Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Art of Fart

Killer Vaginas in the Middle East

As anyone who actually took the time to read one of my posts here knows, I have a problem with women. More than one problem, actually, and for various valid reasons. However, being utterly terrified of women does not mean that I hate them in any sort of way. In fact, as a man who was practically raised by women, I happen to adore them quite a bit, and the way in which I write about women in this blog is little more than my own way of working out my personal issues with the fairer gender.

You see, I live in a part of the world where some people think that having an invisible, imaginary friend means that they can tell women how to dress, who to talk to and where to sit on the bus. It is a place where grown men spit on little eight year old girls for not belonging to a specific religious sect, where in some neighborhoods women aren't allowed to walk on both sides of the street, where some men can't seem to tell the difference between a woman's singing voice and her vagina, where people think they have the right to destroy any billboard that shows an image of a woman's face, and most importantly, and this goes way beyond issues of religion or ethnicity, where women just aren't able to feel as safe as men do when simply walking down the street. So I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that this whole issue makes me literally ashamed to have male genitalia.

If I have managed to hurt anyone's feelings in any of my posts, then I am truly sorry. And if you still think that I'm a disgusting male chauvinist pig, then all I can do is recommend that you try to grow a sense of humor. I hear it can do wonders for one's skin.

Please note that I still reserve the right to hate some women, including, but not limited to: Ellen Degeneres (for being awful), Maya Rudolph (for being even more awful), Justine Bieber (for being awful AND having a hot lesbian girlfriend) and Katy Perry (for marrying Russell Brand and not me).

In related news: Allison Miller is pretty much the only reason I hope they don't cancel Terra Nova.

I mean, seriously, making a dinosaur show with only a couple of seconds of dinosaurs per episode is a fucking joke

Bonus haiku:

I like women's breasts
They look especially nice
When their owners run

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Sex Ed in the Orthodox Jewish School System

My response, both then and now:

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Jewish Christmas 2011

New this year: blinking Christmas lights and a Santa hat!

This year's holiday viewing selection included: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966), Frosty the Snowman, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Jack Frost (the 1996 horror film) and its sequel, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Yo Dawg

I herd you like having sex on biches.

(If you own the copyright to this photograph, then you are awesome)

Run for Your Lives! It's a Facebook Monster!

I'm not sure I get the whole timeline thing, but I definitely like the cover I drew today. Anyone wants to name the beast?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Minor Physical Imperfection Haikus

Carey Mulligan:
Large mole next to left nipple,
How unfortunate.

Ms. Mulligan was so much prettier with long hair in that Doctor Who episode

Cutie Caity Lotz:
Purple birthmark on right arm,
Huge boner killer.

Other than that, Ms. Lotz is basically perfect. Also: it's good to know that she knows her place. In related news: Death Valley is totally fucking awesome

Camgirl Sandra Smit:
Right boob bigger than the left,
I still love her though.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

How to Become the World's Biggest, Meanest Badass

Step 1: Purchase a ticket for a regular movie.
Step 2: Bring your own pair of 3D glasses from home.
Step 3: Sneak into a 3D movie.
Step 4: Freak out throughout the entire screening over your chances of getting caught by an usher.
Step 5: Success!

(Warning: this may also turn you into an ailurophile pirate)

Friday, December 16, 2011

You'll Believe a Shark Can Fly

Last night I went to see Shark Night 3D, and I guess it was okay. For the price of admission you get to see a multiracial group of attractive young people (and the geek from Avatar) wearing very little clothing and getting attacked by various CG sharks, one rubber hammerhead and two rednecks, and if that's all you expect from a movie, then you're in luck. However, if it's a decent story, compelling characters or believable acting that you're after, you better look elsewhere. The PG-13 rating means that gore is kept to a minimum (including one of the most awful 'missing hand' practical effects I've ever seen) and nudity is limited to just a little sideboob, but the girls do run around in skimpy little bikinis most of the time, which is really nice. What's the deal with Sara Paxton though? She's obviously a very beautiful young woman with a totally cute face, really nice boobs and a perfect little ass, so the reason why she has the sex appeal of a damp turnip is completely beyond me. On the technical side, while during some scenes in the movie the 3D effect is virtually nonexistent, the action scenes look really good, and the underwater shots are pretty incredible. Shark Night 3D is no Jaws 3D, it's not even Piranha 3D (although the 3D is obviously superior), but if you enjoy looking at cute girls in bikinis and fake looking CG man-eating fish, I can think of much worse ways to spend an hour and a half.

Sara Paxton is as cute as a button, and also as sexy as one

Bonus haiku #1:

Last night in a dream
A pretty girl touched my hand
It was amazing

Bonus haiku #2:

Oh Katy Perry
I'm so in love with your boobs
Russell Brand sucks balls

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Apparently it's Ancient Japanese for Totally Fucking Awesome

Yesterday I went to see Bunraku, and despite the fact that there were more Israeli guys involved in its production than there are in most local films, it was actually pretty great! Directed by Israeli Guy Moshe, Bunraku is a film-noir/western/samurai story set in a futuristic world where guns have been outlawed, everything looks like it's made of construction paper and it's perfectly acceptable to call Japanese people 'orientals'. Josh Hartnett is an exquisitely beautiful man with really creepy facial hair, Woody Harrelson is a bartender who serves overpriced whiskey to unsuspecting customers, Gackt Camui is some sort of hermaphrodite, Kevin McKidd is a badass Scottish dude, Demi Moore is a hooker with a heart of coal and Ron Perlman is just about the coolest guy on the face of the planet. The story is a little too complicated for its own good and I'm not sure I fully understood it all, but in a movie that is basically a two hour long visual mind fuck, I don't think it matters that much. It's like a martial arts movie, an arthouse film, a video game and a comic book all ganged up on a Broadway musical and had a bastard lovechild that doesn't look like anything I've ever seen before. There is absolutely nothing realistic about the movie, not the acting, not the sets and not the special effects, but that's just part of the magical weirdness that is Bunraku, an experience that completely took me by surprise. I don't know who this Guy Moshe character is and who was crazy enough to give him the money to make this movie, but Bunraku is easily one of the coolest things I've seen in the last couple of years, and I expect great things from him in the future.

It's nice to see that Demi Moore has managed to lose that disgusting beer belly since the early '90s. Other than that, she looks pretty much the same

Bonus haiku:

In my opinion
That mole on Josh Hartnett's throat
Needs to get looked at

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Short While Ago, in a City Far, Far Away

This is what the escalators leading to the Tel-Aviv municipality building look like these days:

The artwork was created by graffiti artist Dover D last weekend, and you have to admit it's pretty awesome. They don't really allow cameras into the building, so I guess that makes me some sort of hardcore badass rebel or something. Right now I'm just kicking myself as hard as I can while wearing slippers for not having the brains to actually ride the escalators when I had the chance, because it looked like so much fun! Hopefully the design will still be there next time I have to get frozen vegan burgers at the organic supermarket next door.

Haiku of the Day: Thank Gawd for Redheads

Leaked naked photos always taste sweeter!

So many vile things
Passing through Lindsay Lohan
Why not my semen?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Enjoy it while it lasts, because Kirsten Dunst is turning 30 next year and she's already baby hungry

Today I went to see Melancholia, and I guess it was okay. In Lars von Trier's latest film Kirsten Dunst is a whiny little dairy farmer who enjoys urinating outdoors and is fascinated by big stupid animals with oversized genitalia. In the first part of the story she gets married to an exquisitely handsome Swedish vampire at this disgustingly classy mansion, but oh no, she's all sad and stuff! Once we're done with the wedding video portion of the movie, we can move on to the good stuff - or can we? Spiderman's girlfriend and her circumcised sister (along with the sister's special agent husband and their annoying little brat) are all back at the mansion, and surprise surprise, Ms. Dunst is still oh so very sad. And oh yeah, there's this big blue planet that popped up a little while ago and is going to collide with the Earth real soon in a way that makes very little sense if you know anything about 4th grade astronomy (it's been hiding behind the sun all along!). The movie is very pretty to look at, especially when the big scary planet is hanging up in the sky, and I really liked the music (even though I hear Wagner wasn't exactly a huge fan of the Chosen People), but I usually prefer movies that are a little more... interesting. You do, however, get a full frontal shot and some very nice sideboob courtesy of Ms. Dunst, so if you're into that kind of stuff and you don't mind watching a blonde chick making a sad face for over two hours, go right ahead and see the film. Otherwise, just watch Bring It On again, where she's a whole lot perkier in a bunch of different ways.

Say what you will about Kirsten Dunst, but she looks pretty damn awesome when she's naked and playing with her boobs

In other news: here's a theological question for all you Jebus freaks out there - I went and bought a Santa hat today, but all they had at the store were the ones with white braids on the sides with little red ribbons. Being more or less male, is it acceptable for me to wear the hat as it is, or do I need to cut the braids off so I won't end up in Jebus-hell?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Kingdom for an Amy Adams Muppet!

This week I went to see the new Muppets movie, and it was actually pretty great, because even though it was produced by stupid Disney the Muppets still kick all kinds of ass. Here are a few points I'd like to make:
  • Amy Adams was born in August 1974, which makes her 37 years old, and six years older than Jason Segel. Despite this fact, and despite the fact that last year she pushed an entire person out of her pee hole, she still looks totally amazing in The Muppets. Good for her. I have always had a thing for Miss Piggy, and Ms. Adams looks almost exactly like her, if she were human and hot and not a felt puppet. They are also very much alike in the way that I would absolutely love to stick my hand up both of their backsides. I just hope Ms. Adams manages to keep her youthful looks until they finish shooting Man of Steel, otherwise Supes is going to end up banging an old lady.
  • I really enjoyed all the celebrity flesh-puppets cameos in the movie, which are just too many to mention, except for three of them, who happen to appear in the same short scene. These include an obese child, a lesbian teenager, and a Whoopi Goldberg. The movie would have been much better without their presence.
  • There's a Muppets tribute band in the movie called The Moopets, which is made up of badass lookalikes of several Muppets characters. If they ever make a Moopets movie I'd totally pay to see it, because they look like they could put on much less kid-friendly show than the original cast, and that's a pretty big advantage over them.
  • I didn't have to read the movie's end credits to know that Bret McKenzie (of Flights of the Conchords fame) had something to do with it. It is just that awesomely obvious.
  • Most of the movie revolves around how the Muppets have to raise $10,000,000 in order to save their old theater. What bugged me was that very early on in the film we find out that Kermit the Frog lives all by himself in a FUCKING MANSION. It would have been a whole lot easier on everyone involved if he just sold his house and moved into someplace smaller, a place more fitting to his small stature and allegedly humble demeanor.
  • The worst thing about the movie? There's a fucking Pixar short before it starts, one that features talking toys! Watching this agonizing piece of CG animated cow poop only reminded me how much I loathe Pixar and everything that it stands for. Seriously Pixar, either you start making movies for people over the age of nine, or go suck on a rusty nail drenched in syphilized vaginal blood.
I'm guessing one would need some sort of X-ray vision to see if these babies would still be this nice and perky in Man of Steel

In other news: whoever thinks that Jennifer Aniston is the sexiest woman of ALL TIME (that means you, Men's Health Magazine) needs to get their stupid head examined, because even back in 1994 she was just an okay looking girl with nice boobs and an unfortunate butter face.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Scarred - for Her Pleasure!

Tired of all your boring old dildos, the smooth ones, the ribbed ones, even the big veiny ones? Well, you should be, because those dildos are for fucking pussies! Introducing the Benny 4700: cast from the semi-erect, pathetic little member of a pathetic little manchild who has been abusing himself on a daily basis for over twenty years without using any form of lubrication, this painfully average sized dildo guarantees an unusually bumpy and thoroughly satisfying autoerotic experience for both women and men of all ages. Now available for a limited time only in cornflower blue, lime green and realistic blood red, only at the sleaziest of sex shops in the Tel-Aviv metropolitan area!

(Inspired by foolproof pick-up line #15)

Foolproof Pick-up Line #15

You chuckled uncomfortably at the comic strip, now get the limited edition dildo!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Let go of my poor little Pinny!

A while ago I've realized that one of the most popular things on my blog is a three part series of comic strips I drew over a year ago, titled Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis. This is probably just due to the fact that whenever you search Google for pictures of uncircumcised penises you're going to get one of my crudely drawn renditions of an uncut member after a couple of scrolls, and yet, I can't help but get this funny feeling in my tummy:

Bonus haiku:

Cute girl on the bus
Has asked me to move over
She wants my Pinny

See also:
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #1
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #2
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #3

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Pavlov's Couch Potato


Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Can Bears Climb Trees?


Yes, they can.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Haiku of the Day: Wait, so that was a REAL tranny in Hung?!

Definitely prettier than most of the women I know

Dear Jamie Clayton:
You may used to have a schlong,
But I'd still do you.

If Jamie Clayton were still pre-op, I would have been pretty darn confused right now

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Do not come wiz me to ze Barby - we shall make beautiful musicks togezzer right here!

Last night I went to the first night of the Bonsoir Tel-Aviv French-Israeli music festival at the Barby, and it was pretty damn awesome, despite poor (and often dickish) attendance. First up was Umlala, an Israeli band from Jerusalem that sounds like this:

Pretty great stuff, right? Right. So howcome most of the people at the club, of which there weren't that many for some reason, didn't seem too enthusiastic about it? Too many of them stayed far, far away from the stage, while some of them didn't even bother to stand up! What total and utter dickery. Umlala still gave a fantastic (if short) performance, which left me extremely pleased with that part of the evening.

The main act was Lilly Wood and the Prick, a French band headed by Israeli-born singer Nili Hadida, that sounds like this:

Totally. Fucking. Awesome. At Ms. Hadida's request I moved even closer to the stage (the dicks in the back still kept ignoring her repeated pleadings, until she finally gave up), the closest I have ever been to the stage at the Barby, and it was totally worth it! I didn't know anything about Lilly Wood & the Prick before I read about them coming here, but once I've listened to Down the Drain I was pretty much in love with them. Deep, passionate, sleazy love, the kind of love that makes you cream your pants whenever you think about it even a tiny, tiny bit. Invincible Friends is a pretty great album, and witnessing all those incredible songs performed live was mind blowing. However, what I wasn't prepared for was the fact that in real life, Nili Hadida is just about the cutest thing to ever come out of France since Pepe Le Pew!

Nili Hadida and Benjamin Cotto, aka Lilly Wood & the Prick

The outfit and makeup in the video really didn't do her much justice, because the wildly charismatic (she effortlessly made me clap, sing along and even jump up and down on cue) and freakishly talented performer I was lucky enough to see last night, wearing a simple yet elegant heart pattern dress, was nothing short of adorable. At the end of the night Ms. Hadida invited everyone present to come and see the band again on their future visits to Israel, and in my stupid little heart I promised her to do so unquestionably, and only wished that I could give her a great big hug for making me as happy as she has.

Friday, November 11, 2011

How virginal does a virgin oracle have to be?

I mean, obviously, she has to be a vagina-virgin. But what about her butt virginity? Is there anything in Greek mythology about virgin oracles who had butt sex? And what about mouth virginity? Is there any evidence of virgin oracles who lost their fortunetelling superpowers after going down on a dude? And handjobs? Are they enough to turn a virgin oracle into an ordinary future-blind little Miss Slutty Vanderslut? And what about virgin oracles who prefer chicks? And why don't you ever hear about male virgin oracles? And where exactly can one apply to get virgin oracle status? These questions and more had passed through my mind yesterday as I was trying to watch Tarsem Singh's latest film, Immortals, but failed to get a clear view of it because the 3D made it so dark I couldn't really make much of the details (it was a Dolby 3D screening at the Rav-Hen Dizengoff). From what I was able to see I could tell that the story wasn't very interesting (as required in the genre), the acting was awful (another requirement), the action wasn't that bad (why else would anyone want to see a sword-and-sandal movie?) and the visuals were pretty interesting (why else would anyone want to see a Tarsem Singh movie?). I really liked the fight scenes that involved gods (you can tell they're gods by the way they're dressed like flaming homosexuals - yeah, even the one chick-god) and I don't believe I've ever seen a minotaur castrating a dude with a really big hammer before, but most of the film was pretty much a pain to watch. I guess the fake 3D wasn't completely horrible, but having seen the trailer in 2D in the past, and how nice and bright it looked, I really would have preferred to see the whole movie that way, and maybe then I would have been able to enjoy it.

Oh, and there's some Australian blonde in it too, but unless I get to see her perform unspeakable acts on this horse here, I don't really give a crap.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

As pointless as a man with red hair

This week I went to see The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, and even though it was kinda fun and the visuals were pretty great and some of the action sequences were really cool and Andy Serkis was AMAZING (as usual) as a big-nosed captain, unfortunately Tintin is the world's greatest non-character, the story wasn't that interesting, the 3D was sort of lame and I still don't get the point of making a Tintin movie in motion capture animation. The way I see it, if you have access to that kind of technology, the first thing you do is make a movie that takes place in an exotic, far away place like Mars or Alpha Centauri or Pandora, and then populate it with all sorts of dragon-like creatures and hordes upon hordes of smoking hot alien chicks with silky green skin and gorgeous faces and fuzzy, wiggly antennas and boobs so pointy they can slice a tongue in half. Instead of going the logical way, for some reason The Adventures of Tintin is about a bunch of dudes doing stuff in a boat, and then some more stuff in some sort of sand country. No aliens, no dragons, no boobs. I mean, I know Hergé was kind of a dick when it came to women, but come on! And that wasn't even the most troubling part of the movie: could someone please explain to me what a bestiality joke is doing in a Tintin movie?! Personally, I would absolutely love to see more English-speaking animated films aimed at adults, but in a movie that goes out of its ways to be kid-friendly, a line about sheep fucking just felt completely out of place. The Adventures of Tintin was enjoyable enough to watch, but the whole thing felt like such a tragic waste of time, money, talent and technology that I don't know if I can trust Steven Spielberg anymore. I think his next movie is about a Nazi-killing horse or something, so maybe that would be kind of cool. Maybe.

And since there aren't any hot chicks in The Adventures of Tintin, here is a photo of the lovely Alexandra Breckenridge, who does an incredible job playing the sexy young version of Frances Conroy in American Horror Story! 

In other news: I finally got to watch A Serbian Film, and to be perfectly honest I thought that the infant porn scene actually made a lot of sense. I mean, think about it: why should an infant's first encounter with adult genitalia be exclusive to vaginas? Right? Think about it. I dare you.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time is Time! Get it?

I never cared much for Gattaca. The sci-fi in it was solid enough, but personally I found the movie cheesy, humorless and overly dramatic. Also, Uma Thurman has a big nose and I don't understand why she keeps getting work. This week I went to see In Time, Andrew Niccol's latest film, and I got pretty much the same deal, only with a whole bunch of lame time puns (you take a cliché about money, and you replace the word 'money' with the word 'time'. hilarious!) and Justin Timberlake instead of Ethan Hawke and Jude Law. As one would expect, Mr. Timberlake does an awful, awful job in it, and whoever told him he could act played a terrible, cruel joke on him. On the ass front we get Olivia Wilde, who is very pretty to look at, but, as anyone who's seen the trailer knows, doesn't last very long in the movie, and Amanda Seyfried in a bad wig, whom I didn't buy for a second as 'the hot chick'. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Seyfried is a very good looking young lady, but she's a tiny bit too weird looking to be movie-beautiful. I didn't suffer too much watching the movie, since between all those cheesy dialogs and tragically obvious social messages there are in fact more than a few interesting ideas, but as far as I'm concerned this is just yet another one of Mr. Niccol's failed attempts to get me to care, and once again, the failure is pretty miserable.

Yeah, I know, I was way cuter in Jennifer's Body

I also went to see Paranormal Activity 3 this week, and it was just a fucking nightmare. The movie itself was okay, as all the Paranormal Activity movies are based on the same simple shtick and are all pretty entertaining in their own way, but the combination of a couple who sat behind me and wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire time, a bunch of noisy kids outside and an usher who insisted that the doors of the theater should remain open at all time made it almost impossible for me to enjoy myself. The only reason I even went was because I don't think that that kind of movie can work for me at home, but now I'm not so sure anymore. If I had even a glimmer of hope for the species, I have lost it that evening.

Bonus love haiku:

Cute girl on the bus:
If you let me lick your nose
You'll get my balloon.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Have a Creepy Halloween!

This year I've chosen to post the spookiest thing I could possibly come up with for Halloween: a nude self portrait. Enjoy!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Coleslaw Flavored Meme #2: Can't tell if I should be worried or just annoyed

I've been spending way too much of my time on Memebase. And also, on the bus.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Haiku of the Day: Y U NO WRITE MORE HAIKUS?

(Inspired by the events described here)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The only kind of butcher shop that makes any sense

This week I saw Eatliz play live at the Uptown Music festival in Bat-Yam, and I was so blown away by their sheer awesomeness (I've seen them before, but it was a pretty short performance) that the first thing I did when I got home was to order a ticket for their show on the following evening with Consider the Source. CTS turned out to be pretty great, but once again it was the music of Eatliz that blew my stupid little brain into a million happy little pieces. If I knew anything about music I might have been able to describe it in detail and explain why I absolutely love it, but sadly all I can articulate at this point is that Lee Triffon, their lead singer, is absolutely fucking gorgeous, in addition to being an unnaturally gifted vocalist. For their show at the Barby she wore this partially see-through leotard sort of outfit that did a really nice job at showing the curve of her spectacular rear end, her pointy pointy nipples and the classiest camel toe I have ever had the pleasure to witness this side of the Mediterranean. It's a good thing I've prepared myself for the show by engaging in a brief session of furious fapping to the following photo of her, because otherwise things could have gotten a tiny bit weird.

Lee Triffon and her favorite phallic-shaped object

I've enjoyed the shows so much that the following day I actually ordered a couple of their CDs online. You know, those round shiny thingies that sit sealed in their boxes on your shelf and collect dust while you're listening to your MP3 player. I can't really imagine what I'm actually going to do with them, but hopefully they should alleviate at least some of my guilt for seeing Eatliz twice in the same week for only 60 shekels.

Bonus TMI haiku:

Fapped furiously
Before seeing Lee Triffon
My peepee still hurts.

Update: and how about another one!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Four Movies in Eight Days, Part IV: Finally, last Tuesday I went to see Attack the Block, and it was actually very entertaining! Good alien invasion stories are always fun to watch, and even though the monsters-alien-thingies had a low budget sort of look (they were basically dudes in big hairy suits with only minimal digital enhancements), they still looked pretty damn cool. There wasn't a huge amount of gore, but what I did get was pretty fantastic, and it's going to take me quite a while to forget the image of this tough looking drug lord getting his face torn off by a bunch of crazy ass space gorillas with huge glow-in-the-dark teeth. Also, this movie if one of very few films that made me glad that they put subtitles on movies here, because some of those kids' accents were just plain indecipherable. Attack the Block is a very fun little movie, but the main thing I took from it was this: any male who is heartless enough to mug someone as adorable as Jodie Whittaker at knifepoint is pure fucking evil and deserves to burn in doggy hell for all eternity along with anyone else who was ever cruel to something cute and small.

I want Jodie Whittaker to stitch up all my genital wounds

In other news: Sukot is the Jewish holiday on which dorky Jews from all over the land come together and hang around the Tel-Aviv cinematheque for seven days filled with geeky movies, geeky books, various types of roleplay (the geeky kinds, not the ones that end with intercourse) and many other dorky activities. Today I visited both Icon festivals (not to watch anything, just to look around), and as predicted, they both made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I did however get to talk to this totally cute redhead (and by 'talk' I mean motion yes and no with my head) who tried to get me to join some sort of club for people who like reading science fiction but can't or won't read English. For obvious reasons I had to respectfully declined the offer (using the art form of mumbling), but the good news is that I now have plenty of new fapping material that should keep me occupied for at least a couple of weeks. I am indeed the very essence of smooth.

Bonus love haiku:

Weird girl on the bus
I'm sorry for the staring
I just want your vag.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Four Movies in Eight Days, Part III: Real Steel, which I went to see today, is a heart warming coming-of-age sports drama about a father and son team who try to train a humble boxer for the world championship. Why did I like it so much then? Because of all the friggin' ROBOTS! Big robots! Mean robots! AWESOME ROBOTS!!! I didn't even have any problems ignoring all the parts of the movie that didn't have them (and I'm pretty sure there was like half an hour near the end that didn't have ANY robots) because whenever I did get to see robots fighting on the screen it was the coolest thing I've seen in a long, long while! And guess what! Who got to play the role of the supportive chick back home? Why, it's none other than friggin' Evangeline Lilly, the finest piece of ass on the set of Lost for six whole years! That's right: awesome fighting robots AND Evangeline Lilly! And you even get Phil LaMarr as some sort of sports commentator, for some reason! Totally. Fucking. Awesome. What didn't I like about the movie? Well, there's a little boy in it. Eww. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the kid also dances. With the robot. Yeah. What's even worse is that Ms. Lilly's freckles aren't very prominent in the movie, which is a real shame, because in Lost her beautifully freckled skin was one of the top reasons why I liked the show so much. But in the end, even though the plot in Real Steel doesn't always make too much sense, it's still a very cool film that totally brought out my deep love for all things robot, and for that I will cherish it forever.


You know what's really creepy about cute little boys? I think it's how they always look like if you'd slap a vagina on them and add like ten years they'd turn into hot chicks, while in reality they usually end up as dudes, which is just about the most useless thing I can think of. What a waste.

Bonus love haiku:

I want to make love
To Evangeline Lilly
In the vagina.


Four Movies in Eight Days, Part II: I wasn't going to go to Dream House, but then I saw the trailer before The Three Musketeers, which made it seem interesting enough. Was it? I guess so, in a way. If you call watching Daniel Craig making a sad face and wandering around an old house for 90 minutes while trying to figure out who he is and who killed his family, which he still hangs out with, interesting. And no, that's not a spoiler, because it's all in the trailer. What the movie does have going for it is the two top ladies in everyone's Over 40 and Still Totally Hot lists, the talented and beautiful Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts, and that's a pretty big plus, even though they're both seriously underused, especially Ms. Watts. Overall, Dream House is a pretty generic and old fashioned sort of film, but I'm the sort of person who would gladly watch Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts play checkers for an hour and a half (even with all their clothes on!), so I guess a moderate amount of fun was still had.

Rachel Weisz had her first kiss when I was a baby!

Naomi Watts got her first period when I was a baby!