Uncle Ben's DinoZoo!

I've been spending quite a bit of time lately thinking about building my very own zoo, except instead of animals, this zoo would have life-sized animatronic dinosaurs in huge cages, and animatronic pterosaurs in huge aviaries, and animatronic ichthyosaurs and plesiosaurs in gigantic aquariums. And they wouldn't be the kind you see in museums, where they just stand there and maybe roar a little every couple of minutes. No, my animatronic dinosaurs would walk around, fly, swim, fight each other, eat, poop, mate and basically act just like the real thing, except they'd be REALLY pissed off about being trapped in some lame 21st century cage, so every once in a while a couple of raptors would figure out how to open their cage and run free around the zoo and maybe eat a bunch of visitors to death, and I'd be all like, "hey, life finds a way!" and everybody would get the reference and laugh and forget all about the mutilated corpses. And then the dinozoo would become so popular and make me so much money that I'd be able to expand and start an animatronic cryptozoo, with animatronic dragons and sea monsters and griffins and grey aliens and unicorns and chupacabras and sasquatches and mermaids, and the mermaids wouldn't be all sexy and wearing seashells for bikini tops, no, they'd be all weird-looking and scaly and they'd have these long, razor-sharp teeth and they'd creep everybody out. And I'd name one of the sea monsters Nessie and program her to let me ride her in the giant sea monsters aquarium and I would love her and care for her and be her best and only friend and she would be mine and maybe, just maybe, I could then finally die a happy, happy boy.


(Note: this post was first published in my OkCupid profile, which is the only reason why it doesn't include any references to small children getting ripped apart by mechanical velociraptors or being thrown into the mermaid habitat for laughs.)

Photos from the General Schwarzwald Area, Part II

Here's what I've been listening to on our tour bus for seven straight days:

"It's too hot in here!"
"It's too cold in here!"
"I'm hungry!"
"I need to go to the bathroom!"
"I'm gonna pee my pants!"
"There are too many cathedrals in Germany!"
"I'm sick of cathedrals!"
"I didn't come here to see cathedrals!"
"The roads in Germany are too damn long!"
"The Black Forest is just a bunch of trees!"
"I'm not in the mood to see trees right now!"

This would have made some sense if it were a family tour with lots of small children. In reality, most of the people on the bus were in their 60s and 70s. How fun. Anyway, here are some more photos, featuring a statue of a creepy priest feeling up a baby, a car that's been in The Lost World: Jurassic Park and the rash I got from some mean plant while trying to pet a cow (which later turned out to be a boy-cow).

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).


In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Plastic Dinosaurs of the '80s!

From deep within the archives of the Coleslaw Museum of Natural History, comes an exciting new exhibition showcasing a wide range of over 17 awful yet totally cool toy dinosaurs! These exquisite lifelike models, painstakingly collected during the 1980s and early '90s, are in no way physiologically or anatomically correct, but aren't they just awesome???

Welcome!

Roar! We're scary and we walk on two legs!

Roar! There are two of me! But which one am I???

Roar! I'm probably supposed to be some sort of duck-billed herbivore, but I'm still pretty scary!

Roar! I'm a scary T-rex!

See? It says so right on my belly! It also says I was made in China in 1978!

Chinese scientists discovered in the late '70s that T-rex had blue eyes and poorly painted teeth!

Roar! We're supposed to be scary dimetrodons!

Roar! I'm a yellow and brown dimetrodon!

Roar! I'm a white and blue dimetrodon!

Roar! I'm a yellow and red dimetrodon and my back thingy is kind of crooked, but that's ok because I still get laid more often than some of you!

I'm a dimetrodon too, but I'm nice, so I won't roar at you.

We are sauropods!

Roar! I'm a big scary sauropod!

I'm a sauropod too, but I'm not scary at all, and on my free time I enjoy playing Mahjong solitaire.

I'm a sauropod too, and OMG WHAT'S THAT THING BEHIND ME?!?!?!

Roar! Two of us are stegosaurs!

I am a kindhearted and mild mannered stegasaurus. Wherever I go, my friendly smile lights up the room! 

Roar! I'm a scary stegosaurus, and that previous guy is a fucking pussy!

Roar! I'm some sort of ankylosaurid, maybe?

And we're the guys nobody else likes. Sigh.

I'm some kind of bird. Yay.

Roar! I'm an awesome triceratops! Why aren't there any more of us here?! This sucks!

Uh.... I got nothing. If you know what I am, please let me know. It would be most appreciated.

And finally, a special exhibit: two glow in the dark skeletons!

Roar! We're both dead!

(Posted while mildly intoxicated. Kindly excuse any unusually stupid content, and bless you for reading.)

The Wonderful World of Early 90s Circus Dinosaurs!

From deep within the Coleslaw vaults: photos taken about two decades ago at a side exhibition on the grounds of the Italian Medrano Circus in Tel-Aviv. They sure make me long for a more innocent time, when dinosaurs were appreciated simply for being large and freaky, and no one really gave a poop about scientific inaccuracies!

The world's single most awesome triceratops!!!

A cute pterodactyl!

A sad looking  dimetrodon next to an orangutan!

Makes perfect sense to me! 

A smiling stegosaurus! 

A scary tyrannosaurus!

What has big teeth and ends with rribili? 

A baby godzilla!

And a funny looking bird!