Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm Super. Thanks for Asking!

Yesterday I went to see Chronicle, and it was really really good and interesting and exciting and pretty much everything you could ask for in a found footage superpowers movie, but as a realistic superhero film it does suffer from one basic flaw: it isn't Super. Because after watching Super the previous night, everything else simply pales in comparison.
Technically, it could have been the combination of cold medicine, cough syrup, tequila and sage tea I was on at the time that made me feel this way, but I'm pretty sure the movie has spoken to me in a profoundly personal way, and what it said was this: even if you're the kind of person who compares to the rest of the world the way Rainn Wilson compares to most Hollywood actors, you can still get a few brief moments of happiness during your lifetime, and even though these moments are most likely to be closer to petting a bunny rather than to banging women who look like Liv Tyler, it should be enough to sustain you for most of your life. The three other things the movie has taught me are as follows:

  1. Super features the greatest rape scene in the history of filmmaking, and quite possibly in the history of rape. It has to be seen to be believed.
  2. Ellen Page is without a doubt the perfect human female specimen, and I would happily give my left arm for a chance to smell her skin for just a fraction of a second. And if the Interweb is right and she really does prefer girls, well, that only makes her even more awesome, because we all know how deeply messed up women who are attracted to men are. I mean, seriously, what sort of person in their right mind could ever think that penises are even remotely passable as sexual organs? The mind literally boggles.
  3. I need a pet bunny.

Dear Ellen Page, do you think I could maybe one day spend the night in your bedroom and watch you sleep? I promise I'll be super quiet and that you won't hear a peep! Well, maybe just one soft little SPLAT on your wall when I'm done.

Dear Clea DuVall, I've been desperately in love with you since The Faculty, so next time you have your tongue up Ms. Page and you want to record the event on video, please keep in mind that I actually happen to be pretty handy with a Flip Cam.

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