Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Cuckoo for Catnip

I have never watched any of the Harry Potter movies, or any of the Twilight movies, because I don't like kids and I despise teenagers and I don't really like wizards and I really don't like sparkly vampires who carve cock (unless they have boobs and live on True Blood) and I think that the only people who should be legally allowed to read young adult fiction are teenagers, and even they can usually do a lot better. And yet, yesterday I went to see The Hunger Games, and it was actually not bad at all! I mean, sure, everybody knows that Donald Sutherland, Woody Harrelson and Stanley Tucci are totally awesome, and it only made sense that Elizabeth Banks would still look totally hot even in all those ridiculous, unflattering outfits, and Gary Ross did write and direct Pleasantville, which happens to be one of my favorite movies ever, and Jennifer Lawrence is in fact oh so very pretty, but what surprised me the most was that despite the lame romantic plot line between Catnip and her creepy stalker boy (camouflage being one of the basic essentials of efficient stalking), the story was actually really good, and that I actually cared about the characters. Also, in most movies, when a child or a teenager is in mortal danger they usually get rescued at the last minute, and if they actually die then the movie thinks it has the right to try and make you feel like it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to anyone in the entire history of space and time. Well, not in this movie, where watching kids get offed in interesting ways is the main attraction. Since I suffer from a rare bone disorder that prevents me from enjoying a movie if I've already read the book it's based on, I can't really read the other two books in the series, but I'll definitely pick up the first one, if only to find out just how graphic the gory parts really are. Hopefully I'll be able to locate a used copy that doesn't stink too much of teen spirit.

Why so serious in the movie, Jennifer Lawrence? In real life you seem hilarious!

In other news:

Dear Internetz,

Please stop coming to my blog looking for 'hot', 'sexy' or 'nude' pictures of Isabelle Fuhrman. She is barely 15, and I'm tired of getting creeped out every time I check my traffic sources stats.

Sincerely yours,

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Foolproof Pick-up Line #24

This is a really efficient one, but it only works of you're of ethnic descent. In case you're not sure what that means, Webster's Dictionary defines 'ethnic' as anyone who isn't pure Caucasian.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Last Night at the Theatre

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part II

This week I have once again acted like a total sir and went to see two plays at the Habima Theatre, both of which are German-Israeli projects involving Israeli, Palestinian and German actors. Now, don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed both plays tremendously, and if I had anyone to recommend them to I most definitely would have, but since I don't really know anything about the fine art of theatre, I think I better stick to what I know best, which is of course ogling pretty ladies like a disgusting, filthy pervert. Please note that while it may seem like I'm talking about these talented actresses as if they were pieces of succulent tofu-based meat substitute, they are all in fact extremely gifted young women whom I have the utmost respect for. As usual, no names will be mentioned, because of Google.

Adorable German chicks are adorable, especially when they're trying to handle questions from the audience during the post-show Q&A session.

Everybody loves hot lesbian chicks, and when this Israeli actress took her top off on stage there wasn't a dry crotch in the house.

This German-Iranian cutie stripped down to her bra and panties, climbed on top of a chair and gave a fiery political speech that moved me to the core of my peepee stick.

Finally, here's an interesting question for you: when a man masturbates while thinking about a gay woman (and I do mean gay, like someone who would never bang a dude in a million years, not just one who fingers other chicks on camera for cash), does that necessarily mean that he's into rape fantasy? Because if it does, then I am such a worse person than I ever thought I was.

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Foolproof Pick-up Line #23

I have always been fascinated by the act of performing cunnilingus on a prostitute. Especially if she looks like the lovely Judy Greer!


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

John Carter of Mehs

Today I went to see John Carter, and it just wasn't very good. It was way too cheesy for its own good, I didn't care at all about any of the characters, the creature design wasn't very interesting (all the green dudes looked pretty much the same to me), Mars was all brown and dusty and depressing and the whole thing just felt more like a Disney cartoon circa 2000 ("funny" dog sidekick included) than a real movie. And while the fake 3D wasn't completely awful, there were still plenty of mistakes to distract me from the rest of the awfulness (it's a good thing I remembered to bring a pair of 2D glasses from home, which was very helpful during most of the Earth scenes). If you enjoy weird alien names and you like your movies to have more corn in them than a Romanian peasant's belly, John Carter is definitely the right choice for you. Otherwise, just watch Avatar again, where at least some of the freaky native life forms were hot.

Lynn Collins, Y U NO show your boobs more during your short time on True Blood???

You know what's weird though? Before the movie they showed a trailer for The Avengers, and I'll be darned if the fake 3D didn't look great! I am officially confused, and I'm going to have to think long and hard about it. Hopefully when the movie comes out in May everything will be cleared up.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

My Elaborate Purim Costume, 2012 Edition

Step 1: Get a black sweatshirt.

Step 2: Order some Batman symbol decals on eBay (for $1 a piece).

Step 3: ?????

Step 4: I AM THE BAT.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Why I'm Glad I'm Losing My Hair

This Made Sense Last Night

Today, not so much.

Booze nights are the best thing ever.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Truth Can Also Be Neat

Note: I could easily make one about a vagina (I've done something similar with an asshole a while back), but I just don't feel very comfortable drawing a body part I haven't had any physical contact with in over three decades. If memory serves me correctly, those things are huge, raw and dripping with dark blood and thick mucus. Yeah. That sounds about right. So they really aren't something I would like to commit to paper. Sorry ladies, better luck next time.

See also:

The Truth Hurts, Even When There's Two of You

See also:

The Truth Hurts

See also: