Sunday, January 31, 2010

Stare Wars

Today I went to see The Men Who Stare at Goats, starring Ewan McGregor and George Clooney and Kevin Spacey as well as a bunch of actors who aren't total douches, and I found it somewhat enjoyable. Not great, but enjoyable. After I've managed to get over the fact that I couldn't sit in my favourite spot in the theater because sitting behind a group of these dumb noisy broads who were obviously there to see 'the new George Clooney movie' would have made me bleed my own body weight in guts out my ears (gawd I hate broads) I learned that young Obi-Wan's smokin' hot redheaded wife had left him for a cyborg with a robot's arm, I guess because some chicks just prefer the sensation of metal fingers in their bodies, and so in order to regain the bitch's affection or something he decides to go all the way over to the smelly Middle East and cover the war in Iraq for some newspaper he works for or some such thing. After spending some time at a fancy hotel, sitting by the pool and doing shots out of 14 year old Arab belly buttons and making quasi-obscene phone calls to his wife, he meets this old dude with a mustache who tells him that he used to be a part of some top secret military project back in the '60s that was supposed to develop super soldiers with paranormal abilities who'd be able to win wars peacefully, sort of. Together they go out into dusty Iraq in order to complete some sort of important secret mission, one that neither of them is quite sure about the nature of, which results in the usual chain of unusual events, including getting kidnapped by terrorists, getting shot at by American private contractors and getting completely lost in the middle of the desert. There's a lot of talking in this movie about paranormal stuff like walking through walls, invisibility, mind control, remote viewing and of course the ability to kill humans (and poor little goats, and poor little hamsters) by merely looking at them, but naturally there's very little of any of it onscreen, which I thought was a damn shame. Instead of a fun movie about nutty hippie soldiers with crazy super powers who save the free world at the last minute from evil, water-thirsty sand people (also known in some parts of the universe as Tusken Raiders) what we get here is a story that's mostly about sad, broken men with sad, broken dreams. The Men Who Stare at Goats was inspired by a book of the same name and it shows, and not in a good way. The movie keeps going back to show you how the unit was first formed and trained, and I'm not saying that this going back and forth is confusing or even uninteresting, but it certainly does break the flow of the story to a point where I just didn't care anymore about any of these odd, self-deluded men. And I definitely know a thing or two about odd, self-deluded individuals. I don't know, maybe it was the constant yapping in a language I didn't quite recognize from the second row, but I couldn't really connect with this movie on an emotional level. There were plenty of Star Wars references to keep me entertained, and the New Mexico desert posing for Iraq really does look a lot like Tatooine, but ultimately it just didn't leave me with much of anything.

And apparently Nessie is the ghost of a dinosaur!

And onto a whole other Middle Eastern war. Last night I went to see Waltz with Bashir at the Tel-Aviv cinematheque, even though I have already seen it twice at the movies and also own a copy of the limited edition DVD, because I really really like it and it was really cheap. Also, there was free beer, something I can rarely say no to. What I like about this movie is that even though it's animated and it's sort of like a documentary about the Lebanon War, large parts of it look and feel like a real movie, and an extremely cool one at that, something that most Israeli films never even come close to. Ari Folman's next project is a very loose adaptation of Stanislaw Lem's The Futurological Congress that will star Robin Wright and combine animation with live action, and I can't wait for it to finally be finished so I could finally have an Israeli movie that is actually good and doesn't have anything to do with boring wars, even if it will be in English and the star is some lady who may or may not have been hot way back in the '80s.

Friday, January 29, 2010


I drew this silly little doodle on a small piece of paper as a reminder that I have to go and get a blood test in the morning, something I've been dreading for weeks. The day after the mean ol' nurse stole my precious blood, when my little brother saw it on the fridge, it kinda freaked him out. It was probably the location of the needle on the arm that he found most disturbing, but I still think it was pretty hilarious.

Based on a true story

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Do you fancy my dinosaur?

Last night I've finally finished watching all three seasons of Primeval, a British creature feature type of TV show created by the guys who made all those Walking With docus, and I really really liked all of it. See, one day these crazy anomalies that look like big shiny chandeliers start appearing all around the city of London. An anomaly is a space-time portal that seems to open up at random, then stays open long enough to allow some scaly creature from another time to pass through and scare a bunch of hapless British bystanders and finally closes down just as abruptly. Naturally you need a team of specialists to deal with the whole phenomenon, and that's exactly what we get here. The self-appointed head expert on anomalies is Nick Cutter, a professor of Paleontology whose bitch of a wife has disappeared eight years ago. Apparently she's been traveling through anomalies all this time, getting only bitchier and bitchier every day, until finally she's decided to return to the present for a while and become the show's main villain. Professor Cutter has a rather dashing young assistant who also used to bang Mrs. Cutter back when she wasn't walking with dinosaurs, which is totally gross. Joining them is some tech geek who's totally into dinosaurs and has even geekier friends, and an insanely adorable zoo chick whose speciality is taking care of reptiles, played by the lovely Hannah Spearritt of S Club 7, um, fame. Rounding up the cast is the uptight government douche who's in charge of the whole operation, played rather aptly by some sort of unfunny comedian, and the cute government chick who works for him, played by the deliciously voluptuous Lucy Brown. The thing is, with no offence to the human characters in Primeval, its real stars are the prehistoric and future creatures that pop up here and there and wreak wonderful havoc wherever they go. Now, I've always adored dinosaurs, but I kinda hate documentaries, so I was always ambivalent about Walking with Dinosaurs and all those other type of 'let's produce semi-realistic dinosaur animation and not do anything interesting with the result' shows. This, however, and pure dino fun! You get all sorts of dinosaurs, both big and small, meat eaters and herbivores, realistic or slightly modified to fit the needs of the story, and they are all beautifully animated, interacting seamlessly with their very British surroundings and generally looking extremely cool. You get pterasuars roaming the skies and ichtyyosaurs (my favorites!) munching on swimmers in public pools. You get mammoths stomping cars, giant ancient rhinos throwing four wheelers up in the air and people who adopt sabertooth tigers as pets. You even get a bunch of adorable dodos who go around bumping into things and getting kidnapped! And as if that's not enough, you also get creatures from the future, like giant insects and creepy looking seals and camouflage gremlins and these vicious carnivorous beasts that were somehow evolved from bats! And, there's also plenty of human eye candy as well. Hannah Spearritt seems to only get younger and cuter and prettier with each and every episode, and it sure doesn't hurt that she keeps prancing around her apartment in her undies, supposedly because her pet prehistoric flying reptile likes it warm. I love it how being attracted to her makes me feel like a total pedo, even though she's only about a year younger than me. Also, I'm way too old to be able to say that the S Club 7 TV shows used to be my porn, but I still like to say it anyway. My only concern with Ms. Spearritt is that her shoulders look extremely freckled, which is, you know, pretty adorable, but I also really hope that she knows how to take care of her skin because cancer is definitely not sexy (not even the boob kind). It took me a while to realize just how hot Lucy Brown really is, but as soon as she got out of that business suit she's been wearing for most of the first season it became pretty obvious, and even more so after a time shift between the first and second seasons had changed her character pretty drastically, among other things. I really hated to see her character leave the show in the middle of the third season, along with Professor Cutter, but I guess the new characters aren't too bad. Primeval was cancelled after only three seasons, but it was later resurrected and two new seasons are supposed to be aired in 2011, and this time in HD, so in about a year we'll finally be able see just how good the CGI really is. Now if only I could get Primeval in 3D HD, then I could truly be happy.

Hannah Spearritt wants your lizard!

I also watched Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine yesterday, a spy spoof from 1965 in which the awesome Vincent Price plays a mad scientist who creates an army of scorching hot bikini fembots who go out and marry rich men for their money. It's a pretty hilarious film, full of gorgeous '60s babes and delightful '60s dialogs ("What's a rotten girl like you doing in a nice place like this?") and fun '60s music and I really liked it. I guess now I just have to look the sequel up.

Lucy Brown looks pretty nice when she's not dressed like a dude

And earlier this week I watched The Time Traveler's Wife, and it was pretty much what I had expected. I've actually read the book a couple of years ago (it was on sale), but I didn't go see the movie when it first came out because I just didn't feel too comfortable paying to see something this girly. Or, as a wise person had once put it, because I'm a total pussy.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I love a good mystery, don't you?

Yesterday I went to see the hilariously titled The Box, starring some chick who used to be hot in the '90s and the too-handsome-to-be-taken-seriously Cyclops dude, written and directed by a guy who thinks that CGI liquid thingies are really cool and not lame at all and based on a short story by Richard Matheson, and I actually really liked it. Arthur and Norma are a happily married couple who live in 1976 with some sort of a kid and are having some sort of financial problems. Arthur works for NASA, but apparently someone up there thinks he's too kooky to go into outer space, even though he seems to have just the right look to be an astronaut in the '70s. Norma is a school teacher, and her tuition discount was just canceled. She also has a weird crazy foot which her students keep making fun of and rightly so, as freaks belong in the zoo, not in our schools. One morning they find a spooky cardboard box on their doorstep, containing a cool looking contraption with a big red button on top inside a locked glass dome. Later that day Norma gets a visit from a Frank Langella-looking sort of dude who happens to have a large chunk of his face missing, but it's not like it's one of the more important chunks of one's face, so it's pretty easily overlooked, unless you happen to have two eyes and a stomach. The bigger freak gives the other one the key to the button thingy and tells her that if the shiny red button is pressed she and her husband will get a million dollars, which I guess was sort of impressive back in the '70s, and they'll also be responsible for the death of another human being, one that they don't know anything about. For a while there she pretends like she actually gives a poop about what her husband has to say, but eventually her natural womanly evil kicks in and she just presses the button on a whim, and once the deed has been done all heck obviously breaks loose. I've never really liked Donnie Darko, despite the sheer adorableness of a teenage Jena Malone, but The Box got me thinking that perhaps if I had seen it first on the big screen I would have enjoyed it a lot more, because I absolutely loved that shaking WTF sensation I've experienced this time. The basic concept is a pretty simple one, and once you know that the whole story is set against the first successful Mars landing it becomes pretty obvious that you're dealing with some sort of alien intelligence that thinks it's so high and mighty that it gets to judge us mere humans and tell us what's right and what's wrong. The way I see it, if people are willing to press a button to get a poopload of cash, even though they're told that it would result in someone's death, it doesn't mean that they're immoral creatures, it simply means that their imagination is not developed enough to consider the possibility that such a suggestion is in fact genuine. There's quite a lot of weird stuff going on in this movie, like alien possessions and gooie interdimensional portals and a bunch of religious crap I guess I wasn't smart enough to follow, so even though not everything about it made sense I was left pretty satisfied in the end. Cameron Diaz and James Marsden are just sort of OK, but Frank Langella is the one who really shines here with a performance that is so believably creepy that I would have totally bought him as a vessel for an alien god even if the CGI facial deformity hasn't been executed flawlessly. It was also really nice to see Gillian Jacobs playing a teenage babysitter who obviously isn't a teenager, because she's really very pretty and I've been totally into her ever since I saw her play a borderline retarded stripper in Choke. I still haven't decided which movie has the funnier title, this one or Snatch, but either way I'm very happy that I got to see The Box after all, and I guess that now I really do have to watch Southland Tales and see if Buffy can actually play a character that doesn't pork vamps.

Gillian Jacobs looks even cuter with her shirt off!

And today I finally watched the 90 minute Caprica pilot, and it was totally OMG so good I wanted to throw up just so I could have it for the first time all over again! I haven't even finished watching the first season of Battlestar Galactica, so I guess that some things went right over my head, but I'm really excited about this one. A little naked boobs plus a little gore plus crazy monotheistic robots equals loads and loads of fun! And Eric Stoltz is pretty good, but I've gotta say that while redheaded chicks can be pretty damn hot, ginger dudes are just plain gross. If Mr. Stoltz wants to get more work, he should probably consider gender reassignment surgery. Just imagine: an Eric Stoltz with a fake vagina under a big orange bush! And if that's not hot, then I don't know what is!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Help! There's a scary fat dude in my mirror!

Today I watched Mirrors, a horror movie starring Jack Bauer and directed by Alexandre Aja, and I guess I somewhat enjoyed it despite it's obvious flaws. The world's nuttiest CTU agent plays Ben, a guy who used to be a cop or something before some sort of deeply tragic tragedy happened in his life, so now he has to work as the night guard at this creepy, burnt down, abandoned department store. And as if that's not enough, his perky-nippled Latina wife has recently kicked him out of their home because she didn't approve of his boozing habits, so now he has to play roommates with his Amy Smart-looking sister. Boo hoo! If I had a sister who looked like Amy Smart I'd do virtually anything to be removed from my bitchy wife and whiny kids and finally shack up with my hot baby sis! The problem is that there's something seriously wrong with the mirrors at the big old department store. They keep killing people using their own reflections, so I guess that means that they're possessed by grumpy demons or something. Ben starts seeing some pretty weird special effects in mirrors, and when people start to die around him and still nobody seems to give two poops about his wacky stories about haunted mirrors he has to stand alone in the war against reflective surfaces (including framed pictures, windows, metal door knobs and even water). Now, I really like Alexandre Aja's earlier films. Haute Tension and the Hills Have Eyes remake were fun and dark and very gory, so when I heard about Mirrors I was pretty curious, despite the awful reviews. Unfortunately, this movie is mostly just silly. It's rated R, so the gore tends to be pretty damn awesome, but everything else plays out like your average PG-13 ghost story, only with lots more F words. Most of the time it just alternates between spook house-type scenes in the dark department store and sappy, badly written family melodrama. Here and there you get some really cool stuff, but it usually gets lost in that thick brush of movie clichés. Like, for example, there's this hysterically cool scene where somebody's jaw gets ripped clean off their face, but instead of everybody getting scared and angry and even more determined to fight whoever it was that did it, you get Kiefer Sutherland trying to pretend he's crying. Why would anyone want to see that sort of long, dramatic mourning scenes in a movie where people slice their own throats open or get their jaws ripped off?! What a total buzz kill. Kiefer Sutherland is a pretty limited actor, which seems to work just fine in stuff like 24, but I didn't buy his character here at all. Amy Smart is a pretty cool chick, so it's a damn shame how she's got pretty much nothing to do in this movie except showing us her naked back side, sideboob included. And it was pretty hilarious to see the dude from Primeval fake an American accent as the cool forensics guy. Gawd knows I haven't been able to look straight into a mirror in years, so by no means am I a stranger to the highly disturbing creepiness factor that they posses, but this movie didn't come even remotely close to getting it right. Still, I'm pretty optimistic about Piranha 3D (killer fish, right in your lap!), Aja's next project, because it sounds like just the sort of sleaze-fest that could make up nicely for this failed effort.

Sadly, Amy smart has a rather mediocre butt

I've recently started watching Undeclared and it's really very good and all, but right now my point is that I just don't understand why Monica Keena isn't a huge movie star. I mean, I know she's probably had some work done, but jebus, just look at her! I don't think I've seen her in anything since I saw Freddy vs. Jason at the movies (twice), but I have absolutely no reason to believe she's any less hot these days, and I'm totally looking forward to seeing her in the upcoming Night of the Demons remake, because she has the sort of looks that make me wish I still had fully functional genitalia.

Monica Keena wants you to snort powdered sugar off her tummy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Attack of the Gloomy Clones

Today I watched Moon, a science fiction drama starring Sam Rockwell and directed by some guy who came out of David Bowie's loins. I think that means his bellybutton or something. In Moon Sam Rockwell's character, who is also named Sam, is all alone in some remote lunar base where he's single-handedly in charge of operating a mining station that harvests the moon's precious something-or-other that fuels up planet Earth these days, now that it's been dried out of all fossil fuels, accompanied only by a robot-type thingy named Gerty. Sam's three-year mission is about to end, so he's pretty darn excited about finally going back home to his big tittied blonde wife and his adorable little girl, who he himself admits was probably conceived by the milkman. Why the cheating whore would want to bump uglies with a guy who hasn't had a real job since the '60s is way beyond me, but I guess some chicks are just completely into losers, and all I can do is hope that some day I'll get to meet one of them myself. The thing is, a few days before a ship is supposed to pick him up, Sam has a little accident that results in him finding out the truth about his work situation. As it turns out, Sam is nothing but a mere clone, one of many that have been operating the mining station for years now, each one for three years. After his accident the system automatically brought a new clone to life, so now both the old Sam and the new one are forced to do the whole roommates thing for a while until the pickup gets there or until the old Sam turns into a bloody mess and expires, as clones tend to do after their three-year run is over. I guess it's an OK movie, even if it's not the masterpiece everybody claims it is, but my main problem with it was that I see absolutely no reason to use clones to run a lunar station. Being all by myself on a gigantic lifeless rock, doing minimal work and spending most of my time watching old TV shows has always been my dream job, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I mean, there's no way I'd ever take Bewitched DVDs up there like Sam here did, but I definitely wouldn't mind taking something along the lines of the entire Star Trek collection along with me, including all 726 episodes of all 29 seasons of all six shows plus all the feature films, and watching it all until my eyes start to bleed. So wouldn't employing a single antisocial dork make much more financial sense than going through all the trouble of creating an entire army of fully functional human clones, complete with false memories and the fake video footage to back them up? Ugh. Anyway, Sam Rockwell is actually really good here. His interaction with himself throughout the entire film is completely convincing, and not just because the effects work is near-flawless (despite the comparatively low budget). He's also pretty much the only actor in the movie, as you only get to see other people on these tiny little computer screens, the only exception being a dream or something that Sam has about nailing his wife. I really hope they pack lots and lots of hand lotion or something in lunar bases, otherwise their clones are going to damage themselves pretty badly. I kinda liked Moon, even though it didn't rock my world or anything. I just hope that I'll still be alive when they start sending people into outer space to do boring, repetitive and fairly easy jobs, so that in the end my life wouldn't be a complete failure.

Kevin Spacey's performance has never been this convincing

And yesterday I watched the final Doctor Who specials with David Tennant and they were pretty damn good, even though I still think that a Doctor without some sort of purdy little chickypoo at his side is sort of pointless, and except for that special with Michelle Ryan from last year we haven't had that since 2006. David Tennant was a really good Doctor and he will definitely be missed. The new one seems way too young and handsome and the new companion was born in 1987, so I guess it's going to be a show for teenagers from now on. Oh well. I guess I can always just have some pantsless fun with the first two seasons, the ones with Billie Piper, or better yet, with Secret Diary of a Call Girl episodes. Go Britain! I wish you'd never left the smelly Holyland!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'm not your friggin' mommy!

Today I watched Orphan, yet another horror drama starring Vera Farmiga about a creepy little child who lies and manipulates and sometimes even commits murder, and I really really liked it! In this movie Vera already has two kids, an adorable little girl who is cute as a button but can't hear too good and a preteen douche who thinks that pressing colored keys in the right order makes him a rock star, but ever since her last attempt at hatching an offspring resulted in a whole lot of vagina blood and a big ugly scar across her belly she's been turned into a big sloppy wino. Time goes by, and now that she's been more or less off the sauce for about a year she thinks she's finally ready to add another member to the family and replace the dead fetus by adopting a child that didn't pop out of her insides, and so she drags her poor husband to this depressing orphanage that's being run by a bunch of sex-starved Jesus freak chicks, including one who looks just like the awesome CCH Pounder. While Vera is browsing around for fresh meat, her husband finds this cute little girl with some sort of Russian accent sitting alone in an empty classroom and working on these really cool paintings that no real child could ever be capable of producing. Little Esther seems really nice and intelligent and extremely polite and not at all bratty, so they decide to take her home with them and see how things go. At first everything seems just fine, but as it turns out, Esther is somewhat of an evil demon child and bad things keep happening whenever she's around, like little girls who accidentally fall off of slides, little boys who are accidentally threatened with castration and nuns who get accidentally bludgeoned to death with hammers. Seriously, you haven't truly lived until you've seen a small child hammer a nun's cranium into a messy, bloody pulp. Truly delicious stuff. 12 year old Isabelle Fuhrman is absolutely incredible as the titular orphan girl, and I see many great and creepy things in her future, despite the fact that without the weird old-fashioned clothes they dressed her up in here she looks like a pretty normal little girl and almost not at all like a homicidal maniac. It usually distracts me when I see children facing distinctly adult situations in movies, because the reality of the situation is that kids in movies are almost always portrayed by actual children, but her performance is so convincing it just sucked me into the disturbing creepiness of the whole story. Vera Farmiga is once again a mother who has to protect her children from their evil sibling while dealing with a husband who is completely clueless to the whole thing, but she's still a very good actress so I didn't really mind watching her do her bits from Joshua all over again. The the guy who plays her husband is OK too, not that he has much to do here other than stick it to her doggy style and get a bunch of inappropriate propositions from various females. Now, naturally I wanted the big reveal in the end of the movie to be of a supernatural nature, like having the little girl turn into a gigantic soul eating demon with bat wings and a pointy tail, but the actual twist is so much more awesome than I could have possibly imagined, so I was extremely satisfied with it. Orphan has been criticised for supposedly scaring off people who may be considering adoption themselves, but if you're seriously thinking about making life altering decisions based on a horror movie then you're a friggin' retard who probably shouldn't be adopting a child in the first place. The only useful thing horror movies can teach you is how to survive a zombie holocaust, everything else is nothing but pure entertainment. Orphan is a delightfully creepy film that I've enjoyed tremendously, and so once again I have to point out the complete and utter uselessness of the tiny dicked assholes in charge of theaters here who never gave me the chance to see it on a really big screen. May their tiny black souls rot in Heck.

Isabelle Fuhrman. Creepy is the new cute!

A few weeks ago I saw the new Sherlock Holmes, but I didn't write anything about it because, well, I didn't have much to write about it. Robert Downey Jr. is always pretty cool, but the whole thing was just sort of meh. I guess there's a good reason why I've never seen a Guy Ritchie movie before. It's just not my type of thing. The only cool thing about his entire career in my opinion is the fact that he's actually made a movie called Snatch. He. He. Hehe. Snatch! Hehe. He. Uh, yeah, I've recently downloaded all 200 episodes of Beavis and Butthead and I've been watching at least a couple of them every day. Hehe. He. Hehe.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Robocop's Wacky Adventures through Time and Space!

Last week I finished watching Odyssey 5 for the second time, and was once again deeply saddened by its early demise. Odyssey 5 is a Canadian science fiction TV show from 2002 about the crew of a space shuttle that gets rescued by some crazy space alien who looks like The Well-Manicured Man from The X Files after the entire earth is destroyed for some reason. In order to cancel this event out, the alien being transports the minds of all five surviving crew members five years back in time and into their five years younger bodies, in the hope that they'll somehow be able to prevent their smelly little planet from going ka-boom. The freakishly awesome Peter Weller played Chuck Taggart, the senior astronaut that got stuck trying to save the earth along with his brat of a son, some creepy foreign dude and, as if to make matters even worse, a couple of crazy broads. Together they had to fight these scary cyberspace artificial intelligence life forms called Sentients, and their physical manifestations called Synthetics. Synthetics can look just like regular people, so you have to be real careful, because just about anyone can be a Synth. They might even be in the same room with you right now, and you'll never be able to tell! So you really can't trust anyone anymore, especially not people with no fingerprints (or people with no male genitalia, but that's a whole other matter). Kinda like in a million other sci-fi shows, but still done in a pretty interesting way. Peter Weller is nothing but pure magic, and he completely owned every single second he was on screen. Just watching him order a simple cup of coffee is a pure and utter joy ("Fucking pretentious, commercial bullshit. You can't even order a coffee anymore without somebody trying to be the queen of France"). His son was played by some dude I think I saw in some retarded WB show with a couple of really hot chicks. I guess he was OK, if a tiny bit too whiny, but the really cool thing about the character was his girlfriend, played by the gorgeous Canadian actress Lindy Booth! What a choice piece of ass, and yet another Canadian chick I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with in a creepy, dilapidated wooden hut in the middle of nowhere. I guess it can be a little distracting when you're trying to watch people save the planet from mutant internet monsters and all you can think about is frenching one of the side character's poop chute, but in the end of the day it was totally worth it. I really liked her in the awesome Dawn of the Dead remake, where she played Max Headroom's smokin' hot daughter, as well as in a bunch of other horror movies. Sebastian Roché played the horny British author who despite having rather patchy facial hair seems to be getting all the pussy he could ever want on a weekly basis, which gave the viewing public a healthy amount of lovely Canadian boobage whenever he was entertaining a lady friend at his mildly sleazy bachelor's pad. And oh yeah, they could show boobs on Odyssey 5! And say naughty words too! How cool was that?! I don't know of any other sci-fi show that did that since. I recently saw Mr. Roché in Fringe, where he played a bad guy with a popsicle for a head, and he's still as creepy and British as he ever was. Tamara Craig Thomas played the only female astronaut, and it's a complete mystery to me that she's the only member of the cast who doesn't have a Wikipedia page, because she was totally hot and just too adorable. Hot chicks with guns are pretty awesome, and if they're packing heat with no bra on they tend to look even awesomer. She's also the only thing I remember from Tromeo and Juliet, other than how some guy gets his hand chopped off or something. The final crew member was some reporter chick, but hers was the most boring storyline of all, something about saving an annoying little monster from getting butt cancer or some such thing. The last episode of Odyssey 5 suggested that everything we thought we knew about the origin of the Sentients couldn't be farther from the truth, and that they're far more ancient than anyone could have imagined. Also, the moon is artificial. And hollow. The End. Cancelled. No more Odyssey 5. How sucky is that?! Odyssey 5 was one of the coolest things on TV, a real sci-fi show for sci-fi fans, and whoever decided to cancel it after only one season was a friggin' retard and I hope that they get a brain tumor the size of my prostate.

Lindy Booth being adorable

I've read good things about The Goode Family, an animated show co-created by Mike Judge, so I went and downloaded the entire first season without watching a single episode. Well, that was a complete waste of bandwidth, because I couldn't even get through the first half of the first episode. Really, it's that bad. I absolutely loved Beavis and Butthead as a teenager, but Mike Judge has completely lost it. The Goode Family is about as funny as King of the Hill, which is to say, not at all. This guy turned from über cool to lamest asshole ever, and there's no way I'm ever going to buy the heavily censored (by Judge himself) Beavis and Butthead DVD collection, even though it's dirt cheap right now.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Beware the emo rocker, for he is a douche of pure malice

Today I watched the unrated version of Jennifer's Body, a horror comedy directed by the chick who made the visually stunning but otherwise lame Aeon Flux movie, written by the chick who wrote that movie where the lovely Ellen Page gets knocked up by a dork, and starring the too hot for her own good Megan Fox, and I really really liked it. The movie is all about a couple of high school girls who are best friends, one is really hot and the other is sort of geeky, though it's merely movie-geeky, which means she's still pretty darn cute. One evening, as the two attend a rock show at the local sleazy bar, the members of the pathetic emo band on stage stupidly mistake the hot chick for someone who's never had any cock inside her and try to sacrifice her to the devil or something. I guess it's a pretty easy mistake to make, that is, if you happen to be both blind and dickless. While the band members get to be just as rich and awesome as the guy from Maroon 5 as a result of the non-virgin sacrifice, the chick who had to sit on a bag of frozen veggies after taking it up the bum is instantly turned into a man-eating demon who has to periodically feed on horny teenage boys in order to retain her smooth skin and bouncy hair. I've never seen Megan Fox in anything before, and despite what I've read about her performance in the gawd-awful Transformers movies I thought she was pretty good here, displaying a pretty convincing balance between raw sexuality and pure evil, though it's probably not such a huge stretch for someone who looks like her to play a man-eating she-devil. And I still don't find her particularly attractive, as objectively hot as she may be. I'm just not really that much into chicks who look like they're made of plastic. I was pretty shocked when I found out that she's only 23 years old, because apparently all the work she's had done makes her look completely used up, like she's had to go through the entire frozen section at her local supermarket to get to where she is before hitting her mid-twenties. Her look is so generic now that it took me quite a while to find a photo of her that I liked enough to post here. I was also pretty shocked to find out, during this search for interesting photos, that Chloë Sevigny actually sucked a guy off on camera for some poofy art house movie from a few years ago. I guess that means that she's a very serious actress who's completely devoted to her profession and stuff. Sigh. Anyway, Jennifer's Body is very well written, including all those fun little Diablo Cody trademark quirks, the acting is really good all around, including the Nazi über boss from Oz with a curly wig and a hook for a hand, and the whole thing is just very pretty to look at, even during the scenes that don't show any bloody carnage. And you even get to see Megan Fox totally making out with another chick, with extreme close-ups on the tongue work! What an awesome, awesome movie, and my guess is that the fact that it was never shown here in cinemas finally proves that the people who are in charge of film distribution here obviously prefer young boys.


And yesterday I finally watched Forbidden Zone, a really weird black and white movie from 1980 directed by Richard Elfman and featuring music and songs by Danny Elfman, and unfortunately I didn't like it that much. I didn't really mind the obvious low budget look, and the animation sequences are actually really good as well as some of the songs (the opening song was later reused in the Dilbert TV show), but I guess it was all just too weird for me. I mean, sure, there's plenty of perky topless chicks and unsettling dry humping, but it could definitely have used a slightly more structured script and much, much better acting. Tattoo from Fantasy Island was pretty good in it though. There's also a colorized version of the movie available, if anyone's into that sort of thing. I think colorization is icky.

If I write a good enough script, will Chloë Sevigny blow me too?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tequila - it makes me creepy!

Today I watched the unrated DVD of The Ruins, a horror movie set in Mexico starring the adorable Jena Malone and that ice dude who had an itsy bitsy thing for a penis in Wolf Girl, and I enjoyed it very much. The only reason why I bought it on DVD without having watched it first was because Jena Malone wears a tiny little bikini in one of the first scenes. The only reason why I've decided to watch it today for the first time is because I saw the book on which the movie is based on sale, and I wanted to know how good the story is before purchasing it. The Ruins is about a group of attractive American students who for some reason decide to go on vacation in Mexico, of all places. After seeing this movie there's absolutely no way I'm ever going to visit Mexico, or any other country where they have poop in the water for that matter. When you open the tap and out comes poopy water, it's a sure sign that you'll probably be better off somewhere else. Anyway, so these kids are pretty and young and dumb, so obviously when some dude with a creepy German accent suggests that they join him on a hike to some sort of ancient ruins nobody's ever heard of they just take one look at the map he apparently just doodled on an old paper napkin and say yes. Once they finally arrive at the site, a bunch of scary Mayan-looking dudes chase them up a pyramid using bows and arrows as well as guns, where they have to fight for their lives against mutant man-eating marijuana plants or something. It may sound kinda silly, but there's something very disturbing about evil plant life, like it's something that shouldn't exist, not even in our minds, something wrong, something unimaginable, something nobody's ever bothered to warn us about. I will never look at a pretty little red flower the same way again. The Ruins isn't just about gore and special effects, but it does have some very creepy and graphic moments, like a double leg amputation under field conditions and a guy digging through someone's flesh with a big knife while looking for these evil little worm-like weeds under the skin. Jenna Malone remains fully clothed after her brief but delicious bikini appearance, but we do get to see her blonde best friend with absolutely no clothes on pretty early in the movie, including some very plentiful sideboob. I wish I could find someone who'll like me enough to give me a handjob while her knee is still gushing blood. The problem is, as the movie progresses, you get to see more of her bare flesh than you probably wanted to. Unless, that is, if you're the sort of person who enjoys watching hot chicks carve themselves up like a Thanksgiving tofurkey. And have you ever noticed how cute chicks look even sexier with fake blood and guts all over their faces and bodies? Jena Malone looks absolutely delightful playing a messy, bloody corpse. I've liked her ever since I first saw her in Donnie Darko. Gawd, what an overrated piece of crap that movie was. I should probably watch Southland Tales at some point, since I already have it on DVD for some reason. And they haven't started showing The Box here, but the trailer looks pretty awful. Anyway. I really liked this movie, so I'm definitely going to pick up the paperback edition of The Ruins, which I'll get to just as soon as I'm done with the very girly book I'm currently reading and the Philip K. Dick novel I'll be reading after that.

Jena Malone has really nice pits

And yesterday I watched Cashback, a British comedy about some art school douche who is so messed up over breaking up with Michelle Ryan that he can't sleep at night, so he gets a job at his local supermarket where he spends his nights stopping time and imagining the female clientele with no clothes on. For a film with a naked lady on the poster it doesn't really have that much nudity, but it was pretty refreshing to see a chick's labia in a mainstream movie, even if it was only from the back as she was climbing up some stairs. Ah, to be young and horny and have a Swedish female exchange student staying at your house. I really need to find out the name that actress as soon as possible. Google image search is a pretty handy tool when you're homely and alone.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Intergalactic fun with anal probes

Today I went to see The Fourth Kind, starring the gorgeous Milla Jovovich as a plain looking psychologist, and I liked it as much as I could possibly like a movie about alien abductions that doesn't show you any actual aliens. I guess a lot of people got a little cranky at this movie when it first came out because the trailer promised us that it's going to be based on a true story with real video footage spliced into it to back it up, and it turned out that it's all just a big steaming pile of cow poop and that everything is completely made up. Which I guess makes perfect sense, because I know that whenever I go to see a movie about crazy space aliens from outer space the main thing I look for is for it to be based in reality. Pfft. Reality is boring. If I wanted to see something real, I'd go outside and look at all the dog crap my neighbor keeps failing to pick up. Or the dead pigeon I found at the parking lot on my way out of the cinema and somehow resisted the urge to poke with a stick. Or worse still, I could look at my own fleshy reflection in the bathroom mirror. Reality is ugly and stupid and boring, so when I go to see a movie it better show me a gigantic multicolored tentacle monster or something, otherwise I'm never going to be fully satisfied. And yes, that means you, Watchmen. Anyway, Milla Jovovich's husband gets killed or something, so she has to finish his study of people's sleep issues in this small town in Alaska. The weird thing is that all the people she interviews who have problems sleeping also claim to have weird encounters with owls. Barn owls, to be specific. Instead of leaving things as they are like a good little girl Milla decides to use hypnosis to recover lost memories in her patients, and once they realize that they've been violated on a nightly basis by creepy bug-eyed things from another galaxy all heck breaks loose. Most of the movie looks like, well, a movie, but as promised it's also spliced here and there with fake "real" footage from interviews and hypnosis sessions, often using split screens. Like, you get to see the same scene played out in both the movie version on your right and the "real" version on the left, which can get a little confusing at times but is still pretty cool. The contrast between the "real" Dr. Tyler, played by a rather plain looking actress, and the incredible loveliness that is Milla Jovovich is pretty distinct, and if I actually gave a poop about subtext in movies I'd say it's supposed to say something moderately clever about Hollywood, but I don't, so I won't. The whole thing may sound pretty silly, but the fact of the matter is that it simply works, and the creepiest moments in the movie do come from the "real" footage. I don't really go for that whole 'less is more' thing in movies because it usually just feels lazy to me, and I really would have loved to see a big climax featuring a scary CGI alien (or better yet, a guy in a rubber suit!), but I guess it's fine to hold stuff back sometimes. Just don't make a habit out of it. And if possible, next time anyone makes a movie with Milla Jovovich, please don't make her stay fully clothed the entire time. I know she's become quite a decent actress since her days of guesting on Married with Children back in the late '80s, but come on, a little bush never hurt anyone.

Milla Jovovich wants you to look up her naked photos
from Purple Magazine and enjoy them pantslessly

I also watched Adventureland today, and I guess it was OK, despite being pretty depressing for what I thought was supposed to be a comedy. The only reason I watched it is because apparently I like Kristen Stewart now. Sigh. It's hardly my fault, as I can't really help it that I'm totally into cute chicks who look borderline retarded. Always have been, always will be. But I definitely don't like her enough to watch those faggy vampire movies, because there's still a limit to the amount of control my scarlet Johansson holds over the rest of me.

Kristen Stewart's boobs really like pot

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I too want something good to eat

Today I watched Trick 'r Treat, a funny little horror film that was never released theatrically, and I really really liked it. It's basically an anthology piece comprised of four Halloween stories that are loosely connected, plus a short opening bit with the blonde chick from Popular and that dude from Dollhouse and Battlestar Galactica. One story is about a mild-mannered school principal, played by that remarkably handsome pedo from Happiness, who is secretly a murderous SOB who enjoys driving big knives through people's faces as well as innocent little pumpkins. Another story is about a group of kids, one of which looks almost exactly like Reggie from Dead Like Me only with much nicer boobs, who go out on a scavenger hunt for jack-o-lanterns and follow the path of a local legend about a mean ol' bus driver who drives a short bus full of masked retards into a lake. The story that made my general crotch area the happiest was the one about a delightfully self-conscious young woman, played by the lovely Anna Paquin, who sets out to finally lose that pesky virginity of hers with the aid of her voluptuous friends, a process that turns out to be like a million times awesomer than I had originally expected it to be. Suffice it to say, Ms. Paquin looks even hotter without that nasty gap between her two front teeth. The final story is about a grumpy old man that looks like Brian Cox with a pointy fake nose who is being terrorized in the privacy of his own home by a creepy little dude with a big round head who keeps popping up even during the segments of the movie he doesn't star in. Each and every one of these stories is pretty great and very well acted, even the boobless ones, and I've enjoyed them all quite a bit. Trick 'r Treat was written and directed by Michael Dougherty, who has previously co-written X-Men 2 (yay!) and Superman Returns (boo), and the way it was treated by Warner Bros. is an absolute tragedy. It was supposed to be released into theaters in time for Halloween 2007, but since everybody in Hollywood is an asshole it never was, until they finally released it straight to DVD and Blu-ray on October of last year. Oh well. It's not like they would have released it over here anyway. I'm still really happy that it was made and that I got to watch it, because it's a very clever and often hilarious little horror movie and there's just something that's extremely cool about it. And Wikipedia says that there's going to be a sequel! That's like the best news I've heard since they announced that the new Miley Cyrus sex tape is going be released online early next month!

It's OK, as of last year Britt McKillip is perfectly legal

I first saw Britt McKillip in Dead Like Me, a TV show created by Bryan Fuller. Mr. Fuller has later went on to create Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, two shows that starred Caroline Dhavernas and Anna Friel respectively. Both of them are just insanely hot in a way I can't even begin to describe, they both have flawless fake American accents and they both starred in a Canadian movie called Niagara Motel, which I've watched yesterday. It's not that great a movie (it's based on a play or something. pfft) but it did deliver a stunningly topless Anna Friel, which is a sight to be seen indeed, so I was pretty satisfied in the end. I also got to see Caroline Dhavernas speak French in that weird French Canadian accent of hers, which was pretty damn hot. Ms. Dhavernas is exactly two years older than me, which I like to take as a sign that she and I are destined to meet one day, fall madly in love and grow old together in a secluded cabin deep within the Canadian wilderness. Gorgeous Canadian actresses usually go for fat Middle Eastern slobs, right?

Caroline Dhavernas. Yay! I share something with one of
the loveliest creatures on the planet!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Funny, now that I know they won't kill me, I don't enjoy them

Today I watched Conquest of the Planet of the Apes on DVD. In the fourth installment in the Apes series, set in the exciting and futuristic year 1991, the apes are finally starting to take over, and I couldn't be happier about it. It's about time us smelly, hairy creatures get some respect around here! Even this far into the future Ricardo Montalbán still runs an old-fashioned circus, where he's been keeping his little talking chimp a secret for 18 years. He takes young Caesar (aka Milo) to hand out pamphlets or something in this big bright city where chimps and gorillas function as furry, flea-ridden slaves, and manages to get arrested for not calling the cops "lousy human bastards". In order to blend in with the rest of his simian friends Caesar breaks into a cage of orangutans, a species we don't really see much more of in this movie. Once he lands a government job in an auction and learns about the full extent of the anti-monkey atrocities, he starts a rather violent ape revolution that takes up most of the film's last half hour and ends with a heartfelt promise to take control of the planet away from the stinkin' paws of those damn dirty humans. I guess all that rioting is supposed to teach us something about racism in America during the '60s and '70s, but history was never one of my strong suits, so I can't really be sure of it. I think it had something to do with getting better seats on buses or something. I couldn't even be bothered with the obvious in-your-face political message in Avatar, so I'm pretty sure that any subtleties here beyond how slavery is not cool went right over my head. The real interesting part for me was where the authorities set Caesar up with this cute little female chimp he's had his eye on before. They bring him up to her cage, where she's lying there on the bed in this obviously sexy position, and basically order him to go forth and multiply. I found it absolutely hilarious how he got this look on his little monkey face, like, "I don't usually bone hot chimp chicks on command in front of strangers, but hey, when in Rome!" How does that sort of thing even work? I mean, he's an intelligent talking chimp whose parents came from the future, while she's not much more than a dumb animal. Wouldn't it be like a modern man having sex with an alluring yet mentally retarded broad? Oh, I'm sorry, that's exactly what Chuck Heston did with Nova in the first movie, so I guess it's OK. Experts say that the even-numbered Apes movies are the crappier of the five, but I liked Conquest just fine, even more so than I did back when I watched it on VHS. And if my memory serves me right, Battle is the real stinker of the bunch. I guess I'll get to that one too at some point, possibly sometime in my fourth decade. Yay?

Olivia Thirlby was born 14 years after Conquest came out

This morning I also finished watching Bored to Death, and I don't have much to say about it other than that it was really cool and interesting and funny and well-made and that everybody in it was really great and that Ted Danson seems to only get handsomer with age and that I would really like to see much, much more of Olivia Thirlby in the future, though she doesn't really look like the type of person who gets drunk enough to forget to wear underwear and then let strangers take photos of her getting in and out of cars, so I guess I'll never be able to see as much of her as I'd like to.