Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Trapped in Underland

Last week I finally went to see the new Alice in Wonderland in 3D, directed by some douche who worked as an animator on Disney's The Fox and the Hound and starring his steady boyfriend and this little Australian chick who used to play this little American chick that was based on some little Israeli chick, and I did not like it one bit. I had to wait until Passover was over before I could go see it, because, you know, children are slimy little monsters who should be smothered in their sleep while they're young, but I didn't really mind waiting because I had a pretty good idea what it was going to be like. In this version Alice is this 19 year old blonde who lives in the Victorian age and has absolutely no sex appeal whatsoever. For some reason this dorky guy who likes to poop a lot (and don't we all?) wants to get into her pants, which means he's going to have to make an honest woman of her first, but she's obviously so terrified of a little cock that she'd rather jump into a big hole in the ground than let anyone jump into her own little one. Down below she gets gently molested by a bottle and a cookie (hehe... 'Eat me'!) and meets a whole bunch of painfully annoying characters who send her on a quest to chop the head off the only truly cool character in the entire movie, the adorable and awesome looking Jabberwocky. During this quest she is going to learn some stuff about herself (yawn) and eventually be allowed to wear pants like a normal person. Take THAT, 19th century society! My theory is that a film director is only as good as the hotness of the chick to which he is currently sticking it. Tim Burton met Lisa Marie in 1992 and was engaged to her until 2001, during which time he's directed Batman Returns, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks and Sleepy Hollow and produced The Nightmare Before Christmas. In 2001 he dumped Lisa Marie for Helena Bonham Carter, and since then he's directed the Planet of the Apes remake, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride and now this mess of an Alice adaptation. Lisa Marie, as you can clearly see below, is totally hot, and has played such roles as a big-boobed '50s goth chick and a crazy space alien disguised as a big-boobed chick whose mouth you wouldn't want to get any of your body parts into. Helena Bonham Carter, on the other hand, is only allowed to play nice characters under a thick layer of monkey makeup, and had to get a boob double for the legendary Fight Club sex scene, which means that her own pair must be seven different kinds of awful. I think that pretty much proves my point. What really bugged me about this movie, aside from the bad writing, boring character designs and the unimaginably awful dance sequence, is that the whole 'woman empowerment' thing was already totally pathetic like a decade ago. Do young women really need to be empowered in 2010? I don't know where and when the people who made this piece of dodo crap live, but in my world he who controls the boobies controls the universe, and by 'he' I mean 'she', and by 'boobies' I mean the silly lumps human females grow on their chests as front butts, and by 'universe' I mean us dudes. The last thing women need these days is more power, and any movie that takes a wonderfully imaginative and fun classic like the Alice books and turns it into Harry friggin' Potter on estrogen is nothing short of an abomination. For me it's simply yet another reminder that 3D can't turn garbage into gold. While Avatar took me out of the theater and into Pandora, a beautiful world of fun and excitement that I never wanted to leave, this version of Alice made me feel like I was trapped in this dark and oppressive little place where everybody seemed to try their best to annoy the poop out of me. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to see the new Clash of the Titans, and I really hope I'll get to see at least one or two really hot and scantly clad 3D chicks, or else I may be forced to get a little bit cranky.

The awesomest thing Tim Burton has ever done

I take back anything bad I've ever said about the new season of Doctor Who. Any season of Doctor Who is only as good as the current Doctor's companion, and this new one is so damn cute and Scottish that I find it extremely difficult to watch the episodes and wear pants at the same time. Keep up the good work BBC, and don't let last season's casting tragedy repeat itself ever again!

Look for Karen Gillan's drunken photos online. They're sexylarious!

1 comment:

  1. I won't read this post because it might contain spoilers.