When Women Say They Like Funny Guys

Every damn time.

Note: I found this image of the lucky douchebag who's currently banging Kristen Bell by googling "white guy with sunglasses", while searching for images for an unrelated project. More details coming soon. Stay tuned!

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

Last Night at the Apoptygma Berzerk Concert

Update: and now there's a photo!

And the Most Awkward Clapping at a Concert award goes to...

The Most Interesting Fap in the World

Laura Fraser Speaking German on Breaking Bad!?

Total freakin' awesomeness to the power of three? This definitely calls for something awful and unexpected to take place in my pants!


Also: I love you, Laura Fraser. You were my first giant crush and I will love you to bits forever and ever, and if you could please come to Israel and make out with me for no more than five minutes (including some moderate tongue action) it would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Ben.

I Find This Extremely Easy to Fap to

Are you as obsessed with this creepy-eyed girl's video as much as I am? Now here is my own version of her cute little song! Mind you, this is a version of this version, not of the original video, which I have tried to watch but failed to do so (I couldn't get past the girl with the weird earrings and dyke haircut). Enjoy this richly animated short clip, and the full lyrics right below it!

If I were your stalker
You'd never be alone
I'd Google up your number
And I'd always call and groan
I wouldn't call it stalking
Just staring right at you
At night, without you knowing
Watching everything you do


Fap, fap, fap, to you


Find out all about your past
Hang cameras in your loo
I don't care about one
I just care about two
I'm your biggest fan
I'd like to smell your shoe
Yeah


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


So tell me that you want me
Don't try to say you don't
I can see your bloodshot eyes
Say you wanna feel my dong
But that's not gonna work
You can hear it in my tone
I can't get it up with girls
Who are made of flesh and bone


S-stalker, stalker
I will be your stalker
I will be your stalker
I WILL BE YOUR STALKER


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Get food in some cans
'Cause you're stuck with me, girl
Spend a decade down here
I'd be calling you my girlfriend, girlfriend
I just made a list
Of our future cats' names
Hannibal, Cujo, Scar and Darth


I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
If I were your stalker.

Fatties Gonna Fat

(Crudely drawn on two A4 sheets of paper without tracing, comparing or revising frames while looking at a much better GIF animation. In other words, I have no idea what I'm doing.)

Haiku of the Day: The Boldest of All Experiments

Dating sites are great
For collecting excuses
For rejecting me

My Foolproof, One of a Kind Flirting Technique for Dating Sites

Step 1: Visit the profile page of a woman you're interested in.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Look at the pictures.

Step 4 (optional): Fap to said pictures.

Step 5: And that's it.

Forever Fapone

Results may vary.

It Worked Perfectly

Today I went to see Martin Scorsese's Hugo and it was really really REALLY good, easily my favorite Scorsese movie ever, and the 3D was nothing short of spectacular (well, at least some of the time), and even though nostalgia usually makes me barf violently I was totally moved by the story, and Georges Méliès really was a genius and I can't wait for the remastered A Trip to the Moon blu-ray to come out (yay Air!) and those archive clips were the only truly justified 3D conversions I've seen so far, but seriously, Chloë Grace Moretz needs to get her act together and GROW UP ALREADY, because I am getting sick and tired of feeling like a total pedobear every single time I see her on screen.

Seriously.

Bonus haiku:

Oh Chloë Moretz,
If I were but half my age
Or you twice your own.

Sex Ed in the Orthodox Jewish School System

My response, both then and now:

Yo Dawg

I herd you like having sex on biches.

(If you own the copyright to this photograph, then you are awesome)

Let go of my poor little Pinny!

A while ago I've realized that one of the most popular things on my blog is a three part series of comic strips I drew over a year ago, titled Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis. This is probably just due to the fact that whenever you search Google for pictures of uncircumcised penises you're going to get one of my crudely drawn renditions of an uncut member after a couple of scrolls, and yet, I can't help but get this funny feeling in my tummy:

Bonus haiku:

Cute girl on the bus
Has asked me to move over
She wants my Pinny

See also:
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #1
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #2
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #3

Coleslaw Flavored Meme #2: Can't tell if I should be worried or just annoyed

I've been spending way too much of my time on Memebase. And also, on the bus.

Haiku of the Day: Y U NO WRITE MORE HAIKUS?

(Inspired by the events described here)

Good times, good times

Flowchart of a typical online chat, dated 1995-2005:

Notes:

1. The reason why this period of my life ended around the year 2005 is purely technical, and has absolutely nothing to do with personal growth.

2. Making flowcharts on the computer is fucking boring.

3. I guess I've been spending way too much time on Memebase lately, but if Cyanide and Happiness can use the me gusta guy, then I can use forever alone guy.


Bonus haiku:

Redheaded cam girl,
Your vagina is gorgeous
Don't ever hide it