Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Camera Creep's Guide to the Boobaxy

We've all been there. You're taking part in some kind of social function, a public event of some sort, maybe a guided tour somewhere, when this one really cute chick catches your attention. You know the kind, there's one of these women in any medium sized gathering of semi-strangers, the kind of woman you can't take your eyes off of even though you know it's going to make them blind later that day. Now, obviously you're not going to come up and talk to her, because that would be insane, but if you happen to have a camera at hand, this may just be your lucky day. Assuming, that is, that you follow these five simple rules:

Rule #1: Own a decent camera
If you're serious about becoming a good camera creep you need to have a decent camera that can produce clear, high resolution photos. Under no circumstance are you going to be pointing your camera directly at your target, so it should be able to capture objects at the corner of the frame with adequate detail and sharpness. You may want to consider getting a good quality reflex camera, though it might cause people to mistake you for someone who has a really small penis. Also, camera phones are completely out of the question. Using decent equipment tells the people around you that you came there with the intention of taking good and interesting photographs, and that they are mostly just in your way. Using a camera phone tells the people around you that you're just another douche with a camera phone.

Rule #2: Choose your target carefully
Being a professional camera creep can be hard and dangerous work, so you need to make sure you select a target that is going to make it all worth it in the end. Just because a chick has good skin and an attractive hair color, or just because she's wearing shorts and a low cut top, it doesn't mean you should let your inner creep out right away. The last thing you want at the end of a long hard day is a memory card full of pictures of someone that looks like you could actually have a conversation with. What you're looking for here is that mild, instant crush self-aware creeps seem to be so good at, the kind that is made so much easier when you know for a fact that you're never going to see that person ever again. Trust your instincts, and remember: you can never go wrong with a really nice ass. And please, no minors. It reflects badly on the rest of us creeps.

Rule #3: Don't be obvious
As mentioned earlier, pointing your camera straight at your target is probably the biggest mistake a camera creep can make. Always try to appear to be trying to shoot a object that is located behind the target and a little to the side, so that the target is captured at the corner or far side of the image. Keep a moderate distance between you and the target at all times and never chase after her. Above all, be patient. Let the right shot come to you, not the other way around. Try to keep your hands steady, despite the raging battle ensuing within your underpants, because camera flashes are a dead giveaway and you are not to use them too often, even under less than perfect lighting conditions. And for gawd's sake, make sure you take lots of pictures of other stuff too, because once a target realizes that she keeps seeing only the front side of your camera it's pretty much over for you.

Rule #4: Diversify
Okay, so she has a nice ass, but it doesn't mean you have to keep pointing your camera at it. Once the day is over you're going to want to have photographic evidence of your target from several different angles, which may require a little planning, but is in fact much easier than it may sound. The simplest way of taking a good frontal picture is to wait for your target to ask someone to take her picture, perhaps with a friend or in a group. That someone isn't going to be you, because that would require you to actually interact with her, but all you have to do is pretend to be focusing your camera on the very object she's intending to be photographed with, and you got yourself a nice picture of your target with a big cheesy smile on her lovely little face. Another easy shot is to have someone you know pose for a photo. You simply position them between you and the target and a little to the side, and BAM, two birds, one stone, and no one has to know. When a person of interest starts talking to the entire group with most faces turned towards them, including that of the target's, this would be a good time to take a profile shot, while appearing to be pointing your camera and a tree or a big banner or something. Don't worry, there will always something to fake an interest in. Be attentive and keep your eyes discretely on the prize, because you never know when you're going to get that golden opportunity to shoot her playing with her hair or adjusting her fragrant little panties. Let yourself be creative, and just have fun with it.

Rule #5: Pray to the deity of your choice
Pray for good results, but also pray that the target never realizes what you're trying to accomplish. Pray that the people around you don't notice your efforts either, especially the ones you came there with. Most of all, pray that the target's boyfriend is too clueless to be able to tell what you're doing. Big scenes are to be avoided at all costs, even at the price of your own dignity, assuming you have any left. If push comes to shove, pretending you're mentally retarded never hurts anybody. It's not like it's that far from the truth anyway.

A crude drawing of the kind of result a good camera creep can achieve

If you followed these instruction carefully and managed not to get kicked in balls too hard, you should end up with at least a handful of good, usable photos. Enjoy them at home, enjoy them at your workplace, enjoy them pantslessly. Share them with your friends, if you still have any left, or post them at your favorite amature forum. Just try, if it's at all possible, not to paste the target's head on some naked chick's body, because that would be kinda weird. And never forget: just because you're a total weirdo creep, it doesn't mean you can't have fun with other people. It just means that they can't have any fun with you.

(update: the quest continues!)

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