Saturday, March 6, 2010

When you've been alone long enough, nothing seems real

Yesterday I went to see Phobidilia, an Israeli film directed by the Paz brothers and based on a book by the same name, and surprisingly enough I actually really liked it. The main character is this nameless dude who lives by himself in a crappy little rented apartment which he never ever leaves. He works from home, he gets all the supplies he needs delivered right to his doorstep, he has a nice little garden of his very own, he gets all the entertainment he could ever want on his silly looking CRT TV and all the lovely pornography he could ever require on his computer. In short, he has my idea of a perfect life, including the right brand of psychological disorder to keep him indoors at all times. The problems begin when the owner of the apartment decides to sell it, which means that pretty soon no-name here is going to have to move out, something he is simply not capable of doing. The kindly old realtor guy is being pretty cool about it, allowing him a month or two or three to make all the necessary arrangements while he's bringing in potential buyers to see the apartment, but there's just no way. Who is the mysterious apartment owner, whom no one has seen for years, and why does he want to kick the poor guy out? Is Jessica, his gorgeous internet porn girlfriend, a real live person? And will he ever make her do more for him than just question the nature of her own reality as he's spanking his little monkey? And howcome the people meter chick seems to be so interested in him, to the point of literally throwing herself at him? Watching this movie isn't going to give you many answers, but I guess that's half the fun in something like this. Unlike most Israeli movies, you won't find anything about wars here, or Arabs, or dysfunctional suburban families, or any other kind of painfully boring realism. This is a story that could easily take place anywhere on the planet. Phobidilia is the Paz brothers' first feature film, and though it may not be perfect, it shows loads and loads of potential. Working with the tiniest of budgets, the brothers have managed to produce a work of cinema that doesn't look like anything that was ever produced in this part of the world, with the kind of photography, production design and soundtrack you'd expect to find in much bigger films. The weakest part of the whole production is the acting, but I guess that's a given in an Israeli movie, as Israelis make the worst actors. Ofer Shechter, some sort of local TV douche, is actually not all that bad in the leading role, but I've read somewhere that the only reason he lost all that weight before shooting this film is because Christian Bale did the same thing for The Machinist, and that's just plain pathetic. The realtor guy acts like he's performing in a play in the '60s, while the unattractive actress who plays the loser magnet people meter chick manages to do an awful job in a completely modern way, though I was rather pleased to find out that she actually has a pretty nice butt, if not a terribly small one. The best performance here is by Efrat Dor, who plays Jessica, the cute and bubbly American webcam chick. Now, I can't be completely sure of this, as I was kinda drunk when I came into the theater, but I do believe that during the first few minutes of the film I saw her taking her top off and revealing one of the most magnificent sets of breasts I have ever seen in any Israeli production. Once again, I think it has something to do with the stubbornly realistic nature of most Israeli movies, and also with how in the world of movie boobs realistic usually means plain. And her fake American accent isn't too bad either, especially in a film with plenty of bad ones, most of which come from the silly looking TV set. The fact that all the various shows our guy watches on his tiny screen, which range from cooking shows and talk shows to news casts and sci-fi and horror movies, were created especially for this purpose, and in English no less, shows just what a labor of love this movie is. I think I've read somewhere that the Paz brothers' next project is going to be in television, and I think that's bullcrap, because I want more of that good stuff on the big screen, and the sooner the better.

Efrat Dor may or may not have spectacular hoots

As I was walking back home from the theater through the dark empty streets of the city, listening to the new Gorillaz album on my MP3 player and still gently buzzed, I realized that I really do need to do something with my life, because this can't last for much longer. I need to grow up and wise up, get my priorities in order, save up some money like a normal human male and finally get myself into a steady relationship with a reasonably priced webcam porn chick with an OK face, a fairly attractive set of tits and an acceptable vagina. And maybe then I could finally be happy.

And this in my new Dark Void figurine!

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