Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #32

Anna Paquin, nude
I embrace her in my bed
She doesn't like it.

I watched Straight A's last night. It was okay. Could have used a lot more of that purple thing she was wearing in one of the scenes. Fantastic nipples, is what I'm saying.

No Real Cows were Blown Up During the Making of this Movie

This week I went to see the 102 minute long Costco commercial known as The Watch, and I had a really nice time. It's exactly what one would expect from an R-rated comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, only with an ever higher dosage of dick jokes and a bunch of scary aliens running around and skinning people! Mind you, I did ingest a healthy amount of the movie-enhancing substance commonly known as Tuborg Red while watching the film, so scenes projected on the screen may have appeared funnier than they actually were, but that doesn't make my viewing experience any less fun. That is all.

Jessica Stroup may not have anything to do with The Watch, but she is still amazing and I want to bear her beautiful children in my big fat belly.

The Smartest Thing I've Ever Done EVER

Over the last few years, probably due to the excessive frequency of Booze Nights I've been throwing, I have completely lost the ability to enjoy silly movies while sober. Unfortunate, but unavoidable. So when Seth MacFarlane's Ted came out here, I was faced with two options: I could either go see the movie and not enjoy it that much, or I could wait for it to come out on Blu-ray and then watch it at home. Luckily, I'm a pathetic, hopeless loser who doesn't really mind getting drunk by himself in a theater full of teenagers at 3 in the afternoon, so I just purchased a bunch of overpriced beers at the supermarket as Ayalon mall and brought them with me into the theater. It wasn't the first time I got drunk at the movies (Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter comes to mind), but it was definitely the most successful one. How was the movie, then? Pretty good! I can't say I remember much of it other than that the bear sounded exactly like Peter Griffin, but I do remember having an amazing time. Thank you Yes Planet for allowing moviegoers to bring in outside food, and thank you Seth MacFarlane for practically forcing me to have this experience!

Superfluous nipples are HILARIOUS.

Needs More Booze

Yesterday I went to see The Dictator, and while it wasn't bad or anything (although it was much more like the Ali G movie than Borat or Brüno, which isn't a good thing), it did remind me why I almost never watch comedies sober anymore. I imagine that with the right amount of booze in my system I would've found it pretty hilarious, but since Yes Planet doesn't really offer any at the snack bar, it just didn't have any serious effect on me. And the moral of the story is: next time you feel a need to see a comedy at the movies, get yourself a nice flask (preferably one with a picture of a dinosaur on it) and fill it up with cheap arak. That is all.

Oh, and Anna Faris looks really cute with short dark hair and hairy pits

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drunk v2.0

Since the original has faded almost completely, I had to make a new one. Enjoy!

Pavlov's Couch Potato

History

Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

Leave me alone, I'm drunk!

See also: v2.0

Boozy haikus!

Some afterthoughts on a family event I have attended earlier this week, in haiku form:

I really like beer

Because it makes me happy

And it tastes like beer

Most red wines are gross

They taste nothing like fresh grapes

What is up with that?

Scotch is a man's drink

But if you're a fat loser

Then it's okay too

I've recently learned

That Cava is just white wine

With bubbles in it

Masturbating drunk

Is a dangerous habit

When you don't use lube

A very late vacation post... with hookers!

Last month I went on an eight day visit to Hamburg, as a guest of the senate, and it was so totally friggin' awesome that I very nearly wet myself when it was time to get back to the smelly, lint-filled belly button of the Middle East. Every large European city I've ever been to is pretty and cool and interesting in its own way, especially when you compare it to the sun-scorched cultural semi-desert I usually inhabit, but the city of Hamburg, with its gorgeous maritime glory and unadulterated free-for-all sleaze, really does take the giant slice of warm apfelstrudel with a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream on the side.

I'll start with the obvious: German chicks are just too lovely for their own good. It was an absolute thrill to be around so many attractive young ladies who were so terrifically out of my league that it wasn't even remotely funny. Well, maybe just a little. Everywhere I'd look there were always at least one or two members of the female persuasion whom I would have been more than happy to bang deeply, had I been about 40 years younger. In just eight short days I've managed to accumulate enough masturbatory material in my head to last me a lifetime, or at least until the end of the Hebrew year. Our group was accompanied by these two student chicks who were just as cute as the proverbial button, and I even got to touch one of them! Twice! I mean, sure, they were just friendly handshakes, but I was still pretty damn excited. I can only hope that one day I'd be able to gather enough courage to be rejected by a genuine German chick, and then I could finally die a happy dork.

A cute German chick enjoying a light meal by the water, completely unaware of the creepy stalker standing right behind her

German teenagers lying face down on the ground. Is there anything more arousing?

Boobs.

More boobs.

Even more boobs!

And a little something for the ladies

The main sleaze attraction in Hamburg is of course the Reeperbahn in the St. Pauli quarter, a street chock full of sex shops, sex clubs and even a red light district type of place just around the corner, bringing you anything from designer dildos and vintage pornography to steamy lap dances and daytime €100 blowjobs from high-class prostitutes as old as your mom! I've only visited Herbertstraße (that's where the nice ladies who take it up the bum for cash live) during the day, so I'm guessing the hookers I got to see sitting by those windows weren't exactly the city's finest, but they were all nice enough to try and invite me inside. They even called me 'mein Herr'! I thought it was very kind of them to notice my particular gender like that and not throw rotten eggs and bags of pee at me, the way they normally would at any non-professional female who'd be courageous and/or foolish enough to enter their domain. Too bad you can't take any pictures in there, because I could've spent literally hours looking at their photos back at home and not using them in any kind of way!

Danger! Free range hookers beyond these gates!

There's no wonder why I came back here about 20kg heavier, as I did eat like a slobbering pot belly pig the whole time I was in Hamburg. They kept feeding us and offering free booze, so really, how could I possibly resist? I mean come on, the hotel we stayed at had free friggin' champagne at breakfast! And at the official lunch at the Rathaus there were these nice old waiters whose only job was to refill our wine glasses! And the beer was absolutely fantastic, unlike anything I've ever tasted before. My favorite was Franziskaner Weissbier, which is by far the best tasting beverage I have ever had the pleasure of getting drunk on that has a picture of a Christian dude on the label.

An adorable pot belly pig at Wildpark Schwarze Berge

The Rathaus

Inside the Rathaus, where we had lunch

Just enjoying a nice cool beer and watching the World Cup like a regular human male

Having a quince flavored Bionade at Hagenbeck Zoo. That's what the German astronauts drink in outer space!

This little thing, eaten on a really fancy boat ride, probably cost me about 5kg alone

On Friday they took us to the local synagogue, which was as thrilling an experience as anyone could have not doing anything for an hour except standing up and sitting back down on cue. I also got yelled at by a group of scary old dudes with big bushy beards and funny hats for taking this photo here outside after the service, even though it wasn't technically shabat yet! People who believe that the world was created by an angry grandpa who lives on a cloud up in the sky and spies on them when they go to the bathroom can sure be silly sometimes.

Take THAT, every rabbi who was ever mean to me in school!

Sadly, Jewish cemeteries in Israel are never this creepy

We were also invited for a night at the theater at the expense of the German tax payer, which meant going to see a stage production based on a Disney cartoon, in German. I ended up liking it so much that as soon as I got back home I downloaded the original animated version in HD, even though a bluray edition isn't even available yet. I especially liked it how they incorporated the legendary lion sex scene back into the special edition of the movie, as it was originally intended to be shown. Sure, it can get a little graphic for the younger viewers, especially when Simba has finally managed to ejaculate inside his girlfriend and is having trouble pulling out (boy, those animators sure did their research!), but I think it adds a lot of much needed humor to the film. Besides, as any pedo would be happy to tell you, kids can handle a lot more than most people would guess, and I don't think anybody ever got seriously damaged from watching kitties hump.

König der Löwen at Theater im Hafen

Extremely endangered animals at Hagenbeck Zoo

A black dude humping a giraffe in front of Hagenbeck's

Tonight's entertainment choices: Avatar and hardcore German

porn. This gets very close to my idea of heaven on earth

I was pretty bummed out when I had to say my goodbyes to the beautiful city of Hamburg, especially with how all the Israeli women on the flight back home looked like horrible green ogres in comparison to the German variety, but I'm definitely going to visit it again in the future, and hopefully by the time of my next visit I'd be man enough to walk up to one of the more passable-looking ladies on Herbertstraße, pay the required fee in crisp €100 bills and then run for my dear life as soon as she takes off a single article of clothing. I yam what I yam after all.