Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Clash of the Clash of the Titanses

A few weeks ago I went to see the new Clash of the Titans in 3D and was severely traumatized by the whole experience, but more on that later. More than anything it made me want to watch the original movie again, and so earlier this week I watched it on my awesome new TV and was thrilled to discover that it was even better than I had remembered. I mean, sure, it's pretty much 100% pure cheese, and if you happen to be one of those freaks who claim they can't metabolize lactose you better stay clear of it or suffer the consequences, but isn't that the whole point of making a two-hour sword and sandal epic complete with '50s style stop motion animation? There's so much cool stuff in there I wouldn't know where to begin. It totally reminded me of the time I visited Berlin's Film and Television Museum in 2007 and they had the most amazing exhibition of Ray Harryhausen's work, and my brain got so overloaded by being in the presence of all those incredible creations that by the time I got to the exhibition's guestbook all I could write was the word AWESOME next to a silly little happy face. After I first watched the movie as a kid on TV I got sort of obsessed with the idea that there is a gigantic reptile imprisoned in a huge underwater cave somewhere in the vicinity of Andromeda's Rock in Jaffa. Sadly, as hard as I looked, I was never been quite able to spot the creature in that area, but the image of the Kraken swimming out of its cave and up to the water's surface has continued to haunt me for years. Now, he original Clash of the Titan is a timeless creation that is truly the stuff dreams are made of, so there was no way a remake, any remake, by any director, would ever come even a tiny bit close to its mighty awesomeness, and in no way did I go into the theater expecting to see a masterpiece. I'd seen all the trailers, so I was pretty sure I knew what I was getting myself into, but nothing could have prepared me for the horror that is Clash of the Titans 3D. I mean, the movie itself wasn't that bad, and I'm sure that if I were to gauge one of my eyes prior to the screening I might have even enjoyed Jake Sully's adventures in Mythland quite a bit, but the studio geniuses who decided that the film demanded a brief two week long conversion to 3D have robbed me of every last second of fun I could have experienced in the theater. Once again I was reminded of how everybody in Hollywood is an asshole, and how some people will stop at nothing to make a few extra bucks. These are the kind of rotten bastards who could single-handedly destroy the future of 3D cinema, because really, what kind of moron would ever want to knowingly pay money to see a 3D nightmare that looks even worse than the most horrible cut-out puppet theatre you could possibly imagine? This movie was never a work of art, and even the creature designs weren't all that exciting, but the awful 3D conversion makes everything in it look so fake and distorted it literally insults your eyes' capacity to, you know, see stuff. If it weren't for all the hot chicks in togas there would have been a good chance I would have just left the theater halfway through this 4K disaster. However, Gemma Arterton is just way too lovely to say no to. I've only seen her before in those awful trailers for Prince of Persia, but these days I suffer from a physical inability to produce an erection while looking at something produced by Disney, so I guess I hadn't payed enough attention to how painfully attractive she really is. Alexa Davalos is an extremely beautiful and talented young actress who first got my attention when she guest starred in one of those TV shows about cuddly tormented vampires, and yet for some reason she doesn't seem to get enough work in the industry, at least not as much as I'd like her to get. It probably just means that she's not too great at sucking cock, which is really the only way to get ahead in life, but I guess it's just one of those traits you have to be born with. In any way, those two were the only two things that made the experience of Clash of the Titans 3D even remotely bearable for me, even if they did remain fully clothed the entire time, and I'd like thank them deeply for that, as deeply and passionately as physically and humanly possible.

Gemma Arterton's incredible front side

Alexa Davalos probably stinks at performing fellatio

Gemma Arterton's spectacular back side

This Saturday is going to be Caroline Dhavernas' 32nd birthday, which means that in four days I'll be only one decade away from being able to star in my very own production of a popular Judd Apatow comedy. Hooray!

Happy Birthday Caroline! Best wishes, hugs, kisses and creepy hair sniffing!

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