Thursday, September 27, 2012

I Think I Just Got Loopus!

Today I went to see Looper, the new R-rated neo-noir time travel sci-fi thriller written and directed by Rian Johnson (the brilliant mind behind Brick) starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt as a blonde with a southern accent and Piper Perabo as a hooker with adorable little boobies. Sounds like a recipe for a huge disappointment, doesn't it? Well, unfortunately for all you pessimistic assholes out there (me included, naturally), it is not. Looper is just as amazing a film as its premise makes it sound, and so much more. It's set 30 years in the future but it doesn't shove that fact down your throat, the acting is solid all around, the writing and directing are obviously of the highest quality imaginable, the time travel rules are a little weird but still extremely cool, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's makeup is totally freaky but not too distracting, and it literally has the best booty-call-via-frog scene I have ever seen in my entire life. If you're a fan of all that is good and pure, it does not get much better than this big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey cinematic stuff.

IMDB said Looper was rated R for nudity (among other awesome things), but I did not expect to see Ms. Perabo wearing nothing but her undies! Good stuff. Good, good stuff.

And eariler this week I went to see the new Resident Evil movie, but since it didn't seem to have a plot or a script or any acting to speak of I don't really have much to say about it, other than that I did have some fun staring at a 3D Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a couple of post-it notes, and that I'm definitely looking forward to the next movie in the franchise, mostly just because I really like flying monsters.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Haiku of the Day: Last Night on the Bus

When you spread your legs,
I can see your underwear.
White was a nice choice.

No, I did not get to see Tracy Spiridakos's undies last night, but I sure wish I could, because she is absolutely gorgeous and if there is one reason to watch Revolution, she is it. Whoever said Greek girls aren't hot was retarded.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Last Night at the Apoptygma Berzerk Concert

Update: and now there's a photo!

And the Most Awkward Clapping at a Concert award goes to...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Uncle Ben's DinoZoo!

I've been spending quite a bit of time lately thinking about building my very own zoo, except instead of animals, this zoo would have life-sized animatronic dinosaurs in huge cages, and animatronic pterosaurs in huge aviaries, and animatronic ichthyosaurs and plesiosaurs in gigantic aquariums. And they wouldn't be the kind you see in museums, where they just stand there and maybe roar a little every couple of minutes. No, my animatronic dinosaurs would walk around, fly, swim, fight each other, eat, poop, mate and basically act just like the real thing, except they'd be REALLY pissed off about being trapped in some lame 21st century cage, so every once in a while a couple of raptors would figure out how to open their cage and run free around the zoo and maybe eat a bunch of visitors to death, and I'd be all like, "hey, life finds a way!" and everybody would get the reference and laugh and forget all about the mutilated corpses. And then the dinozoo would become so popular and make me so much money that I'd be able to expand and start an animatronic cryptozoo, with animatronic dragons and sea monsters and griffins and grey aliens and unicorns and chupacabras and sasquatches and mermaids, and the mermaids wouldn't be all sexy and wearing seashells for bikini tops, no, they'd be all weird-looking and scaly and they'd have these long, razor-sharp teeth and they'd creep everybody out. And I'd name one of the sea monsters Nessie and program her to let me ride her in the giant sea monsters aquarium and I would love her and care for her and be her best and only friend and she would be mine and maybe, just maybe, I could then finally die a happy, happy boy.

(Note: this post was first published in my OkCupid profile, which is the only reason why it doesn't include any references to small children getting ripped apart by mechanical velociraptors or being thrown into the mermaid habitat for laughs.)

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Haiku of the Day: I Just Splooged a Rainbow in My Pants

Dear Alison Pill,
Your Twitter ineptitude:
A gift to mankind.

Seriously Ms. Pill, they are positively breathtaking and you have absolutely no reason to ever wear a top again EVER.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Improvement to the Democratic Process #38

In order to prove that she or he is not a filthy racist, each voter will be required to make out (tongue action + under the shirt stuff) with a person of a different ethnic background (and of the gender of their own choice) before being allowed to enter the voting booth.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Sexual Fantasy #47

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Role of Junk DNA Finally Revealed!

Apparently it is used to make human beings. The purpose of other DNA sequences still remains unknown.

The Most Interesting Fap in the World

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Awesome Junkyard Monsters!

This fantastic creation is the brainchild of artist Peter Poddubni (I hope that's the right spelling). Made of nothing but discarded old pieces of machinery, it was displayed last week at the Creation Cycle exhibition at the Yaffo port, and I WANT IT ALL FOR MYSELF.

(Photos courtesy of my Mom and her phone, since I didn't have my camera with me.)

Dear People: You are Awful

What follows is an incomplete list of oddly successful people whom I seriously dislike, in no particular order. All images have been resized in order to protect the readers' delicate ocular organs, as well as my own. This post will be updated in the future as I see fit. Enjoy!

Sofia Vergara is awful.
The highest paid actress in television is a loud, annoying and truly frightening monstrosity of a woman. Is everybody in North America on meth? Well played, Mr. White. Well played.

Ricky Gervais is awful.
This guy is as unfunny as he is smug, and everybody knows that the original British version of The Office doesn't hold a candle to the American version (or the Israeli one, for that matter.)

Ellen DeGeneres is awful.
Her wife may be totally hot, but this lady is still one of the most obnoxious television personalities of our times. No Mrs. DeGeneres, scissoring someone who is pretty and funny does not make you any prettier or funnier.

Fred Armisen is awful.
This guy must be some sort of evil genius for convincing the lovely Abby Elliott to allow him into her pants, but he's still as terrible and unfunny as they come, and the only good thing about Portlandia was the occasional Aubrey Plaza guest appearance.

Maya Rudolph is awful.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only reasonable explanation for the success of this hideously unattractive and utterly untalented actress is a remarkable talent for chugging dick. 

Larry David is awful.
Mr. David has obviously peaked over two decades ago, and since then has been the embodiment of a one-shtick ass. We get it, uncomfortable situations make you uncomfortable. Now please disappear.

Whitney Cummings is awful.
The reason nobody believes that you were born in 1982 isn't your late-30s looks, it's more because your shows have such an archaic style that they feel like they were conceived by a committee of a dozen 80-year-old Jewish TV execs. Kat Dennings must have the worst agent in the business.

Will Smith is awful.
I can't wait for movie-making technology to become advanced enough so they can edit this guy out of all the Men in Black movies and replace him with someone a little less horrible. Like, say, Snooki.

Catherine Tate is awful.
All by herself, this woman has rendered an entire season of Doctor Who completely unwatchable, which means that when she finally dies she's definitely going to Dalek hell.

Jimmy Kimmel is awful.
Sarah Silverman must have the lowest self-esteem of any woman on the face of the planet.

Tina Fey is awful.
This woman has single-handedly ruined SNL for all eternity. She must be so proud.