The World's Scariest Sideshow Attraction

Should You Watch ParaNorman: a Study

Yes. Yes, you should. Right now. Like, this very minute. Go!

Anna Kendrick is cute and pretty and funny and talented and I love her and I want to marry her and sit on the couch with her and watch a movie together and maybe smell her hair a little if she falls asleep but probably not and that's okay because she's Anna Kendrick and she's amazing.

From Halloween Prop to Sex Toy in 60 Seconds

A little tape and a lot of lube make all the difference. Happy Halloween everybody!

I didn't take a picture of the final result, because that would've been way too creepy. Also, I'm too lazy and not horny enough to actually make it.

I'll Have 400gr of Sarah Gadon, Please

Last night I saw Brandon Cronenberg's Antiviral at Icon TLV, and it was by far the most deliciously Cronenbergian film I have seen in over a decade. Antiviral tells the story of a hideously freckled young man who works as a salesman for a company that sells interesting and exotic diseases extracted from interesting and exotic individuals to people who want to feel as close to their favorite celebrities as they possibly can without actually being in the same room with them. Something happens to this one really hot chick, and then something happens to the ginger sales guy, and a bunch of people keep eating cloned human flesh and puking up blood and sticking each other with needles, but what's really important is that from the very first scene I was once again completely immersed in the beautifully creepy world that is the lavishly diseased brain of a member of the Cronenberg clan, in a way I haven't felt like since the first time I saw Videodrome. David Cronenberg may have officially left the world of all that is good and slimy in the late '90s, but I guess that is why people feel a need to procreate, because while Antiviral is undoubtedly an entirely original creation, one which I'm sure will only gather more and more recognition as more and more viewers are exposed to it, Brandon is still very much his father's son, with all the weird and crazy shit that sort of thing tends to entail. He also seems like a really cool guy, someone I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a mugwump with, and I kinda wanted to shake his hand after the Q&A session, but that would have been kinda weird, because he's about my age, and I usually like my celebrity male crushes to be old enough to be my dad. The young Cronenberg said that he is planning to keep making movies until he runs out of Canadian government money, and if he keeps making them this good, I expect nothing less of him.

Fine, make it 600gr of Sarah Gadon. But you better make it boob meat, because I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight.

And today I saw Dredd 3D, which has some pretty cool gore and violence and not much more than that. Also, the 3D was garbage. The movie was supposedly shot on 3D, but it has so many awful converted shots (including every single close-up) that I found it completely unwatchable. Not even the lovely Olivia Thirlby could save this one, as her only job here was to have yellow hair and deliver awful, generic dialogue. What a complete waste of my time.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Last week I went to see Prometheus, and despite of what most of the reviews I've read since then had to say, I didn't think it was stupid, I wasn't bothered by any plot holes and I don't think Ridley Scott needs to stop making movies. In fact, I thought it was one of the most interesting, thought provoking, intense, visually breathtaking and just awesome movies I have ever seen. And the 3D was really good too! Until now, the only two Ridley Scott movies I've actually liked were Alien and Blade Runner, so I basically haven't enjoyed any of his stuff since I was two years old, but Prometheus just blew my stupid little mind to bits. It's no Alien, because it's not about chasing a scary monster through dark corridors, but it's so much more than that. I'm not saying I actually understood even half of it, but I knew I was watching something truly unique, and long before the movie ended I knew that I wanted to see it again in the next couple of weeks. And then I went online and read a lengthy but elegant analysis of the film, and then I knew I just had to see it again as soon as fucking possible. The explanation seemed kinda weird, but it was based on interviews with Mr. Scott himself, and in a way it made perfect sense (spoiler: once again it's all the chosen people's fault). So yeah, it's pretty clear to me that I'm going to enjoy Prometheus even better the second time, but that will have to wait until I get back from visiting Germany. In the meantime, my message to Ridley Scott is simply this: please make more sci-fi movies, you're really good at those, and please don't bother with other genres anymore, because the last thing the world needs right now is more movies that don't have any robots or gooey space monsters.

Well apparently Charlize Theron is one of those women who still look amazing even as they near their Terrible 37. Good for her!

Coming up next week: expect a bunch of poorly taken pictures of cute German puppies, and if I'm lucky enough, cute German kitties too!

Best Horror Appearance 2012: Gary Busey's Teeth

This week I went to see Piranha 3DD, and it was actually very entertaining, especially after watching 2010's Piranha 3D, which I didn't like one bit (eww 3D conversions). The premise is basically the same, only with a water park full of plastic-boobed strippers instead of a beach full of horny college kids, but everything works much better this time around. The script is funnier, the gore is much more interesting and uses a lot more practical, rubber fish and not just CGI (that's a good thing), David Hasselhoff's manly manboobs are deeply impressive and best of all, I finally got to see the beautiful Danielle Panabaker in her undies AND wearing a tiny little bikini top in glorious native 3D! I don't think Piranha 3DD is going to win any Oscars (like anyone even cares about them anymore), but it's a really fun and gory 83 minutes, Danielle Panabaker is absolutely gorgeous and thanks to the Hoff the ending is just hilarious, so unless there's a toothy fish nibbling on your genitalia at the moment, I see no reason for you not to get off your lazy ass and go see it right now!

I think the rule is, if she was born in the '80s, it isn't THAT creepy

Hottest. Werewolf. EVER. (Elfman Double Feature Part I)

This week I went to see Dark Shadows, and it was easily the most fun I've had at a Tim Burton film since 1999! Sure, it's kinda dumb and utterly forgettable, the script is a huge mess, Jonny Lee Miller is tragically underused and Eva Green is just plain gross (which brings to mind the Fellatio Theorem), but the whole vampires and witches and ghosts aspect was thoroughly entertaining, Bella Heathcote is oh so very pretty, Chloë Moretz is seriously creepy as a surprisingly luscious and frightfully illegal teenage girl, the soundtrack is loaded with neat '70s songs (which was a nice addition to the usual Danny Elfman poomlah-poomlah-poomlah routine), and yeah, the whole movie is basically one big goofy cheese ball chock full of silly horror soap goodness. The biggest problem I had with Dark Shadows was that it's just a movie and not a two-hour pilot episode for a new television remake of the original show, because I would definitely watch the poop out of something like that.

The Australians are coming - better hide the women and children.

Also: the sexiest werewolf chick I have ever, ever seen. And that includes Katharine Isabelle in Ginger Snaps, Julie Delpy in American Werewolf in Paris, Judy Greer in Cursed and even Meghan Ory in Once Upon a Time.

I'm So Glad My Death is Optional

Yesterday I went to see The Cabin in the Woods, and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but I will say that I had a really good time watching it (the third act was literally mind blowing and so, so much fun!) and that while you do get to see this chick's pretty little boobies,

Anna Hutchison, aka The Dumb Blonde

...you never get to see hers:

Kristen Connolly, aka The Adorable Virgin (sort of)

If it were up to me I would have liked to have it the other way around, but the movie is just fine the way it is. Also, Fran Kranz is absolutely hilarious and the Hemsworth brothers (I watched Triangle the other day) are way too big and handsome to be taken seriously. The thing is, as much as I've enjoyed the whole Whedonish vibe, I still have a pretty bad feeling about The Avengers, which promises to be a far less genre bending piece. Will Joss be able to bring new life into the Marvel universe after a series of less than inspired 3D converted yawn fests? The question still remains to be seen.

The Devil Inside me thinks crosses are way too emo to be taken seriously

A couple of days ago I went to see The Devil Inside, and it was actually pretty good. It was very scary and I totally bought it, which is basically the single most important thing in a movie such as this, but if you want a really good mockumentary/found footage piece you better off watching The River.

It's really good and scary and interesting and it looks fantastic and there's a smoking hot blonde chick in it and Jack Bauer's wife looks pretty good even though it's been over a decade since season 1, so there really isn't any reason to look elsewhere for your real-looking fake drama needs. I just really hope they don't cancel it prematurely the way the do to most good things on TV.

My biggest problem with the show? You've got all these fancy HD cameras around, and you couldn't find even a single one to put in Eloise Mumford's bathroom!? Shame on you.

Bonus haiku:

Dear army cutie:
You were the loveliest thing
Aboard that dumb bus.

Lycans and Vampires and Boobs, OMFG!

A couple of days ago I went to see Underworld: Awakening in 3D, and it was so great to see that Kate Beckinsale is still totally hot, even at the ripe old age of 38. I wasn't really expecting much from the fourth installment in the Underworld series, but I actually had loads and loads of fun watching it! For the price of admission you get non-stop action, a story that is actually kind of interesting in an obvious sort of way, some very nice gore shots, cool looking vampires, big scary werewolves (both the CGI and the guy-in-a-rubber-suit variety), a smoking hot Kate Beckinsale in a tight black outfit (and also out if it), a gorgeous little 12 year old hybrid girl (man, was I relieved to find out later that the actress who plays her is actually 18) and a 3D experience that is actually worth the extra 8 shekels, despite the film's dark, blue-tinted color scheme (I guess there's a reason why the Hebrew title of the series is War of Darkness). Swedish directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein did a very nice job with this sequel and proved that they actually know how to shoot a movie in 3D, so they better hurry up and start working on Underworld 5: Revenge of the Vamp MILF as soon as possible, preferably before Ms. Beckinsale hits 40, because there is nothing sadder in the whole wide world than a formerly beautiful woman. If you saw Lauren Holly on Lost Girl this week, you know exactly what I mean.

During my early 20s I went through this phase where basically all I did was play FreeCell and jack off to pictures of Kate Beckinsale. This is what she looked like back then, which oddly enough, really isn't all that different from how she looks now. Good for her.

Bonus haiku:

Oh Kate Beckinsale,
How I want to make sweet love
To your lovely face.

You'll Believe a Shark Can Fly

Last night I went to see Shark Night 3D, and I guess it was okay. For the price of admission you get to see a multiracial group of attractive young people (and the geek from Avatar) wearing very little clothing and getting attacked by various CG sharks, one rubber hammerhead and two rednecks, and if that's all you expect from a movie, then you're in luck. However, if it's a decent story, compelling characters or believable acting that you're after, you better look elsewhere. The PG-13 rating means that gore is kept to a minimum (including one of the most awful 'missing hand' practical effects I've ever seen) and nudity is limited to just a little sideboob, but the girls do run around in skimpy little bikinis most of the time, which is really nice. What's the deal with Sara Paxton though? She's obviously a very beautiful young woman with a totally cute face, really nice boobs and a perfect little ass, so the reason why she has the sex appeal of a damp turnip is completely beyond me. On the technical side, while during some scenes in the movie the 3D effect is virtually nonexistent, the action scenes look really good, and the underwater shots are pretty incredible. Shark Night 3D is no Jaws 3D, it's not even Piranha 3D (although the 3D is obviously superior), but if you enjoy looking at cute girls in bikinis and fake looking CG man-eating fish, I can think of much worse ways to spend an hour and a half.

Sara Paxton is as cute as a button, and also as sexy as one

Bonus haiku #1:

Last night in a dream
A pretty girl touched my hand
It was amazing

Bonus haiku #2:

Oh Katy Perry
I'm so in love with your boobs
Russell Brand sucks balls

As pointless as a man with red hair

This week I went to see The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, and even though it was kinda fun and the visuals were pretty great and some of the action sequences were really cool and Andy Serkis was AMAZING (as usual) as a big-nosed captain, unfortunately Tintin is the world's greatest non-character, the story wasn't that interesting, the 3D was sort of lame and I still don't get the point of making a Tintin movie in motion capture animation. The way I see it, if you have access to that kind of technology, the first thing you do is make a movie that takes place in an exotic, far away place like Mars or Alpha Centauri or Pandora, and then populate it with all sorts of dragon-like creatures and hordes upon hordes of smoking hot alien chicks with silky green skin and gorgeous faces and fuzzy, wiggly antennas and boobs so pointy they can slice a tongue in half. Instead of going the logical way, for some reason The Adventures of Tintin is about a bunch of dudes doing stuff in a boat, and then some more stuff in some sort of sand country. No aliens, no dragons, no boobs. I mean, I know Hergé was kind of a dick when it came to women, but come on! And that wasn't even the most troubling part of the movie: could someone please explain to me what a bestiality joke is doing in a Tintin movie?! Personally, I would absolutely love to see more English-speaking animated films aimed at adults, but in a movie that goes out of its ways to be kid-friendly, a line about sheep fucking just felt completely out of place. The Adventures of Tintin was enjoyable enough to watch, but the whole thing felt like such a tragic waste of time, money, talent and technology that I don't know if I can trust Steven Spielberg anymore. I think his next movie is about a Nazi-killing horse or something, so maybe that would be kind of cool. Maybe.

And since there aren't any hot chicks in The Adventures of Tintin, here is a photo of the lovely Alexandra Breckenridge, who does an incredible job playing the sexy young version of Frances Conroy in American Horror Story! 

In other news: I finally got to watch A Serbian Film, and to be perfectly honest I thought that the infant porn scene actually made a lot of sense. I mean, think about it: why should an infant's first encounter with adult genitalia be exclusive to vaginas? Right? Think about it. I dare you.

Time is Time! Get it?

I never cared much for Gattaca. The sci-fi in it was solid enough, but personally I found the movie cheesy, humorless and overly dramatic. Also, Uma Thurman has a big nose and I don't understand why she keeps getting work. This week I went to see In Time, Andrew Niccol's latest film, and I got pretty much the same deal, only with a whole bunch of lame time puns (you take a cliché about money, and you replace the word 'money' with the word 'time'. hilarious!) and Justin Timberlake instead of Ethan Hawke and Jude Law. As one would expect, Mr. Timberlake does an awful, awful job in it, and whoever told him he could act played a terrible, cruel joke on him. On the ass front we get Olivia Wilde, who is very pretty to look at, but, as anyone who's seen the trailer knows, doesn't last very long in the movie, and Amanda Seyfried in a bad wig, whom I didn't buy for a second as 'the hot chick'. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Seyfried is a very good looking young lady, but she's a tiny bit too weird looking to be movie-beautiful. I didn't suffer too much watching the movie, since between all those cheesy dialogs and tragically obvious social messages there are in fact more than a few interesting ideas, but as far as I'm concerned this is just yet another one of Mr. Niccol's failed attempts to get me to care, and once again, the failure is pretty miserable.

Yeah, I know, I was way cuter in Jennifer's Body

I also went to see Paranormal Activity 3 this week, and it was just a fucking nightmare. The movie itself was okay, as all the Paranormal Activity movies are based on the same simple shtick and are all pretty entertaining in their own way, but the combination of a couple who sat behind me and wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire time, a bunch of noisy kids outside and an usher who insisted that the doors of the theater should remain open at all time made it almost impossible for me to enjoy myself. The only reason I even went was because I don't think that that kind of movie can work for me at home, but now I'm not so sure anymore. If I had even a glimmer of hope for the species, I have lost it that evening.


Bonus love haiku:

Cute girl on the bus:
If you let me lick your nose
You'll get my balloon.

OMG MILFS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part II: I wasn't going to go to Dream House, but then I saw the trailer before The Three Musketeers, which made it seem interesting enough. Was it? I guess so, in a way. If you call watching Daniel Craig making a sad face and wandering around an old house for 90 minutes while trying to figure out who he is and who killed his family, which he still hangs out with, interesting. And no, that's not a spoiler, because it's all in the trailer. What the movie does have going for it is the two top ladies in everyone's Over 40 and Still Totally Hot lists, the talented and beautiful Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts, and that's a pretty big plus, even though they're both seriously underused, especially Ms. Watts. Overall, Dream House is a pretty generic and old fashioned sort of film, but I'm the sort of person who would gladly watch Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts play checkers for an hour and a half (even with all their clothes on!), so I guess a moderate amount of fun was still had.

Rachel Weisz had her first kiss when I was a baby!

Naomi Watts got her first period when I was a baby!

Under-the-Bridge Weddings are so Romantic!

Last night I watched Bridesmaids, because that's that kind of movie I like to watch when I'm heavily drunk at one in the morning, and I guess it was sort of entertaining, but parts of it were just too painful to watch, mainly because Maya Rudolph is so unnaturally unattractive that I literally had to avert my eyes from the screen whenever that face of hers appeared on it. Sometimes HD just isn't worth the risk. Seriously, why does she keep getting work?! You know, just because a person is hideously fugly it doesn't necessarily make them funny. And Black-Jewish couples usually have pretty nice looking kids, so what the hell went wrong here? I still can't believe that she had sex with Paul Thomas Anderson on at least three separate occasions. Didn't he used to like stick it to Fiona Apple? How do you go from such a gorgeous piece of ass to such an unfortunate train wreck? Oh well. At least I got to see the lovely Ellie Kemper play some sort of tragically white chick, even though she was seriously underused. I guess it's time to look up her old blowjob video on youtube again!

Maya Rudolph in Bridesmaids, showing off her fabulous engagement ring!

Update: Well, I guess I'm retarded. The answer was right in front of me the entire time! As in most cases of unattractive, untalented people who are able to maintain successful careers in show business, Ms. Rudolph is probably just really really good at giving head. Personally, I would much rather choke my pathetic little chicken by myself for the rest of my life than let Salacious B. Crumb have its way with it.

Saving the planet, one dead teenager at a time

This week I went to see Final Destination 5 in 3D, and as expected, it was totally freaking awesome! I got exactly what I came for, that is, more or less attractive teenagers getting offed in hilariously gruesome and highly improbably ways, and so much more. And the 3D was just fantastic, with some of the most spectacular opening credits I've seen recently and plenty of deliciously eye-popping popping eyes, among other severed body parts. And I'm pretty sure that by bringing in an old pair of 3D glasses from a previous movie (the one I didn't use to make my 2D glasses) instead of taking a new pair I singlehandedly saved our planet's fragile environment, so yeah, you're welcome earthlings. And there was even a Terry Poison song in the background during one scene at the restaurant! Terry Poison!!! Also, I've never seriously considered going through laser eye surgery, mostly because having perfect vision at all times would just freak me out, but somehow this movie made me like the idea even less. Also, acupuncture. And most types of physical activities. Besides, everybody knows that chicks with glasses are totally hot, and any woman vain enough to go through surgery just to get rid of her glasses should be declared legally brain dead. Finally, while The Walking Dead's Emma Bell is very very pretty and totally adorable, and while it is my understanding that Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is technically hot, for today's boobie picture I've chosen Final Destination 3's Chelan Simmons, partly because she's mentioned in the Wikipedia article about the new movie, but mostly because of her unbelievably hot nude scene in that tanning bed two sequels ago, a scene so breathtaking it shall be etched onto the inside of my skull until the end of time.

I really need to watch Final Destination 3 again. Not only did it have Chelan Simmons' rocking boobs, it also had Gina Holden AND Ramona Flowers!!!

If Final Destination 5 is the last movie you'll want to see before getting laser eye surgery, Inside is probably the last movie you'll want to watch when you're expecting a first child, or possibly a first niece. If the people on the other side of the living room wall didn't think I was some sort of serial rapist they definitely do now, especially after having to listen to the muffled sounds of a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic marathon, followed by an hour and a half of a French pregnant chick being tortured to death.

Some quick catching up!

The first thing I did after coming back from Montenegro and after that whole explosive diarrhea phase came to a blissful end was to go see the Fright Night remake. It was pretty entertaining, but not very memorable, despite a hilarious performance by the previous Doctor Who as some sort of goth wizard dude. The only thing that stood out about it was how the 3D in the movie was wholly unimpressive, despite having been shot in 3D. Here's some good advice for you future filmmakers out there: shooting a film in 3D is an art. You can't just point and shoot, and you have to know what you're doing, otherwise it looks pretty much like a stupid 3D conversion, and a flat one at that, minus the awful screw-ups.

The next day I went to see the Conan the Barbarian remake, and even though the movie itself was a fun and gory sleaze fest, the gawd-awful 3D conversion pretty much ruined the whole experience for me. In an endless sea of horrible 3D conversions, the new Conan movie shines as the ugliest piece of conversion trash I have seen so far, which is quite a feat indeed. It did, however, inspire me to construct my very own pair of 2D glasses, so I suppose it wasn't a complete waste of my time.

And last week I went to see Cowboys & Aliens and I've enjoyed it quite a bit, but mostly because I'm such a huge sucker for cool alien-type creatures and not because it was a good movie or anything. I've enjoyed the action sequences and the special effects, but the unfortunately weak script was a complete waste of Jon Favreau's talent. Also, the movie had that guy from Dexter! And those two guys from Carnivàle! And that guy from The Shield! And that one really old guy from that old movie with all the dorky lightsabers! And even that oddly hot chick from Tron Legacy! So yeah, I had a moderate amount of fun, but I don't think I'll ever want to watch it again, ever.

And then I went to see Blonde Redhead and Jane's Addiction perform live in Tel-Aviv, and that was pretty fun, even though the hardcore Jane's fans acted like FUCKING ANIMALS and one of them jumped on my big toe and it really hurt. Blonde Redhead were really great, and their opening performance lasted over an hour, which was nice. The thing is, while Perry Farrell is still totally cool, I thought that Dave Navarro looked like a flaming queen, and the fact that every single woman on the planet wants to get into his pants is a testament to what a profoundly screwed up gender they belong to.

Finally, last night I went to take part in the largest political rally in the history of Israel (around 300,000 protesters in Tel-Aviv alone, plus about 150,000 more nation wide), and it was pretty damn cool. And yeah, despite what a lot of people here claim, it was definitely political, and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would definitely like to have sexual intercourse with Daphni Leef. In the vagina. Oh yeah. Vagina-sex with the so-called leader of the protest. Right in the vagina.

Rose McGowan, Y U no be in better movies???

Bonus haiku:
Teen girl on the bus
When you scratch between your boobs
It brings me great joy.

Foolproof Pick-up Line #10

Thanks Infestation! Thank you Silence of the Lambs! And thank you every female who ever found me too creepy to be around!

It puts the bug repellent on its skin, or else it turns into a giant spider

Today I watched Infestation, a horror/sci-fi comedy about giant insects from outer space that is funny and gory and just really really good, but the point I'd like to make today is this:

"You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed? Pure West Virginia. What's your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you … all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars … while you could only dream of getting out … getting anywhere … getting all the way to the FBI."

Best. Pick-up line. EVER.

And I'd definitely memorize a bunch of classic movie quotes for Brooke Nevin

Update: see the foolproof pick-up line comic strip inspired by this post here!