Thursday, November 24, 2011

Pavlov's Couch Potato


Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Can Bears Climb Trees?


Yes, they can.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Haiku of the Day: Wait, so that was a REAL tranny in Hung?!

Definitely prettier than most of the women I know

Dear Jamie Clayton:
You may used to have a schlong,
But I'd still do you.

If Jamie Clayton were still pre-op, I would have been pretty darn confused right now

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Do not come wiz me to ze Barby - we shall make beautiful musicks togezzer right here!

Last night I went to the first night of the Bonsoir Tel-Aviv French-Israeli music festival at the Barby, and it was pretty damn awesome, despite poor (and often dickish) attendance. First up was Umlala, an Israeli band from Jerusalem that sounds like this:

Pretty great stuff, right? Right. So howcome most of the people at the club, of which there weren't that many for some reason, didn't seem too enthusiastic about it? Too many of them stayed far, far away from the stage, while some of them didn't even bother to stand up! What total and utter dickery. Umlala still gave a fantastic (if short) performance, which left me extremely pleased with that part of the evening.

The main act was Lilly Wood and the Prick, a French band headed by Israeli-born singer Nili Hadida, that sounds like this:

Totally. Fucking. Awesome. At Ms. Hadida's request I moved even closer to the stage (the dicks in the back still kept ignoring her repeated pleadings, until she finally gave up), the closest I have ever been to the stage at the Barby, and it was totally worth it! I didn't know anything about Lilly Wood & the Prick before I read about them coming here, but once I've listened to Down the Drain I was pretty much in love with them. Deep, passionate, sleazy love, the kind of love that makes you cream your pants whenever you think about it even a tiny, tiny bit. Invincible Friends is a pretty great album, and witnessing all those incredible songs performed live was mind blowing. However, what I wasn't prepared for was the fact that in real life, Nili Hadida is just about the cutest thing to ever come out of France since Pepe Le Pew!

Nili Hadida and Benjamin Cotto, aka Lilly Wood & the Prick

The outfit and makeup in the video really didn't do her much justice, because the wildly charismatic (she effortlessly made me clap, sing along and even jump up and down on cue) and freakishly talented performer I was lucky enough to see last night, wearing a simple yet elegant heart pattern dress, was nothing short of adorable. At the end of the night Ms. Hadida invited everyone present to come and see the band again on their future visits to Israel, and in my stupid little heart I promised her to do so unquestionably, and only wished that I could give her a great big hug for making me as happy as she has.

Friday, November 11, 2011

How virginal does a virgin oracle have to be?

I mean, obviously, she has to be a vagina-virgin. But what about her butt virginity? Is there anything in Greek mythology about virgin oracles who had butt sex? And what about mouth virginity? Is there any evidence of virgin oracles who lost their fortunetelling superpowers after going down on a dude? And handjobs? Are they enough to turn a virgin oracle into an ordinary future-blind little Miss Slutty Vanderslut? And what about virgin oracles who prefer chicks? And why don't you ever hear about male virgin oracles? And where exactly can one apply to get virgin oracle status? These questions and more had passed through my mind yesterday as I was trying to watch Tarsem Singh's latest film, Immortals, but failed to get a clear view of it because the 3D made it so dark I couldn't really make much of the details (it was a Dolby 3D screening at the Rav-Hen Dizengoff). From what I was able to see I could tell that the story wasn't very interesting (as required in the genre), the acting was awful (another requirement), the action wasn't that bad (why else would anyone want to see a sword-and-sandal movie?) and the visuals were pretty interesting (why else would anyone want to see a Tarsem Singh movie?). I really liked the fight scenes that involved gods (you can tell they're gods by the way they're dressed like flaming homosexuals - yeah, even the one chick-god) and I don't believe I've ever seen a minotaur castrating a dude with a really big hammer before, but most of the film was pretty much a pain to watch. I guess the fake 3D wasn't completely horrible, but having seen the trailer in 2D in the past, and how nice and bright it looked, I really would have preferred to see the whole movie that way, and maybe then I would have been able to enjoy it.

Oh, and there's some Australian blonde in it too, but unless I get to see her perform unspeakable acts on this horse here, I don't really give a crap.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

As pointless as a man with red hair

This week I went to see The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, and even though it was kinda fun and the visuals were pretty great and some of the action sequences were really cool and Andy Serkis was AMAZING (as usual) as a big-nosed captain, unfortunately Tintin is the world's greatest non-character, the story wasn't that interesting, the 3D was sort of lame and I still don't get the point of making a Tintin movie in motion capture animation. The way I see it, if you have access to that kind of technology, the first thing you do is make a movie that takes place in an exotic, far away place like Mars or Alpha Centauri or Pandora, and then populate it with all sorts of dragon-like creatures and hordes upon hordes of smoking hot alien chicks with silky green skin and gorgeous faces and fuzzy, wiggly antennas and boobs so pointy they can slice a tongue in half. Instead of going the logical way, for some reason The Adventures of Tintin is about a bunch of dudes doing stuff in a boat, and then some more stuff in some sort of sand country. No aliens, no dragons, no boobs. I mean, I know Hergé was kind of a dick when it came to women, but come on! And that wasn't even the most troubling part of the movie: could someone please explain to me what a bestiality joke is doing in a Tintin movie?! Personally, I would absolutely love to see more English-speaking animated films aimed at adults, but in a movie that goes out of its ways to be kid-friendly, a line about sheep fucking just felt completely out of place. The Adventures of Tintin was enjoyable enough to watch, but the whole thing felt like such a tragic waste of time, money, talent and technology that I don't know if I can trust Steven Spielberg anymore. I think his next movie is about a Nazi-killing horse or something, so maybe that would be kind of cool. Maybe.

And since there aren't any hot chicks in The Adventures of Tintin, here is a photo of the lovely Alexandra Breckenridge, who does an incredible job playing the sexy young version of Frances Conroy in American Horror Story! 

In other news: I finally got to watch A Serbian Film, and to be perfectly honest I thought that the infant porn scene actually made a lot of sense. I mean, think about it: why should an infant's first encounter with adult genitalia be exclusive to vaginas? Right? Think about it. I dare you.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time is Time! Get it?

I never cared much for Gattaca. The sci-fi in it was solid enough, but personally I found the movie cheesy, humorless and overly dramatic. Also, Uma Thurman has a big nose and I don't understand why she keeps getting work. This week I went to see In Time, Andrew Niccol's latest film, and I got pretty much the same deal, only with a whole bunch of lame time puns (you take a cliché about money, and you replace the word 'money' with the word 'time'. hilarious!) and Justin Timberlake instead of Ethan Hawke and Jude Law. As one would expect, Mr. Timberlake does an awful, awful job in it, and whoever told him he could act played a terrible, cruel joke on him. On the ass front we get Olivia Wilde, who is very pretty to look at, but, as anyone who's seen the trailer knows, doesn't last very long in the movie, and Amanda Seyfried in a bad wig, whom I didn't buy for a second as 'the hot chick'. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Seyfried is a very good looking young lady, but she's a tiny bit too weird looking to be movie-beautiful. I didn't suffer too much watching the movie, since between all those cheesy dialogs and tragically obvious social messages there are in fact more than a few interesting ideas, but as far as I'm concerned this is just yet another one of Mr. Niccol's failed attempts to get me to care, and once again, the failure is pretty miserable.

Yeah, I know, I was way cuter in Jennifer's Body

I also went to see Paranormal Activity 3 this week, and it was just a fucking nightmare. The movie itself was okay, as all the Paranormal Activity movies are based on the same simple shtick and are all pretty entertaining in their own way, but the combination of a couple who sat behind me and wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire time, a bunch of noisy kids outside and an usher who insisted that the doors of the theater should remain open at all time made it almost impossible for me to enjoy myself. The only reason I even went was because I don't think that that kind of movie can work for me at home, but now I'm not so sure anymore. If I had even a glimmer of hope for the species, I have lost it that evening.

Bonus love haiku:

Cute girl on the bus:
If you let me lick your nose
You'll get my balloon.