An Unexpected Technology

Yesterday I went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and was completely overwhelmed by the effect of the HFR format. High Frame Rate technology is truly amazing to behold. It is also devastatingly awful. By some miracle of alchemy, because it makes motion look so real, it makes the film look like the opposite of what a cinematic experience is supposed to look, which in turn makes it look completely fake, like watching actors move around a film set. Most of the movie looks like one of those old-timey shot-on-video television dramas, while the CGI looks like it belongs in a video game or an amusement park ride. Whenever an actor makes a quick motion, it looks like someone pushed the fast-forward button. Because of the way single-projector 3D setups work, HFR somehow distorts the 3D effect, so that fast-moving objects seem to float against the background. Worst of all, it made my eyes physically hurt during the first hour or so of the screening. And yet, the high frame rate really does turn The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey into an awe-inspiring visual experience. Most of the time I found it to be completely distracting, but when it does work, it works like nothing you've ever seen on a screen. The next two Hobbit films have already been shot, so they'll probably bear similar flaws, but I think it's fair to assume that by the time James Cameron starts shooting the Avatar sequels next year they'll be able to work out the kinks and make HFR look absolutely spectacular.

So how was the actual movie? Well, obviously, it was way too long for is own good, but not half as boring as I thought it would be. The Gollum scene alone was worth the price of admission, and the rest was pretty cool too, so I will definitely be revisiting the world of The Hobbit in December 2013 as well as December 2014, if only to see the cute talking dragon. I sure do love those cute talking dragons.

Sara Canning does not star in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey because she doesn't have a penis, but what she lacks in genitalia she certainly makes up for with a truly glorious mouth, and right now she's the only reason I still watch Primeval: New World.

Uncle Ben's DinoZoo!

I've been spending quite a bit of time lately thinking about building my very own zoo, except instead of animals, this zoo would have life-sized animatronic dinosaurs in huge cages, and animatronic pterosaurs in huge aviaries, and animatronic ichthyosaurs and plesiosaurs in gigantic aquariums. And they wouldn't be the kind you see in museums, where they just stand there and maybe roar a little every couple of minutes. No, my animatronic dinosaurs would walk around, fly, swim, fight each other, eat, poop, mate and basically act just like the real thing, except they'd be REALLY pissed off about being trapped in some lame 21st century cage, so every once in a while a couple of raptors would figure out how to open their cage and run free around the zoo and maybe eat a bunch of visitors to death, and I'd be all like, "hey, life finds a way!" and everybody would get the reference and laugh and forget all about the mutilated corpses. And then the dinozoo would become so popular and make me so much money that I'd be able to expand and start an animatronic cryptozoo, with animatronic dragons and sea monsters and griffins and grey aliens and unicorns and chupacabras and sasquatches and mermaids, and the mermaids wouldn't be all sexy and wearing seashells for bikini tops, no, they'd be all weird-looking and scaly and they'd have these long, razor-sharp teeth and they'd creep everybody out. And I'd name one of the sea monsters Nessie and program her to let me ride her in the giant sea monsters aquarium and I would love her and care for her and be her best and only friend and she would be mine and maybe, just maybe, I could then finally die a happy, happy boy.


(Note: this post was first published in my OkCupid profile, which is the only reason why it doesn't include any references to small children getting ripped apart by mechanical velociraptors or being thrown into the mermaid habitat for laughs.)

Awesome Junkyard Monsters!

This fantastic creation is the brainchild of artist Peter Poddubni (I hope that's the right spelling). Made of nothing but discarded old pieces of machinery, it was displayed last week at the Creation Cycle exhibition at the Yaffo port, and I WANT IT ALL FOR MYSELF.

(Photos courtesy of my Mom and her phone, since I didn't have my camera with me.)

Wikipedia is a Treacherous, Two-Headed Bitch

The last time I looked up Wrath of the Titan on Wikipedia, which was about a couple of months ago, it said that unlike its predecessor, the new movie was shot in native 3D. Yesterday I went to see it, and from the first few frames of footage it became painfully clear that I had just wasted perfectly good money on yet another 3D converted mess. Sure, 3D conversions aren't the eyesores they used to be two years ago, and the CGI in the movie, of which there's quite a bit, was clearly rendered in 3D, but had I known about it beforehand, there's no way I'd have entered the theater willingly. How was the movie then? Well, these movies don't really have much to offer other than big scary monsters, and I guess those weren't all that bad, and there was also this one scene in some sort of maze that was really cool, but I still wish I were smart enough to avoid it altogether. And the moral of the story is: when in doubt, always check Wikipedia right before going to the movies.

And since I didn't find any of the actresses in Wrath of the Titans to be particularly fap-worthy, here is a photo of the luscious Sarah Jones, who looked so pretty on Alcatraz that I barely even noticed her mediocre acting skills!

And what's with those oversized boobs anyway? I'm so tired of getting a semi-chubby every time she runs after someone

John Carter of Mehs

Today I went to see John Carter, and it just wasn't very good. It was way too cheesy for its own good, I didn't care at all about any of the characters, the creature design wasn't very interesting (all the green dudes looked pretty much the same to me), Mars was all brown and dusty and depressing and the whole thing just felt more like a Disney cartoon circa 2000 ("funny" dog sidekick included) than a real movie. And while the fake 3D wasn't completely awful, there were still plenty of mistakes to distract me from the rest of the awfulness (it's a good thing I remembered to bring a pair of 2D glasses from home, which was very helpful during most of the Earth scenes). If you enjoy weird alien names and you like your movies to have more corn in them than a Romanian peasant's belly, John Carter is definitely the right choice for you. Otherwise, just watch Avatar again, where at least some of the freaky native life forms were hot.

Lynn Collins, Y U NO show your boobs more during your short time on True Blood???

You know what's weird though? Before the movie they showed a trailer for The Avengers, and I'll be darned if the fake 3D didn't look great! I am officially confused, and I'm going to have to think long and hard about it. Hopefully when the movie comes out in May everything will be cleared up.

Apparently it's Ancient Japanese for Totally Fucking Awesome

Yesterday I went to see Bunraku, and despite the fact that there were more Israeli guys involved in its production than there are in most local films, it was actually pretty great! Directed by Israeli Guy Moshe, Bunraku is a film-noir/western/samurai story set in a futuristic world where guns have been outlawed, everything looks like it's made of construction paper and it's perfectly acceptable to call Japanese people 'orientals'. Josh Hartnett is an exquisitely beautiful man with really creepy facial hair, Woody Harrelson is a bartender who serves overpriced whiskey to unsuspecting customers, Gackt Camui is some sort of hermaphrodite, Kevin McKidd is a badass Scottish dude, Demi Moore is a hooker with a heart of coal and Ron Perlman is just about the coolest guy on the face of the planet. The story is a little too complicated for its own good and I'm not sure I fully understood it all, but in a movie that is basically a two hour long visual mind fuck, I don't think it matters that much. It's like a martial arts movie, an arthouse film, a video game and a comic book all ganged up on a Broadway musical and had a bastard lovechild that doesn't look like anything I've ever seen before. There is absolutely nothing realistic about the movie, not the acting, not the sets and not the special effects, but that's just part of the magical weirdness that is Bunraku, an experience that completely took me by surprise. I don't know who this Guy Moshe character is and who was crazy enough to give him the money to make this movie, but Bunraku is easily one of the coolest things I've seen in the last couple of years, and I expect great things from him in the future.

It's nice to see that Demi Moore has managed to lose that disgusting beer belly since the early '90s. Other than that, she looks pretty much the same

Bonus haiku:

In my opinion
That mole on Josh Hartnett's throat
Needs to get looked at

How virginal does a virgin oracle have to be?

I mean, obviously, she has to be a vagina-virgin. But what about her butt virginity? Is there anything in Greek mythology about virgin oracles who had butt sex? And what about mouth virginity? Is there any evidence of virgin oracles who lost their fortunetelling superpowers after going down on a dude? And handjobs? Are they enough to turn a virgin oracle into an ordinary future-blind little Miss Slutty Vanderslut? And what about virgin oracles who prefer chicks? And why don't you ever hear about male virgin oracles? And where exactly can one apply to get virgin oracle status? These questions and more had passed through my mind yesterday as I was trying to watch Tarsem Singh's latest film, Immortals, but failed to get a clear view of it because the 3D made it so dark I couldn't really make much of the details (it was a Dolby 3D screening at the Rav-Hen Dizengoff). From what I was able to see I could tell that the story wasn't very interesting (as required in the genre), the acting was awful (another requirement), the action wasn't that bad (why else would anyone want to see a sword-and-sandal movie?) and the visuals were pretty interesting (why else would anyone want to see a Tarsem Singh movie?). I really liked the fight scenes that involved gods (you can tell they're gods by the way they're dressed like flaming homosexuals - yeah, even the one chick-god) and I don't believe I've ever seen a minotaur castrating a dude with a really big hammer before, but most of the film was pretty much a pain to watch. I guess the fake 3D wasn't completely horrible, but having seen the trailer in 2D in the past, and how nice and bright it looked, I really would have preferred to see the whole movie that way, and maybe then I would have been able to enjoy it.

Oh, and there's some Australian blonde in it too, but unless I get to see her perform unspeakable acts on this horse here, I don't really give a crap.

Some quick catching up!

The first thing I did after coming back from Montenegro and after that whole explosive diarrhea phase came to a blissful end was to go see the Fright Night remake. It was pretty entertaining, but not very memorable, despite a hilarious performance by the previous Doctor Who as some sort of goth wizard dude. The only thing that stood out about it was how the 3D in the movie was wholly unimpressive, despite having been shot in 3D. Here's some good advice for you future filmmakers out there: shooting a film in 3D is an art. You can't just point and shoot, and you have to know what you're doing, otherwise it looks pretty much like a stupid 3D conversion, and a flat one at that, minus the awful screw-ups.

The next day I went to see the Conan the Barbarian remake, and even though the movie itself was a fun and gory sleaze fest, the gawd-awful 3D conversion pretty much ruined the whole experience for me. In an endless sea of horrible 3D conversions, the new Conan movie shines as the ugliest piece of conversion trash I have seen so far, which is quite a feat indeed. It did, however, inspire me to construct my very own pair of 2D glasses, so I suppose it wasn't a complete waste of my time.

And last week I went to see Cowboys & Aliens and I've enjoyed it quite a bit, but mostly because I'm such a huge sucker for cool alien-type creatures and not because it was a good movie or anything. I've enjoyed the action sequences and the special effects, but the unfortunately weak script was a complete waste of Jon Favreau's talent. Also, the movie had that guy from Dexter! And those two guys from Carnivàle! And that guy from The Shield! And that one really old guy from that old movie with all the dorky lightsabers! And even that oddly hot chick from Tron Legacy! So yeah, I had a moderate amount of fun, but I don't think I'll ever want to watch it again, ever.

And then I went to see Blonde Redhead and Jane's Addiction perform live in Tel-Aviv, and that was pretty fun, even though the hardcore Jane's fans acted like FUCKING ANIMALS and one of them jumped on my big toe and it really hurt. Blonde Redhead were really great, and their opening performance lasted over an hour, which was nice. The thing is, while Perry Farrell is still totally cool, I thought that Dave Navarro looked like a flaming queen, and the fact that every single woman on the planet wants to get into his pants is a testament to what a profoundly screwed up gender they belong to.

Finally, last night I went to take part in the largest political rally in the history of Israel (around 300,000 protesters in Tel-Aviv alone, plus about 150,000 more nation wide), and it was pretty damn cool. And yeah, despite what a lot of people here claim, it was definitely political, and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would definitely like to have sexual intercourse with Daphni Leef. In the vagina. Oh yeah. Vagina-sex with the so-called leader of the protest. Right in the vagina.

Rose McGowan, Y U no be in better movies???

Bonus haiku:
Teen girl on the bus
When you scratch between your boobs
It brings me great joy.

Buy holy water: now with 30% less pee!

Yesterday I went to see Season of the Witch, and it was actually loads and loads of good, cheesy fun. Season of the Witch is a movie about two guys whose job used to be fighting in the name of that invisible bearded dude who lives on a cloud, but now they have to help transport an adorable little witchy witch who's apparently responsible for the Black Plague from point A to point B, for some reason. It's not the most intelligent film in the history of modern filmmaking, but it does have witches, demons, Black Plague zombies and scary demonic wolves, so really, how could I possibly not love it? It also has Nicolas Cage in a silly wig, the marvelously handsome Ron Perlman, Christopher Lee in some pretty awesome and very creepy makeup, the cheeky guy from Misfits and Claire Foy as the cute little witch who looks even cuter with no clothes on. So yeah, I really liked it, despite the lame PG-13 rating which prevented any chance of serious on-screen boobage. At least I got to see the wonderfully dreamy Ron Perlman with his beautiful, manly face completely free of any red makeup. Yum!

Chicks with back scars are totally hot!

This is the 200th post in this blog, and I am pleased to announce that Allergic to Coleslaw has recently been awarded the title of Best Blog in 2011 That Nobody Ever Ever Reads by Hairy Teen Asshole Magazine, online edition. Hooray!

37 is the new 40

Once a chick hits 37

She's hardly a chick anymore,

Because once a chick hits 37

She's a full grown woman,

And nobody wants to see a fully grown woman

Trying to be sexy on the screen.

This was recently scientifically proven

By taking a bunch of dudes

And attaching electrodes to their junk

And making them watch the complete box set

Of Friends.

Once Courteney Cox turned 37,

Between the 7th and 8th seasons,

The show started to go down hill,

And so did the dudes' schlongs,

Along with Mrs. Cox's boobs.

My point is,

Cougars are gross.

Unless they're real cougars.

You know, the kitty kind.

Those are really cute.

A 36 year old woman

So I've been watching Lost Girl, which is a new Canadian show about this sexy succubus who tries to find her parents while making out with werewolves and blonde doctor chicks. So far it's been very entertaining, it's fun and cheesy and funny and sleazy, but the thing I don't get about it is that the main character, succubus Bo, is supposed to be 28, while Anna Silk who plays her is going to turn 37 by the end of January 2011. I mean, don't get me wrong, Ms. Silk is one smoking hot little lady with a gorgeous face and killer boobs, but I don't really see how she'll be able to continue to play a luscious sex-crazed demoness in the second season. Casting her in that role was either a very courageous move or a very dumb one. On the other hand, when you look at how new TV shows are constantly being cancelled these days, there's a good chance that an awesome show like Lost Girl won't last for more than a single season. Sigh.

Also, look for those funny Nicoderm commercials on YouTube, in which Anna Silk plays a bitchy air waitress! I definitely wouldn't mind having her yell at me for the entire duration of an intercontinental flight.

Quite a bit of catching up

OK, let's start with today. I finally found the time and courage to watch the ultimate cut of Watchmen, and the parts during which I didn't zone out were pretty good, I guess. This movie, and especially this 215-minute cut, is a mixed bag of all kinds of crazy stuff. I absolutely adore the original graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, which I guess is one of the reasons why I feel so ambivalent about it. Another would be the fact that I really really liked Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead, but since then I've learned that without a solid script by James Gunn Mr. Snyder's work tends to get all over the place. I mean, 300 was on OK movie, but his next film is going to feature talking animated owls, dramatic slow motion shots included! That's just seven different kinds of lame. And then there's the acting in Watchmen, which is generally just awful. Most of the actors look right for their roles, and I know that at least some of them are actually pretty good at their job, but somehow they all manage to deliver their lines in the most boring and stupid way possible. Maybe Mr. Moore was right and some comic books should never be adapted into anything that isn't a comic book, but I'd like to think that it could have been done much better. That said, I'm the sort of person who'll watch anything with Matt Frewer, especially if he's wearing some kind of facial prosthetics, so not all the performances were a total loss. And Malin Åkerman always does a really nice job playing really hot chicks, especially ones who like to have hot naked sex in chilly hovercrafts. My biggest problem with the movie was of course its conclusion. It's like, what, they ran out of money near the end so they just decided to skip the whole monster thing? You do not skip the monster! You never ever skip the monster! Why would anyone want to take a story that ends with a cool looking giant monster and make a movie out of it that has absolutely no monsters in it?! This is completely beyond me. Aren't giant tentacle monsters the main reason why people go to the movies in the first place? Or is it just me? What a stupid, stupid thing to do. I would've happily overlooked everything else, even the cool-yet-wholly-unnecessary gore, had they just given me my beloved multicolored monster. But they chose not to. Hence, they suck. The ultimate cut is basically the 186-minute director's cut with Tales of the Black Freighter edited into it. I have to admit that I never really got the point of the Black Freighter story in the original work, but this animated version makes even less sense edited into the rest of the film like that. It's completely distracting, and it turns a ridiculously long movie into a near-unwatchable one. I still kinda like the film version of Watchmen, but it's going to be a long while before I ever go near it again, and it's definitely not going to be this cut of the film. Three and a half hours is just too long for an action movie, and if you can't tell a story in less than two hours you shouldn't be making movies. I hear they can do wonderful things with television these days.

Who watches Malin Åkerman? I have no idea, but don't they

have the awesomest job in the world?

A couple of weeks ago I went to see Les Aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec (The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec), directed by Luc Besson and based on the French-Belgian comics by Jacques Tardi. It was pretty cool, if a bit too French for my liking. French films are known far and wide for featuring extremely unfunny humor and women with unattractive mole patterns, and this one is no different, but there was enough cool CGI in it to keep me happy, including an adorable baby pterosaur and a whole lot of reanimated mummies. Louise Bourgoin was pretty good as the pre-WWI Parisian journalist/adventurer, and she does show her boobs in the movie, so I thought that was worth mentioning. Personally, I would have preferred more screen time for the cute pterosaur instead, but I guess that's just me again.

Nice belly button, Louise Bourgoin!

I also finally watched Gentlemen Broncos, and it was totally friggin' awesome! It was written and directed by the guy who made Napoleon Dynamite, but it's so much better than that. Jemaine Clement is hilarious as usual, and the rest of the cast does an incredible job portraying characters that are sad, pathetic and utterly clueless, and yet pretty damn charming in their own various ways. It's the sort of movie that was obviously made with deep passion for classic science fiction, fans of science fiction and hopeless dorks everywhere, so really, how could I possibly not fall in love with it? The Yeast Lords sequences, starring Sam Rockwell as some sort of long haired futuristic dude who rides a flying laser-shooting deer and for some reason keeps losing his balls, are worth the price of admission alone. Which I happened to not pay. Because I was forced to download it in HD. Because they never showed it in theaters here. Because they are retarded. And probably devoid of any reproductive organs. Unless you count anuses as reproductive organs, which is just fine an a life style, but does tend to produce rather unattractive babies. Brown babies. Smelly babies. Babies so foul you can't really do anything with them except flush them right down the toilet, to live among giant sewer alligators and mutated talking turtles. Awesome.

Halley Feiffer. Dorks are totally hot!

Even before I visited Hamburg I went to see The Disappearance of Alice Creed. I guess it was a pretty good movie, but that's not really why I or anyone else with a penis would enjoy it. You want to know the real reason? I've got three words for you: Gemma. Arterton. Naked. It doesn't get much better than that. Or doesn't it? What if we'll throw in some handcuffs? Pretty hot, right? Yeah. That's the good stuff. But wait, it gets even better! How about a shiny red ball gag? That's just enough to make you cream your pants, isn't it? Which brings me to the final selling point. If you'll decide to watch The Disappearance of Alice Creed, you are going to get a chance to see Gemma Arterton pee in a bedpan. That's right. A bedpan. By now, if you still haven't started looking for a way to see the movie, you're probably some sort of chick, and for that you have my full sympathies. And hey, did you know that Ms. Arterton was born with six fingers in each hand? If that's not the hottest thing I've ever heard, then I don't know what is!

If you look closely enough, you can kinda make out the scars!

I also watched Fantastic Mr. Fox, at home, in HD, once again because they never showed it in theaters here, even though they were supposed to. Which is a big fat shame, because for a movie with lots of cute talking animals it is actually beyond great. I love stop-motion animation and I love stop-motion animation that's meant for adults, but most of all I love adult stop-motion animation that's actually good. Because the basic concept of this type of animation is so, well, basic (not to say primitive), you can see quite a bit of it out there these days, but most of it is pure crap, the main flaw being poor character design. Look for the trailer for an Israeli/Australian co-production called $9.99 and you'll know what I mean. Fantastic Mr. Fox, however, is beautiful to behold in every way, and the story is pretty cool too. Something about a talking fox who likes to get drunk on cider, I think. The only thing I didn't like about it was George Clooney's voice work, but it's not really his fault that he sounds like a smug douche, now is it?

It was either this or a photo of Meryl Streep. *shudders*

I also went to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and it was pretty boring actually. I expected much more from the guy who directed all those cool Garbage videos back in the '90s, but I guess it just goes to show you that you can't trust anybody these days. There was absolutely nothing cool or interesting or special about it, and the new Freddy makeup design was a huge disappointment. I don't care that he looks more like a real burn victim now! He just doesn't look cool anymore!!! The whole thing was a complete waste of my time, and there wasn't even any noteworthy TnA to help pass that long hour and a half. What an utter waste of a perfectly good mythology. And you just know that they're going to make a sequel in a couple of years, which I'm going to have to sit through once again, so they better wise up by then and cast a bunch of genuinely hot chicks who can actually look scared and not wear a bra at the same time.

If you poop in your dreams, you poop for real!

I also watched the original I Spit on Your Grave, and despite the plot being about a chick who gets gang raped and then kills her attackers off one by one, it was actually pretty awful. The 1978 Dumb Broad Award goes to Camille Keaton for marrying Meir Zarchi, the Israeli director of I Spit on Your Grave. Here's a tip for all you ladies out there: if some sleazy Middle Eastern dude makes you roll around naked in a forest and get pretend-raped by a bunch of rednecks for half a movie with promises of fame and fortune, it might be a good idea to not marry him. Got it? Sleazy Israeli, butt rape, no marriage. There. I just saved you a lifetime of grief and bad hummus. On the other hand, the trailer for the new remake looks pretty damn good. Let us all just hope that when the time comes I'll be able to keep my pants zipped all the way up at the theater!

This is what happens when you get involved with a creepy Israeli dude.

Finally, last week I saw Inception, but I need to see it at least one more time before I can write anything half-coherent about it. Yeah, it was that kind of awesome.

Freckles Galore at the new Rav-Hen

A couple of weeks ago they finally reopened the old Rav-Hen theater at Dizengoff Square, so naturally I had to go and take a look myself. The new theaters look pretty nice, but I was pretty bummed out by the fact that all the new screens' aspect ratio is about 1:1.85, which means that movies shot in scope take up only 75% of the screen. That's right, from now on the projected image at the Dizengoff Rav-Hen of movies shot in scope is actually smaller than that of standard movies, which goes against the whole basic idea of shooting a movie in scope! Once again I am reminded of that ancient and timeless truth that everybody's an asshole. They even got rid of the beautiful red curtain! Oh well. At least it's an all-digital theater now. On to the movies themselves then. First I went to see Price of Persia: The Sands of Time, because it was shown in the largest and nicest theater in the complex, which is supposed to be the largest theater in Israel at around 500 seats. Also, seeing Gemma Arterton on a big screen makes me feel like there's a party in my pants and every one of my limbs is invited, but that was more like the carob tree-smelling icing on my very pathetic little cake. I suppose the movie was OK for what it was, but apart from the pattern of freckles on Ms. Arterton's face it was completely unmemorable. And Jake Gyllenhaal is an action star about as much as I am a porn star, in the sense that you can tell that he really wants to be one, but sadly he simply doesn't have the goods. Poor little guy. Poor, self deluded, off-putting box office drag. Anyway. A few days later I went to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in one of the smaller theaters in the same complex, and I actually really liked it. I can't say I'm a huge Terry Gilliam fan, as most of his films aren't as well structured as I usually like my movies to be, but this one was entertaining enough for me to disregard the confusing plot. Now, I can't be completely certain, but I'm pretty sure that The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is about some sort of immortal doctor named Parnassus who operates a traveling stage show along with his smoking hot redheaded daughter, some kid who looks like a young Rowan Atkinson (only not as physically appealing) and Mini-Me dressed like a rat, because every traveling show needs a Mini-Me who dresses like a smelly rodent. For some reason the good doctor keeps making these horribly stupid bets with the Devil, the latest of which means that as soon as his scrumptious daughter turns sweet sixteen he's going to have to hand her sweet little ass over to the master of down under. Sure, he tries to make everybody believe that his baby girl is still only twelve years old, but as anyone can clearly see from the October 2008 Issue of the French edition of Playboy, there are some sweater puppies you just can't hide forever, and for a good reason indeed. A couple of days before the plump-cheeked little vixen is about to become a woman, the merry group finds a dead Australian dude hanging by his neck from a bridge. Or is he in fact dead? On the one hand, he seems to be breathing and walking around and being what passes for charming these days. On the other hand, he looks suspiciously like Heath Ledger, who I'm pretty sure was killed by Batman a couple of years ago. So now Parnassus is going to use this mysterious young stranger to try and win yet another bet with the Devil by winning over five human souls using his fancy Imaginarium thingy, which I guess is some sort of mystical device that lets people live out their innermost desires without going online. The way that every time that Ledger's character crosses over to the Imaginarium it is portrayed by a different actor with identical creepy facial hair almost makes sense, which turned out to be enough, so it didn't make me feel too distracted. What did keep distracting me was how deliciously luscious Lily Cole is. At first I thought she was too weird looking, with those freakishly large cheeks and the general Close Encounters vibe, but her look quickly grew on me so that by the time she showed some skin on screen I was very nearly at semi-full salute. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a pretty cool little film with some very neat visuals and an interesting and exciting story that at times managed to touch my non-dangly bits, and I'm definitely going to watch it again as soon as I, you know, feel like it.

This looks like a 12 year old girl about as much as I do

I know nobody is supposed to care about the Eurovision song contest except queers, the mentally disabled and people over the age of 50, but last night's 19 year old winner is just so cute and German that I'm seriously thinking about crossing over to the poofy side just so I could worship the ground she walks on from a more socially acceptable standpoint. I think it's a sound plan, don't you?

Even gay dudes have a chubby for Lena Meyer-Landrut!

Clash of the Clash of the Titanses

A few weeks ago I went to see the new Clash of the Titans in 3D and was severely traumatized by the whole experience, but more on that later. More than anything it made me want to watch the original movie again, and so earlier this week I watched it on my awesome new TV and was thrilled to discover that it was even better than I had remembered. I mean, sure, it's pretty much 100% pure cheese, and if you happen to be one of those freaks who claim they can't metabolize lactose you better stay clear of it or suffer the consequences, but isn't that the whole point of making a two-hour sword and sandal epic complete with '50s style stop motion animation? There's so much cool stuff in there I wouldn't know where to begin. It totally reminded me of the time I visited Berlin's Film and Television Museum in 2007 and they had the most amazing exhibition of Ray Harryhausen's work, and my brain got so overloaded by being in the presence of all those incredible creations that by the time I got to the exhibition's guestbook all I could write was the word AWESOME next to a silly little happy face. After I first watched the movie as a kid on TV I got sort of obsessed with the idea that there is a gigantic reptile imprisoned in a huge underwater cave somewhere in the vicinity of Andromeda's Rock in Jaffa. Sadly, as hard as I looked, I was never been quite able to spot the creature in that area, but the image of the Kraken swimming out of its cave and up to the water's surface has continued to haunt me for years. Now, he original Clash of the Titan is a timeless creation that is truly the stuff dreams are made of, so there was no way a remake, any remake, by any director, would ever come even a tiny bit close to its mighty awesomeness, and in no way did I go into the theater expecting to see a masterpiece. I'd seen all the trailers, so I was pretty sure I knew what I was getting myself into, but nothing could have prepared me for the horror that is Clash of the Titans 3D. I mean, the movie itself wasn't that bad, and I'm sure that if I were to gauge one of my eyes prior to the screening I might have even enjoyed Jake Sully's adventures in Mythland quite a bit, but the studio geniuses who decided that the film demanded a brief two week long conversion to 3D have robbed me of every last second of fun I could have experienced in the theater. Once again I was reminded of how everybody in Hollywood is an asshole, and how some people will stop at nothing to make a few extra bucks. These are the kind of rotten bastards who could single-handedly destroy the future of 3D cinema, because really, what kind of moron would ever want to knowingly pay money to see a 3D nightmare that looks even worse than the most horrible cut-out puppet theatre you could possibly imagine? This movie was never a work of art, and even the creature designs weren't all that exciting, but the awful 3D conversion makes everything in it look so fake and distorted it literally insults your eyes' capacity to, you know, see stuff. If it weren't for all the hot chicks in togas there would have been a good chance I would have just left the theater halfway through this 4K disaster. However, Gemma Arterton is just way too lovely to say no to. I've only seen her before in those awful trailers for Prince of Persia, but these days I suffer from a physical inability to produce an erection while looking at something produced by Disney, so I guess I hadn't payed enough attention to how painfully attractive she really is. Alexa Davalos is an extremely beautiful and talented young actress who first got my attention when she guest starred in one of those TV shows about cuddly tormented vampires, and yet for some reason she doesn't seem to get enough work in the industry, at least not as much as I'd like her to get. It probably just means that she's not too great at sucking cock, which is really the only way to get ahead in life, but I guess it's just one of those traits you have to be born with. In any way, those two were the only two things that made the experience of Clash of the Titans 3D even remotely bearable for me, even if they did remain fully clothed the entire time, and I'd like thank them deeply for that, as deeply and passionately as physically and humanly possible.

Gemma Arterton's incredible front side

Alexa Davalos probably stinks at performing fellatio

Gemma Arterton's spectacular back side

This Saturday is going to be Caroline Dhavernas' 32nd birthday, which means that in four days I'll be only one decade away from being able to star in my very own production of a popular Judd Apatow comedy. Hooray!

Happy Birthday Caroline! Best wishes, hugs, kisses and creepy hair sniffing!

Trapped in Underland

Last week I finally went to see the new Alice in Wonderland in 3D, directed by some douche who worked as an animator on Disney's The Fox and the Hound and starring his steady boyfriend and this little Australian chick who used to play this little American chick that was based on some little Israeli chick, and I did not like it one bit. I had to wait until Passover was over before I could go see it, because, you know, children are slimy little monsters who should be smothered in their sleep while they're young, but I didn't really mind waiting because I had a pretty good idea what it was going to be like. In this version Alice is this 19 year old blonde who lives in the Victorian age and has absolutely no sex appeal whatsoever. For some reason this dorky guy who likes to poop a lot (and don't we all?) wants to get into her pants, which means he's going to have to make an honest woman of her first, but she's obviously so terrified of a little cock that she'd rather jump into a big hole in the ground than let anyone jump into her own little one. Down below she gets gently molested by a bottle and a cookie (hehe... 'Eat me'!) and meets a whole bunch of painfully annoying characters who send her on a quest to chop the head off the only truly cool character in the entire movie, the adorable and awesome looking Jabberwocky. During this quest she is going to learn some stuff about herself (yawn) and eventually be allowed to wear pants like a normal person. Take THAT, 19th century society! My theory is that a film director is only as good as the hotness of the chick to which he is currently sticking it. Tim Burton met Lisa Marie in 1992 and was engaged to her until 2001, during which time he's directed Batman Returns, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks and Sleepy Hollow and produced The Nightmare Before Christmas. In 2001 he dumped Lisa Marie for Helena Bonham Carter, and since then he's directed the Planet of the Apes remake, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride and now this mess of an Alice adaptation. Lisa Marie, as you can clearly see below, is totally hot, and has played such roles as a big-boobed '50s goth chick and a crazy space alien disguised as a big-boobed chick whose mouth you wouldn't want to get any of your body parts into. Helena Bonham Carter, on the other hand, is only allowed to play nice characters under a thick layer of monkey makeup, and had to get a boob double for the legendary Fight Club sex scene, which means that her own pair must be seven different kinds of awful. I think that pretty much proves my point. What really bugged me about this movie, aside from the bad writing, boring character designs and the unimaginably awful dance sequence, is that the whole 'woman empowerment' thing was already totally pathetic like a decade ago. Do young women really need to be empowered in 2010? I don't know where and when the people who made this piece of dodo crap live, but in my world he who controls the boobies controls the universe, and by 'he' I mean 'she', and by 'boobies' I mean the silly lumps human females grow on their chests as front butts, and by 'universe' I mean us dudes. The last thing women need these days is more power, and any movie that takes a wonderfully imaginative and fun classic like the Alice books and turns it into Harry friggin' Potter on estrogen is nothing short of an abomination. For me it's simply yet another reminder that 3D can't turn garbage into gold. While Avatar took me out of the theater and into Pandora, a beautiful world of fun and excitement that I never wanted to leave, this version of Alice made me feel like I was trapped in this dark and oppressive little place where everybody seemed to try their best to annoy the poop out of me. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to see the new Clash of the Titans, and I really hope I'll get to see at least one or two really hot and scantly clad 3D chicks, or else I may be forced to get a little bit cranky.

The awesomest thing Tim Burton has ever done

I take back anything bad I've ever said about the new season of Doctor Who. Any season of Doctor Who is only as good as the current Doctor's companion, and this new one is so damn cute and Scottish that I find it extremely difficult to watch the episodes and wear pants at the same time. Keep up the good work BBC, and don't let last season's casting tragedy repeat itself ever again!

Look for Karen Gillan's drunken photos online. They're sexylarious!

Lumpensammler and damn proud of it

A couple of days ago I happened to find this adorable meter high wooden bear on the sidewalk, after someone must have stupidly thrown it away. I cleaned it, polished it and scraped all the ugly, flaking white paint off the base, and now it's better than ever! I can't believe I was allowed to bring it into the apartment and I still have my worries about that, but as long as it's here I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. I can't even look at it without giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl with a tentacle up her snatch!

Grrr


Argghh

In other news: last week I watched Big Man Japan, and I really liked it. It's set in a world where Japan is being protected against giant monsters by a race of Big Japanese Men, who can turn huge in combat but live otherwise perfectly normal lives. The monsters in this movie are just awesome beyond words, but I guess I'm just not really into the whole fake documentary thing. The last ten minutes are completely hilarious and have to be seen to be believed, even though I can't say I understood any of what was going on. Something about grown men in funny costumes running around a miniature set of Tokyo and beating the crap out of some dude in a devil costume. Cool beans.

Anybody wanna see my one-eyed crotch-snake?

Also, I've recently finished watching Hyperdrive, a British sci-fi sitcom from a couple of years ago, and I guess it was reasonably funny, if a tad too British for my taste. The chubby dude from Spaced is pretty damn adorable, but I'm not sure if being adorable is the right base for being funny. Really cool alien makeup designs though, throughout both seasons. Too bad there wasn't more of that. That, and cyborg sex. You can never have too much cyborg horniness in a sci-fi comedy.

Cyborgs are sexy!

Last month they had a bunch of TV shows you could watch for free on VOD, so I watched the first two seasons of Mad Men in ten days. I guess it's an OK show, though it sure could have used some more 30 ft lizard monsters and killer robots and crazy space aliens from outer space, not to mention some naked boobs. Christina Hendricks is absolutely gorgeous, but if her breasts were any larger she'd, um, have really really big boobs. Which would be sort of awesome, I guess.

Christina Hendricks' boobs. In the background: Christina Hendricks

They had the first season of Nurse Jackie for free too, so I watched it as well. The biggest problem with the show in my opinion is that Edie Falco looks like a dude, and not a particularly attractive one at that, so the idea of her being able to attract three different hunky males simultaneously seems a little far-fetched. At the same time, I was delighted to be reintroduced to the adorable Merritt Wever, who played the confused pharmacy chick in Signs. I totally want her to be my new girlfriend. She's exactly the sort of woman you want to be sticking it to while thinking about other, much hotter chicks.

Cute!

I saw this previously perfectly attractive young actress at the organic supermarket last week, and for some reason she had some kind of baby strapped onto her chest, and her hair was a mess. I'm sorry, but chicks who allow themselves to get knocked up are retarded. They should just go adopt a puppy or something. At least dogs don't grow up and start talking back.

Riki Blich in better days

Finally, I went to see Avatar today for the fifth time, and I still enjoyed it very much. It's funny how the worst display of acting in the whole movie comes from none other than Sigourney Weaver. Giovanni Ribisi, on the other hand, is surprisingly good, and is completely believable as a corporate dick, thick musky pubes included. Sam Worthington does a pretty good job too, especially when he's using his avatar, though it pains me to think that in real life whenever he opens his mouth he sounds like Crocodile Dundee. The best performance is easily Zoe Saldana's Neytiri. Ah, Neytiri. Now there's a Na'vi I would love to see into. I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but when Neytiri laughs, my heart laughs. And when Neytiri cries, my heart cries. And when Neytiri smiles... oh, when she smile. When Neytiri smiles I just wanna crawl up that giant blue vagina of hers and curl up in there until the day I die. Lovely.

A woman standing next to a giant blue vagina