Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Merry Jewish Christmas!

Jewish Christmas is that magical time of the year when Jewish dorks everywhere put up little plastic trees on their desks and place dragons, skulls and pigs under them. Happy holidays everybody! I guess I hope you don't die a too horrible death in 2011!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Knock on the sky, listen to the sound

Today I went to see Tron: Legacy and found that it is easily the best thing the good evil people at Disney have produced in the last 70 years, which shouldn't really say much, but it totally does! I mean, sure, the CGI Jeff Bridges looks like it was animated by Pixar (that's not a good thing) and the 3D wasn't all that impressive, but other than that it was the best movie I've seen all year that wasn't Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The visuals are breathtaking, the action scenes are fantastic, the story is very cool and sort of dark (in a PG sort of way), both simple and complex and never too stupid or boring, just like one would expect from a script written by the guys who wrote and produced most of Lost, and if you're a fan of Daft Punk or of cool music in general then you're in for a treat, because the movie's score is one of the best ones I have ever, ever heard. The acting was OK too, in the sense that I was never really offended by any of the actors' performances. I even finally get now why everybody always says Olivia Wilde is so hot! It took quite a drastic makeover, and it's not like I'm going to start watching House now, but I definitely wouldn't mind playing Hide the Cocktail Weenie with her. Tron: Legacy is everything the original Tron wanted to be but couldn't and so, so much more, and I'm definitely going to see it again as soon as I at least partially recover from the effects of the explosive audio-visual orgasm that this movie is. Oh, and speaking of the original Tron, I watched it again a few days ago to prepare myself for the new movie and I think that all things considered it still holds up pretty nicely, and that the reason that the CGI sequences in it are so, well, ugly, isn't the limitations of '80s technology, but the fact that it was created by '80s computer geeks who may or may not have been color blind. It was the '80s after all, a time in history when color blindness seemed to be a global epidemic. I just hope that the new movie's merchandise that's going to be available online now will be nothing but boring, useless crap, otherwise my poor little credit card is going to be in big, big trouble.

Olivia Wilde looks even nicer as a freaky cyber organism!

So, anyway, I was watching this obese, middle-aged woman with no clothes on sucking on a chubby dude half her age on live webcam this morning, when suddenly it hit me: I really need a girlfriend. Sigh.

And here is a bonus haiku, based on a true story:

I saw this biker
Who looked just like Jek Porkins
I was left speechless

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Show me your kitty!!!

I got some used Lords of Acid CDs in the mail today, and I couldn't be happier about them! I haven't tried to see if they actually work yet and I don't think I'm going to any time soon, because I already have all of them on my MP3 player. Don't they look pretty though!

A kitty getting high on pot



Super cute!!!

Not napping in a plant pot, but still pretty cute!

Tragically, no one was killed

The roof of this gas station had collapsed during a storm earlier this week. Unfortunately, it did not explode in a ball of fire and did not kill dozens of innocent bystanders. How lame is that?!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's scary how clean the pool is!

Today I went to see Paranormal Activity 2, and I suppose I had a reasonably good time. It's pretty much like the first one, only with a lovely Sprague Grayden and an adorable German Shepherd. And a cute little teenage girl. And a whiny little baby too, I guess. Most of it is just more of the same stuff from its predecessor, with long boring parts, a few good scares here and there and a fun, creepy ending. If I didn't like seeing horror films at the movies so much I'd probably just wait a couple of months and watch it at home with some cheap booze instead of in a theater crawling with horny, Hanukkah vacation-crazed teenagers.

Ms. Grayden may not look as hot as she did on SFU, but she's still pretty darn cute!

However, the coolest thing about Paranormal Activity 2 is easily the yellow ladybug-shaped pool cleaner robot thingy they have in their pool. It looks so fun and awesome! When I grow up I'm totally getting one for myself. Right after I get a pool. And a home of my own. And the ability to take my shirt off in front of others.


Finally, here's a bonus haiku that has absolutely nothing to do with this post:

Exhaust pipes are hot
Both in the temperature way
And the sexy one

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Not quite as scary as 23 shots in the stomach

A few days ago I went to see Kalevet (rabies), known in this particular part of the world as the first Israeli horror movie, even though it's like the third or something, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a film that is actually fun to watch and not too dumb or embarrassing. The plot is simple enough: a bunch of attractive people run around a forest and kill each other one by one. There's also some stuff about incest and jealousy and police brutality, but mostly it's about character interactions and the resulting deaths. Not that you get to actually see much gore-wise, except two severed fingers and a guy who makes a silly face to simulate a broken jaw. One could argue that the fact that most of the violence is executed off screen is due to the ridiculously low budget, but in my opinion if a horror director says that they didn't have the budget to do something, what they actually mean is that they weren't inventive enough to pull it off with the money they had. They even got the fake blood from overseas, when I'm pretty sure you can make perfectly reasonable fake blood out of corn syrup and food coloring! That's just lazy. What turns Kalevet from a silly little attempt at genre filmmaking into something truly worthwhile are two of the sexiest scenes in the history of Israeli cinema, both starring a lovely young actress by the name of Yael Grobglas. One features Ms. Grobglas squatting gracefully on the ground and peeing, while in the other she gets sort of finger-raped by a police officer during a rather thorough frisk search. Once again you don't really get to see much, but the expression on her face is absolutely priceless. Really good stuff. Kalevet has way too many celebrity actors for its own good and very little structure, but it looks kind of nice and is pretty entertaining in its own way, and at this point in time it's not like one can ask much more than that of an Israeli production. Now if only I could stop thinking about what color panties little Ms. Grobglas is wearing at the moment for more than two minutes maybe I could actually get some sleep!

Welcome to the digital age, Yael Grobglas!

Bonus haiku:

I like horror flicks
They show people's inside parts
And sometimes boobs too

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Boozy haikus!

Some afterthoughts on a family event I have attended earlier this week, in haiku form:

I really like beer
Because it makes me happy
And it tastes like beer

Most red wines are gross
They taste nothing like fresh grapes
What is up with that?

Scotch is a man's drink
But if you're a fat loser
Then it's okay too

I've recently learned
That Cava is just white wine
With bubbles in it

Masturbating drunk
Is a dangerous habit
When you don't use lube