Sunday, May 30, 2010

Freckles Galore at the new Rav-Hen

A couple of weeks ago they finally reopened the old Rav-Hen theater at Dizengoff Square, so naturally I had to go and take a look myself. The new theaters look pretty nice, but I was pretty bummed out by the fact that all the new screens' aspect ratio is about 1:1.85, which means that movies shot in scope take up only 75% of the screen. That's right, from now on the projected image at the Dizengoff Rav-Hen of movies shot in scope is actually smaller than that of standard movies, which goes against the whole basic idea of shooting a movie in scope! Once again I am reminded of that ancient and timeless truth that everybody's an asshole. They even got rid of the beautiful red curtain! Oh well. At least it's an all-digital theater now. On to the movies themselves then. First I went to see Price of Persia: The Sands of Time, because it was shown in the largest and nicest theater in the complex, which is supposed to be the largest theater in Israel at around 500 seats. Also, seeing Gemma Arterton on a big screen makes me feel like there's a party in my pants and every one of my limbs is invited, but that was more like the carob tree-smelling icing on my very pathetic little cake. I suppose the movie was OK for what it was, but apart from the pattern of freckles on Ms. Arterton's face it was completely unmemorable. And Jake Gyllenhaal is an action star about as much as I am a porn star, in the sense that you can tell that he really wants to be one, but sadly he simply doesn't have the goods. Poor little guy. Poor, self deluded, off-putting box office drag. Anyway. A few days later I went to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in one of the smaller theaters in the same complex, and I actually really liked it. I can't say I'm a huge Terry Gilliam fan, as most of his films aren't as well structured as I usually like my movies to be, but this one was entertaining enough for me to disregard the confusing plot. Now, I can't be completely certain, but I'm pretty sure that The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is about some sort of immortal doctor named Parnassus who operates a traveling stage show along with his smoking hot redheaded daughter, some kid who looks like a young Rowan Atkinson (only not as physically appealing) and Mini-Me dressed like a rat, because every traveling show needs a Mini-Me who dresses like a smelly rodent. For some reason the good doctor keeps making these horribly stupid bets with the Devil, the latest of which means that as soon as his scrumptious daughter turns sweet sixteen he's going to have to hand her sweet little ass over to the master of down under. Sure, he tries to make everybody believe that his baby girl is still only twelve years old, but as anyone can clearly see from the October 2008 Issue of the French edition of Playboy, there are some sweater puppies you just can't hide forever, and for a good reason indeed. A couple of days before the plump-cheeked little vixen is about to become a woman, the merry group finds a dead Australian dude hanging by his neck from a bridge. Or is he in fact dead? On the one hand, he seems to be breathing and walking around and being what passes for charming these days. On the other hand, he looks suspiciously like Heath Ledger, who I'm pretty sure was killed by Batman a couple of years ago. So now Parnassus is going to use this mysterious young stranger to try and win yet another bet with the Devil by winning over five human souls using his fancy Imaginarium thingy, which I guess is some sort of mystical device that lets people live out their innermost desires without going online. The way that every time that Ledger's character crosses over to the Imaginarium it is portrayed by a different actor with identical creepy facial hair almost makes sense, which turned out to be enough, so it didn't make me feel too distracted. What did keep distracting me was how deliciously luscious Lily Cole is. At first I thought she was too weird looking, with those freakishly large cheeks and the general Close Encounters vibe, but her look quickly grew on me so that by the time she showed some skin on screen I was very nearly at semi-full salute. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a pretty cool little film with some very neat visuals and an interesting and exciting story that at times managed to touch my non-dangly bits, and I'm definitely going to watch it again as soon as I, you know, feel like it.

This looks like a 12 year old girl about as much as I do

I know nobody is supposed to care about the Eurovision song contest except queers, the mentally disabled and people over the age of 50, but last night's 19 year old winner is just so cute and German that I'm seriously thinking about crossing over to the poofy side just so I could worship the ground she walks on from a more socially acceptable standpoint. I think it's a sound plan, don't you?

Even gay dudes have a chubby for Lena Meyer-Landrut!

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