Sunday, August 22, 2010

Men, hold onto your totems!

Last week I went to see Inception again, and I think that this time I've finally figured out what it's all about. Inception tells the story of this little architecture student chick named Ariadne (after the wife of some Greek mythology wino, I'd imagine) who studies in Paris under the supervision of Professor Michael Caine and just happens to be as cute and pretty and the proverbial picture of a button. One day Professor Caine introduces her to his son, who turns out to be some sort of criminal with a face like a constipated pug. This dude seems to be all jazzed up about some kind of new gadget he's got that lets you sneak into other people's dreams and watch them have sex with their grandma's corpse or something, and he offers her a job designing a series of dream worlds so he and his little buddies could go inside this other dude's head and insert this one specific idea into it that could change the world of energy corporations forever, or some such thing. Pugface then tries to sell her some sob story about how his wife offed herself a while back and how he can't go back to the states and see his kids, which is the reason for this one last job he absolutely has to do in order for his Japanese boss to make everything better again, but by this point it's pretty obvious to everybody that he's just trying to get into Ariadne's fragrant little pants, if only subconsciously, since he is after all still completely obsessed with the memory of dead wife, aka Lady Sidewalk Stain, who keeps haunting him in his dreams and ruining it for everyone who visits them. Long story short, after a fun little '80s montage of everybody preparing for the job by taking really long naps they all get into this dream along with the designated mark, and then into a second dream within the previous one, and then into a third dream inside those other two, and it's then that things start getting really complicated, and of course by complicated I mean super crazy awesome! Inception was written and directed by Christopher Nolan, a man who judging by his casting choices over the years I was almost completely sure was a raging homosexual, but this movie has pleasantly proved me wrong. After a string of obnoxious female leads like Carrie-Anne Moss (eww), Hilary Swank (looks like a dude), Katie Holmes (cute but boring and lame), Scarlett Johansson (meh) and Maggie Gyllenhaal (mildly cute, but nothing to write home about), this time Nolan has finally managed to get some high quality ass to work for him, in the shape of Marion Cotillard and the lovely Miss Ellen Page. I don't really care much for Marion Cotillard, but I think that has more to do with something vaguely anti-semitic she may or may not have been quoted saying a couple of years ago (I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was, so it couldn't have been that bad), and less with her looks and acting skills, as she is pretty damn hot and not too awful an actress. The real treat here however is the beautiful and talented Ellen Page, who I've been obsessed with ever since I first saw her in Hard Candy as a pissed off teen who for some reason really doesn't like pedos. Oh yeah, she can totally deball me on cam any time. I don't think I've seen Miss Page on the big screen since Juno came out here, which I guess is a good thing, because the years since then did manage to give me a short period of time during which I wasn't too constantly preoccupied with the idea of smelling her from head to toe. As far as I can tell Ellen Page is currently the prettiest and coolest young actress chick out there, and I will passionately hate Joseph Gordon-Levitt (awesome performance, by the way) with a fiery hate until the very end of all times for briefly making out with her on camera. The rest of the movie is pretty great too, it's totally revolutionary and it completely reinvents modern science fiction cinema as we know it and stuff, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when all is said and done, I definitely wouldn't mind having sexual intercourse with Ellen Page, if you know what I mean. If you catch my drift. Hint hint, nudge nudge. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. BAM, right in the vagina! Damn I'm smooth.

I don't even care that you have oddly hairy arms, Ellen Page!

I also watched The Plan last week, which finally completes my long journey through the universe of Battlestar Galactica. And what a journey it's been, one during which I gradually became convinced that I was a cylon myself, until one by one they were all revealed and I was forced to accept my stupid humanity as a sad fact of life. If I ever get a Blu-ray player, which I seriously doubt, the complete Battlestar Galactica box set would definitely be first on my TV list, because it really is one of those extremely rare shows which truly deserve to be watched over and over again. For now, I guess I'll just have to wait patiently for the second half of the first season of Caprica. October should be getting its ass over here any time now, right? Right?

I already miss Starbuck. *sob*

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