almost never watch comedies sober anymore. I imagine that with the right amount of booze in my system I would've found it pretty hilarious, but since Yes Planet doesn't really offer any at the snack bar, it just didn't have any serious effect on me. And the moral of the story is: next time you feel a need to see a comedy at the movies, get yourself a nice flask (preferably one with a picture of a dinosaur on it) and fill it up with cheap arak. That is all.

Oh, and Anna Faris looks really cute with short dark hair and hairy pits

Best Horror Appearance 2012: Gary Busey's Teeth

This week I went to see Piranha 3DD, and it was actually very entertaining, especially after watching 2010's Piranha 3D, which I didn't like one bit (eww 3D conversions). The premise is basically the same, only with a water park full of plastic-boobed strippers instead of a beach full of horny college kids, but everything works much better this time around. The script is funnier, the gore is much more interesting and uses a lot more practical, rubber fish and not just CGI (that's a good thing), David Hasselhoff's manly manboobs are deeply impressive and best of all, I finally got to see the beautiful Danielle Panabaker in her undies AND wearing a tiny little bikini top in glorious native 3D! I don't think Piranha 3DD is going to win any Oscars (like anyone even cares about them anymore), but it's a really fun and gory 83 minutes, Danielle Panabaker is absolutely gorgeous and thanks to the Hoff the ending is just hilarious, so unless there's a toothy fish nibbling on your genitalia at the moment, I see no reason for you not to get off your lazy ass and go see it right now!

I think the rule is, if she was born in the '80s, it isn't THAT creepy

Agent B. Approves (Elfman Double Feature Part II)

Yesterday I went to see Men in Black 3, and surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty good! I've always loved the original Men in Black (despite my deep, burning hatred for everything that is Will Smith), but the 2002 sequel was a huge letdown (I think the script went something like: "Here's a weird looking alien, here's another weird looking alien, and hey look, over there we've got another weird looking alien. The End") so I was more than a little suspicious this time around, which is why I couldn't be happier to find the new movie deliciously delightful and just so, so much fun! I mean, who would have thought that transporting a gentleman of darker complexion with an attitude problem into the 1960s would actually be a good idea! If I thought '90s aliens were awesome then the '60s variety totally blew my mind, and you also get Andy Warhol played by a generic SNL comedian AND the profoundly hilarious Jemaine Clement (whose baby I definitely wouldn't mind having) as a big scary one-armed time-traveling space alien! I also found it pretty funny that in a sci-fi comedy about time travel, the only thing that didn't make sense to me was how a smoking hot piece of ass like the unnaturally lovely Alice Eve turns into Emma Thompson in only 40 years' time, because we all know what Mrs. Thompson looked like when she was younger, and she was never that hot, or even at all. Which is a little weird, but also says a lot about the quality of the script, written by some Jewish guy I've never heard of whose writing credits include Madagascar 2. Yeah. Hopefully they'll hire him once again to write MIB4: Black Suits on the Grassy Knoll, in which we'll finally learn who fake-assassinated America's first Alpha-Centauri-Catholic president and why there were no evidence of his long fluffy double-ended tail at the scene of the supposed crime.

Alice Eve desperately wants you to look up her nude scenes from Crossing Over and fap to them like the diseased, sex starved chimps that you know you are

And guess what! I got to see the movie in spectacular, jaw-dropping 2D! Thank you Yes Planet for not making my eyes bleed from the awful fake 3D!

Hottest. Werewolf. EVER. (Elfman Double Feature Part I)

This week I went to see Dark Shadows, and it was easily the most fun I've had at a Tim Burton film since 1999! Sure, it's kinda dumb and utterly forgettable, the script is a huge mess, Jonny Lee Miller is tragically underused and Eva Green is just plain gross (which brings to mind the Fellatio Theorem), but the whole vampires and witches and ghosts aspect was thoroughly entertaining, Bella Heathcote is oh so very pretty, Chloë Moretz is seriously creepy as a surprisingly luscious and frightfully illegal teenage girl, the soundtrack is loaded with neat '70s songs (which was a nice addition to the usual Danny Elfman poomlah-poomlah-poomlah routine), and yeah, the whole movie is basically one big goofy cheese ball chock full of silly horror soap goodness. The biggest problem I had with Dark Shadows was that it's just a movie and not a two-hour pilot episode for a new television remake of the original show, because I would definitely watch the poop out of something like that.

The Australians are coming - better hide the women and children.

Also: the sexiest werewolf chick I have ever, ever seen. And that includes Katharine Isabelle in Ginger Snaps, Julie Delpy in American Werewolf in Paris, Judy Greer in Cursed and even Meghan Ory in Once Upon a Time.