Thursday, January 26, 2012

Lycans and Vampires and Boobs, OMFG!

A couple of days ago I went to see Underworld: Awakening in 3D, and it was so great to see that Kate Beckinsale is still totally hot, even at the ripe old age of 38. I wasn't really expecting much from the fourth installment in the Underworld series, but I actually had loads and loads of fun watching it! For the price of admission you get non-stop action, a story that is actually kind of interesting in an obvious sort of way, some very nice gore shots, cool looking vampires, big scary werewolves (both the CGI and the guy-in-a-rubber-suit variety), a smoking hot Kate Beckinsale in a tight black outfit (and also out if it), a gorgeous little 12 year old hybrid girl (man, was I relieved to find out later that the actress who plays her is actually 18) and a 3D experience that is actually worth the extra 8 shekels, despite the film's dark, blue-tinted color scheme (I guess there's a reason why the Hebrew title of the series is War of Darkness). Swedish directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein did a very nice job with this sequel and proved that they actually know how to shoot a movie in 3D, so they better hurry up and start working on Underworld 5: Revenge of the Vamp MILF as soon as possible, preferably before Ms. Beckinsale hits 40, because there is nothing sadder in the whole wide world than a formerly beautiful woman. If you saw Lauren Holly on Lost Girl this week, you know exactly what I mean.

During my early 20s I went through this phase where basically all I did was play FreeCell and jack off to pictures of Kate Beckinsale. This is what she looked like back then, which oddly enough, really isn't all that different from how she looks now. Good for her.

Bonus haiku:

Oh Kate Beckinsale,
How I want to make sweet love
To your lovely face.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Genital Secretions

Dear Facebook Parents,

How would you like it if I started posting photos of my hand covered in semen on a daily basis? Oh, you wouldn't? Well I don't really enjoy having to look at pictures of things that came out of your genitals, so it would be greatly appreciated if you could please stop posting photos of your children all the time.

Sincerely yours,

A hand with some liquid soap on it

Sunday, January 22, 2012

She can chop mine off any day

Last night I went to see Israeli post-dubstep band Lorena B perform live at the Barby in Tel-Aviv, and as expected, it was pretty damn awesome, even though I have absolutely no idea what post-dubstep means. I first saw Lorena B about a year ago, and I liked them so much that I immediately posted a bunch of inappropriate comments about the unspeakable acts I had wished to perform upon their singer's person. A couple of weeks later she made a post on her Facebook about my post, which freaked me out so bad that up until now I haven't allowed myself to see the band live again. Why did I go this time then? Perhaps I've grown a little during the past ten months, or maybe it was simply the fact that the Barby is located only a ten minute bus ride away from me. Whatever the reason may be, the important thing is that I did go to see them last night, and I was thrilled to find that since last March Lorena B has turned from a great little band with an obscene amount of potential into a full-blown musical monster act that produces some of the most exciting and original sounds I've had the pleasure of hearing this side of the Mediterranean. When I heard the first couple of singles from their new EP I was a little worried, because they kind of sounded to me like pretty much everything they play on the British MTV Dance these days, but up-to-date music should not be mistaken for being merely fashionable, and I have no problem admitting that I was completely wrong. Last night was a lot of fun. So, so much fun. I've had so much fun that I didn't even care that it was pretty hard to find anyone over 30 in the club, because once the band started playing it didn't really matter anymore. Lorena B are simply that good.

Thanks a bunch Adi Ulmansky for not pointing at me during the show and saying "look everybody, that fat ugly guy is a big creepy perv!"

And yes, Adi Ulmansky, the band's singer/songwriter, is still totally fucking hot, but that is no reason to be disrespectful, or so I've been told. True, she is absolutely gorgeous, she's unnaturally talented, her stage presence is magnetic and the beautiful sounds that come out of her throat make you feel like she's making sweet, filthy love to the entire club, but there's no way I'm going to make the same mistake again and describe what she made my bikini areas feel like. I may have missed almost all of the video art on the screen behind her, because one would have to be completely dickless in order to look away from her when she's performing on stage, but I'm still not going to tell you what it was that I had to do yesterday before the show in the privacy of my own home in order to avoid any potential awkwardness. Twice. Because that, would be wrong. So wrong.

I'm not going to embed any of Lorena B's videos here, because that's what got me into trouble in the first place, but you can easily find them on YouTube. Look for Waste, ReFeel, Not Enough and UR, or listen to their fantastic cover of Nirvana's Lithium!

Last night was Lorena B's last Israeli show for a long while, since in two weeks they're flying to the UK, and I so I would like to wish them all the luck in the world even though they don't really need it, because with that kind of sound, and that kind of talent, and that kind of singer, there is absolutely no reason for them not to become totally fucking huge.

Also, nice gams!

See also: Crime and Punishment.

(Update: Lorena B and Adi Ulmansky, Y U NO leave me all by my alone on Facebook? All I ever wanted was to be a creepy weirdo by myself and get zero traffic as usual. So lame)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

10 Minutes into the Future: How a Dork Gets the Girl

Step 1: Construct a device that hijacks audio from nearby portable music players (or phones, or whatever people listen to music on these days).

Step 2: Go to a place where women sit by themselves and listen to music on earphones (public transportation should work just fine).

Step 3: Find a nice looking woman wearing earphones and sit down in front of her, wearing your earphones, which are plugged into the audio hijacking device.

Step 4:

Step 5: Success!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Darkest Hour and a Half

In a world where most commercial 3D projection systems are based on a single projector setup, which decreases image brightness by 50%, filming a movie called The Darkest Hour in 3D isn't exactly the brightest idea in the world. Today I went to see it, and even though this lighthearted tale of alien invasion deep within the Russian wilderness does feature a very cool way to kill off filthy humans, it is most underwhelming in every other respect. The good news is that in anticipation of going to see it, last night I had a dream in which I joined the four guys of The Big Bang Theory in the task of designing our very own homemade 3D projection system, and it was by far the most entertaining dream I've had lately that did not involve urination. And you know who's really hot in that show? The lovely Melissa Rauch, who plays Bernadett! She's Jewish and funny and totally cute and only a month younger than me, and so I would like to take the opportunity to award her this month's Official Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Congratulations, Ms. Rauch! You may now ask my mom for my very manly hand in holy matrimony.

I DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bonus haiku:

Dear Melissa Rauch
You have way too many teeth
Or so it would seem

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dude with Dragon Necktie Seeks Girl with Dragon Tattoo

Today I went to see David Fincher's version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Here's what I liked about it:

  • One of the best opening title sequences I have ever seen at the movies. It felt like David Fincher was raping my eye holes with both his penises, and I absolutely loved it! Too bad the rest of the movie never lives up to the pure awesomeness of its first two and a half minutes.
  • The music. Oh how I hate myself for not going to see Nine Inch Nails and Unkle when they were here in 2007. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
  • Daniel Craig's adorable little kitty cat, right until the point where it, well, stops being adorable.
  • Rooney Mara's portrayal of Lisbeth, the bisexual goth chick who is such a good hacker that she uses Google to look stuff up on Wikipedia.
  • Rooney Mara's lovely boobies.
  • Rooney Mara's pierced nipples.
  • Rooney Mara's spectacular ass.
  • Rooney Mara's neatly trimmed bush.

And here's what I didn't really like about the movie:

  • Every scene Rooney Mara wasn't in, which is basically all the murder mystery stuff, as it just wasn't very interesting, and also kind of hard to follow.

As a whole I've enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo quite a bit, but I still think it's a real shame that Mr. Fincher hasn't been able to produce another masterpiece since the '90s ended. Need a good novel to adapt into a motion picture? Why not Palahniuk!

Holy crap, Rooney is Kate Mara's little sister?! Hotness must run in their family the way obesity does in mine!

Bonus haiku:

Daniel Craig's back
Covered with disgusting moles
I almost threw up

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Haiku of the Day: Happy New Divorce Year Katy Perry!

I really hope they signed a prenup, otherwise Mr. Brand will probably get to keep one

Dear Katy Perry
May I have coitus with you
Now that you're single?

Did you know that all members of the Coleslaw tribe have a genetic disorder that turns their splooge bright green?

Also, now that we know your type:

I'm unattractive
People don't think I'm funny
Why not marry me?

And I couldn't agree with you more:

My sweet Katy P.
Babies sure are disgusting
I'm fine with condoms.

Unless you change your mind:

If you get knocked up
I'd still love your round body
Just watch what you eat.

At the very least,

If I can't have you,
Will you please pose nude online?
Full frontal will do.

Because, you know,

Most women have boobs
Some have spectacular ones
Like Katy Perry!