Monday, February 28, 2011

The Oscars are for fags

And I don't give two shits about them, but jesus, check out the boobs on Mila Kunis!

Will you take your top off already?!

Also: why is it that every time they talk about the situation in Libya on the news it makes me think about Carla Gugino's vagina lips?

(Note: by using the word 'fags' I obviously mean people who care about televised award shows. This is in no way a reference to anyone's sexual orientation, whether they are into boy-on-boy butt sex or otherwise.)

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Another love poem

You're so cute and pretty,
I just want to stick my penis
In your mouth
And never take it out again
Until the day we die
Or at least one of us does.

A cute girl

So yeah, last booze night I watched Sex Drive, starring the lovely Amanda Crew, aka Little Miss Sexy Teeth. I also watched Date Night, and I was trying my very hardest to drink until Tina Fey became hot, but it didn't really work. Luckily, Mila Kunis and Gal Gadot were in it too, so it wasn't a complete waste of booze time.

How about a nice refreshing skull of beer?

Today I went to see Drive Angry, and it was easily the most fun anyone could possibly have while watching Nick Cage being all tough in a silly wig, which is quite a bit of fun indeed! Seriously, Drive Angry has literally everything you could possibly ask for in a 3D cheesy horror/action movie. It's got Nick Cage playing some sort of badass who comes back from hell in order to save some baby or something from being sacrificed by this bunch of emo cult douches who think they're devil worshipers, it's got some really nice and mostly practical gore, it's got a generous amount of that gratuitous, unnecessary nudity I'm so very fond of, it's got some fairly cool 3D moments (in *real* 3D, mind you) and above all, it features one of the hottest pieces of ass this side of the galaxy, the anatomical miracle known in this part of the Milky Way as the luscious Amber Heard! She may not show any real boobage in Drive Angry, but even with her clothes on she is just pure, unadulterated sex. Just imagine watching her driving a car in shorts while singing Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches to the radio. Pure. Fucking. Bliss. And I don't know why so many people seem to dislike Mr. Cage. Have you ever taken part in a huge gun fight while still having sex with a blonde waitress with plastic boobs and won it? Nick Cage has, and he didn't even have to take his clothes off! Drive Angry is good, sleazy 3D fun, and had I any friends I would have definitely recommended it to them all. Only one thing bothered me about it: you do not show a mean satanist with a huge, fake looking curly wig if you're not going to blow the top of his head off. You just don't do that. It's not cool. One can only hope that the satanist's squishy brains will be featured in the unrated version, or this would have been a complete waste of a perfectly silly wig.

I'm still waiting for The Informers 2: Return of the Ambers

And you know what was the best part about going do see Drive Angry? I got to see the trailer for the upcoming 3D documentary about Justin Bieber, in glorious 3D! Man, is she smoking hot or what! I totally dig that very mild tomboy look she's got going for herself. As soon as she turns 18, I'm going to be right there in front of the internet with my pants around my ankles and my throbbing bieber clutched firmly in my hand.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Mmm pie

(Created using the GraphJam LOL builder)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cute, hot, pretty

I was recently made aware of the significant differences between the three known classes of attractiveness in women. I now wish to bestow upon you the knowledge I have managed to gather since then through careful examination of the facts. And so, the easiest way to distinguish between the three classes is as follows:

1. If you find yourself wanting to cuddle with a woman, that means that she is cute.

2. If you find yourself wanting to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman, that means that she is hot.

3. If you find yourself wanting to chop a woman's head off, stuff it full of sawdust, stick glass eyeballs into it and then mount it on a wall, that means that she is pretty.

To reiterate:

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Let's go spelunking!

Today I went to see Sanctum, and it was pretty fun! See, I've always been terrified of caves, or any other type of dark and confining place. I've also been pretty terrified of being underwater. And as of the summer of 2009, I am completely, dreadfully terrified of Australian people. The thing is, I really like being scared at the movies, so being an Australian movie about a group of people who get trapped in a system of underwater caves, Sanctum totally did it for me. Sure, the story, the characters, the dialogs and the acting were all pretty awful, but all those caves sure looked pretty in 3D! A little bit of interesting gore, a couple of nicely placed F words here and there and an overall sense of tension and panic, and I was left pretty much satisfied. If only every movie was filmed with James Cameron's camera system I wouldn't have to scratch my eyes out almost every time I walk out of a 3D movie.

As it turns out, the hottest chick in the movie has a penis!

I find it absolutely hilarious that the name Sanctum rhymes with one of my favorite bodily orifices. I'm sure there's a dirty limerick in there somewhere, but I guess I'm just too damn lazy to explore the wide range of possibilities at the moment.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's Boneslaw!

Introducing Boneslaw, the lovable blog mascot!

Why I don't get laid

Or: New movie posters and other wall stuff.

First, the new posters:

Framed photos of Pusta, the bestest little kitty cat in the whole wide world, may her beautiful little soul rest in peace in kitty heaven:


A 3D lenticular Nightmare poster, purchased in Hamburg:

A Depeche Mode poster, purchased at their show in Israel in 2009:

A manatees calendar:

And finally, a piggies calendar, also purchased in Hamburg:

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Buon compleanno a Jennie!

(that's Italian for "Jennie is getting totally old").

Starring Akira as Mario!

With Augustine as Pizza Kitty!

And Cerridwen as Spaghetti and Meatballs Kitty!