Monday, July 23, 2012

This is Not an In-depth Analysis of The Dark Knight Rises

This is just a photo of some big-tittied chick The Bat was dumb enough to risk his life for just because he got to bang her that one time. Silly Bat, hoots are for babies! (and for grown men who still think oversized mammary glands hold the key to their happiness.)

They are still rather spectacular, Marion Cotillard!

A slightly more detailed review follows in the form of haikus:

So how was the film?
Just as I had expected
Pretty darn awesome!

Christopher Nolan
You are a fine director
Why so serious?

Bane's not so scary
Couldn't see the bad guy's mouth
Stole Dragonheart's voice

Dear Anne Hathaway
You might want to eat something
You look malnourished

Were I into guys
I would bone Morgan Freeman
And Sir Michael Caine

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I am Officially a Dirty Old Man

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part VIII

Last night I went to this little fringe play with the sole purpose of ogling this attractive young actress. Mission: accomplished.

Lovely little boobies, great shiny teeth and the most adorable face one could expect to find on a female human. It does not get much better than this.

Bonus haiku:

Touched peepee again
How could anyone blame me?
She was amazing!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

They Call Me Ladykiller

I've been fine-tuning my OkCupid profile for a few months now, and I think that at this particular point in time it's entertaining enough to deserve a post of its very own. And so, here it is, complete and unabridged except for my profile photo and a few minor details. Enjoy!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Amazing Penis Parker

All I wanted was to see the lovely Emma Stone in 3D. Today I got to see her in a 3D movie (The Amazing Spider-Man, to be specific), but unless a highly skilled 3D technician is involved, that is hardly the same thing. So I'm not sure I got what I came for. What else can I say about the film? Umm... well, it certainly was a Spider-Man origin movie. That's about it. Oh, and I guess I still don't understand why they decided to cast a medium-sized turkey as Aunt May, but I suppose they had their reasons. That is all.

You may have pretty great gams, Emma Stone, but I have a feeling that your nipples are a bit on the irregular side. I dare you to prove me wrong!

Next booze night I'm totally going to watch 500 Days of Summer, Marc Webb's first movie, if only to see if the guy who directed music videos for Maroon 5, Pussycat Dolls and P. Diddy can make something that isn't completely generic. I just hope that it's entertaining enough for Drunk Ben to maintain a buzz worthy of a mid-week booze night.

Update: yes, yes he can. Also, Zooey Deschanel's character is a bitch.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Friday, July 6, 2012

I'm Such a Huge Fan!

Rabin Square, Tel-Aviv.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Dear David Cronenberg,

This week I saw your latest film, Cosmopolis, and it was okay I guess. It wasn't completely boring, but not particularly interesting either. I also saw Prometheus today for the second time, and so I've arrived at this single conclusion: you should really think about going back to making movies about exploding heads, amphibian game consoles, stomach VHS vaginas, man-eating slugs, human flies and drug peddling lizard mutants, because if I wanted to see Robert Pattinson doing his impression of Kristen Stewart for an hour and a half, I would just, well, I'd probably kill myself for wanting to see that. So, you know. If Ridley Scott can go back to his slimy roots, so can you.

With kind regards,

And oh yeah, Charlize Theron looks even hotter in Prometheus the second time around. The rumors online say that in the director's cut blu-ray her ass will get a much bigger role. Good for her!

Monday, July 2, 2012

I Couldn't Stop Thinking About Firecrotches the Entire Time

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part VII

This lovely and extremely talented actress grew up in the same town I grew up in, and she's only three years younger than I am, so there's a pretty good chance that she and I have never met when we were kids. Enjoy!

Is that her natural hair color? I DON'T CARE. It's amazing either way.

Bonus haiku:

From second row seat
Saw redhead in underwear
Touched my own peepee

And no one was any the wiser. I'm sneaky that way.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Photos from the General Schwarzwald Area, Part II

Here's what I've been listening to on our tour bus for seven straight days:

"It's too hot in here!"
"It's too cold in here!"
"I'm hungry!"
"I need to go to the bathroom!"
"I'm gonna pee my pants!"
"There are too many cathedrals in Germany!"
"I'm sick of cathedrals!"
"I didn't come here to see cathedrals!"
"The roads in Germany are too damn long!"
"The Black Forest is just a bunch of trees!"
"I'm not in the mood to see trees right now!"

This would have made some sense if it were a family tour with lots of small children. In reality, most of the people on the bus were in their 60s and 70s. How fun. Anyway, here are some more photos, featuring a statue of a creepy priest feeling up a baby, a car that's been in The Lost World: Jurassic Park and the rash I got from some mean plant while trying to pet a cow (which later turned out to be a boy-cow).

Photos from the General Schwarzwald Area, Part I

So, last week I got back to the Middle East, and yeah, my time in Germany was sort of amazing, but as usual, there was one thing that totally blew me away: German chicks. Oh my god, German chicks. Oh. My. God. German chicks. Seriously. German chicks. I cannot stress this enough. German chicks, oh my god. Now here's a bunch of poorly taken and utterly boobless photos, featuring a dead insect, vegan sausages and an adorable puppy!