OMG OMG OMG!!!!!11

OMG J-----, OMG!

Remember that hip new bar I was terrified about going to the other night? Well, you're not gonna believe this! I MET SOMEONE THERE! A real live woman, and we totally hit it off! It was a little awkward at first, but J-----, it was so amazing. And then! Then, after the show, we went back to her place! She has a roommate, but we had plenty of privacy. And get this J-----, after spending most of the night talking, we actually had sex! Would you imagine? Me, at my age, finally having sex with the most awesome woman I've ever met! She's so goddamn cute, you're just going to die when you see her. I know it sounds silly, but I just know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and be disgustingly happy for the rest of our lives!!!!
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LOLJK, April fools!

 *cries*

Update, April 30th: unfortunately, I will not be able to pull this prank quite as effectively next year, or any year after that. *cries even harder*

Signs That a Magic Show isn't That Great, Part 4/1

Seems almost too good to be true, doesn't it?

I Put the Fart in Farty

The World's Scariest Sideshow Attraction

When Women Say They Like Funny Guys

Every damn time.

Note: I found this image of the lucky douchebag who's currently banging Kristen Bell by googling "white guy with sunglasses", while searching for images for an unrelated project. More details coming soon. Stay tuned!

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

My Usual Reaction

Improvement to the Democratic Process #38

In order to prove that she or he is not a filthy racist, each voter will be required to make out (tongue action + under the shirt stuff) with a person of a different ethnic background (and of the gender of their own choice) before being allowed to enter the voting booth.

Sexual Fantasy #47

The Most Interesting Fap in the World

Laura Fraser Speaking German on Breaking Bad!?

Total freakin' awesomeness to the power of three? This definitely calls for something awful and unexpected to take place in my pants!


Also: I love you, Laura Fraser. You were my first giant crush and I will love you to bits forever and ever, and if you could please come to Israel and make out with me for no more than five minutes (including some moderate tongue action) it would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Ben.

They Call Me Ladykiller

I've been fine-tuning my OkCupid profile for a few months now, and I think that at this particular point in time it's entertaining enough to deserve a post of its very own. And so, here it is, complete and unabridged except for my profile photo and a few minor details. Enjoy!

It's a Good Thing We've Never Actually Met

I Find This Extremely Easy to Fap to

Are you as obsessed with this creepy-eyed girl's video as much as I am? Now here is my own version of her cute little song! Mind you, this is a version of this version, not of the original video, which I have tried to watch but failed to do so (I couldn't get past the girl with the weird earrings and dyke haircut). Enjoy this richly animated short clip, and the full lyrics right below it!

If I were your stalker
You'd never be alone
I'd Google up your number
And I'd always call and groan
I wouldn't call it stalking
Just staring right at you
At night, without you knowing
Watching everything you do


Fap, fap, fap, to you


Find out all about your past
Hang cameras in your loo
I don't care about one
I just care about two
I'm your biggest fan
I'd like to smell your shoe
Yeah


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


So tell me that you want me
Don't try to say you don't
I can see your bloodshot eyes
Say you wanna feel my dong
But that's not gonna work
You can hear it in my tone
I can't get it up with girls
Who are made of flesh and bone


S-stalker, stalker
I will be your stalker
I will be your stalker
I WILL BE YOUR STALKER


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Get food in some cans
'Cause you're stuck with me, girl
Spend a decade down here
I'd be calling you my girlfriend, girlfriend
I just made a list
Of our future cats' names
Hannibal, Cujo, Scar and Darth


I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
If I were your stalker.

Ode to Sunglasses

Fatties Gonna Fat

(Crudely drawn on two A4 sheets of paper without tracing, comparing or revising frames while looking at a much better GIF animation. In other words, I have no idea what I'm doing.)

Busty Guy Problems

I really like Busty Girl Comics. Boobs are hilarious.

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drunk v2.0

Since the original has faded almost completely, I had to make a new one. Enjoy!

My Foolproof, One of a Kind Flirting Technique for Dating Sites

Step 1: Visit the profile page of a woman you're interested in.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Look at the pictures.

Step 4 (optional): Fap to said pictures.

Step 5: And that's it.

Forever Fapone

Results may vary.

10 Minutes into the Future: How a Dork Gets the Girl

Step 1: Construct a device that hijacks audio from nearby portable music players (or phones, or whatever people listen to music on these days).

Step 2: Go to a place where women sit by themselves and listen to music on earphones (public transportation should work just fine).

Step 3: Find a nice looking woman wearing earphones and sit down in front of her, wearing your earphones, which are plugged into the audio hijacking device.

Step 4:

Step 5: Success!