Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Art of Fart

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).

In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Sex Ed in the Orthodox Jewish School System

My response, both then and now:

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Jewish Christmas 2011

New this year: blinking Christmas lights and a Santa hat!

This year's holiday viewing selection included: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966), Frosty the Snowman, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Jack Frost (the 1996 horror film) and its sequel, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Yo Dawg

I herd you like having sex on biches.

(If you own the copyright to this photograph, then you are awesome)

Run for Your Lives! It's a Facebook Monster!

I'm not sure I get the whole timeline thing, but I definitely like the cover I drew today. Anyone wants to name the beast?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Minor Physical Imperfection Haikus

Carey Mulligan:
Large mole next to left nipple,
How unfortunate.

Ms. Mulligan was so much prettier with long hair in that Doctor Who episode

Cutie Caity Lotz:
Purple birthmark on right arm,
Huge boner killer.

Other than that, Ms. Lotz is basically perfect. Also: it's good to know that she knows her place. In related news: Death Valley is totally fucking awesome

Camgirl Sandra Smit:
Right boob bigger than the left,
I still love her though.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

How to Become the World's Biggest, Meanest Badass

Step 1: Purchase a ticket for a regular movie.
Step 2: Bring your own pair of 3D glasses from home.
Step 3: Sneak into a 3D movie.
Step 4: Freak out throughout the entire screening over your chances of getting caught by an usher.
Step 5: Success!

(Warning: this may also turn you into an ailurophile pirate)

Friday, December 16, 2011

You'll Believe a Shark Can Fly

Last night I went to see Shark Night 3D, and I guess it was okay. For the price of admission you get to see a multiracial group of attractive young people (and the geek from Avatar) wearing very little clothing and getting attacked by various CG sharks, one rubber hammerhead and two rednecks, and if that's all you expect from a movie, then you're in luck. However, if it's a decent story, compelling characters or believable acting that you're after, you better look elsewhere. The PG-13 rating means that gore is kept to a minimum (including one of the most awful 'missing hand' practical effects I've ever seen) and nudity is limited to just a little sideboob, but the girls do run around in skimpy little bikinis most of the time, which is really nice. What's the deal with Sara Paxton though? She's obviously a very beautiful young woman with a totally cute face, really nice boobs and a perfect little ass, so the reason why she has the sex appeal of a damp turnip is completely beyond me. On the technical side, while during some scenes in the movie the 3D effect is virtually nonexistent, the action scenes look really good, and the underwater shots are pretty incredible. Shark Night 3D is no Jaws 3D, it's not even Piranha 3D (although the 3D is obviously superior), but if you enjoy looking at cute girls in bikinis and fake looking CG man-eating fish, I can think of much worse ways to spend an hour and a half.

Sara Paxton is as cute as a button, and also as sexy as one

Bonus haiku #1:

Last night in a dream
A pretty girl touched my hand
It was amazing

Bonus haiku #2:

Oh Katy Perry
I'm so in love with your boobs
Russell Brand sucks balls

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Apparently it's Ancient Japanese for Totally Fucking Awesome

Yesterday I went to see Bunraku, and despite the fact that there were more Israeli guys involved in its production than there are in most local films, it was actually pretty great! Directed by Israeli Guy Moshe, Bunraku is a film-noir/western/samurai story set in a futuristic world where guns have been outlawed, everything looks like it's made of construction paper and it's perfectly acceptable to call Japanese people 'orientals'. Josh Hartnett is an exquisitely beautiful man with really creepy facial hair, Woody Harrelson is a bartender who serves overpriced whiskey to unsuspecting customers, Gackt Camui is some sort of hermaphrodite, Kevin McKidd is a badass Scottish dude, Demi Moore is a hooker with a heart of coal and Ron Perlman is just about the coolest guy on the face of the planet. The story is a little too complicated for its own good and I'm not sure I fully understood it all, but in a movie that is basically a two hour long visual mind fuck, I don't think it matters that much. It's like a martial arts movie, an arthouse film, a video game and a comic book all ganged up on a Broadway musical and had a bastard lovechild that doesn't look like anything I've ever seen before. There is absolutely nothing realistic about the movie, not the acting, not the sets and not the special effects, but that's just part of the magical weirdness that is Bunraku, an experience that completely took me by surprise. I don't know who this Guy Moshe character is and who was crazy enough to give him the money to make this movie, but Bunraku is easily one of the coolest things I've seen in the last couple of years, and I expect great things from him in the future.

It's nice to see that Demi Moore has managed to lose that disgusting beer belly since the early '90s. Other than that, she looks pretty much the same

Bonus haiku:

In my opinion
That mole on Josh Hartnett's throat
Needs to get looked at

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Short While Ago, in a City Far, Far Away

This is what the escalators leading to the Tel-Aviv municipality building look like these days:

The artwork was created by graffiti artist Dover D last weekend, and you have to admit it's pretty awesome. They don't really allow cameras into the building, so I guess that makes me some sort of hardcore badass rebel or something. Right now I'm just kicking myself as hard as I can while wearing slippers for not having the brains to actually ride the escalators when I had the chance, because it looked like so much fun! Hopefully the design will still be there next time I have to get frozen vegan burgers at the organic supermarket next door.

Haiku of the Day: Thank Gawd for Redheads

Leaked naked photos always taste sweeter!

So many vile things
Passing through Lindsay Lohan
Why not my semen?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Enjoy it while it lasts, because Kirsten Dunst is turning 30 next year and she's already baby hungry

Today I went to see Melancholia, and I guess it was okay. In Lars von Trier's latest film Kirsten Dunst is a whiny little dairy farmer who enjoys urinating outdoors and is fascinated by big stupid animals with oversized genitalia. In the first part of the story she gets married to an exquisitely handsome Swedish vampire at this disgustingly classy mansion, but oh no, she's all sad and stuff! Once we're done with the wedding video portion of the movie, we can move on to the good stuff - or can we? Spiderman's girlfriend and her circumcised sister (along with the sister's special agent husband and their annoying little brat) are all back at the mansion, and surprise surprise, Ms. Dunst is still oh so very sad. And oh yeah, there's this big blue planet that popped up a little while ago and is going to collide with the Earth real soon in a way that makes very little sense if you know anything about 4th grade astronomy (it's been hiding behind the sun all along!). The movie is very pretty to look at, especially when the big scary planet is hanging up in the sky, and I really liked the music (even though I hear Wagner wasn't exactly a huge fan of the Chosen People), but I usually prefer movies that are a little more... interesting. You do, however, get a full frontal shot and some very nice sideboob courtesy of Ms. Dunst, so if you're into that kind of stuff and you don't mind watching a blonde chick making a sad face for over two hours, go right ahead and see the film. Otherwise, just watch Bring It On again, where she's a whole lot perkier in a bunch of different ways.

Say what you will about Kirsten Dunst, but she looks pretty damn awesome when she's naked and playing with her boobs

In other news: here's a theological question for all you Jebus freaks out there - I went and bought a Santa hat today, but all they had at the store were the ones with white braids on the sides with little red ribbons. Being more or less male, is it acceptable for me to wear the hat as it is, or do I need to cut the braids off so I won't end up in Jebus-hell?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Kingdom for an Amy Adams Muppet!

This week I went to see the new Muppets movie, and it was actually pretty great, because even though it was produced by stupid Disney the Muppets still kick all kinds of ass. Here are a few points I'd like to make:
  • Amy Adams was born in August 1974, which makes her 37 years old, and six years older than Jason Segel. Despite this fact, and despite the fact that last year she pushed an entire person out of her pee hole, she still looks totally amazing in The Muppets. Good for her. I have always had a thing for Miss Piggy, and Ms. Adams looks almost exactly like her, if she were human and hot and not a felt puppet. They are also very much alike in the way that I would absolutely love to stick my hand up both of their backsides. I just hope Ms. Adams manages to keep her youthful looks until they finish shooting Man of Steel, otherwise Supes is going to end up banging an old lady.
  • I really enjoyed all the celebrity flesh-puppets cameos in the movie, which are just too many to mention, except for three of them, who happen to appear in the same short scene. These include an obese child, a lesbian teenager, and a Whoopi Goldberg. The movie would have been much better without their presence.
  • There's a Muppets tribute band in the movie called The Moopets, which is made up of badass lookalikes of several Muppets characters. If they ever make a Moopets movie I'd totally pay to see it, because they look like they could put on much less kid-friendly show than the original cast, and that's a pretty big advantage over them.
  • I didn't have to read the movie's end credits to know that Bret McKenzie (of Flights of the Conchords fame) had something to do with it. It is just that awesomely obvious.
  • Most of the movie revolves around how the Muppets have to raise $10,000,000 in order to save their old theater. What bugged me was that very early on in the film we find out that Kermit the Frog lives all by himself in a FUCKING MANSION. It would have been a whole lot easier on everyone involved if he just sold his house and moved into someplace smaller, a place more fitting to his small stature and allegedly humble demeanor.
  • The worst thing about the movie? There's a fucking Pixar short before it starts, one that features talking toys! Watching this agonizing piece of CG animated cow poop only reminded me how much I loathe Pixar and everything that it stands for. Seriously Pixar, either you start making movies for people over the age of nine, or go suck on a rusty nail drenched in syphilized vaginal blood.
I'm guessing one would need some sort of X-ray vision to see if these babies would still be this nice and perky in Man of Steel

In other news: whoever thinks that Jennifer Aniston is the sexiest woman of ALL TIME (that means you, Men's Health Magazine) needs to get their stupid head examined, because even back in 1994 she was just an okay looking girl with nice boobs and an unfortunate butter face.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Scarred - for Her Pleasure!

Tired of all your boring old dildos, the smooth ones, the ribbed ones, even the big veiny ones? Well, you should be, because those dildos are for fucking pussies! Introducing the Benny 4700: cast from the semi-erect, pathetic little member of a pathetic little manchild who has been abusing himself on a daily basis for over twenty years without using any form of lubrication, this painfully average sized dildo guarantees an unusually bumpy and thoroughly satisfying autoerotic experience for both women and men of all ages. Now available for a limited time only in cornflower blue, lime green and realistic blood red, only at the sleaziest of sex shops in the Tel-Aviv metropolitan area!

(Inspired by foolproof pick-up line #15)

Foolproof Pick-up Line #15

You chuckled uncomfortably at the comic strip, now get the limited edition dildo!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Let go of my poor little Pinny!

A while ago I've realized that one of the most popular things on my blog is a three part series of comic strips I drew over a year ago, titled Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis. This is probably just due to the fact that whenever you search Google for pictures of uncircumcised penises you're going to get one of my crudely drawn renditions of an uncut member after a couple of scrolls, and yet, I can't help but get this funny feeling in my tummy:

Bonus haiku:

Cute girl on the bus
Has asked me to move over
She wants my Pinny

See also:
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #1
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #2
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #3