Monday, April 1, 2013

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!11

OMG J-----, OMG!

Remember that hip new bar I was terrified about going to the other night? Well, you're not gonna believe this! I MET SOMEONE THERE! A real live woman, and we totally hit it off! It was a little awkward at first, but J-----, it was so amazing. And then! Then, after the show, we went back to her place! She has a roommate, but we had plenty of privacy. And get this J-----, after spending most of the night talking, we actually had sex! Would you imagine? Me, at my age, finally having sex with the most awesome woman I've ever met! She's so goddamn cute, you're just going to die when you see her. I know it sounds silly, but I just know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and be disgustingly happy for the rest of our lives!!!!
LOLJK, April fools!


Update, April 30th: unfortunately, I will not be able to pull this prank quite as effectively next year, or any year after that. *cries even harder*

Sunday, March 31, 2013

This One is a Lot Like the One From Three Weeks Ago

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVII

Naming names is always a big mistake. See edition XV for more information, if you must.

Three weeks have gone by, and she's still just as amazing. And the jeans shorts and exposed navel didn't hurt either.

As seen in PGISLN XI, only this time she was there just to listen to music, rather than play it.

This one is mostly known for being cute, being able to dress herself and having been born into money.  She also used to be married to some allegedly funny guy who hasn't been even remotely entertaining in over a decade.

Friday, March 29, 2013

I'd Definitely Occupy That

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVI

Last night I saw a one-woman play originally co-edited by Alan Rickman about how lame this country is. Sounds depressing? Wait until you get to see this attractive young lady wearing nothing but her bra and panties!

I can't even begin to describe how turned on I get by cellulite on hot women.

The only thing that bothered me about the show was how the only person who kept laughing inappropriately in the audience was this terrible old actress who sat in the row in front of me and is also the wife of the creepy old pervert who runs the monodrama festival. Terrible people are terrible.

Bonus: a grainy, high contrast black and white picture of a great big puppy, taken right outside the theater!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tumtum by Gil Yefman

I took these photos today at the About Stupidity exhibition at the Petach Tikva Museum of Art.

This thing is basically amazing.

Also, it farts.

Every art museum needs an awesome piece of art that also farts.

Otherwise, what do we even have art museums for?

Bonus: two artsy black and white photos. It's the graininess that makes it art!

This black kitty was sleeping peacefully just outside the museum. I woke it up because I'm a dick.

I thought I had crushed my camera to death on the bus, so once I got off it I had to see if it still worked. This is the result.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #32

Anna Paquin, nude
I embrace her in my bed
She doesn't like it.

I watched Straight A's last night. It was okay. Could have used a lot more of that purple thing she was wearing in one of the scenes. Fantastic nipples, is what I'm saying.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #47

Two girls on the bus
I want to touch Girl A's boob
While Girl B watches

In the image above: two girls. I believe that usually means over three different boobs to choose from!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Haiku of the Day: Found, The Single Most Perfect Human Female on FSM's Green Earth

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XV

Yael Birenbaum
I want to have your babies
By which I mean cats

Perfection incarnate.

So yeah, Jack in the Box are an amazing band and I want Yael Birenbaum to impregnate me with her sweet-scented womanly seed, so that I may give birth to our happy litter of fuzzy little kittens through my belly button.