Well, I could, apparently. This week I went to see Piranha 3D, and was thoroughly disappointed by the experience. How could I possibly not be completely delighted with a movie that features so much TnA and great looking gore? Well, for instance, when I go to see a movie, I usually like it to have a story that's actually sort of interesting. Interesting and relatable characters are also a big must, most of the time. And if the movie is supposed to be funny, I'd usually like it to be funny. And if a movie is supposed to be scary, I'd usually like it to be at least a little bit scary. And most importantly, if a movie is supposed to be in 3D, then it should have been shot with an actual 3D camera and not on regular gawddamn film! I really wanted to like Piranha 3D and I even turned this past week into my very own Piranha Week, which included the original 1978 version in HD, the 1981 sequel and the 1995 remake, but Alexandre Aja, a director I once had great hopes for, has once again managed to let me down. The trailers and online rumors had me expecting an exciting roller coaster ride of jiggly boobs and bloody guts, and I'd be first to admit that what little I got to see was actually pretty impressive, but most of the film is just boring, cheesy characters spouting boring, cheesy bits of dialog and doing boring, cheesy things, complete with a couple of annoying little blonde kids whose only job in the movie is to be annoying and small. I mean sure, there's some pretty sexy stuff in there, including a spectacularly choreographed underwater nude scene that made me wish I could pause the movie and zoom in on the VJ shots to the satisfied roars of the crowd in the theater, and watching hot chicks lick stuff off each other is always nice, and the gory bits were damn near unbelievable, with people getting dismembered and ripped apart in all sorts of amusing ways, but the whole time I just couldn't shake the feeling that I just paid for a premium ticket to watch a movie that is only very little more than a porno. And just like the common Bang Bus video isn't exactly the highpoint of cinematic erotica, a series of unnamed bikini babes who get briefly gutted at sea in broad daylight isn't really my idea of a good scare. And it's not like I have anything against porn, which in fact has been my one and only true friend for years now, I'm just not really used to paying for it. Which brings me to the film's greatest flaw: the only way you could get me to pay for porn and then watch it in the presence of strangers is to make it in 3D. Now, going into the theater I knew that Piranha 3D was originally shot on film and was later converted into 3D, but it was my understanding that it was shot with 3D in mind from the very beginning and that the new conversion process was supposed to be greatly superior to previous efforts such as the Clash of the Titans remake and that lame M. Night Shyamalan movie. Man, I can be so dumb sometimes. 3D conversions are evil, pure and simple. There simply isn't a real way to convert 2D images into 3D that produces convincing, semi-natural looking results, no matter how hard movie producers will try to make you think otherwise. Current 3D conversion techniques will always look fake and distorted and lazy, and if Piranha 3D is the best modern technology can offer, then I'd like to have my body frozen for another decade or two, please. The whole idea is nothing but an evil ploy to get more and more of the viewing public's hard earned cash, and I suspect that the more movie producers ruin perfectly enjoyable films with this complete nonsense the quicker this whole 3D craze will end. The 3D in Piranha 3D is so bad that at some points it looked like they just left the 3D conversion system on random setting and went on a lunch break or something. The whole experience was so awful that I couldn't even spot Dina Meyer's role in the film until I went through the script and spotted her lines! Seriously, my dream job will always be to work as a 3D conversion engineer in 2010, because you can pretty much do whatever you want with the source material you're given and no matter how sloppy the result is you still get paid for it and they will still show it to millions of unsuspecting movie goers worldwide. Piranha 3D is definitely not a perfect movie, but I think I would still have enjoyed it quite a bit had I had the opportunity to watch it the way it was originally shot, the way gawd had intended for it to be watched. The best thing that came out of it was that I got to see a bunch of 3D trailers, including Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (ooh, talking owls. *yawn*), Tron: Legacy (looks pretty good, even though the 3D wasn't that impressive) and the new Resident Evil movie (totally friggin' awesome). Show me a Milla Jovovich shot with a PACE Fusion 3-D camera any day and I will show you one seriously happy Ben with a pants tent so large it could easily house a medium sized erection, and quite comfortably so.
Ahhhh!!! Crazy flying piranhas in James Cameron's 1981 sequel!
In other news: I'm about halfway through the first season of The Hard Times of RJ Berger, and so far it's been pretty entertaining (and how could a show about a dork with a massive schlong not be?), but what really surprised me when I looked it up on IMDB was that the smoking hot actress who plays the smoking hot cheerleader chick is almost 30 years old, and that the guy who plays the chubby best friend is in fact 31! And they're all supposed to be like 16! I guess that just goes to show you that there are only two types of people who can play the roles of teenagers well into their 30s: gorgeous people, and fat people.
Guess which type Amber Lancaster is!
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