Thursday, February 21, 2013

Vacation Photos, Part II: Hotel Room Art That Looks Like Excited Lady Parts

Slimy vaginas. Slimy vaginas everywhere.

Bonus photo: a scary cyborg triceratops!

Vacation Photos, Part I: OMGZ KITTEHS!!!!11

This week I have had the great pleasure of petting each and every one of these awesome cats at the Dolphin Reef in Eilat. Some of them didn't even try to scratch me!

Bonus photo: a wet dog!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Haiku of the Day: This Was Just a Reason to Morph Some More Letters

Dearest Kate Bracken
You're the hottest Scottish girl
Since Laura Fraser

Kate Bracken, who plays Alex on Being Human, happens to be one of those rare individuals you could seriously hurt yourself thinking too much about how beautiful they are.

Alternatively, this GIF could be dedicated to the amazing Alexandra "Alex" Breckenridge, whom I haven't seen in anything in a really long time, which sucks 37 different kinds of ass. Now here is a 33fps version just for her.

This Movie is After Your BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINS

Well, I can't say I haven't been warned. Today I went to see Warm Bodies, and it was one of the worst cases of false advertising I have ever seen. Unlike what the trailer has lead me to believe, Warm Bodies is not a zombie comedy. In fact, it isn't a comedy at all. Warm Bodies is just another one of those dreadful supernatural teen romance movies that seem to make so much money these day. Expecting something along the lines of Zombieland, what I got was the undead version of fucking Twilight. I've read a review earlier this week saying just that, but I simply refused to believe it. How bad, I said to myself before entering the theater, could a movie starring Rob Corddry (SO funny), Analeigh Tipton (SO pretty) and John Malkovich (SO creepy) possibly be? The answer is now clear to me. It could be very, very bad. Painfully bad. So bad I didn't care about anything happening on the screen and kept checking my phone for the time, and I NEVER turn my phone on at the movies. Oh well, un-die and learn, I guess. At least the mummy-like Boneys were sort of cool. Boneys, I can only assume, is a term referring to obsessive fanboys of the new animated TV hit My Little Boner: Dipshits are Tragic, voiced by Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. Coming to the sweaty center of the smelly Middle East this spring!

Analeigh Tipton may be totally gorgeous and Teresa Palmer may be extremely beautiful in a completely bland sort of way, but it is Rob Corddry who just oozes raw sex in Warm Bodies. Bald guys who aren't me are so darn sexy!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Animated Haiku of the Day: Is There Anything Sweeter Than a Lena Dunham?

Bonus: a painstakingly animated morphing G!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Haiku of the Day: And I Fucking Hate Cigarettes

Smoking girl walked by
I breathed in her exhaled smoke
Cancer erection

Ivana Milicevic and Buffy are Eskimo sisters!

In other news: I'm deeply sorry, Ivana Milicevic. Even at the ripe age of 38 you're still absolutely gorgeous and I really did try to like Banshee, but it just wasn't very good. Other new shows to avoid this season are The Following and Do No Harm. Bleh.