Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Why are you all wet, baby?

Earlier this week I went to see Shutter Island, directed by Martin Scorsese and starring a circus freak who likes to draw fat guys with no clothes on and bang dumb Israeli broads until their ears start to bleed, and I actually really liked it. Leonardo DiCaprio plays some sort of cop or something who enjoys spraying his deep pink puke all over already filthy toilet bowls, which I guess is how he manages to maintain his blubbery girlish figure, and that's exactly how he chooses to spend his time on the boat ride to Shutter Island, home to a charmingly creepy hospital for the criminally insane, which back in 1954 meant anyone who didn't think that everybody else was a goddamn Commie. The official story is that he's there to investigate the disappearance of one of the patients, some crazy dame who one day got fed up with her three little brats and decided that they'll be better off sleeping with the fishies, from her thoroughly locked room. However, the real reason why he was so desperate to take the case was because the weirdo who set the fire in which Leo's wife burned to a crisp is supposed to still be somewhere on the island, after he'd disappeared from the hospital a couple of years ago. Leo and his dago partner begin their investigation of both the staff and the hospital patients, but everybody seems to be on their utmost creepiest behaviour and none of them are particularly helpful. Things get even worse when a terrible yet awesome thunder storm causes a major power failure, which means all the patients get loose and start running around the Island, screaming and yelling and humping innocent mailboxes to a stupor. Amidst all the confusion, in the darkest corner of the most disgusting cell in the most dangerous ward on the island, he finds the guy who first told him about the secret government experiments that are being conducted in the supposedly abandoned creepy lighthouse, now a mere beaten down shell of his former self who manages to confuse him even further by suggesting that all of Leo's experiences on the island have been staged especially for him. How did the patient escape from her locked room? Why is everybody acting so goddamn weird? Who's lying here, and more importantly, who isn't? And why did the director choose to include so many poorly composited CGI shots? Watch for the pleasantly predictable twist near the ending and find out, or not. Now, I've never seen any of Martin Scorsese's films in the past, and I have absolutely no interest in watching any of his previous ones in the future, but I did find Shutter Island to be an extremely enjoyable '50s B-movie type of film. It's dark and violent and fun, and have I mentioned the word creepy? Yeah, there's tons of that too. I'm not quite sure why Leonardo DiCaprio keeps getting acting work though. Sure, he used to be beautiful as a teenager, but as an adult his face looks completely misshapen, in a way that's almost painful to look at. That being said, I guess he's not too awful here, acting wise, so I'll let it slide just this once. Shutter Island was based on a novel written by some guy who wrote another book about a bunch of kids who get molested up the butt or something that also got made into a movie, but I still really want to read it. Thank gawd for that online bookstore that was named after the sort of book you would stick up your poop chute, because there are very few phrases I like more these days than 'free worldwide delivery'.

If I ever get a chance to lock Emily Mortimer in
a small room I'm gonna do a so much better job

Last week I went to see The Lovely Bones, and I can't say I liked it too much. Some of the effects shots were pretty damn cool, but as much as I enjoy watching teenage girls get attacked by men with creepy facial hair, the whole thing just didn't add up to much. And Marky Mark was just awful as the dad, awful, awful, awful. Whoever gave him the job was either retarded or really into guys with superfluous nipples. At least I had some yummy Rachel Weisz to look at some of the time. I expected much more from Peter Jackson, and I guess that's something I just shouldn't do anymore. Oh well. At least I have Meet the Feebles on DVD now. Awesome.

Did you know that Rachel Weisz doesn't have any nipples?

I've recently finished watching Titan Maximum, the latest endeavour by the creators of Robot Chicken, which for some reason took me forever to watch, and I've obviously enjoyed it quite a bit. Some day I'm going to watch all nine 10-minute episodes back to back, and hopefully it would have an even greater impact. Still, I can't help wondering about that sexy little Sasha chick. Like, what is her puppet made of? And is it water resistant? How about other kinds of liquids? Because, you know, that is definitely one doll I would not mind partying with, if you know what I mean, and I honestly hope you don't.

Sasha. Plastic boobies are totally hot!

And these are my new CI-Boys, Wrath and Gluttony! Aren't the adorable?

You piss me off,

prepare to be eaten alive!

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