If Hell Ever Freezes Over,

...and I actually produce a human offspring, I would start a blog where I would post nothing but photos, videos and audio recordings of all the pee, poop, vomit, flatulence, crying, screaming, sleep deprivation, fighting, anxiety, disappointment, perineal tearing and erectile dysfunction that the child would produce, including all the verbal, emotional and physical abuse that having said child would unavoidably bring on between me and the unfortunate mother. And I would name that blog: We Should've Just Gotten a Cat.

Luckily, there isn't a single human female on the entire planet who is dumb enough to ever want my thingy inside her thingy. Thank gawd for tiny, itsy bitsy miracles.



In other news: this has been Allergic to Coleslaw's 400th post. Thanks for reading and all, but it still doesn't mean that I like you or anything. Now here's a very special bonus haiku:

Four hundred blog posts
And not a single reader
Without a boner.