Thursday, April 8, 2010

Not just another douche in a wetsuit

Yesterday I went to see Kick-Ass, directed by the guy who made Stardust and based on the comics by Mark Millar, and I loved it so much that as soon as I got out of the theater I bought myself a shiny green leotard and a ski mask and started breaking into teenage girls' bedrooms! The movie is all about this dorky little high school geek who looks way too pretty to be a dorky little high school geek. He's really into comic books, he's got the two geeky best friends that every movie geek seems to have and he's so out of touch with the world around him that he actually thinks that MySpace is still cool, but apparently all that just isn't enough for him, because what he really wants to be when he finally decides to grow the hell up is a real-life superpowerless superhero, and so, disguised as a guy in a green wetsuit and armed with two big sticks, he sets out to fight crime in the streets of what I guess is supposed to be New York City. His first attempt to do battle with a couple of street thugs ends with a knife to the stomach and a whole bunch of broken bones, accompanied by a growing suspicion by his peers that he was also butt raped in the process, but hey, I'm pretty sure that's how Wolverine's origin story started out. Either way, it didn't kill him, so I guess it must have made him stronger, because his next attempt at superheroism turns him into Kick-Ass, a YouTube superstar and the man every high school girl would happily surrender her little cherry to, had she still possessed one. As he begins to learn about what it truly means to be a masked vigilante in a city that's named after a large piece of fruit, he finds out that there is already someone out there who is crazy enough to kill an maim for the American way in a silly outfit and a fake Fu Manchu mustache. And unlike the dork in green, this guy seems to actually know what he's doing, even though he fights crime along with a 12 year old girl in a purple wig who innocent bystanders can only hope is his own daughter and not just some random child with which he shares a dark, dank batcave. Big Daddy and Hit Girl are involved in some sort of war with a local crime lord, and as Kick-Ass gets sucked into it by mistake things get only more and more dangerous for everybody. Cool. Beans. Now, Wanted may have been an extremely enjoyable movie, if completely unfaithful to the original Mark Millar comics, but Kick-Ass here is the absolute real thing. The only thing I've ever read by Millar is the first issue of Wanted that came with the DVD of the movie version, but this seems to be as close to his style as a motion picture could ever get. It's bright and colorful yet completely honest, often brutally so, often hilariously so. At times it's very dark and extremely violent, and it's always, always, totally friggin' cool. The guy who plays Kick-Ass is pretty good, even though he's way too pretty for the part, but I've heard he's dating some chick who's like 30 years older than him, so I guess he has his share of issues. Even Nick Cage isn't too bad as Big Daddy, but the best performance here is delivered by little Chloƫ Mortez as the adorable purple-clad Hit Girl. I saw the trailer for Kick-Ass at the movies a bunch of times, but for some reason when I came to see it yesterday I was sure that Hit Girl was short and flat because she was Asian, not because she's too young to grow pubes. She kicks more ass in the movie than everybody else put together, and she does it with such style and grace and a delightfully cute potty mouth that, had I any assurances, I would have totally waited the five or six years it would take for her to become legal. The only lame thing about Kick-Ass is the stupid plotline that had the dorky guy pretending to be gay so he could become best girlfriends with some kind of hot chick. Sigh. And yet, as lame and stupid as this may be, it's easily forgotten once you realize just how hot the hot chick is. You even get to see her topless, with nothing but her hands to cover her boobs! Pretty classy stuff indeed. Kick-Ass is one of the awesomest movies I've seen lately, a film that sports such huge, hairy balls that no man or woman could ever resist, and I hope it does really well when it comes out in North America next week, because I would definitely pay money to see Kick-Ass 2: Hit Girl Gets Her First Training Bra.

I wish Lyndsy Fonseca had smaller hands

The tagline in this Israeli poster for Kick-Ass is "Superbad meets Kill Bill", and whoever coined it needs his ass kicked to a bloody pulp. As a wise man once said, everybody's an asshole.


In other news: I can't believe it's taken me like ten episodes of Important Things with Demetri Martin to realize that the guy with the beard used to be Ben Katz! It's so obvious now whenever I hear him talk. Oh well, it's like they say, you are what you eat, and vegetables are pretty dumb.

Fat losers named Ben are so cute!

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