OMG OMG OMG!!!!!11

OMG J-----, OMG!

Remember that hip new bar I was terrified about going to the other night? Well, you're not gonna believe this! I MET SOMEONE THERE! A real live woman, and we totally hit it off! It was a little awkward at first, but J-----, it was so amazing. And then! Then, after the show, we went back to her place! She has a roommate, but we had plenty of privacy. And get this J-----, after spending most of the night talking, we actually had sex! Would you imagine? Me, at my age, finally having sex with the most awesome woman I've ever met! She's so goddamn cute, you're just going to die when you see her. I know it sounds silly, but I just know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and be disgustingly happy for the rest of our lives!!!!
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LOLJK, April fools!

 *cries*

Update, April 30th: unfortunately, I will not be able to pull this prank quite as effectively next year, or any year after that. *cries even harder*

I'd Definitely Occupy That

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVI

Last night I saw a one-woman play originally co-edited by Alan Rickman about how lame this country is. Sounds depressing? Wait until you get to see this attractive young lady wearing nothing but her bra and panties!

I can't even begin to describe how turned on I get by cellulite on hot women.

The only thing that bothered me about the show was how the only person who kept laughing inappropriately in the audience was this terrible old actress who sat in the row in front of me and is also the wife of the creepy old pervert who runs the monodrama festival. Terrible people are terrible.


Bonus: a grainy, high contrast black and white picture of a great big puppy, taken right outside the theater!

Tumtum by Gil Yefman

I took these photos today at the About Stupidity exhibition at the Petach Tikva Museum of Art.

This thing is basically amazing.

Also, it farts.

Every art museum needs an awesome piece of art that also farts.

Otherwise, what do we even have art museums for?

Bonus: two artsy black and white photos. It's the graininess that makes it art!

This black kitty was sleeping peacefully just outside the museum. I woke it up because I'm a dick.

I thought I had crushed my camera to death on the bus, so once I got off it I had to see if it still worked. This is the result.

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #32

Anna Paquin, nude
I embrace her in my bed
She doesn't like it.

I watched Straight A's last night. It was okay. Could have used a lot more of that purple thing she was wearing in one of the scenes. Fantastic nipples, is what I'm saying.

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #47

Two girls on the bus
I want to touch Girl A's boob
While Girl B watches

In the image above: two girls. I believe that usually means over three different boobs to choose from!

Haiku of the Day: Found, The Single Most Perfect Human Female on FSM's Green Earth

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XV

Yael Birenbaum
I want to have your babies
By which I mean cats

Perfection incarnate.

So yeah, Jack in the Box are an amazing band and I want Yael Birenbaum to impregnate me with her sweet-scented womanly seed, so that I may give birth to our happy litter of fuzzy little kittens through my belly button.

Vacation Photos, Part II: Hotel Room Art That Looks Like Excited Lady Parts

Slimy vaginas. Slimy vaginas everywhere.

Bonus photo: a scary cyborg triceratops!

Animated Haiku of the Day: Is There Anything Sweeter Than a Lena Dunham?

Bonus: a painstakingly animated morphing G!

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

Haiku of the Day: And I Fucking Hate Cigarettes

Smoking girl walked by
I breathed in her exhaled smoke
Cancer erection

Ivana Milicevic and Buffy are Eskimo sisters!

In other news: I'm deeply sorry, Ivana Milicevic. Even at the ripe age of 38 you're still absolutely gorgeous and I really did try to like Banshee, but it just wasn't very good. Other new shows to avoid this season are The Following and Do No Harm. Bleh.

The Most Solemn Fap of All

Would you buy this vintage denim overall, previously owned by an elderly person (and possible Holocaust survivor) in need and recently worn by international fashion model Adi Neumann? I sure would, if only for the privilege of smelling the faint scent of her skin on the fabric during every single morning fap session for as long as I shall live. Unfortunately, this particular item has already been sold (to some extremely lucky perv, I'm sure), but there are still many others at the Roots website, all pre-owned by nice old people who need your spending money much more than you do. Happy International Holocaust Remembrance Day.

If Ms. Neumann really wants to help the needy she should just start selling her used, unwashed panties online, because there are still a lot more creepy panty sniffers out there than hipsters who enjoy dressing up like their grandparents.

A Wool Hat on Things

Wool hats are cool. Here is what my new wool hat, knitted by the person who once gave birth to me, looks like on various inanimate objects.

A glow-in-the-dark skull from the London Dungeon wearing a cool wool hat.

A dragon skull from Hamburg wearing a cool wool hat.

A wooden bear I found in the street wearing a cool wool hat.

A Halloween pumpkin from Italy wearing a cool wool hat.

A fire-breathing dragon from Worms, Germany wearing a cool wool hat.

A skull from Berlin wearing a cool wool hat.

A carnival mask from Venice wearing a cool wool hat.

Signs That a Magic Show isn't That Great, Part 4/1

Seems almost too good to be true, doesn't it?

Some People Just Don't Know How to Age, Part II

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Week, Part XIII

Also last week, I went to see the Japanese-Israeli co-production of The Trojan Women at the Cameri theater, directed by Yukio Ninagawa and performed in Japanese, Hebrew and Arabic, and I've enjoyed it immensely. Reading the Hebrew subtitles, which were positioned at both sides of the stage, gave my neck a bit of a workout (we were sitting in the middle of the second row), but it was certainly worth the effort. Once again, the one thing I found profoundly annoying was how 44-year-old Japanese actress Yōka Wao, who played Helen of Troy, looked like she was in her late twenties at the most. Shame on her, for making me peek lustily at the panties of a woman in her mid-forties.

In case you were wondering, they were white.

See also: the first two actresses in the very first Pretty Ladies IRL post who were also featured in this play.

Some People Just Don't Know How to Age, Part I

Last week I went to see Cloud Atlas, and even though some stories were better than others (the future is always more interesting than the past) and the makeup jobs were a little uneven (Halle Berry as a middle-aged Korean man? Seriously?) the entire experience was simply overwhelming and truly amazing to behold. Easily the best thing the Wachowski siblings have done since 1999. The only thing that bothered me was how Ms. Berry, who is currently 46 years old, looks exactly like she did over a decade ago in Swordfish and the first X-Men. Hasn't anyone taught her how to age properly? She should be ashamed of herself.

This is basically how old Halle Berry looks in Cloud Atlas. I don't think that's her natural hair color, though.

I am a Serious Political Post

For further rage-fapping material, google Ayelet Shaked of the Jewish Home party, a future member of the Israeli parliament. She's basically the political equivalence of putting a hot girl in a bikini on an overpriced, gas-guzzling car, or using a redhead with pointy nipples wearing a wet t-shirt in a commercial for a sugary soft drink loaded with artificial colors that give you butt cancer.

I Put the Fart in Farty

Why I Love the Beauty Section

Should You Watch ParaNorman: a Study

Yes. Yes, you should. Right now. Like, this very minute. Go!

Anna Kendrick is cute and pretty and funny and talented and I love her and I want to marry her and sit on the couch with her and watch a movie together and maybe smell her hair a little if she falls asleep but probably not and that's okay because she's Anna Kendrick and she's amazing.

Kindergarten Sign Fail

Creepy babies are creepy.